How to make sense of this?

Hi there,

This is a complex question, but here goes nothing. I apologize the length of this, but I want to give some context.  I am a woman who was in a relationship with a woman with BPD who claimed that she was a lesbian. She did the whole pedestal thing to me, and looking back, it was almost like she assumed all of my interests and likes in order to get me. While she was busy learning all about me, my interests, and showing up to more and more things that I went to (until she was at almost 4 things that I attended per week), she was engaged! She broke off her engagement rather heartlessly, causing her partner to have to give away their 2 dogs, sell their house etc. I thought at this point that we were just friends, and I remember wondering about her 180 towards her fiance and asking her about it. She (I now realize) made up reasons to justify her actions, saying that her partner was too controlling with money. Years later I came to realize she is over 100, 000 in debt, has major credit card debt and spending issues, and was spending over 500$ per month on alcohol (she's also an alcoholic, I later learned). So, I think... of COURSE her partner was controlling with money, she was living with her and was probably freaked out about all of that.

Anyhow, fast forward to the me that didn't know all of this in retrospect yet.. the me that was her friend and believing everything that she said after her break up. At this point she also "appeared" to have everything in common with me because she'd adopted all of my interests. Combine this with low self esteem at the time, and I ended up in a realtionship with her. At first, she seemed great- like a soul mate. However, she had adopted all of my interests, and soon became resentful towards me for doing those same interests. This was very confusing as I didnt realize (yet) that she had adopted them to "get me". She was also very jealous if I went out with friends. One day at about 6 pm. I went for tea with about 5 friends for the birthday of a friend. My partner (Kathy) wasnt home from work yet, so I just went to meet my friends. She called me when she got home asking where I was and I explained. Her response was that she was going to go out dancing by herself. So, she did... and she cheated on me at a dance club (making out) with a guy. This pattern seemed to repeat itself- if I wasnt paying her enough attention, she would go get it elsewhere. I feel like I was trained like a dog... over time I lost all my self esteem. I eventually stood up to her and told her that she had to stop or I was leaving. then she blamed all those incidents on getting drunk and said she was having a hard time stopping drinking. She said she would join AA, probably mostly to keep me. And so she actually did, and I felt hopeful. I too was convinced it was maybe just the drinking.

However, after she joined AA she became a totally different person. I think the threat of my leaving (which spurned her into joining AA) made her have the fear of abandonment thing... and she just got mean. It was like consta revenge. Not only that, she lied a lot before, but she started lying even more. She met with her AA group and would tell me when she got home that they all felt I was abusive. When I asked her why, she would say because I didnt want her going out dancing alone anymore. When I asked her if she gave them the context of her going out dancing alone plenty in the past and cheating, she said no... and so she slowly started lying her way into victim status.

At some point, it was like she started believing her own lies.I dont really know why it happened because I didnt change anything, but she started acting like she HATED me. She still had mood swings and banged her head when stressed, but she started just really flipping reality on its head, emotionally and verbally abusing me, etc. Meanwhile, I had put so much into this relationship... had joined al anon, gone to therapy with her, etc, I didnt want to walk away. I didnt understand what was going on, and part of me felt like it was an abandonment fear she was having and reacting to and so I didnt want to abandon her.

Anyhow, she ended up telling me, in one of her cruel fits, that she had a crush on a male friend. Part of me still feels this was a lie just due to the look she got in her eye... like as if she was saying "take THAT", or "SEE! HA". It was a cruel look that seemed to delight in the pain she was inflicting. At this point in time, my parents were due to visit me, and were going to stay at my place. We did not yet live together, but she stayed at my place a lot. I asked her to please take home some of her work stuff (she came over to work at my place sometimes and had binders, staplers etc there) so she could work at home while my parents were visiting. I also asked her to please use this time to figure out what she wanted because I could not take having my heart broken over and over. I didnt hear from her for 4 days. She told me that my email asking her to pick up her binders and figure out what she wanted made her git herself and have a break down. This makes no sense to me, as I was reacting to her "crush news" on the back of many affairs. She then said she didnt have a car and so couldnt come get her things. I eventually offered to drive them to her place, but got no response. I packed her things into 2 tupperwares and emailed again saying I could bring them by after her AA meeting. At this point my parents were arriving the next day, and so I just brought them by despite a lack of a response. She was clearly home, and her light was on, but she wouldnt answer her door. So, I left them at her door and texted her than Id brought them over. After I left to go to my car, I came back and saw she'd brough them in, so I went home.

