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Feeling defeated ...
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Feeling defeated ...

I feel so tired and are frustrated by the constant struggle to try and remain optimistic.
I feel so alienated and feel isolated by the lack of understanding surrounding this disorder (and how I experience my life).
I feel frustrated by the lack of skilled support in helping me to make 'real' changes in my life.
I just wonder whether this struggle is worth it and whether I can experience an enhanced quality of life.

J
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604266_tn?1236362585
Of course it's worth it..your life is worth it.
You are such a gifted young woman..so intellegant and self aware. That's a gift. Not everyone has teh ability to see inside themselves and understand what they're feeling or put it into words.
Not everyone has the ability to help others with their understanding of how people feel.

I wish you could see what I see in you. Because I think it may help you if you knew just how many great qualities you have.

There is a lack of understanding surrounded by BPD and I feel even the expert here, when he had our thread deleted wasn't aware of what we were talking about having alot of power in the understanding. But they're are people, therapausts and psychiatrists who do understand how to help and understand BPD. Even without having been specifically trained to treat BPD, but having had been with my sister every step of the way I understand alot of it. And there are others like me who may not have experienced BPD personally but are caring and understanding of it.
It is hard to find them though.

I know what frustration your going through on that. I had a great T for my issues and when I left during the years I didn't go to therapy she had gotten a promotion and no longer sees clients. I haven't been able to find anyone since that Ifeel can help me with what I'm going through as in my area most of the mental health professionals are family therapsist or they're treatment techniques just didn't jive with what I feel I need right now.

But keep looking. Go somewhere else if you have to. You don't have to stay at the place your at where your other T is. If you have medical insurance you can look into private therapy or even some clinics have sliding scales. If you drive see what they have in the surrounding towns.
There is someone that will understand and what to help you.

You can experience an enhanced quality of life but you have to be willing to put alot of hard work in. And that won't be easy. My sister wasn't willing to do all the work involved. She wasn't willing to do what she had to do to get better. And sometimes that involves giving up the control to your therapist..not your own control but the control of what you think therapy should be like and giving the suggestions a try no matter how unhelpful you think they'll be.

There are many recovered people with BPD, it is possible. And there are many who felt they would never be able to have a life they wanted to, but they do.
BPD you know is really complicated to treat but they're are therapists and psychiatrists who want to help.

Just give them a try, a fair shot. If you don't think they'll help then give em at least 4 sessions and then after that, if you still don't mesh try to find another. But don't make your mind up too quickly because it takes time to get to know a therapists treatment techniques. The first session is always the hardest, trust wise and because in the first session they're really trying to find out what you need and what your after from treatment. Sometimes some therapists wait to do the whole "interview" process until your comfortable with eahcother, but not always and that part can feel really uncomfortable.

Just keep trying. Don't give up. There is help. Don't stop until you get what you want. You deserve the best of life, but you have to get it yourself and it's hard work and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. But of you can hang on through the really tough and hard times then you can learn how to stip having to just survive and really live.


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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks Amph!!

I've been having some really low moments and have allowed things to get on top of me.  It's frustrating knowing I need to change but then not having the ability to initiate those changes.

It's been difficult to remain positive when I perceive so much negative around me.
I guess Christmas is always a stressful time and coupled with my other health issues ... well I guess I'm not doing too badly then.

I think what has hurt the most has been my relationships, or lack of.  I am sensitive and it has hurt not feeling connected to my family members and others.  It is especially hard seeing people, young families and children relating and enjoying themselves.  It is a huge loss never having experienced friendship or intimacy.  Never having laughed and played freely as a child.  It just hurts and hurts more seeing everyone appearing so happy (and me feeling so stuck).

My GP got my provisional histology results back and they at this point are negative for cancer.  I should be grateful, but I'm not.
I'm going into the wound clinic everyday to get my wound dressed.  It is healing but is still over an inch deep.

I had to cancel my therapy appointment last week due to me getting my infection treated at the ED.
The T sent me a new appointment but they sent it to the wrong address and I got it after the appointment.  It is so frustrating.

I am venting very badly.
I saw my GP yesterday and he wished me a safe and happy new year.  Isn't that so appropriate for someone with bpd?  Safe and happier new year.

Wishing you, and others here, a safe and happy new year too.

J
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I know how your feeling right now..I don't have BPD but with suddenly having to face my childhood is very difficult and my family, sister especually(different one) has completely turned her back on me.
They say I've never has healthy relationships with men because of what happened to me when I was little. But to be honest I can't say that I've ever had a real true friend of the same sex either.
Sure, I have tons of aqyentances..a hey how are ya there, how's your holiday..you know all the, I'm asking you how you are but I don't really want to hear the answer and just assume you'll say..I'm fine thanks...:)

And those people I do consider friends are my colleuges and I don't really feel I can tell them the real stuff. The things you need to confide to other human beings.
Bu I've made some really great frineds here and right now that's enough for me.

But who knows what will happen when I delv deeper into these abuse issues(yeag, like I've gotten a step out the door on that yet!). My who personality could change as I realize more and more of how I felt back then and how much of my life it's effected.

