I feel like something is seriously wrong.

[lyssgrace]

I am a college student. I am an A student, involved in the community, an RA, a mentor, and I play on two teams. I appear very happy and can make myself appear happy etc. However, I feel like something is wrong, deep inside. I think I am depressed, but I dont know- and can make myself "be okay," but I have been cutting for 4 years now...but I haven't told anyone yet. I have "moods" as my roommate calls them and I am absolutely irrational. during exam week, after working for 3 days straight, I snapped and got very drunk and bought a $900 dollar pair of Chanel pumps (that I have hidden from my parents...along with the stacks of designer jeans that I buy). In just minutes, I am happy, excited,   sad, desperate, suicidal, elated...I can never figure out what I actually feel because in just a few minutes I can be something completely opposite of what I am ...
I am very tired of this whole process and have been knicknamed "crazy"..."druggie" (I don't drink often, but I drink a lot when i do drink. I also take pills, advils, tylenol pm's in large quantities- instead of taking the dosage, I pour out a small handful... I have been knicknamed: "bipolar" ...and I can make the names not be true- btu i think that something is very wrong with me, because looking at my actions and my inability to say who/what I am is troubling...and exhausting!!
what should i do now? what's my next step?
I am afraid to go to therapy or to tell anyone about my thoughts (not illustrated in this comment) because I fear that the content and my history of cuttign will send me to the hospital... and I don't want that because I can be somebody who is "ok" in a minute....ahh. help.

[lyssgrace]

also- I thought it should say...I have had loss of control of my bowls, I have irregular periods, and I have a heart condition (PVA)...as well as constantly hearing ringing/music(bagpipes and saxophones), and I continually see horrible things...extremely frequently I suddenly lose my facial expressions and the world is hit by a freight train, everything flies everywhere...I dont' understand what's wrong with me.
I have never taken drugs (other than the advils and other non-perscription drugs). I have recurring blackouts, and often lose my hearing when someone is speaking to me, I can stare straight at them and not see them or hear what they are saying.
I am quite frightened at my life, what is wrong with me?

[jo929]

I really do not think anyone here is qualified to diagnosis, just what is wrong with you, you say, you are having all of these problems, and it sound like you should have seen a Dr long before this, why are you afraid to go to a therapist, the first step is talking to your parents,, ,go to the hospital, and you do need help, to make you better, it sounds like you are getting worse, and my dear , what ever you do, please go to the Dr, and tell him everything, and hold nothing back, as you are not the first, nor will you be the last to seek help  also you need to do this as soon as possible,   I do wish you lots of luck   jo

[maurafrog]

I have had the EXACT symptoms you describe when i was in late high school all the way through college and for about two years after college.

I went to numerous doctors and therapists but never really told them exactly what was going onand i'd contradict myself all the time b/c i couldn't articulate exactly what was wrong with me, and they'd prescribe medications for me, of which i'd take for about 1-3 months then give up on it and stop taking them.

I HONESTLY THINK it is a biochemical problem, in addition to your age, and there is nothing wrong with you. Many people have felt like this, and it is probably a combination of several things -- you are not being true to yourself and doing things you like to do -- you are on autopilot and just taking a bunch of classes and signing up for things like teams because you think that is what you are supposed to do, not necessarily because you are picking things you truly want to do. The other comment I have is that even if you don't think so, i think a really low dose of anti-anxiety medication (not antidepressant) would help take the edge off and stabilize your moods.

It also has to do with age. As you get older, you will stabilize more, and your priorities will start changing, as will your outlook on life and what matters to you.

As someone who has been through all the things you describe, including screaming, crying hysterical fits and going to hospitals for and driving people away and never feeling 'ok' during college, I really truly believe it is because you are doing things you 'should' do instead of things you 'want' to do, and you could be measuring your self worth based on your grades, how many academic degrees you have, etc.

I think you will even out with anti-anxiety and with time. I think you are completely right -- you ARE okay. You don't need to go to the hospital. You need to go to a doctor and get some mild anti anxiety meds, like such as at your campus health center, and sign up for a yoga or meditation.

Another thing that helped me alot was going to a massage therapist and getting different kinds of touch. I think touch might help you a bit. Also maybe take some time to just sit and clear your mind, breath, and use positive thinking.