About 4 days later, she broke up with me. Her reason was the weird part... she said that she was breaking up with me because of the way I had handled it. She made everything my fauilt. She said I came over and threw all her things all over her lawn to get stolen. That was completely not true, and I couldnt believe she was lying to my face about something I was present for. I have no doubt this is what she told her AA friends. And so, I tolerated all this crap for 3 years, and then got dumped for bringing her 2 tupperwares of neatly packed office supplies because she didnt have a car and had a crush she needed to apparently sort out.

Anyone who has made it to the end, thank you. Can someone please explain this ending to me? I still dont get it. Did she really have a crush and was just trying to find an excuse to make leaving not her fault? Could she really believe this distorted reality? Not only did she leave, she proceeded to show up to all of my band concerts (I was in a band) to socialize with my friends like she was doing excellently. I am confused, and forever scarred.

If anyone here can help me to understand all this, it would be appreciated. Again, sorry for the length!

[Keezie]

hi i guess the only one that can really answer it is your ex. myself ive bpd and after reading your post in my opinion your ex had it very bad in the way she acted towards you. ya see people with bpd like to test the ones that love them just to see if they pass the test. bpd is a tricky one for the mind as we make up our own world as we go along and how dare anyone say its not true.
truth is we live in a scary place where as children we were not attented to very well and as a result we tend not to trust very well and get hurt very easily.
one way to help is to test others and when they fail and they always do we are satisified in the knowledge that they were no good for us in the first place rendering our belief that it was them and not us who is at fault.
it takes a very strong minded person to be able to handle someone wity bpd and i dont say this with any reference that you are not strong but people with bpd can break people down to nothing without any remorse.
in her head she had to blame you because if she realises that she is the one with the problem then she has to do something about it and thats not an option.i would not feel bad if i was you because you have done nothing wrong.

[Keezie]

hi i guess the only one that can really answer it is your ex. myself ive bpd and after reading your post in my opinion your ex had it very bad in the way she acted towards you. ya see people with bpd like to test the ones that love them just to see if they pass the test. bpd is a tricky one for the mind as we make up our own world as we go along and how dare anyone say its not true.
truth is we live in a scary place where as children we were not attented to very well and as a result we tend not to trust very well and get hurt very easily.
one way to help is to test others and when they fail and they always do we are satisified in the knowledge that they were no good for us in the first place rendering our belief that it was them and not us who is at fault.
it takes a very strong minded person to be able to handle someone wity bpd and i dont say this with any reference that you are not strong but people with bpd can break people down to nothing without any remorse.
in her head she had to blame you because if she realises that she is the one with the problem then she has to do something about it and thats not an option.i would not feel bad if i was you because you have done nothing wrong.

[confuzednon]

Hi Keezie, Thank you so much for giving me some insight from someone with BPD. Yeah, I think you are very right about her testing me. Actually, a classic example now that you brought that up, is when she found out her apartment and bed were infested with bed bugs. She told me about this, and called the extirminator. They were due to come the next day, and they told her to wash all of her clothes in hot water and then to seal them in garbage bags for the spray the next day. She decided to ask me to stay at her place that night... in her bed bug infested bed. When I declined, which I think is reasonable seeing as I couldnt sleep knowing there were bed bugs biting me all night, and because I didnt want to spread them to my place, she got VERY angry. She chose that time to start adding up how much more often she stayed at my place versus I stayed at hers. I mean, I am sure MOST people would not want to sleep in a bed bug infested bed, but she somehow again convinced me I was a bad person. She didn't speak to me for 4 days. I couldnt understand this episode, but what you said just helped me... that was all a test (a ridiculous test, but a test nonetheless) and I failed. I really hope that one day she kind of wakes up to all of these things and has insight, like you see to have, about why she does it. It seems like she has too much pride to do that though, and I wonder if it will ever happen.

[confuzednon]

It's kind of interesting, and sad really: the borderline tests their partner to prove that their partner doesnt love them and those tests just serve to teach the non that they are not loved. Nons have feelings too, unfortunately.