Borderline Personality Disorder Community
I just recently accepted my BPD and I need help
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I just recently accepted my BPD and I need help

I am tired of abusing my parents. I view myself as pathetic. I am 21 years old yet our relationship is like I am a controlling temperamental five year old.
I just recently looked up the symptoms for BPD. I was diagnosed YEARS ago, but never thought it was important as the other mental illnesses I have so i avoided learning about it. I was amazed when i found all the symptoms match me perfectly. So maybe there is something to this diagnosis. I hate diagnosis' but this matches my personality too creepily.
It still confuses me though.

There is no way to change my morals and views on matters in life. Sure I can try and see the other person's view, but i cannot change my own.
It's getting worse. It was bad when i was younger, but it seemed to dissapear for awhile - until my parents decided to sell the farm, buy a new house, and even buy me my own house to rent from them ( i should be grateful) but ... it does nothing but bring problems in my mind.
i learned anger management skills. I no longer try and murder them, instead i emotionally abuse them - which i dont understand because i desperately love them. they are afraid of me, so they give me anything i want, afraid of the outcome of my disappointment.  

the only important moral i have in life, is Loyalty. I will stick by my family no matter what. The bad side of that is... i view every little thing they do as Betrayal.
I used to view myself as just having bad abandonment issues.
I can't change it, so what do i do? There is no way i can change that moral. It will always be with me, its engrained into my brain.  

Also... i have a symptom that does not seem to match borderline personality disorder at all.
I have a general hatred for people. A general lack of morals. Like I have no sense of what is right and wrong. I find murderers innocent. i am friends with many (a very weird thing to admit on here i know) but i dont see anything wrong with it, its just a major example to why i am worried about these things in myself.
On the other side i do have my own morals, they just dont match society. There are reasons that i am okay with hatred and killing i suppose.
But what it comes down to... is my relationships are iffy. I either hate or love the person. If i dont know the person, i will be okay with sadistically hurting them, and have even been locked up for murder attempts.
when i do like someone, i have gang mentality, extreme loyalty, i would do anything for them. but it takes the smallest thing for me to develop grudges for eternity.  
I am almost certain these general desire for murder and using, abusing people do NOT match borderline, and if they do i give everyone else a bad name.

I am very sorry if I offend anyone on here, but i need help trying to sort out all of these things before i can learn how to get rid of them.

the thing that weirds me out is that although i have a hatred for strangers, when there is an emergency i jump into "saving mode". It is a natural response in me that i step up to lead and help people when they are in need of physical or mental help. i was also told i am supposed to be a healer once i heal myself. very strange. if my life journey is to become a healer, then why do i hate people so much?
i know at times i care too much, and maybe that is what has stopped me from caring. i dont know.

I despise communicating. But i come off as charismatic. I usually have to act.
My social phobia is intense. On one side i am fearful of people. On the other side i transform into a strange overly confident, egotistical, obscene person who talks too much.
Sometimes i become a different person all together, like mild split personality. Back in the day my sense of identity was so bad i truly thought i was Mistic Lee Jones, werewolf hunter, horrible hallucinations and delusions.
Recently i keep becoming Dean Winchester from Supernatural. I watch any type of show or play any video game for too long... i actually adopt those characters personalities and forget reality. I start talking in different accents too. But my life sux right now, so the urge to become someone else is very strong... i hate reality. its so easy to escape for me.

I know BPD does NOT sum up ALL of my mental illnesses (i have a wide list) but the personality disorders... i am sure i have symptoms of most of them. BPD i have all of them. I don't know what to do. My therapist makes it sound so easy with his stupid charts.
But it's not. When it comes down to it... i can't deal with my mind. I don't know how to change it.

I KNOW i am a burden to my family. I also know thats a symptom of BPD. But I KNOW most people would have abandoned me by now. And I KNOW they adopted me and im not from their bloodline. I know they love me, because if not they would have given up a long time ago.
They can tell me they love me, but they also always tell me they hate the mental illness in me. Well WAKE UP CALL that mental illness IS ME. I know it's horrible to say, but people have to realise i will always have mental illness. That's why i save other people from me. I don't have any other relationships other than my family.
Sometimes, the things i talk about depress them. They don't always want to be with me, they get exhausted of always being brought down by my depression, by all the things i cant do. I'm like a retard. they cant always be there teaching me basic life skills.
it makes me sad. i was doing so good, and they get so HAPPY when they dont have to be around me. they are happy when i am independent, and my mom always avoids the times when i relapse. she has betrayed me multiple times for stupid reasons like "hanging out with her friends" when i was struggling. i dont care if they avoid me during times when i am not struggling, but the times when i am is the times i need someone there i trust to help me from losing touch of reality.

