I believe I have BPD, or I want to get a serious diagnostic to if I have it or not. I know the quizzes online are not something to rely on, but I've taken a lot of them (I want to say... 12? 13?) and they all came out the same: "Serious risk." "Most likely."
I want to know how to tell my parents. They'll probably thing I'm bulls***ng them, but I'm really worried.
How do you get BPD? Is it inlaid? Does it come about?
I had a pretty sucky few years of childhood that lacked the following:
Friends, support, happiness, ANYONE to talk to, kindness, and love in general. I was also suicidal and depressed in grades 2-5. I know it sounds like a load of s***, but I was raised in an environment that required me to grow up too fast.
I used to have conversations with myself. Not another voice in my head, I would just pretend I was my own friend.
I have plenty of friends now, I'm not suicidal anymore, I'm not too depressed, but I'm still pretty f***ed up.
Never believe a compliment. EVER. About ANYTHING. The smallest thing sets me off into a boiling rage. Sometimes I'm just really really sad. I sometimes think my depression is back, but a few hours later or the next day (sometimes even minutes) I feel fine and then I get mad at myself. I don't believe anyone loves me and I doubt anyone ever will. I won't believe you if you say you do. I also don't love anyone. If my best friend, my mother, even one of my idols whose music fuels my passion to write it which keeps me alive dropped dead, I don't think I'd cry. Or even care. I used to think I had bipolar, but I ruled that out. I never told anyone who could help me (parents, doctors, counselor, etc.) about this, I was never treated. Music is my therapy. I write it, listen to it, and play it. I don't know if this means anything, but I believe I have a good understanding of the human mind. I can see things from all angles. My opinions constantly shift on things (Is it okay to hit a girl? Do I REALLY like this more than this? Is gun control this or this?) but not ok things I stand strong on (the music like, my religious views, what I think of some controversial topics). There's usually a song going on in the back of my head going that I can't "turn off." There's never a particular relevance to what I'm doing. It's usually just one line over and over, but I next get tired or sick of it. Sometimes when I do things, I think very negative things I didn't know u still thought. It's like the thoughts are there but I don't believe them. My brother has autism. I swear, every fiber of his being is set to make me snap. I do not mean to be stereotypical or derogatory to ANYBODY else with it. It's just him. Get it? Got it? Good. He goes out of his way to do things and say things that just make me so angry because he's too much of a p**** to do anything. It's all he has. I f****** hate him with everything I have, and I have forever. I know he can't help being that way, but I ******* HATE HIM. My parents don't even do **** to stop it. He'll call me the following at the ******* dinner table and they don't seem to hear it: Hooker, stupid, idiot, unintelligent, hacker, etc.
it makes me want to rip my hair out. And nauseous.
Bottom line is I don't know if this is just "teen angst," recovery from something, BPD, depression, whatever. I just need help.
Dear Fellow Soul:
I have BPD and I believe you do. I may not be a doctor but I do know alot about this subject since it have plagued me since I was 8 yrs old. I would suggest asking a doctor for conformation, but I really do think I am right. Your symptoms are very close to mine. I was suicidal from 4th-9th grade. I also know what you mean about talking to oneself. I actually am not friends with that voice but alwell. :) But no I would suggest talking to your doctor because they can perscribe this great medication called Salicksa (not right spelling, sorry I am also very dislexic). It is great about controlling that voice whether friend or not and the mood swings. It may make you very sleeply. I was my psycologist first patient to expirence extreme sleepiness. When I first tried I slept for 17 hours straight, every day for a week before he prescribed something else.
I hope this helps :)
With My Deepest Care,
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