Over the course of my life I have always been a pretty tame person but as of the last year or so I have turned into the complete opposite. I find it impossible to relax myself at times, few things seem to have the potential of calming me down.
Last year, out of pure coincidence, I happened to come across a man in the supermarket who happened to by my "father" - a man I havent seen since I was five. I tried to approach him and he ignored me.....Basically ran the other way - And he knew who I was. Not long after I looked him up in the phone book, went to his house where he answered the door and he slammed it in my face. I lost my cool and forced my fist through his front window, stomped on his doorstep, punched his varanda walls - I basically went nuts - Something I had never been before.
Ever since this moment I have been violent towards most people in my life. My gf has left me with an ultimatum of getting help or losing her- I never hit her directly but I do throw furniture around.
Towards my friends I also now lose my cool all too frequently. Even with strangers I am being arrogant, rude and uncivil. The other day while waiting in line at a petrol station, the cashier gave me less than flattering look so I knocked over the cd stand and smacked my fist on the counter. This is psychotic behaviour!
Another thing that I do everyday is drive past my fathers house both too and from work....If I see him out of his house I swear I will hurt him.
I do not know what I've become - I fear this behaviour will only escalate - How do I work on these problems and become what I once was? Is it possible?
It sounds like all of your anger was triggered by this incident with your father and now your anger has spread to all of the other relationships in your life (your gf, friends, even strangers). In order to reduce this anger, you have to address it directly and work on the anger that you have with your father. One of the most important steps in reducing anger is realizing that you do have a problem - which you already have done. This is excellent. Now a plan of behavior modification needs to be in place in order for you to control your anger in future situations. I highly suggest making an appointment with a clinicial psychologist who specializes in Cognitive-Behavioral therapy.
If you fear that this behavior will escalate, it is most important to seek help soon. Because this behavior does not seem to be longstanding (e.g. wasn't present in adolescence or prior to the incident with your father), I am confident that you will be able to control this anger well with the proper treatment. Impulsive behavior and anger can be a bit difficult to get a handle on at first but remain confident in yourself that change can occur. Good luck and let us know how you are doing and if you have any other questions.
I feel terrible for you! What a thing for your father to do to you!! I'd be mad as hell too - who wouldn't?? I think this anger is just festering in you and you need to talk to a counselor about what to do with all this emotion because it is affecting everything else in your life. People do not realize the responsibility they have to their kids and the effects their actions have on their kids - regardless of whether they are in their life or not. Rejecting a child is devastating no matter how old they are. I really do feel your pain. I don't know if it helps but I always tried to remember something someone said to me a long time ago concerning my own father. They said "You can't choose the type of person your father is. And it is no reflection on you what kind of person he is." And that really stuck with me. People are who they are - and they do what they do - even if we don't like it and even if they are our parents. Does that make any sense?
YOur situation is really about rejection. Its that need to belong to what we rightly have a right to feel apart of. A need to be loved by those who should love us. After all, if your family doesn't love you then who does. Unfortunatly, if they don't, we have other options. Friends, church, etc. YOur dad is afraid of something or he wouldn't run away from you. maybe your chastisment for something he has no answers too. Maybe he is hurting and can't help you until he helps himself and maybe he knows that. I don't know. It's hard to believe that our own family can hurt us and part of us is even in denial about the fact that they are capable of hurting us.
Listen, I am estranged from my whole family of 12 members. The pain is unbearable.
Try to see it for what it is and before you choose to hurt someone else, please find some ways of dealing with this. I don't believe you want to feel this angry. I beleive you just want to be love and accepted by those who are supposed to do this. It;s not even about angry so much as it is hurt. The anger just another symptom of the hurt and rejection. give it some time. IF you feel like you are in danger of hurting yourself or someone else, just call 911. They will get you in the right direction. Better that than to end up in prison. Imagine being caged in there and trying to work through this. At least in the outside world, you have freedom to do things to take your mind off of things. dont screw that up.
You can do this. You are capable. You may never shed the hurt or resolution with your father but you can go out there and bring comfort to others. Don't be afraid to believe in God and all that he has the power to do even when we don't understand how it can happen..
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