i try to get through it myself to not burden them, but i dont know how to cope on my own. there is no such thing as a worker who can come anytime of the day or night during crisis times. and it just so happens my crisis times are alot more frequent in the present. i dont know what im going to do. i need more help than what i am recieving. i know i cant rely on my parents for therapy... it just ruins our relationship even more.

im sorry this is so long... i guess i just needed to let it all out. i have no idea what step to take next or anything.









  
Tags: BPD, family, help
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My biggest concern are your delusions and lack of social skills (including your moral stances and homicidal tendencies).  I think your next step is to be re-evaluated by a psychiatrist.  When you were diagnosed with bipolar, did you tell them about the delusions, the homicidal feelings, and your tendency to think you are other people?  It's obvious that you don't want to feel like this or treat others the way that you are treating them.  So, the best thing you can do is seek proper treatment.  You may have a lot of bipolar symptoms, but your psychotic symptoms seem a bit too prevalent for "plain, old" bipolar.  There is a lot of overlap with mental illnesses, especially when mood and psychotic symptoms coexist.  That can lead to a long road of diagnoses.  But the sooner you start down that road, the sooner everything can get better for you and the ones you care about.
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Did I just read the same post?
I understood that we were talking about BPD, borderline personality disorder -not bipolar.

The temperamental five year old stuff represents the child self in you.
In a child-like state we tend to react vs respond and need vs want.  It is not a calm state.
Everyone has a child-like self which can be triggered by various events, etc.  In BPD, borderline personality disorder, we are more sensitive and the reaction is more extreme.  

I found educating myself about bpd helpful.  I was far from accepting of the diagnosis.
It still confuses me too.

I think that you are defending your views, values and beliefs.  They can be changed.

That is perhaps why you, and I, have been diagnosed with bpd and that is that these traits are long-standing.  Personality by its very nature is difficult to change.  It is likely to take years vs months.  And it has to be worked at.

I expect the stress was what has triggered this relapse or regression.
The changes could have made you feel more vulnerable.  I expect on some level it may also represent losses for you.

I live at home with my parents on their farm.  They are planning on selling and moving.  Mum has also suggested buying me a house.
For me on some level I feel stressed because this place will never be fixed, it will always be broken.  I guess I need something to be whole (good).  

What does shifting mean to you emotionally?
Could this represent things from your past where you have been discarded (?by your biological parents)?  ??

So your parents can't tolerate your mood?  How can you then be expected to manage it without it being modeled to you.  I think more than anything you want them to stand up to you but I also worry if you could hold your own disappointment.  I expect you wouldn't be able to do this and so on some level your parents are right.  It is less complicated to give in than to potentially be hurt.  Hurt either physically by you or emotionally by seeing your hurt and frustration and rejection.

It is good that you learned anger management skills.  That can't have been easy.
I also developed a problem with my anger and it took a bit to work through.  I almost sense that you have just buried your anger though.  A part of you is still angry.  I guess parts of me are still angry at times too.  I still have stuff to work through.

Loyalty is a good value to have.  To me your loyalty to your family is less a problem than your loyalty to your murdering friends.  That I believe is misguided loyalty.
I think the loyalty to your family could be out of bond.  I feel very protective of my family too yet hate and despise them at times.  I have at times had strong urges to kill/ harm my mother yet I also love her.  This isn't about my mother though but about want she represents to me.  

A perceived betrayal can be about a perceived rejection and abandonment.
I think more often than not though this is about us being paranoid.

It almost sounds as though your loyalty to your family is out of gratitude.  Although you did say you were stable for a period so maybe you became attached to them.

You don't sound anti-social although off-hand I can't remember the diagnostic criteria.  Maybe what I am trying to say is that you're not a sociopath.

I think it may be due to a lack of identity more than anything else.  What you write is conflicting.  You do have morals which you can't change yet you don't have morals.  You love your family but you hate your family and people.
I think what is happening is that you can see both good and bad.  You can see one while in that state but not the other.  It remains split off.  This is the essence of bpd.
This is covered by the diagnostic criteria about idealizing and devaluing.