They say that almost all with BPD have a history of abuse, my sister sure did. And they did think I had traits but they scratched that odd after they realized some things like, I;m not afraid of being abandoned I;d acyually prefer to be alone. I've always liked to be alone for some reason..except at night..scary!!!
I guess there are alot of other things they thought they saw in me at first but after they got t o know me realized I have really bad anxiety/nightmares and that I was probably in deep denial about being abused as I remember almost nothing until after age 11. And even then it's scarce. weird to feel like I didn't exist at all....

Anyway..my point is I know exactly how you feel with what you've described. I wish I knew if I was a happy kid. My parents say I wouldn't let anyone touch me so I'm guessing I wasn't so happy. But I do look at little kids who are happy and smiling and feel badly that I don't think I had that.
But I always have it in my mind..are they being abused??
Every kid that crosses my path I wonder. It makes for a very frustrating feeling baout family dynamics when compared to my own.

The holidays are so hard for everyone. That's actually when the most seek psychiatric treatment and most suicides happen. So if you can get through the holiday..maybe with a few bumps and bruses but still in one piece than you can make it through the rest of the year.
It can feel really lonely and depressing around this time. Not to mention feeling pressure to put on a happy face so everyone thinks your in the holiday spirit when you just feel like crawling into a little ball in the cornor of the room and crying until there's nothing left to cry about.
I've been there..way too many times.

But there almost done. After tomorrow there's no more until next year and by next year you could feel totoally different.
I have to be suzie sunshine, and a little pollyanna..but you never know what's going to happen in a year and things might be alot different.
If you give up you may be giving up before the best parts happen.
That's what I keep telling myself anyway.
My family may think I'm rediculous and my sister my despise me as much as I despise her..but one day it will get better.
And plus..I don't want to miss Karma when it kicks my sister in the arse for being such a biotch and little snot. I want a front rpw seat to that. I know that sounds mean but...who am i to stop karma??
Though I'd love to give karma a few ideas of how to teach her a lesson..OOps, there's my scorpio nature coming out again!

Feeling defeated won't last forever but you have to help things along. Have you ever seen the movie Girl, Interupted..I'm sure most have. But the reason I like that story so much is because besides the fact that it's true and based on the person who wrote the book..it wasn't until she was willing to put in the work until she finally saw that she cuold get better.
Of course things have changed since then...so much! But the premise remians the same. No one else can make things better except for you. BUt a good therapst can help defenitly. And think about it did your old T ever twll you what to do as in how you should live you lofe and what decisions you should make?
My guess is you wouldn't stand for that. I bet you liked her so much because she took the time to really hear you and you trusted her. You felt her care for you and was able to help you when you needed it.
All you have to do is hold on until you find that again. Therapy is a relationship. And so sometimes it doesn't match, but did I ever tell you I disliked my therapist at first. I didn't want to tell her anything.didn't trust her..couldn't believe she would understand. But after a month or two I realized that I really did find her helpful and being under her care ended up being the best thing for me. I wish I had her now..but that's a whol other story.

So anyway..don't pack it in yet. There's still time. And if I can hang on, so can you!
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The time is 11:56 so as we talk the new year wil be here Yes here it went. Happy New Year. I know darkness probally as well as anyone on this site. I also know what it feels like to be drowing in my pain. I know what it feels like to feel abondomed by those who are suppose to love me. I know what it feels like to feel that this mental illness has stolen my life.I know what it feels like to be either numb to my emotions or to wear my heart on my sleeve. I know what it feels like to pray and pray to the God of my understanding That I know loves me  only to feel like it fell on deaf ears I know night terrors from childhood memories of sexual abuse.I. too know the longing for what I percieved others had that I would never have. I hope I have conveyed this things in past  tense....That is not my life today and for me it began with a therapist who was willing to stick it out with me while I tried to push her away constantly Find falt with her on a regulay basis She had many roll that she engaged in one being an ideal mother( i knew nothing of having a loving mother ) Katherine taught me what a loving mother looked like. I was with her 4 years I never thought I would marry again but I have, after being single 10 years. Before we got married we went into marriage counsling using Harville Hendrix material We both are in a12 step program Me 23 years him 21 years He doesn't understand my spirling down any more than I do. I can sometimes see some triggers but I am a slow reactor It may take me a couple of days before Im emotionally up set. I still have to work at it a lot. I have to monitor the things I'm telling myself. I have to take care of myself phycially , emotionally and spiritually They say it's the darkest before the dawn. Here is a challange.... Go outside in the yard on the deck  BAREFOOTED and stand there for a few minutes until you can feel your feet getting cold and say outloud  I AM HERE>>>I AM ALIVE >>I MATTER>>I AM A CHILD OF THE UNIVERSE NO LESS THAN THE STARS IN THE SKY...Ok get inside I know your freezing. This is a very powerful grounding exercise,, It also helps us to get back in our bodies.Affermations are also mandatory to  counter the negetive thoughts.Girl Interupted a must see. More than once.Great one liners about choosing Mental HealthAnother good one is Nuts with Barbara Striezan(sp)Her theme is I won't be Nuts for you I would have a journal handy when you see these. I hope in some twisted way I have helped to ease your pain No one should feel as bad as you do....Here is a little fairy dust Think of all the ways you can self nurture and feel good that it's comming from you and not someone else...Feel free to contact me  <3..freebird227   Blessed Be
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Avatar_f_tn
We both sound rather depressed and down.
There is that saying that when you tramp on flowers they smell sweeter.
I guess there is a lot we are both learning about ourselves and that can only make us stronger, better people.

