There is no way I can capture all of the incidents I've had with my wife the last month, moreless through 17 years of marriage. I will try to keep it brief as possible. We've been having problems for years, jealousy/control issues, trust issues, etc. There have been incidents of me lying and keeping things from her, simple things, not because I was doing anything wrong; but because she takes everything in a different direction. I told her the other day that the guy around the corner called me at work and told me he had called the house during the weekend to see if I was watching the playoffs. A short while later, she commented that I'm preparing for the single life, making plans to hang out. I didn't comment. Then at 0300 in the morning, she commented about it again, saying my heart isn't in the right place. Later when I was at work, she called to ask me what time was I going over to the guy's house on Sunday. I never told her I was going anywhere Sunday or any other day. I told her the guy called the weekend before to see if I was watching the games.
Long story shorter, I allowed my wife to force me to take an unaccompanied assignment to Germany for two years back in 2011. Her and the kids stayed in Colorado. I just got back in March. She regetted letting me go over there. She made my life a living hell, false accusations almost daily leading to big blowout arguments. I couldn't do anything over there because of her insecurities, working and going home. She STILL accused me of false things and always made herself look like a victim. I couldn't even go to the gym or commissary without a problem. Fast forward to now. We are daily about stuff that aint even happening. She accused me of annoying her or doing things to upset her all the time, usually the most trivial things.
Her birthday and I brought her a dozen roses home after work. She cooked roast and potatoes with gravy. Everything was going well between us. Her and my daughter watched their Monday shows together while I went upstairs to watch the NCAA Championship game. After eating, I took my leftovers downstairs to put in fridge when I saw another plate wrapped in there. I asked her whose plate was it, just asking no reason at all for asking. She tole me it was our son's and told me not to eat his food. I told her I wasn’t going to eat it, I just asked. I went back upstairs to watch the game. She came upstairs a while later and told me I made her feel uncomfortable and I know what she’s talking about. I was clueless and told her so. She then went on about why I asked about the plate and I told her no reason, I was just asking. She felt I was asking for a reason, either to do something to her food or make her think so and that she could do things to my food and drinks as well. I told her she was way off base and I would never do that. She kept with her accusations/thoughts and the argument became slightly heated.
One morning I was getting ready to leave for PT/work, when she called me downstairs. Since it was raining, she wanted me to wait and take our son to the bus stop for school. I told her that I couldn’t because I had mandatory PT at 0700. I could not call to clear it with the boss because I didn’t have my recall roster with the number on it and I couldn’t just not show up. She told me that I always seem to make some excuse why I have to be at work at 0700. I restated to her (I had already told her) that we have PT daily at 0700, Mon-Thurs is self PT while Fri is mandatory group PT. Thurs I don’t do PT because we have mandatory Roll call at 0700. She seemed bothered that I went to PT on the optional days; I should stay home to help ensure our son is ready for school due to her health issues. I told her I have to do at least 3 days. I told her if I don’t do PT on those days, then I have to report to work at 0730. Therefore, I go to PT because I like to workout anyway and this is a good opportunity. She didn’t want to hear any of it and as usual felt I was lying. I told her it there was a time she needed me Mon-Wed to take our son to the bus stop, I would do it and just report to work at 0730. Thurs-Fri don’t work for the stated reasons unless there is a legit reason; even then I have to clear it with the boss. She told me to “Eff it, our son just won’t go to school.” She told me that she wasn’t going to cook for me or anything anymore. We spoke a little later at work and she told me that she had a cab take our son to the bus stop. The bus stop is right down the street, less than a 5 minute walk. She refused to take him herself or have our daughter drop him off.
Last night, my son and I were watching the NFL draft as we like to do every year. We are huge NFL fans. She came in and commented to my son that he seems to watch TV with me but can't take any time to watch TV with her. When my son didn't comment, she went off on him saying that he was acting different since I got back, she wasn't going to do anything for him anymore ("Let Dad do it.") and he would have to stay with me if she moves back to Cali if we divorce and he would see. She then accused me of talking bad about her to him and told our daughters (where me and my son could hear) that our son tries to protect me because I'm weak and sees her as strength. She said a whole bunch of other belittling things as she always does, attacking my manhood, fatherhood, everything. However, when I say something back, she flips it around on me. When I say nothing, she still flips it around on me.
It's hard to say if your wife has BPD or if something else is going on. I would highly recommend counseling for both of you. Marriage counseling together and counseling alone for her.
It can be very hard to get a correct diagnosis when it comes to BPD because it can mimic other things like bi-polar,depression, anxiety, low self esteem, jealousy issues.
Your wife would have to have testing done with a qualified Psychiatrist or therapist. The tests are questionnaires and she would have to answer them as honestly as possible or she could get the wrong diagnosis.
I'm here to listen and help anyway I can.
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