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Im a single, dating mom with bpd, am i doomed?
Hey everyone,
I'm a single mom now for two years. I have a 5 and almost 3 Year old. I was diagnosed with bpd a few months after my first child. By that time I was in an emotionally and mentally clusterfuck of a relationship with my ex husband. I still believe I was not the only one with issues. I had no support and was emotionally and mentally abused and manipulated.it was toxic. so when my second child was born I stayed for three months and made the choice I couldn't raise my two children in that environment and started off on my own. I was doing great. I found confidence and believe in my self, I felt empowered with a can do attitude. I dated a bit and currently am in a relationship for 8 months. A great one. Iv never been in a more respectful, loving caring relationship and am very very grateful. Recently I have looked more into bpd. Read some articles and books. I feel I have a better understanding as to why I am who I am. But I can't help notice my attitude and short patients with my children. I'm not physically abusive and am a very loving mother but I feel my short temper and wanting of control could effect my children every where I look the one thing I take away is that " I'm **** out of luck." My children are doomed my relationship will fail hell leave me when he has enough. Is there hope? I'm not suicidal. And nor do I have explosive episodes with my boyfriend it's more the hopeless stressed I have no idea what's happening crying episodes. I am very outgoing and happy and he says that's why he loves me buy I'm scared he's going to get sick of my irrational emotional bouts. Encouragement? Tips? Help?
I'm a single mom now for two years. I have a 5 and almost 3 Year old. I was diagnosed with bpd a few months after my first child. By that time I was in an emotionally and mentally clusterfuck of a relationship with my ex husband. I still believe I was not the only one with issues. I had no support and was emotionally and mentally abused and manipulated.it was toxic. so when my second child was born I stayed for three months and made the choice I couldn't raise my two children in that environment and started off on my own. I was doing great. I found confidence and believe in my self, I felt empowered with a can do attitude. I dated a bit and currently am in a relationship for 8 months. A great one. Iv never been in a more respectful, loving caring relationship and am very very grateful. Recently I have looked more into bpd. Read some articles and books. I feel I have a better understanding as to why I am who I am. But I can't help notice my attitude and short patients with my children. I'm not physically abusive and am a very loving mother but I feel my short temper and wanting of control could effect my children every where I look the one thing I take away is that " I'm **** out of luck." My children are doomed my relationship will fail hell leave me when he has enough. Is there hope? I'm not suicidal. And nor do I have explosive episodes with my boyfriend it's more the hopeless stressed I have no idea what's happening crying episodes. I am very outgoing and happy and he says that's why he loves me buy I'm scared he's going to get sick of my irrational emotional bouts. Encouragement? Tips? Help?
Hi, you are most certainly not doomed. I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 22 - i'm 32 now and can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been and that I have not suffered from the extreme emotional highs and lows for a number of years. I had 6months of CBT when I was first diagnosed and that helped me a lot as it directly tackled the typical 'black and white' thinking that I was suffering from at the time. After my treatment I spend a few years out of a relationship and decided to focus on myself constantly consciously practicing CBT as much as I can. Now it is has become a my new 'normal' way of thinking. I think I'm still a sensitive soul and will always will be the difference is now I do not let my emotions rule me. If I'm really down, stressed and hurt, I focus on how I feel and why I am feeling the way I am feeling. I then try and think of thoughts that my me feel like less bad about what I'm feeling and I find in time the feelings are not so intense and eventually die down.
I unknowingly was living with BPD for most of my years in adolescence (along with several other mental issues, depression, ADHD, anxiety, all that). I managed to get treatment and now live a happy and healthy life and am in control of myself.
The things you’ve expressed concern about are the most common symptoms of BPD, but are actually some of the least concerning or debilitating. One of the main “themes” so to speak of BPD comes from the inability or difficulty to process or manage emotions properly, sometimes resulting in sudden impatience and an irritable temper. I’m not a mother, but can totally imagine how raising several children without a stable partner can cause this.
Also, it’s very common for BPD to make you always feel insecure or question your relationships. We often pay a lot of attention to our partners behavior and can be very overly sensitive to small things that we interpret as cues of potential trouble, like a partner losing interest, and we often are always worried about the possibility of their feelings changing. Add that to feeling afraid of ourselves and of our “issues” or “difficulties” holding us back from having a normal and happy relationship with anyone, especially an intimate or romantic partner, and it’s very easy to fall into that worrisome mindset. Most BPD sufferers live with a strong and persistent fear of personal failure, and the nagging thought that we will always somehow mess everything up without meaning to.
The good news is that, no, you are in no way doomed at all! It’s good that you recognize these things in yourself and can see that they’re causing some sort of trouble in your life. Some BPD patients simply cannot understand the faults in their thinking and behavior and refuse to acknowledge that they need to work on it. You obviously are not this way, and clearly care very much about your family and about being the best you can for them, your partner, and yourself.