I went to a top tier private liberal arts college and graduated with a high GPA, in addition to starting a company, playing sports in college, and chamber music and 'doing it all'. It made me very unhappy and unstable. After college, i spent a year going through the same terrible moods and symptoms, and then I randomly moved to San Francisco, found a job, and was forced to figure things out on my own. As a result, I got into swing dancing, tried a job field outside of my major, and started to develop an identity i wanted, instead of one i thought i 'should' have. After several years I went back to grad school, I continue to run my own company, and i don't fall back into those mood patterns anymore. If you try what i've suggested, I think it will help you over time. Don't get down on yourself, and just take things one step at a time. Pack-man style. (like that old video game).


best,
maura

[maurafrog]

Also, i had the irregular period thing and bowel thing. While i definitely recommend you get checked by an ob-gyn just to make sure everything is on-track, I know that you can have gastrointestinal problems and mentrual problems when you are under extreme stress. You mood and mood swings and stressful state can cause this, and once you calm down, these physical problems will probably go away (still get checked though).

Try not 'doing it all' and just focus on doing two or three things that really matter to you, and that you really like to do. Don't do anything you don't like just for the sake of 'doing' something, or because someone said you 'should' do it (your parents think you 'should' take that class, or you think you 'should' sign up for ten extracurriculars). Do only what creates value in your life. You need to do things that mirror your values so that you will feel like you respect yourself, and then it will follow others will respect you. Don't run arounddoing a bunch of activities you find meaningless because you think it 'looks good' on a transcript or something, and maybe just slow down.

You'll be okay. Get the ob-gyn checkup, and ask for some anti anxiety, and try to do a bit of stretching or quiet time so you can be 'still' with yourself.

[jo929]

i have worked with people for 40 years, and i feel for the things you have been through but i do not agree with you i believe that lyssgrace needs to see a DR as soon as possible, and also tell her parents as this is not normal behavior for anyone, and her health could suffer more than you think if she keeps taking the mes and drinking also it is not normal to hear these things and she can be helped by a DR, also cutting ones self is a sign a sure sign that she needs hep and now

[jo929]

I worry that you have all of these problems and i do want you to know that what you are feeling doing especially the cutting, you need help also tell mom and dad and go to ther DR i do not care what one says your health could get so bad that your loss of bowels could get worse if you do not get help now, also the  ringing and hearing these things are not normal so plese take my advice and go to the dr before it is to late you are young and in thew prime of your life so get help and do not be afraid  po me if you want to    luck  jo

[ray31]

I went thru it. I was very popular,had good grades,attractive, but there was something inside me that i knew was wrong. i hated myself, drank at every chance i would get because it made me forget about what a loser that i thought i was, i would then get into physical fights with others, i was almost always angry and allienated but the worst part was that at the age of 17 i had no idea how to explain or understand what was wrong with me. Which is usually where the cutting begins.its to relieve the pain you feel inside. its very common and you do need to see a doctor to be properly diagnosed.hospitalization is now thought to make things worse for cutters.As long as they arent suicide attempts. Please Please read the book  BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER DEMISTYFIED. But most of all you need to find some other way to deal with your pain than cutting, I started by writing with a pen where i would of normally cut myself, baby steps. I really am here to tell you from experience that you cant erase scars, I  have horrible scars on my arms as well as other places, i am 31 now and regret what i did to myself everyday(i havent cut myself since my early 20s). ive had to explain these scars to friends,borfriends,co-workers and even strangers who look at me like im a freak. worst of all, ill have to explain it to my 3 kids one day cause i can only avoid there questions for so long..  Alot of people suffer from what you have, the sooner you see a doctor the better. In the meantime please take care of yourself.

[ray31]

sorry i think its important for me to mention that i dont know about hearing things or seeing things, that could be something pretty serious either physicaly or psychological, I really think you should see a doctor. Besides that must be pretty scary to deal with alone.

[Chasity137]

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!! But, you do need to go get help....I was a cutter once upon a time so there is hope I am now married with a child....cutting you can hit a main artery and kill your self or get a really bad infection. If you go seek help they won't put you in a hospital as long as you are seeking help all though they might suggest it so they can try you on medications and see how you do on them. You need to see someone that can help you....sounds like bipolar or borderline personality disorder. I am not a doctor so I can't say that's what you have but that's what it sounds like. Therapists are confidential or talk to your medical doctor and she or he can refer you to someone.

[lyssgrace]

first...thank you all for your concerns-
I started this column thinking that nobody would read it; that nobody would care.
your replies have truly touched me.
thank you

[kmathis70]

you actually sound like me with your symptoms but ive heard voices and the works i've had half the dx in the book but am finally going for psycho eval on 16th. but really you should get help even if it is some meds to slow your mood swings down. i'm also a cutter been one since i was 13 and i'm 38. but i can go for a year with not cuts then bam all heck breaks loose . please get the help you need if not you only have a life of misery for real .