I am hurting

I am dealing with some very sad feelings, because of some mean and sad events that happened to me yesterday and today, and i am very afraid this is going to trigger my BPD if it hasn't already, although i am trying my hardest to know that these things were not intentional. It hurts.

Firstly, yesterday i went to go get my haircut and i was feeling good about myself, finally got my confidence up and i was happy. In fact recently i have been doing wonderfully in adapting a new found positive attitude towards myself and life. As soon as i walked out of the salon, i stood outside with my worker, and watched three young guys walk past. When they sped off in their truck, he hung out the window and shouted directly at me, "I think you should kill yourself!" Well... at first i was strong, did not take it to heart, and continued talking to my worker about conditioner.
But the more his comment resided in my brain, (even while i was pretending to talk as if nothing was bothering me although my words slurred and i could see the worry on my workers face) the more i could not help but think, "why would anyone say that to anyone?" Never mind why they would say it to me, but how harsh is that to say to anyone in general? I did not know them, they did not know me, and i just could not understand why they would say that to me. It confused me so much. Never before in my entire life, even when i had the worst self esteem and battled anorexia had anyone insulted me that badly. I wasn't even dressed in goth or black like usual. There was no reason for that. Why, and why now of all times when i was happy? Anyway i guess the why's don't matter as much as the fact that i told my worker and mom how i felt but they dismissed it as if should be easy for me to forget about them. The truth is, i cannot let go of things like that so easily. I allowed it to ruin my whole day, and i allowed it to ruin today as well. Because i do not know how to let bad and sad things go.

So, they think what causes the abandonment issues for me was the fact i was adopted. This fact in itself sums up everything i am going through right now today and at this very second.
Today, September 1st is my Special Day. You see, i grew up as a kid thinking that everyone had their own "special day" holiday which is exactly like a birthday but different. My parent's made me a special day which comes around every year, and it stands for the day my adoption was finalized. It always meant so much to me, it reminds me that my parents really do care about me and that i belong in my family.
But when i woke up this morning I never heard from my parents at all. That's okay i thought they might be planning to surprise me. So i waited throughout the day. Still hadn't heard from them, and by the time my worker drove me to therapy.

Long story short another horrible incident happened in the parking lot at the hospital that ruined my day. Something else i did not deserve from another random stranger being mean to me. Never before in my life have people been this downright rude to me. It's not that i am seeing things negatively it is that simply horrible things happened. She was an older woman, staff at the hospital, i was sitting on a curb and she decided to come over, ram into my curb in her small car, and yell at me making me feel horrible about myself. On a positive note, my worker was there to witness that her hostility was not aggravated by anything i did, thus we are filing a complaint on her. But still, why is everyone being mean to me suddenly? Usually i am dealing with my own insults towards myself,  paranoid that everyone hates me for illogical reasonings, but i had recovered in that area, until yesterday and today i have vital reasons to think people hate me. I can get over knowing that my paranoia that they hate me is illogical, but how do you get over when someone really does hate you?  

When my dad picked me up after therapy he never once mentioned my special day. I was dropped off at my house feeling terribly sad. He said he had to go work and do something important. I didn't want to bring it up to them, because... well i didn't want them to feel bad for forgetting my special day.
I planned to sulk around my house in my sadness. But then i realized i was running out of cigars, and had no transportation, so i called up my mother hoping she would be around town.
This is what hurt me the most. She said she was in nanaimo, a big city a few hours away, with my sister, buying her school supplies. Now i already have an unreasonable and illogical fear that they favour my sister more than me, since she is their real daughter. But it really hurts that my mom forgot my special day, and was all the way in nanaimo shopping for my sister, in which i had not seen my whole family for many days because they were all investing their time in helping my sister pack to move to Victoria because they were proud she was going to college.
Anyway, i did not let my paranoid mind get in the way here. My mom said she would stop by my house in a few hours when she got back. I was still hopeful. I thought maybe she would buy me a Special Day gift there, and surprise me.
But nope. Nothing. When she got back, she threw the cigars on the table, made small talk with me and said she had to leave abruptly because they had something important that had nothing to do with me going on at their house. Something like house plans or something.
That's when i reminded her it was my special day. At this point it was already too late in the evening to plan to do anything to celebrate it. Never got a card or anything. The small objects and stuff like that doesn't mean much to me. But i really wanted the sentimental stuff, like... my family should have been with me today, we should have been together, they could have given me a hug or something. I knew she felt bad for forgetting. I almost broke down in tears in front of her but stopped myself, because i did not want her to feel worse. I know they would not have done it intentionally but it still hurts, ya know? Sometimes they can be so unsupportive in emotional ways. I am grateful they drive me around and pick up food for me, but i don't really care about that, what i care about is that they talk to me, spend time with me, that jazz.
Then i find out that i won't see them AT ALL for two days, because they are leaving first thing tomorrow to move my sister to victoria. All of this is very heartbreaking to me.

.......(message continued below, apparently the other stuff i wrote exceeded the character length)
  

[ciqala]

To make matters worse I am dealing with a sexual assault, and my workers are convincing me to go report it to police this Friday. I agreed and everything, and now i find out my mom might not be around to give me moral support after the traumas of talking to police and telling them everything. Also, today in therapy, my therapist gave me BAD NEWS that the treatment centre i have invested all my time and motivation for health, and recovery of my addictions, turned me down because of my dual diagnosis and sex addiction. My therapist said he is going to try and change their minds, but it seems hopeless. Tomorrow i get the phone call from him whether or not he succeeded. This is VERY heartbreaking. I have spent months, so much time, effort, in preparing to get into this treatment centre and they just reject me even though i am trying my hardest and am sober and have been attending AAs regularly, every single day!

I know that i usually let smaller betrayals like this stick with me for years, so i have NO IDEA how to forgive and let go, or even stop my sadness about this. I know that this is not an illogical event, it was real, and i just don't know how to deal with my emotions. It is like, 2 30 in the morning now, so i know i shouldn't try and phone them to hash it over. I really don't know what to do other than cry, and not sleep all night worrying about it constantly.
I took my seroquel pills and they usually knock me out fast, but they aren't seeming to put me to sleep like usual.
Anyway, for short term i am sure i can keep my self safe by passing out,

but please, please, please help me in getting over these horrible hurdles. I really need support i don't want to change back into my old hateful view of the world, and i really just want to get over this. I feel like i am mourning death of a loved one because all of these events. i don't know how to deal with these emotions of hurt.

[inneedofhelp82]

I know how you feel, im not sure if i can be much help though, i was sexually assaulted last year and had a terrible time with the police.
I am sorry that the treatment centre won't help you that must feel terrible, will your therapist still help you though.
You will need lots of support if you report the assault to the police.
Strangers can be downright rude sometimes, no one has the right to speak to you like that, but please try not to think about it to much, i get that too i hold on to the bad comments, try to think of it , that they don't know you so they don't matter.
Emotions are hard to deal with, in therapy at the minute i am learning how to recognize my emotions and try to understand why i am feeling them, it drives me mad, stresses me out, makes me feel stupid. I mistake every emotion for panic and all i do is panic and feel depressed.
You really need to talk to someone about all this do you have a therapist or psychiatrist?
I know this is really hard to deal with and i wish i could be more help but my life is not great at the minute i am really struggling but i just wanted you to know that someone is here. I am here to listen and if i can help i will. Please don't feel alone i really do know how you feel. Take care