I guess your sister has her own issues to deal with.  I don't think it says very much about some people though when they turn their backs on others -especially when those others desperately need their support.

It's ironic how we can feel closer to those we chat to on the net.
Even talking to the doctors seems less threatening than talking to those here in person.
It's not the same though and I don't think internet relationships should ever replace real life relationships.

I don't think your personality will change.  Maybe you will develop different insights and interpretations.  You will still be you though.  The basics to who you are and what you believe won't change all that much.  I could be wrong, but I don't think so.
I've been extremely bitter about some of my life experiences and how I've been treated but over time we do forgive.  I think it's in our nature to do so.
Symptoms of bpd have destroyed my life, but then, they have also given in return.  I don't believe bpd is a gift but some of the insights, etc have been.  They have come with a price tag though.

I didn't think I was afraid of being abandoned either.  I enjoyed being alone and preferred tasks that didn't require team participation.
I probably did have abandonment issues though because I felt rejected when there was no mail and sometimes when I felt neglected or ignored.
Abandonment issues did come out though after the extreme stress I was under during and after my hospital admission.
I never minded the dark (or not the dark per se).  I developed ocd rituals after seeing a man at my bedroom window one night and I don't like sleeping without a wall at my head and back.
I do have fears about the evenings now though.  Not always, but I guess when I'm feeling more stressed.

If you have photos from when you were younger look at those and look at your eyes.  I did this exercise with my T.

I want someone to take me home and love me and include me in their healthy family dynamics.  How does a normal family live??

Our child abuse seems quite high here at times.  There has just been a trial for a family who abused their three year old.  They wrestled her, slammed her on her head, spun her on the clothes line and put her on a hot cycle in the clothes dryer, etc, etc.

I think I'm pretty depressed again and my family don't even see it.  They probably just think I'm in a ****** mood.  It's so stressful here.  I don't even have my room where I can hide away.  They're putting plaster board up and I just feel like I have no personal space.
I have a gaping big hole in my breast from the infection and they probably think I'm 'different' (grumpy, whatever) because they think it must be sore (which it isn't).  They just don't get any of the mental health stuff.  Why are you stressed?  What's there to be stressed about?  You have nothing to be stressed about, etc, etc, etc.  Why bother talking to them if they minimize everything I feel?  There is no point.

I asked my GP yesterday about the psych consult.  He said he could arrange it or I could go through the new T.  I kind of feel it would be a waste of time though.  I can't utilize interventions when things are this bad.

It is already the first here.  Today didn't seem all that different from yesterday or the day before that.

I need to go.

J
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I know, my husband went to sleep at like 9pm here and I finally fell asleep at like one of something like that. I was so mad at him for a bit last night! I would have wished he would of styed up with me. But his job works him hard and he rarely gets a day off anymore so I can't give him a hard time.
yeah, watch that stop me when he wakes up...I swear I can get such an attitude sometimes! even when I'm really not that upset. Though I'm pretty sure I've shown it to a few people here.

My family understands nada except for my Godmother and I think my father tries to take the time to understand. But the rest if my family...I may as well just be the beggest pain to put up with to them.
I can't remember my mother ever asking me about how I was doing...she asks me about my pain thought that's probably alot safer feeling.

My sister has just as many issues as I do though for some reason she's more understood and since she was brought up to have authority over me although she's younger she feels vindication in the way she treats me.

Have your parents ever been to a session with you? I never brout mine to one because of the terrible relationship we had back then, but I did take them to the doctor with me when they had a hard time believing how much pain I was really in and teh doctor helpped educate her on what it was really like for me.
Some parents no matter how old you get will take a doctors word over ours..or even just a professional in the field of psychology.
I agree with your feelings of, why should I bother telling them anything when all they do is make me feel invalidated.

It was like that for me for a long time. But in my family I was teh one that had to change to make the relationship work. They themselves wouldn't go to therapy because afterall, it was all my fault. So if I want a relationship with my mother, sister and brother I have to bend and change to their needs and what they want so they can feel validation in the fcat that I really am the problem or the "scape goat".

With my Dad it's different. He's never made me feel badly about who I am and has actually admitted to things my mother never could..that growing up they did treat me very differently from my brother and sister. And now I trust my father even more than I did because now I know he can at least see that I'm not the only problem of the family.

Have you tried to sit them or at least one of them down to talk about it, and I mean really talk about it.
I've found if parents feel guilty or that they had something to do with how your feeling, they'll do the opposite of what you wish they would do. Sometiems they shut down and don't know how to help because they feel like they're the reasom your so unhappy.
They they've failed you.

But that's not the case all the time. Sometimes parents just prefer to be in denial because it hurts them less and they have no idea how to help. So they minimize things instead of totally ignoring them and pretending nothings wrong at all.