Over the course of my unwellness I have learned that what people do is understandable if you take their life into context.

I think you just feel hurt by society.  I use to really value the police and the justice system until I was admitted to hospital and went to court.  I have very little respect for either now.  Maybe that is a wrong interpretation.  If I were perhaps a little more unwell or less in control and had different values I probably would have killed long before now.  Perhaps I am at the other extreme to you.  ??  It's probably just a continuum that we can shift along.

They do match bpd.  It's just a reflection of the illness and its severity.  It's also a reflection of you and your life experiences.  Not every person with bpd will think about and/ or want to harm others.

Just for the record I don't condone what you have done but I know that it will be understandable given your history.

It's a sad reality of the disorder.  I strongly believe that you need to be in intensive psychotherapy though.  Like me and others.

A lot of us are like that, good in emergencies, good at helping others but not so good at helping ourselves.
I think it has to do with the lack of sense of self.

Hatred often arises because people feel strongly.  Probably you care so much and it hurts so much you blank it out and push it aside (leaving room for the bad).  The negative is probably far less painful to face and also you don't have to take responsibility for it -not really.  There are consequences but not really responsibility.

I don't think you hate people.  I think you feel let down by them.

Being through so much yourself will give you a greater understanding of others and allow you to empathize on a deeper level.  Once you are able to work through your own issues, and they can be worked through, you will come to realize that throughout all this you have developed a great gift.  Use it wisely.

I think that's the problem.  Life is so overwhelming that you're dissociating.
I would say you have been so traumatized that you have developed a multiple or split personality.  It's a defense mechanism when we are so stressed and so challenged.
Maybe this is why it is easy for you to hurt and to harm others.

bpd can account for anxiety, depression, eating disorders, psychotic disorders.  The list is endless.

You don't have to know.  Trust your T and let him guide you.  If his charts don't make sense to you, tell him.

The illness is only you if you allow it to be.  You can manage it and work on it and make that illness a small part of you.  Maybe in time not a part at all.
I was once shown a diagram.  You could probably draw it too if you wanted.  Draw one big circle.  Label that ME.  Now draw a smaller circle inside of that.  That can be labelled illness.  You are not your illness and your illness is not you.

You save people from you because you feel scared that you will destroy the good.  You are not all bad.

Your mother was either trying to protect herself and her own ego or protect you.
Talk to your parents about this.  Tell them that you need their support.  Ask them for it.

There is such a thing as a hospital though and you should have access to good care 24/7. If you need help call them.  They will be better able to deal with the situation than your friends or family.

The reason why episodes are becoming more frequent is because you are uncontained.  I also wondered if that was one reason why you hung with your friends.  I expect a gang would be quite containing.  Same as other occupations such as the police and army.  They have very strict rules and boundaries.

My post is like a novel too.  I should re-read it to make sure it makes sense but I'm not.

I think what you do is you talk to your therapist and you tell him that things are getting worse and that you need more support.  If he doesn't help or do anything then you could try the hospital.  As a last resort you may like to ask a doctor for some medication to help with anxiety, etc.
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My mistake, sorry.... I swore I read something that said bipolar.  What a wrong time for my dyslexia to kick in.
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I was second guessing myself to see if I had misread or misinterpreted.
A lot of people come to the borderline personality disorder community seemingly thinking that bipolar and borderline personality are the same disorder.  Some misinformation seems to exist regarding this.

I think that your concerns were valid and applicable to either disorder.
Skills deficits and homicidal tendencies are clinically significant symptoms.

Probably a reassessment or second opinion wouldn't have gone astray either.  It doesn't really sound like there is a lot of structure to the treatment program.  And a person shouldn't necessarily get worse when in therapy.  That's a big red flag that something isn't right.

I think the dissociation, or whatever it is, is due to extreme anxiety (whether that is conscious or subconscious).

Accepting the diagnosis is a big first step.  Sometimes things have to unfold at a more sedate pace due to the big threat to the ego.

You're correct in saying that the sooner you start on the path or road to recovery the sooner you can experience wellness.  That has been the case for me anyway.
Sometimes I expect we have to do things in our own time and way or else they have no meaning.

Don't beat yourself up over a simple mistake that anyone could have made.  You gave good advice regardless.
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I tried to respond to everything, but it would have been thousands of pages, so I have had to cut out a lot of things :). Firstly, thanks for responding.