It all starts with trying to change your mindset. Small things can help a lot over time, like reminding yourself that your partner has not given you any actual reason to believe that he will hurt you. Since he is a stable, caring and respectful partner, you should try to focus more on all of the “positive” he brings to your life and enjoy your connection and time together. Be happy with him in the moment and savor all the great little special things! Over time, this will help build your confidence and security when you allow yourself to see that he is with you because of the wonderful things about you, and someone who truly loves you chooses to see and celebrate all the goodness you have. Be open and honest about anything you feel might cause a problem and make him aware of your concern, so he always knows that you truly mean no harm and want to work on addressing and resolving these issues for both yourself and for him.
You can apply this to your children as well. As soon as you can start mentally separating your true feelings from the intrusive ones that don’t represent what you want to feel, you’ll be able to learn how to diffuse them before you act on them. I always try to ask questions in my mind.
For example, say your child was playing catch in the house and they broke a vase. Obviously, if they know that they shouldn’t throw things inside and end up breaking something anyways, it’s easy to be immediately frustrated and lose your cool. But before you respond with anger or allow yourself to become frustrated and lose all patience, talk through it in your mind and weigh your own reasonable thoughts against those that want you to lash out, and try to talk yourself down to a solution that does not allow your BPD to control your actions, and is based off of how you truly want to handle the situation, and how you want your child to interpret and feel about how you react.
I do this with my own thoughts about myself, as well. It’s easy with BPD to suddenly feel negative and bitter about yourself, even if you previously felt good. Remind yourself that you are in fact a loving and caring mother and partner and want to be as best as you can for all of them, so you can personally be happy and feel good about who you are in the lives of your loved ones. When you always remind yourself that you deserve better than what your BPD tries to make you feel or do, you’ll have a much better chance at being able to take back control of your thoughts and actions and live your life as how you truly want to!
The things you’ve expressed concern about are the most common symptoms of BPD, but are actually some of the least concerning or debilitating. One of the main “themes” so to speak of BPD comes from the inability or difficulty to process or manage emotions properly, sometimes resulting in sudden impatience and an irritable temper. I’m not a mother, but can totally imagine how raising several children without a stable partner can cause this.
Also, it’s very common for BPD to make you always feel insecure or question your relationships. We often pay a lot of attention to our partners behavior and can be very overly sensitive to small things that we interpret as cues of potential trouble, like a partner losing interest, and we often are always worried about the possibility of their feelings changing. Add that to feeling afraid of ourselves and of our “issues” or “difficulties” holding us back from having a normal and happy relationship with anyone, especially an intimate or romantic partner, and it’s very easy to fall into that worrisome mindset. Most BPD sufferers live with a strong and persistent fear of personal failure, and the nagging thought that we will always somehow mess everything up without meaning to.
The good news is that, no, you are in no way doomed at all! It’s good that you recognize these things in yourself and can see that they’re causing some sort of trouble in your life. Some BPD patients simply cannot understand the faults in their thinking and behavior and refuse to acknowledge that they need to work on it. You obviously are not this way, and clearly care very much about your family and about being the best you can for them, your partner, and yourself.
It all starts with trying to change your mindset. Small things can help a lot over time, like reminding yourself that your partner has not given you any actual reason to believe that he will hurt you. Since he is a stable, caring and respectful partner, you should try to focus more on all of the “positive” he brings to your life and enjoy your connection and time together. Be happy with him in the moment and savor all the great little special things! Over time, this will help build your confidence and security when you allow yourself to see that he is with you because of the wonderful things about you, and someone who truly loves you chooses to see and celebrate all the goodness you have. Be open and honest about anything you feel might cause a problem and make him aware of your concern, so he always knows that you truly mean no harm and want to work on addressing and resolving these issues for both yourself and for him.
You can apply this to your children as well. As soon as you can start mentally separating your true feelings from the intrusive ones that don’t represent what you want to feel, you’ll be able to learn how to diffuse them before you act on them. I always try to ask questions in my mind.
For example, say your child was playing catch in the house and they broke a vase. Obviously, if they know that they shouldn’t throw things inside and end up breaking something anyways, it’s easy to be immediately frustrated and lose your cool. But before you respond with anger or allow yourself to become frustrated and lose all patience, talk through it in your mind and weigh your own reasonable thoughts against those that want you to lash out, and try to talk yourself down to a solution that does not allow your BPD to control your actions, and is based off of how you truly want to handle the situation, and how you want your child to interpret and feel about how you react.
I do this with my own thoughts about myself, as well. It’s easy with BPD to suddenly feel negative and bitter about yourself, even if you previously felt good. Remind yourself that you are in fact a loving and caring mother and partner and want to be as best as you can for all of them, so you can personally be happy and feel good about who you are in the lives of your loved ones. When you always remind yourself that you deserve better than what your BPD tries to make you feel or do, you’ll have a much better chance at being able to take back control of your thoughts and actions and live your life as how you truly want to!
You are not doomed. But do consciously work on the relationship. Read the books of John Gottman. Don't blame, shame, or guilt trip-or if you do, apologize. Learn to meditate-download one of the Shamatha meditation retreat podcasts from Alan Wallace on Phucket and really get into it, and focus especially on 'settling the mind in its natural state.' This will, over time, help a lot. BPD often gets better-sounds like it has in your case already. Listen, listen, listen, and be open yourself. You can do it, I know you can.
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