It sounds like your parents using your revent surgery and infection as the reason is alot easier for them. It's the same with my mother. Much easier to attribute issues to my physical problems because that's whats familiar to them. Everyone feels physical pain at times and many people have had surgeries so it's easier to understand those things for most people.

I am glad your feeling better anyway..is the infection healing nicely? I'm so happy that the tests came back negative for cancer. So happy!

I better go. My pain again is killing me..I swear I think my bladder is revolting against my body for some reason..it's had enough!

Have you ever thought about taking a few psychology classes? I think you'd be very good at it. You don't need to be so put together when you take classes. That's what my T reminded me of. I felt awful ten years ago (or so) and taking a cladd or two really helpped me feel likw I had found something I really love.
I know psychology interests you or you wouldn't be so knowlegable about it and like to help people.

Just a thought

Have a safe and happy new year (hee, hee :0) )


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Avatar_n_tn
Hi
I have been diagnosed with bi-polar depression but mostly depressed
I have alot of the feelings of BPD but how do I know for sure?
I dont hurt myself, but have tryed suicide 2 times.  I dont know who I am.
I am 50 years old are all the people here young?   My pain sounds so much like what I have read here. I dont remember being sexually or phically abused but was negleted and a broken home. I KNOW MY FATHER WAS BPD. AND HIS MOTHER TOO.
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Avatar_f_tn
Dear Freebird227

Happy New Year to you too!!

You articulate those negative feelings so much better than I.
I was thinking about the God thing.  I don't think I have a close relationship with 'God' (I mean, how could I when I don't trust and don't relate well?).  Having said that, I don't think I have ever been abandoned by him either.  I was taught that he always listens, but sometimes we must wait.  Often in hindsight everything becomes clear.

I expect that was an incredibly invaluable four years.
We tend to have a high turn over rate here for psychologists, psychiatrists, etc.  
I wonder what a four year relationship would feel like??  
Were there other factors besides the relationship that made your treatment successful (number of sessions, medication, type of treatment -dbt, cbt, psychoanalysis)?  I know!  Treatment and recovery are different for different people.

I'm slow too.  But I find I use maladaptive coping mechanisms and they are big clues that something is not right.
It's difficult not being able to identify immediately what has upset us.

No, not cold -it's summer here.
Looking up at the night sky can help me feel grounded although sometimes it raises more questions than answers.  Some about the meaning of life, which when I'm not present, seems meaningless and insignificant.

A number of years ago my parents went overseas and one thing they did was visit Colditz Castle.  Mum was naughty and brought a small stone from the castle home.  If that stone could talk ...  Many people have part of their lives etched on it, but what does it mean??
I guess if one were just to focus on the stone then that would be grounding.

Thank you for the fairy dust!!
That is an interesting exercise -things I do to self nurture.  Maybe that is something I could look at extending or building on.  Currently it is very limited.

Thank you heaps for your post -it has helped.

J


Dear Amph

We can understand others behavior but it can also make us feel bereft.

My mother will ask questions, but subconsciously I think she's asking me to tell her only what she wants to hear.  She will make something seem open but then go and put massive limits or restrictions on the response.
Today for example, she said she wished Dad would have some input into the colors for the house, but then added that it can't be this color or that color.  I think what she really wanted was to have her choice validated.

There is usually always one member of the family who is devalued and held accountable for all the family's dysfunction.

Taking my family would feel too threatening for me.  They have gone with me to see my GP a few times but the appointments haven't gone that well.  My mother doesn't like my GP (she believes he's responsible for many of my current problems).  I think she feels that people blame her and I think she perceives mental illness is a huge blight on status.  I just think it is a shallow and superficial response.  To me it says that she is more interested in appearances than in me receiving appropriate support.

Some professionals my parents would respect -just none in the area of mental health now.  There is a history there.

My mother actually didn't get along well with her own mother.  She felt her mother didn't love her (in fact hated her), etc, etc.
I think she would be shocked to hear that that is how I feel about our relationship.  Maybe not all the time, but when it really matters.

I learned quite a lot from my last T and I now know I don't have to be a complete idiot or clown to help my family relate.  I can be true to myself.  It does create some strain but it has also helped at times with trust.

That validation from your father is so important.  I think that contributes a lot towards recovery.

I think my parents are as messed up as I am.  I think that is one of the reasons I have issues.  I don't think my parents are good role models.

The infection?  It has left a hole (probably over an inch and a half deep) and is pretty gory.  I have to see the district nurse every day to get it dressed, etc.  It is still a little *****.  I finish the oral antibiotics tomorrow so hopefully they will be enough.  I'm gutted that it will take it about three weeks to heal.  Maybe surgery when I was so stressed was a bad idea.
That wasn't the final result but I suppose it was good.  Maybe on some level I wish I did have more cancer.  Maybe I wanted the attention, or to prove a point, or to die??

Do you have a UTI (urinary tract infection)?
Pain has got to be better than a colostomy bag, hasn't it?

I don't have the confidence for classes.
Do I help people??  Most of the time I just feel self-absorbed.  Selfish.
I'm not sure what I want to do.  Identity stuff.  Maybe I just need to do something.