I’ve been told of the extremities of emotions, and the black and white of it all, it is a neat way to look at it in the child self theory.

I am not sure why I stated I find it difficult to change my personality, because I in a way contradicted myself.

Well you are right. Nothing is impossible. I guess I am just having a hard time knowing how to even start changing my views.

Changing a personality does not seem healthy to me considering my tendencies. It has taken years for me to figure out who I truly am, thus it is going to very hard understanding that the mental illness going away is not going to take away from that.
I have this weird perception that once i am healthy i will be like one of those happy brainwashed folks with constant grins on their faces, and that just creeps me out.

The pain... makes me humble. The misery, makes me see. The bad things, make me stronger, thus i don't necessarily want to lose my wise, deep, inflicted self entirely. I don't think that is possible anyway. I can be healthy, and still be interested in... disturbing things I hope.


I know my adoption has had a horrible influence on my life. Mainly, I am a different race, with different beliefs. My parents raised me as Christian and pronounced me insane on many of the things that I know are real. It harmed my life when they sent me away to mental institutions because I saw ghosts. my parents even had me exorcised. Now I know I did have hallucinations, but some of the things I experienced were real. I don’t care if anyone thinks im insane, but I do believe in the spiritual, and I am 100 % devoted to my native culture and its belief system.

The only reason I want to find my biological parents are to find proof of my ancestry and learn about genetic medical history. I am afraid that since I am not my parents real daughter, they can just disown me anytime they wish (also my sister is their blood) so I usually feel like I don’t belong.

Yeah, anger management was the biggest stepping stone in my life. I had serious issues. Well, I hold grudges for eternity. But that is not exactly anger; I can say I have truly recovered in the sense of what i see anger as.  
My anger was extreme and in need of definite control. The man who taught me figured out a lot of things. During the times I became murderous, he would lay down low on the ground.
This tactic surprisingly worked. He was in a vulnerable position and I found it pointless to attack when he was already down.
He treated me like a bull. He made no movement, or when he smoked his cigarette he made very slow movements.
He face was calm with no expression. He knew that I mistook facial expressions during those times for hostility. But when his face was calm, I had nothing to build my present anger onto.
He never said a word until I was finished. He knew communicating to me during those times was a death wish. Sometimes it took hours of me attacking the ground until I bled.
But he knew restraining me only made it worse. Walking away from me only made it worse. The ignoring an angry person tactic NEVER worked on me.
When I was exhausted we had a routine. I would make a small noise and that would allow him to start talking to me, and then he would hold out a ciggerette and we would try and remember what I was angry about in the first place.
That is what initially helped me, and from there, this may sound weird, but debating in philosophic conversations has helped me A LOT.  I have learned to communicate amazingly in arguments because of such. I learned to respect each side of the spectrum, learned to listen, and now putting it into practice during fights which works wonderfully.

I am going to a treatment center at the end of summer, my decision, and am really looking forward to it.
The problem with my community is there is no help at all. This treatment center is for addictions, but they deal with a whole range of mental things as well.
When I got through the age gap in the mental health system I was disowned by my youth team and let’s just say, there are so many things wrong with the adult mental health system. It is seriously lacking.
99% of the homeless population in my community are people with mental illness who are not receiving the help from the mental health system here.

There is a criminally insane psychologist I really connected to, but I cannot afford to see him. I am on disability welfare, but it will not cover it. I am also in an assisted living program, so I get support workers a few hours of every day during the week for reacreational type things and basic life skills.
Everyone thinks that is enough but it isn’t. I don’t mean to sound greedy to them, but I need more support than that.
Adult Mental Health will NOT help me or allow me to find a therapist; they say there are no more here. They will only let me see the psychologist once a year.
They have no trained professionals in that building. Only two psychologists. The people who are assigned to you are just random people called case workers with no training whatsoever.
And I cannot see a dietician to help with my eating disorders. To see a dietician it requires you see a psychologist every week.
I still have my youth therapist, but it’s not enough.
The addictions society are limited and only knowledgable about drug and alchohal, thus they cannot help with my other addictions.
Basically, I am screwed. There are no adult hospitals around here that take in mental cases. There is the main hospital, and they have a horrible ward. Very bad experiences in there, and they are not at all helpful, and actually abusive.

They even refused to help me with funding or even looking up the treatment center I found. I am just pissed off at the lack of help in my society. I am even more pissed off because of the homeless percentage being mostly sufferers of mental illness.
I really hope this treatment center helps me. It sounds really amazing. It is aboriginal based.

