Wife doesn't know she has BPD we were seeing councilor she quit coming and after I begged for help he recommended two books walking in egg shells and I hate you don't leave me and while he couldn't professionally tell me her BPD I read these two in tears as I watched my life unfold over a 32 year marriage unfold. I have spent my life trying to fix things... I now get it... My wife (bpd) nor my kids know what she has, I don't know what to do... She won't go to counseling and I don't know whether to try to tell her about the likely condition (she fits 80%) or explain to the kids, I sit on this...but getting unbearable, any thoughts?
It sounds like you wife needs to see a good Psychiatrist to get a diagnosis. There are some other conditions that can mimic BPD. One of them is bipolar. They are so very similar. BPD can be hard to diagnose. That's why I recommended a good Psychiatrist. If you can catch your wife at a "good" time maybe she might listen to you and your great concern for her.
As a BPD mother of two, I took the news rather badly at first myself, but in the end, I KNEW something was "wrong" with me, and I wanted to understand my condition more so that I could learn better coping strategies and be a better parent and a better partner (and your wife probably will have many strong, mixed emotions but will also want to be the best parent that she can be).
I'd give her the books, TLC expressing tremendous love and concern and HOPE, and plenty of space. Then, let her approach you with the topic when/if she is ready. When I read both of those books, it was a tremendously uncomfortable experience that triggered some pretty intense episodes (I read while my kids were at a relative's house). Despite my resistance to the information, I could not help but see "my life" played out in the pages, examples, descriptions.
I also agree with the previous poster, that an accurate diagnosis from a qualified mental health professional is critical. I disagree with how similar BPD and bi-polar disorder are (though I was at first misdiagnosed bi-polar as many BPDs are) -- my ex husband was bi-polar and his cycles were somewhat predictable and cyclical. . . a BPD has trouble regulating emotions and will have episodes in response to specific emotional triggers.
Hopefully, as you go back through the Walking on Eggshells book (and workbook), you'll learn ways to heal yourself and develop an understanding that many of her less desireable behaviors are manifestations of a condition that she hasn't learned to manage -- not direct attacks on you (though I'm sure it feels that way). There is an excellent book for children of borderline parents that I gave each of my kids to read when they were teens: Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem (by Kimberlee Roth).
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