You have a safe and happy new year too!!

J


To pushingon

I think you talk to a psychiatrist about it.  They are better able to diagnose.
I think with time you come to accept that the diagnostic criteria actually feel right for you and your situation.  I have been in denial (I haven't wanted the label) but I do believe it probably fits.

Suicide is one of the nine diagnostic criteria for bpd (you need to meet five of them).
Identity or sense of self (not knowing who you are) is another.

The ages of people who post here vary greatly.  I think typically people are younger though.  I could be wrong on that count.  That could make an interesting poll.

Some of the pain we write about is also that caused by depression.  Well who wouldn't be depressed, mental illness can be extremely debilitating.

Neglect and broken homes create abandonment issues (and other issues) too.  One doesn't have to have been abused (physically or sexually) to warrant a bpd diagnosis.

BPD isn't hereditary but I think it does increase your risk of developing/ having it.

Check out the dsm-iv criteria for bpd and talk to your doctor/ psychiatrist about it or any other concerns you have.

J
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Yeah I wish I had UTI! Inerstitial Cystitis is a bladder disease that has no known cause or cure. Basically it means that the GAG layer of my bladder (the layer that protects the under lying bladder muscle) has somehow become damaged, they have alot of theories..most autoimmune and that the body is itself attack the bladder. So basically everytime my bladder fills because urine has a high PH, it burns the exposed muscle. An equvelant of that would be pouring rubbing alcohol into an open wound.
But it also causes inflamation (inflammation) and spasms in the urethra so weeing creates alot of pain also. Sometimes it feels like I'm weeing broken glass.
It can be he77.
The pain is known to be equal to cancer and the quality of life for people with IC is equal to end stage renal failure. So basically a really **** diagnosis.
But for some reason having IC means your more apt to developing IBS, endometriosis, autoimmune conditions and chemical sensativities. Not to mention my skin has become so sensative it's rediculous!

Some days are okay but others ae pure torcher. But since they put me on celexa, back on buspar, ambien and xanax I feel like it's way too much medication for me.
so I want to lower the dose of the pain meds even of the pain will be worse.
The pain def plays into my PTSD from being sexually abused but I NEED to treat the PTSD with all those others meds very badly so I'm just going to ask to loswer the dosage and hope for the best, Or at least maybe get the pain meds dosage really low that I can use pain meds that are short term like percocet and what not when I feel I need them so I can decide what meds I have in my system and which I don't. My pain meds now are long acting 12 hour (not that they actually last for 12 hours anyway).

Having IC, endometriosis and PTSD is a mess..it makes me an extreamly difficult and complicated patient for all my docs. I feel awful for my pain doc. I know she must want to kick me to the curb because being on so many meds I'm more of a liability to her but I'm going to try and make it really easy for her so that when my PTSD is under sintrol and I've worked on the abuse issues and IF my pain is still bad she might be willing to continue treating me.
Unless a cure for IC is found by then...that would of course be the best option!

Yes, I do think you help people. You helpped me when i first came here. Just be talking and just by letting me know if I ever needed to talk you'd be there. And I've read alot of your advice on the mental health fprum(especially when it's ALWAYS full and I can never get a question on) and your very articulate and intellegnat. You understand alot of what people are feeling and know how to give them validation and still make suggestions. That's not always easy. And you talk to people with confidence. Yo make people feel like they can put their trust in what your saying because you appear confident in what your saying yourself. Even if you don't really feel thatway.

But you do remind me of my sister in so many ways. How smart she was and how good she would have been at helping other people even if it was just unofficially. When I first started taking psych classes and she was in teh hospital I would take my homework over to her so she could help me. She never studied psychology. But through having such a deep understanding of peoples emotions mixed with reading alot of book about BPD and of just general psych, she knew so much and had a way of really being able to put things in a way that made sense.

I wish I still had kept in touch with one of my psych professors. He had done his dissortation on BPD and I had written my term paper on it also so we had alot of converstations about BPD in general. He was so understanding of it and cared so much about those dealing with the symptoms. It's true many professionals don't understand BPD but there are those that really truel do and really care.

I know you asked one of the other posters what was it that made her therapy sucessfull. I can tell you that there was one woman that my sister saw that was extreamly helpful to her. And it was because she validated her. She did set those boubdaries that she didn't like. But she was validated in her feelings and thoughts. She wasn't made to feel guilty about her cutting or any of her other unhealthy or dangerous coping skills. Her therapist didn't try to stop her, she just tried to help her. She would say to her...Just for one week I would like to see you try ..this...instead of this...and then when you come back and see me well talk about how it was. Waht was bad about it, what was good about it.
The therapist was willing to take a role in her life that she needed. A little bit of mother, a little bit of father and a little bit of friend..and what I mean was that she was caring, validating, had a sense of humor and was trustworthy which my sister didn't grow up with.
Unfortunitly she lost her insurance and couldn't afford to see her any longer. She was devestated. And the problem then bacame..no ones like Aida...no other therapist is equal to her so what's the point no one will ever be able to help me like she did.