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what you said about that diagram...
My mom drew one just like that for me and it made me cry. It was the first time i ever heard her say that. I told her i felt nothing but a burden to her and could not believe she could love me. But she drew that exact diagram and told me, i am not ALL my illness. She also included a bunch of other circles of the good things she saw in me.

But I still don't know. I find it insufferable to deal with myself during my relapses. So i know people hate me during those times, and even when i am not in a full blown relapse i am always depressed, but mostly interested in sordid things,  so i am like one of those miserable people who never talk about anything happy, i have no sense of humour, because the only thing that interests me are profound prophecies like Mayan Calendar (which scares everyone) and other weird deep subjects that no one finds comfortable, and i only succeed in disturbing people, or bringing them down.
Most of the time I try to act happy, but it exhausts me. I just wish i could find people who are the same as me, who are interested in discussing meaningful things for once, instead of ignorant crap like the weather and stupid jokes. That is who i am though, i am not at all interested in ignorant things, i don't judge people for it, i just don't always enjoy being around it. and this really bothers my mom. she is the most happy, humour based person. our personalities don't mix. it doesn't bother me that she is like that, i respect her, and her over sociable personality, but it really does bother her the way i am.

  
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It's all good. Your response coincides with everything anyway.
I had that exact suspicion. I know that my lack of moral and homicidal tendencies don't smugly fit with anything i was ever diagnosed. I am starting to think it's just a part of who I am. I tend to be very complex.
I went to an anger management counsellor and realized those views have nothing to do with anger at all. There is a vast difference.
The thing is, i have been diagnosed with everything you can think of except adhd (not standing illnesses) but mistakes, and basically because they cannot make their minds up.
I was diagnosed with other personality disorders even, but they still cannot make sense of it.
The diagnose never meant much to me anyway. I know it's important to know in order to overcome, but all i see it as, is a demeaning category where professionals say "all people with this disorder are the SAME" which is not true at all.
All they do is fling immoral behaviours into categories. Sometimes people have to realize that odd behaviours are sometimes natural human behaviour.
I mean come on... paraphilia? They even categorize odd sexual fetishes as "mental".
For example I have been insulted as a sociopath, psychopath and that is NOT even the correct name for the illness. Those illnesses are sooo stretched from what they truly are because of lack of awareness and things like movies and since it is the name serial killers are provided with, it gives everyone else a bad, bad name.
The fact is someone got it in their head that a serial killer feels no feeling at all. That is humanly impossible. They say a killer has no morals at all. But they do have morals. They have a lot of morals, just not the same as most people. Some also have loved ones, friends. Besides you can have Anti Social Personality Disorder and not be a deranged murderer.
I do not really agree with most diagnosis'. I find them demeaning to people. I have also been through ALOT of hatred and judging.
This one time i was taken to the hospital and the doctor freaked out, told me to leave once he read my charts and saw that i had "a personality disorder". People are wrongly terrified of it, with horrible views and it makes me sad. My uncle who has schizophrenia is the kindest gentlest guy in the world, yet they locked him up during an episode because  they were afraid of him attacking them. that kind of ******** infuriates me.  

Oh. I sort of got off track.
Anyway, reavulating, is all they ever do. The last time was with the criminally insane department when i got on probation (nothing serious just a drinking charge.) I told my probation officer things and scared her so they reffered me (breaking the law was the best thing to happen in my life) they found me housing, assisted living and got me on disability welfare. But yes, i told him all those things. I am not exactly the type to be secretive. The law helps those who want the help. I used to hate it, but that was the one time they did help me.
Um. When you tell most professionals in this community stuff like this, they become awkward and uncomfortable, and once they look at your charts they just say "well i don't want to add onto that list so let's just say you are Complex and instead of a diagnosis let's focus on the problem" i actually prefer that.
But, there is not much help here. i wish i could go back to see that guy, but it costs a fortune that i do not have.

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On the contrary, changing does seem like the healthier option.  Being angry and wanting to hurt people isn't healthy.  (Sorry for choosing that point.  I used it because it was one of the most extreme behaviors you spoke about).  Being as distressed as you obviously are, with things getting worse, also isn't healthy or to be honest very enjoyable.

Mental illness can make you stronger.  I use to perceive it as a weakness but it can also be a strength.  Mental illness can be extremely humbling.

