Have I daydreamed my way to a personality disorder ?
Its hard to explain my so called symptons, but after reading an article claiming Norways Breivik was narcissistic, I wanted to find out what that actually was, and after researching felt the symptons seemed a little closer to home.
For the past 12 years, I've found myself very unwilling to socialise with others unless I feel everything is perfect not only physically but verbally. If a party is coming up or an event, I will spend the weeks even months before preparing(via daydreaming) every last detail, which would only include how i'll look, the effect this will have on others around me, the conversations and usually this is something I would have spent hours daydreaming about even listerning to music to complement as a perfect scenario soundtrack; when i do this its always something ridiculous like i have wings and can fly or im going to save everyone from some sort of apocalypse, which is when i switch to listern to more fast paced music to suit my daydream; this is just one example.
I have moments when I am very confident which again would have been premedidated at some point(as every situation in feels like i have to drum myself up beforehand), during the morning or night before. I also have moments at some point everyday when I get paranoid, like everyones talking about me sometimes it makes me feel good and important(so at this point ill start to daydream something crazy like im a spy and ive just been figured out and consciously i will switch my mp3 to play fitting music) other times I get panicky, and my face and hands get really warm, and I do something like rub my nose or my eyes or cough without reason( ive done this since I was in secondary school) which helps when I get really nervous I always assumed it throws people of the scent of me being nervous but recently noticed friends do actually pick up on these things.
I do have worse moments but I think the worse is my daydreaming I feel like ive spent the last 12 years imagining perfect conversations and scenarios in my head, and even if the scenario has already taken place if it hasnt gone well, I spend the next few weeks daydreaming it over and over again correcting everything to make sure I was the centre of every situation.
I know its not serious as I do normal things, minus my hermit like stages, I just think despite what comes out of my mouth and my actions, everything I do and say that has the possibility of having a good effect on people around me, ive already meticulously thought about every little detail.
It could be anxiety related. I use to ruminate on details too.
I would probably advise talking to a psychotherapist about your sitaution and work through any underlying issues.
Seeing a psychiatrist probably wouldn't be a bad idea either. Wondering about social anxiety. Some of the symptoms also fit bpd. Low energy/ high energy can be a result of splitting. Something usually happens to trigger you into a state where you can harness your emotional energy. For me I think this happens when I feel particularly rejected and angry. I push those feelings away and feel more energised as a consequence.
Paranoia can be due to excessive stress and anxiety. It is usually short-lived compared to true psychotic episodes (where people can't reality test).
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