But she was wrong. Because there are therapists that are like that. Even my own. She was very much like Aida was in her techniques. I felt her care for me and that's what I needed. She did at times get a little motherly with me, but for me, I needed that because I had such a terrible relationship with my mother. I needed someone to help validate that I wasn't a bad person and it wasn't all my fault. I needed someone to really listen

And yes, my fathers validation was a huge help in my recivery from the feelings I had about being adopted with two other bio children of theirs as my sister sisn't come into the picture until a little later but she was always in the hospital or in a half way house so it wasn't like she lived with my parents really. I think she liked the halfway houses better. She had more freedom to be herself and to be with people who she cared about and who cared about her.
I would visit her often there and she seemed happier in those times.

But although you remind me of her, your much higher functioning. You remind me of the things I really admired in her. Her intelligence and care for other people and her ability to see inside herself and have alot of insight into her own actions and feelungs. She was very, very ill. Not just with BPD. She also had PTSD and Bi-Polar and something else..I don't know why I'm blanking on the name. But it caused her so very much suffering and after she had to leave Aidas care, she fell deeper and deeper into depression and feeling abandoned and no matter what I tried with her, she refused to be helpped back up. She wanted to stay down there. It was familiar to her. The suffering that is.
Her boyfriend also killed himself and she never quite delt with that and felt that he was teh only man who would ever love her and that when he left she would never have that again.

And so I can understand how much it hurts to feel your parents aren't validating your feelings. Besides my sisters bio family. My mother has always done it to me. I was supposed to look perfect on the outside and if there was a problem I was supposed to
keep it to mysself and not burden anyone with it.

That's part of the reason why I put up my photos. I've gotten tired of pretending to be perfect and part of the all american family. My minds a mess right now, but that doesn't make me any less of a good person or worthy of care and support.
Kind of a 'up yours ma'!

Anyway I'be babbled on enough about things that are off topic here~!!

Amph
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I get acid reflux occasionally and that can be extremely painful.
Your condition sounds EXTREMELY painful and I don't envy you it.

How do you find Buspar?  
I was put on that at the end of last year (the year before last now) then stopped some time in the new year.  I had trouble starting it, then just felt exhausted all the time (I didn't even have the energy to do things I was enjoying at the time).  I did decrease the dose but then that was said to be sub-clinical.
I have been wondering about the role medication can play in treating my anxiety.  I think a psych consult would be a waste of time if I can't be open to suggestions.  I don't even think I could commit to taking anything at the moment.

I guess you wouldn't want to stop the meds and then re-introduce them to see which are most effective.  I guess it's not as simple as with food allergies, etc.
Pain can make us more vulnerable.  Whatever you choose to do it sounds like it will have its challenges.

It must make you not want to eat or drink at times so you don't have to go to the toilet.

It is a bummer about the limits they place on the number of questions that can be posted (even if we do understand the 'experts' too have limits).
What I and some others did was ask the question on the emotional eating forum.  There are limits on that now too (I think).
You could pull up a post and ask your question there.  I'm pretty sure the doctor reads most of the posts.  That would be a waste of time though because he generally only gives one response.
You can't really win, can you?
I feel guilty because sometimes I feel I waste questions.  I never seem to be able to articulate what it is I want to ask and then just flood the post with irrelevant material.

A lot of time people know what they need, or need to do, they just need reassurance.  I'm one of those people who struggle with decision making so sometimes it can be nice when people just say what they think and feel.
Perhaps I give in a way that I perceived was withheld from me?

You were there for me first.
I was a little afraid of making a commitment to visit this site despite wanting to offer support.  Life happens and it can be hard to fulfill a promise or commitment or need.  People with bpd have a lot of needs and it can be difficult not being available.  Availability almost always helps in crises.
It's great that so many people here are able to offer that support -it's invaluable!!

I think many of those who experience mental health issues have a greater understanding.  I don't think our understanding is necessarily compatible with health professionals teachings and learning's though.
Maybe that is just me questioning their motives for working in this field and for offering their own input and experiences??  That could just be my paranoia around trust issues.  It could be that I am splitting.  I wonder why that keeps happening with regards to this issue (patients and professionals)??  Trust??

Perhaps the number of negative experiences I've had with health professionals severely outnumbers the positive.  And also the negative is more intense so that is what I tend to remember.

Perhaps it is just about having a safe space to talk and be ourselves (or learn to be ourselves).
That's what I found helpful with my last T.  A safe space, boundaries and containment and acceptance.
Somehow it evolved that I didn't feel ashamed of everything I said or did.  And I didn't necessarily feel ashamed of being me.  I'm not sure how she managed that.

That's true.  We can feel devastated when we feel we lose something.  Especially something as important as a good T.  We can interpret that loss to mean that we are worthless and useless and can't be helped (or aren't important enough to help).  I think subconsciously we believe the thing that was taken away was the thing that could make a difference to us or could help us.  Who wouldn't be devastated if their life saver was taken from them and they were left to fend for themselves?  It can make one feel powerless and hopeless and helpless.
That's also a depressive transference -which believe it or not is healthy.

It can be depressing trying to find that good T (because there are some bad T's out there, as well as unskilled, inexperienced ones).  It can feel like trying to find that proverbial needle in a haystack (although even that seems easy in comparison).  It is also about trust and being flexible.