I doubt that you will be zombie-like during or even after treatment.  My feeling is that you have way too much energy for that.  Recovery won't make you less than you are.

bpd does often make you feel as though you are contradicting yourself, etc.  It can be very frustrating and confusing.

Maybe that is your calling.  I have a sense that you know what you want.  I'm not sure what that is.  Maybe forensics?  Using your knowledge and experience to help people who have had similar or troubled pasts.  ??  Counselling??

I use to have an interest in suicide because that was something that has affected me.  I have found recently though that I am just more interested in general stuff.  I'm not as obsessed as I once was but I am still interested in helping those in emotional pain.  Maybe even physical pain.  I'm not sure if nursing is right for me though.

It is through adversity that we learn.  That unfortunately is how I've had to learn.

That seems pretty rejecting that your parents would do that to you.  And perhaps even more so when they don't listen to you or trust you or accept you and instead judge you and try to fix you.

That must be hard feeling as though you don't belong.  It is hard enough as an aspect of bpd.  Maybe that too is a part of bpd for you.  Maybe not??
I have never felt as though I have belonged even living with my biological parents.

I doubt your parents would do that.  It's possible that they could but I think that that would be highly unlikely.
I would advise looking for your biological parents only with support.  I feel that you are too raw now to be confronted with more intense emotions (be they positive or negative).

I think a grudge is anger.  I hold them too.  Maybe now for me it isn't even a grudge but a reminder of my past.  A memory I perhaps would rather be without.
What emotion is it, if it isn't anger?

I don't know if ignoring an angry person ever works.
I think what made the difference was that he was able to tolerate your anger and you could see that it did not destroy him.  And perhaps if he could deal with your anger then so could you.

I like to debate things too.  I too have had to learn to see that others have different perspectives and to try and learn to respect those and not judge them.

My mental health service has let me down too.  They have actually made many of my issues worse.

I'm glad that you're going to a treatment centre.  This could quite possibly be a huge life changing experience for you.  I actually sense that you'll be all right.

Minimum you should probably be seeing a T weekly.  For me I didn't start to see progress until I was put into 3-weekly therapy sessions.  It sounds like a lot but when you are significantly damaged, less doesn't seem adequate.  My T left and I haven't really had any support over the past two years.  It is extremely stressful.
One T told me that one therapy session a week was a luxury.  I was kind of a bit dumbfounded as that is a bit like putting someone in solitary confinement and letting them out for 50 minutes once a week and saying that is a luxury.  Go figure!
The greedy stuff comes back to a need.  It's not greedy it's actually a necessity.
mhs's are so underfunded and under-resourced and over-demanded that it must be difficult for them too.
It's a shame you can't see the person that you connect with.

Are you currently living in Australia?
If that is the culture you talk of then a centre that caters for that should be helpful.

You have a lot of strengths.  Many come through in your posts.

I think talking on the net can allow for deeper and more meaningful conversations.

Doctors use labels to direct treatment although many abuse it and discriminate.

The doctor on the mental health expert forum (who is a great source of information and advice if you need it) has a philosophy about treating life symptoms.  The diagnosis is unimportant.

I too can become upset about the treatment we and others with mental illness can sometimes receive.  Probably others without diagnoses are more ignorant, uninsightful  and less well than us.

Some resources you may like to check out.
-skills training for bpd.  dbt.  dbtclass -it is a yahoo health group.
-there is a social list where you may be able to have more meaningful conversations.  It too is a yahoo health group.  It is bordertown_dbt.  Every time I have tried an address in the past it comes back with asterisks.  I trust that you can figure this out though.  There are also meditation lists that may appeal to you.  Not sure.

There is also an emotional eating expert forum.  The expert also has a website (shrinkyourself.com) if you're interested.  It may help you indirectly with your ed's.  It may help you unravel what is driving the eating behaviors and addictions.

I hope you find some of that useful.
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Oh wow I appreciate everything you post, thanks for the links as well.

Very true, the healthy outcome will be better than the outcome of the present. I think you are right, if anything recovery should not take away from who you are. I used to always quote this in my poetry "I am everything I ever was".

Is it not a symptom of BPD to fear change? That line in my poetry always helped me remember that no matter what happened i would still be myself. It was also a single line i told people who asked me my philosophy of what makes us who we are.
It should be a beautiful thing, the transformation we go through. But I was always so withheld in fear of any type of change, so much that i would plan suicide at every birthday because i was afraid a new age would change me.

