I'M ****** CAN ANYONE HELP ME?

hello everyone!
I'm a female 26 .I grew up in south america with my father ,before i was born my mother had my brother from another man .
my brother is 5 years older than me .
my mother left me with my father after she received many times physical abuse from him and took off with my brother to the united states.
when i was 7 years old i started receiving physical abuse from my father for not doing homework ,eating all my food, or not getting along with other children.
my father was never home he was usually always at work and when ever i would see him he would beat me and mentally abuse me. as the years went by the physical abuse escalated to a great gravity. my mother used to visit me every other year for 2 to 3 weeks in south america .
i used to beg her to take me with her but she always replied she couldn't . she started visiting me when i was 5 she got married to a man that was more than wealthy in the united states when i was about 6 years old . they have been married now for 21 years. when i was 14 my father lost everything and the abuse got dangerous to the point i thought he was going to kill me.i thought that life with my mother would be full of love and that she would make up for all the time i had spent abused and lonely 14 years.
i thought that with her i would have a family and that if i moved in with her that i would be her all and that she would take away the pain in the memory of the life i had lived in. she figured out a way to bring me on a vacation visit through lawyers and i decided to stay . she told me that i couldn't stay with her and that the government would come after us and arrest her and take me back ,i told her that if she tried putting me on that plane that i was going to go crazy and tell the workers in the plane that I'm having a heart attack and that they would not be able to take of with the flight .
i would cry and scream and beg every year every week every month for help.i went through great loneliness and sorrow . my mother had all the money in the world and her houses have always been beautiful until this day!
when i moved in with her she was never home and always gone ,how ever when i came on vacation she would take me to disneyland etc how ever i only came to visit for a month.
now I'm 26 years old she still neglects me . the only great thing she did is motivate me to take singing lessons and pay for them she told me i should become a singer.
(my father also was a singer) . when i was 18 her and my stepfather got sick of me not working and making it as a singer so they threw me out of the house.i've been bouncing back and forward since then . I barely ever see my mother and when she is around she doesn't acknowledge my feeling or needs .I'm older now but I'm much to confused sad and angry to get on with my life. she always tells me that i look just like my grandmother and my father with a negative vibe and when i was younger 15 ,16 i remember her telling me my father was ugly and that he looked like my grandmother. so = now I'm ugly .i tried doing modeling but that got me in some trouble since im not to tall and the photographers where quite rude and some abusive .i made some money but my mother didn't support me at all with the idea of modeling. i just wanted to be happy i just wanted her approval i just wanted to be beautiful and loved.
where did i go wrong.
my mother threw me out of the house again when i was 20 for no reason she was just sick of me i tried getting in the house in a peaceful manner just to get my things but my brother knock me out and i blacked out i don't know for how long .
i now suffer from depression and anxiety .I'm unable to hold a job since i have a hard time getting along with other people .i feel different and strange among other people and is hard for me to get higher by just anyone .I'm very sensitive and any little bad vibe can cause me to loose my job and make me quit .
i don''t feel love in the world towards me . i feel bad and i want to die .
I'm 26 years old and i can't blame anyone but my self all do i have to look back to see why i might be such a looser and what might be the reasons to my failures today .
can anyone help me?
do i have mental problems was i born with them where they caused?
my stepfather always advised my mother that I'm just lazy and to ignore my bull **** throw me out the house etc . when ever i tried talking to my brother he tells me that he wont talk bad about mom. that I'm a adult that i should get over it .(my mother never left my brother in another country far away alone and he never got physically or mentally abused by anyone . my mothers family thinks i bring great distress and they feel sorry for her no one ever cares for me. they just think i'm a a big problem. i just signed up for college i want to make it but i carry great sadness inside a frown face : (
.i don't feel sorry for me its just my body is in pain it feels tired.
my older brother is married and has his own family my mother is always there and still wont  want to spend time with me.
she says i made wrong choices and i have made wrong choices is true but I'VE SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE ALONE NEGLECTED BY MY MOTHER AND ABUSED BY MY FATHER . I CAN'T COME TO THINK WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE MY MOTHERS FAMILY IS!! THEY DONT EVEN HAVE A HEART. WHAT IF THEY WHERE ME ..NO THEY CANT EVEN COME TO WALK IN MY SHOES.
i have a question .... how can people in this world my own family want a better world a better family when they support and love  people like my parents that caused so much harm to someone as my self ? i carry my family's same blood but they wouldn't care if i was starving or sad or missed treated no they ignored it . no wonder everyones life is gotten worse with the years . i think my family is ****** up and very unsivilized . no one protected me as a child and no one cares about me as an adult i hate everyone

[crgadow]

WOW. My heart breaks for you and the little girl still inside you that still needs to be nurtured and loved and taken care of.  It's so unfair that anyone can have a child.  I'm only commenting because you wrote 'I have no one to blame but myself' - which, according to your story, seems to contradict everything you wrote.  There seems to be many, many reasons for your pain and many people responsible for that pain.  Have you considered seeing a therapist, counselor or doctor?  You may find they have a lot to offer someone in agony.  I'll have you in my prayers tonight and I hope you find some way to break free of the past and live your life to the fullest.  P.S. EVERYONE makes mistakes - GIANT mistakes and everyday small mistakes.  They help us learn.  Good luck & all the best to you, Nicolita.  My heart goes out  to you.

[nicolita000]

THANK YOU!!YOU ARE VERY KIND AND YES I CONTRADICTED ME SELF BECAUSE I'M VERY LOST AND CONFUSED ALSO I ACKNOWLEDGE IM NOW THE ADULT AND NOT THE CHILD

[nicolita000]

THANK YOU!!YOU ARE VERY KIND AND YES I CONTRADICTED ME SELF BECAUSE I'M VERY LOST AND CONFUSED ALSO I ACKNOWLEDGE IM NOW THE ADULT AND NOT THE CHILD

[Jaquta]

Every adult has a child within them.

I think your problems are due to your environment.

Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist and psychotherapist?

I think it is likely you developed a mental illness due to your past.  Your stepfather was wrong.  It is not laziness, etc but a real medical condition.

I think you are probably also depressed.

[nicolita000]

today i saw a very good therapist for the first time in my adult hood
I'm very exited

[Jaquta]

Good on you.  This could be the first step to the rest of your life.

I hope that you persevere with therapy and that it goes well for you.

If you ever need to chat don't forget that there is a forum here.  There are usually people here who are willing to listen and offer advice if needed.

Good luck.  Best wishes and take care.