Invalidating environments can fragment us.

That is a place I understand very well.  It is a place that continues to jeopardize my recovery.  Place I know is perhaps better than understand.
I think the threat of ect was enough just to keep me out of it -most of the time anyway.  I never want to feel that powerless again.  Or not in the sense that people do something to me that I am vehemently against.  That place is extremely tempting though.

I think in that place the suffering feels less.  Hard to imagine, but that's how it feels.  Maybe it is also about being nurtured by others and about absolving ourselves of responsibility.

Knowing someone who has killed them-self is a risk factor for suicide.

No, that perhaps means you need even more care, concern and support (and empathy).  Why can I see that for others but not myself?  I just feel like a burden.
I think even the real bad people aren't so bad when we learn about their pasts.  We are all understandable when put into context (possibly from our own perspective though and not others.  Which is all that really matters anyway I guess).
How you perceive a situation doesn't alter how I perceive it myself -unless there is sharing of views, etc.

I haven't seen your photos.  I don't think I will search them out either.  I can feel ?? (disappointed, deflated) when something is different to how I expect it to be.
Maybe it could be a useful exercise at a latter date??

I think everything's topical here.  Anything that affects us must be topical.

J

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Oh trust me, that is so fine...some days I think..how could I put those photos up. I hope no ones sees them. It was more an expression for my own empowerment of not being perfect. Not having to meet my mothers standards of hiding all my problems. If I let the world see me and show that I'm far from perfect then I'm not letting her take control over how I presive myself. I don't have to feel badly that I'm not perfect because no one is.

That's my families mantra. Keep it all inside so you don't burden others. And that's the wrong way of thinking.
Always going to the right school, looking perfect on the outside, having teh right career. Even my mother in times of being able to identify me, even with those standars she put on me said she felt she'll never match up to what our family name standards are (Can't use my lat name of course..)

So I think she put those standards on me because she so badly wanted to feel thatshe herself fit in. But deep down she doesn't. Just like me. She's just too afraid to not appear perfect. She really is like June Clever, or whoever those perfect TV moms are.
But  I don't thnk she sees what she's done to me by putting so much pressure on me to keep my problems a secret.

For me after my sister died, I thought..how could anyone ever do that to someone. She's destroyed me. She has no idea what she's done.
I though...I would never do that to the people who love me, and who I love.
And while I don't think I could actually take that kind of action when you get so far into crisis and are re-living a trauma without having the proper support, I found myself thinking...how bad would it hurt to cut my wrists or to ..whatever (I felt using my medications would only be insulting to my doctors who trust me with them. They have been so great to help me so I would never take that help and use it to kill myself).
But I think that if crisis is that great, that overpowering than thinking about suicide is almost like a relief if you know you won't truely take action.
Just  to think that knowing you have this option and that your not going to take it makes you feel stronger. At least for me it does.

I can see where your coming from on teh issues of patient's/clients and professionals. Trust is a big part of that relationship. And if you've ever felt that your trust was betrayed or that you were overpowered then the thought of therapy helping can become difficult. Finding that T that you need , that would be a good match. And having to overcome whta happened in the past to do it(ect). I can't balem you for being afarid and feeling ovepowered when ot came to that. Although ECT isn't at all what it ised to be, the thought is still scary.
Maybe you were different at that time but as long as I've spoken to you I don't see a need for ECT. In you I think the process would be counter productive especially because your not open to it. Some people are. Some people want to find out if ECT would improve things. And some people don't. But then  there are those who don't need such an extream form of treatment.
I think you do need that psych consult and you need to find a good T that you can feel safe with but I don't think you need ECT, i've seen nothing to indicate that.

I knew this man, he wasn't my client he was actually just a guy that I was in school with who was undergoing brain surgery for his depression and for something else..I forget what it was. Oh, yes. He had a seizure d/o and the brain surgery they thought could benefit both the seizure problems and the depression. His depression was very very bad. And I believe he did have ECT at one point but that maybe it wasn't successful or at least not for long enough a time.
At the time it was a cutting edge prosedure. I don't know what ever happened because he didn't come back to class. imagine the recovery period for brain surgery is quite lengthy.

I've pretty much given up on getting on the expert forum. I understand that it fills up. But I think having had try for two months everyday, sometimes two or three times a day is rediculous.
Besides, he deleted our post so I'm not so sure I trust his expertise as we were ahving an important converstation that could have been beneficial for others who would have come along and saw it.
I didn't like that. As the expert he shouldn't have attempted to silence those who were asking jim questions and then discssing the answer.

So I've given up. I do still check just to see how long it can possibly go on. But I won't ask a question.

But in all honesty I think you should get a psych consult. Just hear what he'she says and what they can offer you. You can always decline or ask them the wuestions you need to to see if they are able to meet what you need in a professional.

Buspar for me is okay. I used to take it a long time ago. Found it to do nothing much. But I was supposed to take klonopin with it and wouldn't use it properly as I would cut ut into tiny pieces because I was afraid to take it.
This time I'm on so many meds for thr PTSD that I couldn't tell you what it's doing. Until I am taken off the xanax I won't know. \I'm not even sure the celexa is working. AD's have never worked for me. Maybe if theu jack up the doage to treat the anxiety better it woul work.
I can't believe hoe medicated  I really am!

