I'm tired of being like this..

How do you stop?

I deserve to be happy. I don't want to hurt the people around me. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I'm 35. I've been this since I was about 10.
I JUST WANT TO STOP

[Siddles]

I don't know how to start recovering

[girl_with_demons]

hi there, i cant help you, but i just want to tell you i'm glad to see that i'm not alone. when i'm lucid i am a very nice person, full of compassion, patience and understanding and then i go nuts and ruin everything i have. i'm tired of hating myself for things i didn't CHOOSE to do or say. i  want to be ME

[Siddles]

I wish I could stop pushing the people I care about away. I used to think I had commitment issues. When I get close to someone, I start to push them away. I never know I'm doing it till the damage is done. I push away by becoming paranoid, angry, and I make up excuses in my own head why it's not working out. Or why I should distance myself from certain people.

I'm completely alienated from my immediate family. If my current situation doesn't work out. I'll be homeless. I have no one. I'm seeking out treatment, but without the proper support I'm scared I'm going to fail. I wish there was a proper BPD forum where people actually talk to each other for real support. Not just outlet posting.

[Siddles]

joined a few types of these forums.. all are uselss.. seek help elsewhere

[dalesgirl80]

Hello.... First I want to start with..... I feel and understand your pain. Yes this is a real person and not just some ad trying to convence you of something. ......Event though I am going to try to convince you of something lol.... When I first came to this site it was bcause I was positively desperate for answers....more so support. Doctors name this illness, describe it and then many go left untreated and fending for themselves to survive it. I am a sufferer of BPD for several years. It took a very very long time to get to where I am now but that didnt come without a lot of hard work and dedication. I was committed to figuring this thing out. As if I were diagnosed with cancer....I attacked the information as if it were my only way to live. I have been writing in journals for 18 years and about 8 years ago I decided to do something with all that information.... Write my memoir. Well...I wish I could follow that statement up with, its published and now I'm a best seller.....but no. 8 years later and I am still working on it (the best seller part too lol) But in the last 8 years I have educated myself so much on BPD and even developed my own theories in how it should be treated. Of course, I have BPD so getting my voice out there is proving quite the challenge. For the most part, I just sound crazy. But then I realized there is a whole community that thinks otherwise. Please don't laugh at me when I say this but.....Twitter has been the best thing ever. I hated how on here you would post something and then anxiously await a response.... just to get nothing- People like me, and possibly you, need immidiate results or else we just feel even more alone and even a bit rediculous for putting our feelings and thoughts "out there".
Please, I would like to invite you to join twitter if your not already on it. People are talking all the time....instantly to you. If you find me @chloezone I can introduce you to all who follow me already. A very large community of BPDers- We help and support each other so we dont have to go at this alone. I also run a blog on blogger                             notalone-chloejane.blogspot.com   I would love for you to visit and even follow if you like what I write. Also feel free to follow me on here. I don't use this site as much because of the ghost town effects I feel when I am on it..... similar to what your feeling I presume. However, I do check it when I get alerts that a new post has been posted.

I wish you the best as I know what it feels like to go through what you are dealing with. Please let me know if I can be of any more help to you as I am hoping I have at least offered you with some help....if not maybe a little hope...
ChloeJane

[greyMatta]

Hi Siddles,

I can totally relate to your exasperation and despair at the BPD card that you've been dealt. I've only recently been 'diagnosed' BPD following decades of emotional turmoil and although I would never wish to be defined by BPD it is a label that allows quite a clear direction for therapy and recovery. I'm no expert but eleven years of therapy, even quite hit and miss therapy at times, have really helped me to gain some control of my life and I am looking forward to a more directed approach to therapy now that I have a label, a hook to hang everything on, an insight into what's been going on for the last 40 years!!

Over the last twelve years I have been through general 'talking' psychotherapy, cognitive behavioural therapy and hypnotherapy and each has played an important part. And I've worked my way from someone with severe dissociative emotional/behavioural problems to where I am today with a lot more peace and control. I'm not there yet, probably never will be and it's obviously not been easy, it's been incredibly hard but so worth it.

One thing that I have observed whilst reading posts on this site is that BPDs are fighters; if non BPDs had any real idea of what we go through each day they would crumble. We are strong, we are fighters, don't give up, you've got this far, fight for that happiness you deserve!!

I'm using a dialectical behavioural therapy workbook now that I have a label and I'm finding it really helpful, check it out - The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & Distress Tolerance. I hope you don't mind me suggesting stuff but it's really good and DBT has been seen to be very successful in treating some of the characteristics of BPD in some cases.

Any way, enough! . . . fight the good fight, accept BPD, refuse to feel that guilt and shame (you didn't ask for BPD, did you!?) and then seek ways to manage the BPD and take one step at a time towards your goal.

All the best,

Matt

[im_here]

The anxious wait for a response hit the nail on the head for me! I thought I was the only one who felt like that I really did!