To tell you the truth, i haven't really gotten over that initial phobia of aging, and the only reason I am alive is to see what is going to happen on 2012 (oddest reason, probably delusional I know) but at least it is giving me some hope that things might change for the good. (I don't beleive in the end of the world theory, i beleive peace and rebirth is going to happen that day and people can witness it). If nothing happens i will probably... struggle a lot with that phobia of aging.
But I do know logically, that on each birthday i do not change at all.

Your sense is right, i do know what i want, although i have detoured from that path significantly. And it is very much along the lines of helping people. Actually my life career goal is to heal people, and work with aboriginal youth. i want to be able to put everything i love into what i do, so i would use adventure tourism and own a camp, (this might sound weird) but i want to do spiritual work for free, to heal them, but mostly bring awareness to my cultures traditions to young people. I know a lot of elders who ask money to heal people, which is wrong in my view. They exploit the spirits. i have in the past healed people, which is very risky. you cant heal someone if you are not healed yourself.

but sometimes there are reasons why people suffer. it makes them strong for a reason, so they can help the weak. i never much liked doctors who didn't know what the crap they were talking about, i could always relate better to someone who experienced it.

you seem similar in the sense of the want to help people.

But yeah, i am not fond of societies dealings with medicine and therapy, thus i am going to use the native american way.

Yeah me too, my interests used to be a lot darker, like obsessions with suicide, vampires or stuff alike, now it's just philosophies, but they tend to bother people just the same.

Well you see the thing about my BPD is I actually have those "few" real reasons to feel betrayed. But that was in the past. My parent's were obviously worried about me, and it was their religion, right? So i can't blame them entirely, but yes, it did ruin my life quite a bit. The adoption bit... well it brings many things into question.
I suffered through a horrible phase of racism towards myself. A deep hatred of my identity caused by not knowing what i was for sure. The thing is I know I am mixed race. I have factual proof i am native american and proof i am white, but no legal papers to let me know that for sure (if that makes sense). I got over that horrible racism. I studied up on my families german heritage and learned quite alot of things that made me respect them.  I accept that even if it turns out that i am not at all native, which is highly unlikely, i still belong there with my mind, and spirit. Yeah i will need a lot of support finding my biological  parents.

Haha im not sure, i guess a grudge is anger. i guess i was so used to extreme anger that i forgot there were different levels, but i do know a grudge is usually more determined than reckless anger. There are so many different kinds of anger... kind of confuses me.

Where do you live? What is the system like where you are? I really wish there was something i could do....to change the mental health system. It infuriates me more so that other people are victimized by it. There needs to be a lot of work done on it, but then again, im sure its gotten better than it used to be years ago.

For two years you have no support? Stressful I bet, you sound like you have more experience than i but i still worry.
A luxury, what a way to put it haha. I'm pretty sure i've heard the same thing from one professional.
Yes it ***** that most good therapists cost money. Why do we have to pay to be sane?  
Makes as much sense as why we have to pay to die. This society is just weird the way things work.

Oh you think Australia because I mentioned aboriginal?
No I live in Canada, but the aboriginals of australia are the exact same race as Native Americans. And in Canada are called First Nations, "indians" or "aboriginal" or "native". Because there are different names everywhere it really confuses people. probably alot more names i haven't listed. Metis' is the name for a white person mixed with native blood where i am.
It confuses people because they are used to "natives of a certain country". And the race of aboriginal people are situated all around the world, so it makes it even more confusing.
It's even more confusing when you realize there are over millions of tribes within one country. The tribe where i am at is called K'omoks or Coast Salish. I sort of was "adopted" into Cree custom. But cree is the buffalo nation and they are situated in the plains. Cree tribes have a surviving language which is so old it is in the form of ancient hieroglyphics. You can speak it, but probably can't write it unless you write it in the form of what it sounds like. Maheganus = means little wolf.

I don't know why i am sprawling off about this. I am way past the time of sleep (i also have a nasty infection on my dermal piercing on my face and i think its making me disorientated with fever). Sorry for my ramblings. I got way off track talking about native people haha.

Again, thank you for the huge list of resources.  
I should probably be off to bed for the time being.








    
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And you are everything you ever were.  Our past is also what helps define us.