I gatta go...
hubbies on his way home with dinner. Je's been really sick but can't take off from work..poor thing. He needs to get some rest tonight



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I hope your husband is able to get that rest tonight.  I hope he's not pushing it too hard.  Sometimes a short break from things results in less time away overall.

Nobody is perfect.  I have striven to be but in the end I end up disappointing myself and others and so now I do nothing, perhaps the biggest failure of all.

Our mother's seem a lot alike in many respects.  Perhaps it is a generational thing?
It's odd that we are suppose to be the ones who are ill.  Perhaps they would be too if they confronted their issues.  Maybe a lack of insight is a good thing?  At least you don't have to experience the pain.

Your sister didn't do anything to you and she didn't destroy you.  If you want to say that anyway you may as well say she made you stronger, which I believe her actions have done.
Nobody can make you feel anything.  It is about you and your perception.

Didn't you say you guys argued?  That can be enough for someone with bpd to split everybody off.  Even if it was only a seemingly trivial matter.
Hurting oneself or others is often triggered by feelings of anger.  Imagine how angry one must feel to hurt them-self so much.  I'm not even sure we identify that emotion at the time and that certainly makes it more difficult for interventions (and growth and development).

Perhaps your sister didn't even have insight into what she was doing??  When we hurt ourselves we aren't always aware of the possible consequences of our actions.  Some of us are fortunate to have very damaging experiences to highlight these consequences.

I've abused medications but then I never had that respect for the prescribing doctor or nurse.  I hated medication so I should never have been forced to take it and I hated being told that by law I had to take it.  I think I split that too (all-or-nothing).
I try to avoid abusing any meds my GP has prescribed, but ... sometimes I don't care much about that either.
He gave me a script for some lorazepam and zopiclone and chucked in some comments about safety and not abusing them.  I think this may trigger old feelings and increase the likelihood of abuse.
Your comment mirrors something a previous T said.  Actually she based the comment on her husbands sporting experiences.  Why does he keep going when things are difficult?  Because he knows he can always stop.
I personally don't find it very empowering.  Maybe when I've progressed further in recovery?  And maybe if there was something to live for??

It was stuff that happened prior to being threatened with it and also how it was presented, etc.  I guess it was mainly about being misunderstood too.
I was lucky not to have had it but the threat has still affected me badly.

I spoke with the new T today to re-schedule an appointment.  I have been wondering how I can tolerate someone who doesn't appear to have very strong boundaries.  She is direct and very laid back.  Every time I've been offered an appointment they've been on different days and at different times.  If she knew anything about bpd and how it affects people she wouldn't be doing that.  I need structure, I don't need that!!
She's new so it's not like she has a full schedule or case load.  I see her tomorrow afternoon at 2 (followed by a wound clinic (I'm starting to feel like a war veteran) and a GP appointment).
You know, I can't actually be bothered talking to someone who is going to take the next 4-5 weeks to do a psychological review.  Whatever happened to therapy?

I would have thought that doing ect on someone who has seizures would be dangerous.  I've heard that in extreme cases they do do neurosurgery for those with severe seizures (and ocd).
I think, sometimes when people don't return, that that is an extremely bad sign.

Perhaps you need to try posting at different times?
Did he pull it?  Anyone can report a post.  Maybe some of the safety stuff I mentioned was too explicit??  If people are easily triggered ...
To me it just represented another invalidating environment.  Similar to the one created here when posts were deleted.  If there was something wrong then somebody was not hearing something.  It's rubbish when people don't hear and also sweep you and your issues under the carpet.  At least the other person doesn't have to confront their difficult emotions.

I've seen them all before at some point.  They assign psychiatrists, psychologists, nurses, etc by where you live.  I would end up seeing the one I saw last time and while he did mention some interesting things (just different perspective) I thought he was pretty useless and he aggravated me no end.  He was painfully slow.
I could always ask to see the clinical director of mental health (also a psychiatrist) but then he had me sectioned and said that ect would have to be considered, etc, etc.  That would also bring with it difficulties and that would split an already fragmented team.

I'll see how therapy goes tomorrow.  I've lost nearly four months of therapy now.  That is over 40 sessions (nearly 50 in fact).
There has been no psychological support for me during that time and with surgery and everything else ...  I am not the most tolerant person at the moment.  I continue to put on weight and I'm sick of traveling an hour every day to attend the wound clinic.  I am seriously thinking of not going anymore.
I found my old meds today and thought about giving them to my GP when I see him tomorrow but I think maybe I'll just hold onto them.
Maybe I could give them to the T tomorrow, maybe that would get my point across?  Is that being manipulative or is that just plain common sense?
Anyway, I'm feeling extremely frustrated and I'm feeling frustrated that I can't get on top of things.  This was the mhs doing as they didn't provide adequate support/ containment -just kept telling me that they were concerned by the lack of support they were providing.

I hope your hubby feels better soon.

Take care
J
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