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I think I have BPD--I have a 3 year old!!!!
by Liongirl29, Oct 07, 2009 02:37AM
I am a 29 year old female with history of crazy, destructive relationships, self-abuse, attachment and trust issues. I had an unofficial diagnosis of Bipolar II Disorder (case of leading the doc, I believe) but I never could explain things right to the doctor, and my mention of mood swings was enough for them to believe this was the case. I grew up mainly in foster homes, and my mom was very abusive.
None of the treatments so far have helped me (low level of Neurontin, Alprazolam, Lamictal, Seroquel.) I have a three year old and I am afraid that history is going to repeat itself. I am constantly irritable, and show innappropriate anger in front of her (throwing things and yelling). I also am emotionally distant at times. I try so hard to control my emotions and am wracked with guilt when I cannot. My daughter gets clingy with me now when I am upset and I think she doesn't know how I will react to things; sometimes I am fine, sometimes I get angry. I have never hit her, or called her names, but I know my reactions are not right. I am almost 100% positive that I have BPD, and that my mother has BPD. I love my daughter so much and I want to be a good mother to her. The thought that I have already caused emotional damage kills me.
How do I get the care that I need for this? I live in a rural area where the availablity of therapists, specialist and psychiatrists is very limited. Is there a test for this disorder? I don't want to seem like I am self-diagnosing, but I know that I'm not Bi-Polar. I have been searching for an answer for years as to what may be the root of my problems and I think I've stumbled upon it. I feel that there is no time to waste because I don't want to inflict any more emotional damage on my daughter. What is the next step for me in order to ensure that I get the care that I need?
None of the treatments so far have helped me (low level of Neurontin, Alprazolam, Lamictal, Seroquel.) I have a three year old and I am afraid that history is going to repeat itself. I am constantly irritable, and show innappropriate anger in front of her (throwing things and yelling). I also am emotionally distant at times. I try so hard to control my emotions and am wracked with guilt when I cannot. My daughter gets clingy with me now when I am upset and I think she doesn't know how I will react to things; sometimes I am fine, sometimes I get angry. I have never hit her, or called her names, but I know my reactions are not right. I am almost 100% positive that I have BPD, and that my mother has BPD. I love my daughter so much and I want to be a good mother to her. The thought that I have already caused emotional damage kills me.
How do I get the care that I need for this? I live in a rural area where the availablity of therapists, specialist and psychiatrists is very limited. Is there a test for this disorder? I don't want to seem like I am self-diagnosing, but I know that I'm not Bi-Polar. I have been searching for an answer for years as to what may be the root of my problems and I think I've stumbled upon it. I feel that there is no time to waste because I don't want to inflict any more emotional damage on my daughter. What is the next step for me in order to ensure that I get the care that I need?
Member Comments (1)
by ILADVOCATE, Oct 07, 2009 09:48AM
To: Liongirl29
Talk therapy and DBT therapy are helpful on BPD in addition to medication. There are parenting classes as well. All of this would be helpful.
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