I think many people with bpd, and probably people in general, are resistant to change.
I think with bpd change is often viewed as threatening.  It makes us feel vulnerable.
I saw this quote on this paper on bpd.  It said, Help us to change (but don't make us do anything different).  I can relate to that.

I would feel depressed by birthdays that yet another year had gone by and I still hadn't achieved.

I was listening to a mindfulness meditation cd by Jon Kabat-Zinn.  He said things like a chrysalis and rose bud shouldn't be forced.  That can be more damaging than waiting and letting things unfold naturally.  In dbt for bpd it is referred to as willfulness.

My philosophy is that everything happens for a reason.

If nothing else we get older.  There are life phases that we go through and also life transitions and I think the difficulty is more related to those.
I think growing up and needing to take responsibility is scary.  Becoming independent and our own person is scary.  Probably more so when we lack a sense of self.

I agree.  A person should ideally be healthy and well themselves.
Have you thought about how you can support yourself with free healing?  Financially, I mean.  It sounds like a reasonable idea (although I am ignorant about the type of healing you are referring too.  Hopefully it is not harmful.).  It almost sounds as though you need to thrash out a good business plan but one that doesn't take away from what you intend to do.
The healing wouldn't be like your exorcism, would it?  Like how your parents forced their values and beliefs onto you.

So adventure tourism would bring in the cash?  The camp sounds a little like a retreat.
Adventure activities are good for skills building.  Usually in a structured setting though.

Your parents should never have done that.  I'm not sure sending you away helped you much either.  Maybe you needed the stability of a family and not the rejection of being sent away.  Maybe they did it to protect their other child??
We can't change the past anyway.  We can't undo things that we've done either.

I guess ultimately it is about what you feel in your heart.

Reckless anger almost sounds like impulsive behavior.

I live in New Zealand.
Why do we even have issues in the first place?  Surely there should have been interventions long before we became this dysfunctional and out of control.

I thought Australia because it is closer to near where I live.  I have just been brought up with Aborigines being from Oz.  I didn't see the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics but I think they had something about the different ethnicities.

You're welcome.  It sounds like you're enormously passionate about your ancestry and indigenous people.  You're talking about it because it is important to you.
I'm not sure if you're interested, or your benefit would allow, but have you thought about studying in that area.

You should watch the infection and have it treated if necessary.

Take care.
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I have learned much from your posts and am thankful.  I was married to someone with BPD and addictions (well like you he has been diagnosed with just about everything)

He had different religious beliefs and sometimes used them to shock people away from him before they hurt him, this is not a guess it is something we discussed at length.
Just a thought. Just as your beliefs differ from Christian beliefs and were a cause of pain or ______ (I can't think of the correct word) if you "warm" people up to things they are more ready to accept that they may be true to you.

I do not know your beliefs but I want to share a few things we had deep discussions over the years ( A reason to have hope that people do exist that want deep discussions)

He sees "shadow" people who he believes to be spirits, he also read at length the beliefs of the person who created Waldorf teaching and beliefs (the person was German, I can't remember it)
This person believed that children slowly come into the world over years and as they cross from spirit to person the spirit world is left behind BUT if you have a trauma early something "breaks", my words not his, and that world is left open unless you can and want to close it up by working to do so.
My husband was abused as a child and believed this "broke" him, he also had a gray area where he was crossing into paranoia and not real or true thoughts and visions, if he let someone know and often he would not we could do things to help him.

Lastly I know there are so many 12 step programs that deal with addictions and they are all free. Can you find one and find someone to work with to explore yourself?
I am in one for families and friends of addicts, they all have a higher power many people come in and have no beliefs, many have different as long as you believe in something bigger then yourself is what matters. My husband did better in NA then in most therapies.
I have depression/anxiety and PTSD and developed many coping skills that are not ok for me so I have to change them and it is scary, we all are afraid. My belief is our path is written and our future is the unfolding, we can change our beliefs, our behavior, but really we are always the same genetic make- up so I am no professional but I don't think you could ever be turned into a person fake unto you.

I hope this post was not intrusive but I felt I needed to share and post.
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It's a public forum.  Everyone is welcome to share their thoughts and feelings.

Thanks for sharing your story and your post.
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hi i have BPD and have since i was a child. im 18.. and im here to say the hatred thing.. i have that too.. see BPPPD has an accompanment of other disorders. sounds liek you have what i do.. an axis in narcassim..and id be glad to discuss how im doing and my treamts and past with you if you want.. your not in this alone!
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