HELP! How do I deal with being abused by my BPD BF?

My bf has severe BPD and has finally accepted it and claims to be willing to get help. I wanted to stick by him and support him through it, but he has been so abusive to me both emotionally and physically (which causes me to retaliate in a similar manner and become an abuser myself, giving him the ammo with which to place all of the blame on me) that I'm not sure I can hang in there. Last night he nearly choked me to death several times and threatened to kill me. This was the first real instance of physical abuse, as it has been all verbal in the past.

I'm taking myself out of the situation by leaving town, but I feel like that may hurt him more than help his condition. I want to help because he's expressed the desire to help himself, but I just don't know what to do. Should I cut off all contact with him? Should I remain his friend and try and be there for him despite our temporary (possibly permanent) separation? Sometimes I'm not sure he loves me for who I am but rather can't stand the idea of being alone. Thx.

[patient49]

Hi, I was going to respond to you yesterday but I thought somebody else would do a better job responding to you, as this is an amazing support community which you can rely on for support. It is only coincidence that no-one has responded yet, I guess bad timing? But many people on here are in your situation, and many of us are lonely!

I don't know how severe the danger is in your relationship, but it sounds serious, if he almost choked you to death SEVERAL TIMES! And threatened to kill you. Well if it is really that bad, you definately want to get out of this relationship, and since you are seperated right now it is your opportunity to make it easier on both of you!! Abuse like this usually doesn't get better, it gets worse, and can ruin your whole life. And you seem to be very rational so you want to have a good life. You are certainly not responsible for him, and the best way you may be able to help him is end the relationship, and if you think it won't jeopardize yourself, you don't even have to see him, but I guess you can talk on the phone with him, and not make it a habit, and also email him. How old are you anyway, do you mind me asking?

I am just a bit confused when you say you are leaving town to avoid the situation, which sounds serious, but then you say your separation might only be temporary! You should seek help and support. There are many social services for battered woman and people who are in danger. And it is a big world so you certainly can be safe. You might very well need to talk with the police! I hope this is helpful, and keep coming here for advice and support!!  I hope things are going smoothly!

[Jaquta]

Sorry for not taking the time to read your post sooner.  As someone with bpd I feel overwhelmed by the recurrent issue of abuse dished out by those of us with bpd.  And also at times by the intensity of that abuse.

I think you need to decide what you want from the relationship and whether it is of value to you.

If you are not interested in a relationship with your bf then you should severe all contact.  Unless of course you want and are able to maintain a safe friendship.

If you are interested in making the relationship work I think a break is a good idea.  I think if he nearly killed you then he is sufficiently unwell and you need to make your safety a priority.
I'm actually wondering whether this person needs to be in hospital.  I don't know.  It's possible that a short stay could be beneficial.  Hurting and threatening you is enough for you to have him committed.

Leaving him when he is this unwell is unlikely to make things worse.  In my opinion, it would be stupid to stay.  I think staying would also give him a sense of power and leave him with the message that it is OK to treat you like that.  It's not.
If you are concerned about his safety then you should be helping him to access appropriate psych support.  Minimum anyway, he should probably be assessed by a psychiatrist.

If you have questions over your relationship then maybe a complete break, while he is accessing professional help, would be a good idea.

Given your relationship I think therapy could be a good idea for you to help you work through stuff.

You know yourself and your situation best.  You need to trust yourself to make the best decision for you.  Family and friends sometimes are only to happy to give an honest appraisal of what they see and think.  You could start by asking them.  

[Jaquta]

You should trust yourself and what you post too.  Don't feel like you should hold back.

I think many of us post as a defense mechanism.  Loneliness is just one thing we defend against.  Probably for me if I didn't post then I would be forced to focus on my own life.  Posting can be a good distraction from many things.  Plus if you can reach out and connect with people and learn, then that's got to be a bonus.

[nicam]

Thanks for all your advice! It's funny, I was willing to stay with this man and work through things with him, but then when I left town he dumped me and stopped taking my calls, etc. I guess it all worked out for the best and although I am hurting, I am with people who love and support me.

[Jaquta]

Dumping you leaves him feeling in control and with some power.  Emotionally if he makes you out to be all bad then it is easier and less painful for him.  I hope he does get support.

I'm sorry you're hurting but are glad you have support at this time.

Good luck and best wishes for the future.