Need DBT...No funds to get help...

Are the any sort of assistance programs for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy? My boyfriend of almost 3 years was recently diagnosed with BPD, and wishes to pursue treatment, but the program through which he was diagnosed costs 150.00/week to attend and it's a 6 month course. He is currently on unemployment and can nowhere near afford this treatment, but we've heard it's all that works. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[ILADVOCATE]

  From some tentative online research it appears that Medicare, Medicaid and some private insurers will cover at least part of it, it not all depending on the specific program. He might be eligible for Medicaid now. At any point that he does return to work, even minor part time work he could be eligible for the Medicaid Buy in for Working People with Disabilities which could continue Medicaid eligibility.

[Jaquta]

I personally have found psychoanalytical psychotherapy to be more effective than dbt.  I guess it also depends on the severity of the disorder.

Any therapy would probably be more helpful than no therapy.  Have you looked into low or zero fee clinics?  I have heard that they are an option for people in the States.
Also, a discounted rate may be offered at a teaching hospital.  Not sure though.

There is a free online dbt class on the internet.
It is called dbtclass and can be found in the yahoo health groups.

[Jaquta]

Another thought.  Accessing the dbt skills training manual may be helpful and you could perhaps work through it together or he by himself.  Some of those should also be able to be downloaded off the net.

Key words are: dbt, dbt skills training, Marsha Linehan

[Joey381972]

My wife has BPD and has taken the DBT program at our local hospital, and also the private clinic which cost $160.00 an hour. Try your local hospital first it is free. I don't want to discourage you, but, it did not work for my wife, but, it is all depending on how bad they need help and how bad their symptoms are. BPD is for the support person a very exhausting thing. You will want to really consider how much you want to live this life, because for alot of BPD's it is a life long thing. I have been with my wife for almost 18 years and we are still dealing with it, and I think one of my kids is developing it. So, I am not trying to scare you, just giving you the hard facts of what you are in for. Alot of the people on here may be alot more optimistic about it, but, most of them are BPD's themselves, where as I am not. Hope this helps.

[Jaquta]

I think the main thing is getting into therapy with a good therapist.  Outside of that I believe changing by oneself is extremely difficult.

It is only exhausting if the therapist isn't doing their job or isn't very adept at it.

BPD is said to improve with age and on some level I agree with that.  As I am aging I am finding that increasingly I am confronted with change and I think that inevitably that leads to a change in thinking, etc.

Life isn't always easy or fair.  I feel quite strongly about such comments as it makes me feel like I should be thrown away with the trash or should be avoided at all costs.

Generally people with bpd are pessimistic but we need to hold onto hope because often that is all we have.

[Joey381972]

I have noticed that in past comments that you get very defensive of things that I have said and take them very personally, my wife does that. She takes everything I say too personally no matter what it is. You are correct on 2 things though, if the therapist is not doing their job it makes it difficult, and sometimes with aging it improves, not in all cases. On the contrary though, the person with BPD has to want it as well, and you have to find the right relationship. I have noticed that it is hard enough to get them to go to someone, nevermind having to do it over and over to find someone they can work with, very discouraging for them and their supporters. Was not saying this person should leave and that is it, I said they should consider what they are getting into and wanted them to think about how much they could put into a high strain relationship like this.
       I would never say that people with BPD should be thrown away like trash, and I believe you took that the wrong way. I love my wife, but, it is still very exhausting to be with her. One thing people with BPD do not always get is that we did not sign on for this(I do realize they did not either),just saying it is alot of work, but, if you truly love someone you make sacrifices. Some feel it is an obligation, while I believe it is a matter of commitment, also some cannot handle the stress(the supporters I mean). Hope this clarifies what I was saying.

[Jaquta]

You're absolutely right.  I did feel a little ?angry when reading your comments.  Not sure if that is the right emotion but I did feel a lot of the tension in my body when I read your post.  Defensive is a good word.

I have been hurt a lot with the label so I acknowledge it is a sensitive issue for me.
Perhaps I should not have responded to your comment at all?  I did think about it.

I think that we've been pretty open with each other in the past though.  I think that I find it difficult to deal with people not liking us all that much due to having bpd.  That's what it feels like.  Maybe that hits on rejection or abandonment themes?

People with bpd are said to have no (emotional) skin.  Could you imagine how sensitive, raw and painful that could make most things?  Something benign that doesn't affect others may affect us deeply.

Not everyone gets to grow old either as suicide is a seriously risk of having bpd.

I don't really get it when people say that we need to want it.  Of course we want to be happy, healthy and well.
I do understand what you mean because I have had periods of wanting something.  I think perhaps the problem lies in being able to translate wants into actual action.  Or being able to set goals and work towards achieving them.  It's really complicated.

You're almost asking a person to do something that they're not skilled enough to do.  Or are too anxious to put those skills into practice.

For me, I typically only avoid as a defense when I have been hurt very badly.  Most people with bpd, I think, actually want support, want to be helped.

I had a good therapist leave and I have since become quite discouraged and frustrated with my mhs that I don't trust them enough to treat me.  I have zero confidence in them.  If someone weren't helping you, would you go back?  Would you be willing to engage with someone else?  I won't go back to my service but I may look at other options (that I don't really have the resources to pursue) but this is only because I have some semblance of hope.  A lot of people with bpd don't have that.

If people were skilled and experienced in treating people with bpd they would be treated effectively and wouldn't need to keep looking for an elusive caregiver.

I feel that both our perspectives are valid:  you hurt, your wife hurts, I hurt, others hurt.
Sometimes I feel that your pain is to be considered as more important or valid than my own.  That feels invalidating to me and my experiences.  It is difficult for me to accept that your pain can be as great as ours.
I don't think that anybodies pain is any more or less important though.

To me it still sounds as though you are saying the person should leave.
Do you mean so that they can support the person with bpd as much as possible?

Consider what they are getting into: ?an unbalanced/ unhealthy relationship.  Sounds like something dreadful.  I think maybe subconsciously that means that you have distinguished between a good and a bad.  And I feel bad.  Would you need to consider it if it were good?  ??

High strain relationship: meaning that the person with bpd is high maintenance.

Just trying to help you see how I see or perceive your comments.  Have you ever been judged based on your religious beliefs?  Maybe that would kind of be similar (depending on how much you valued it).  It's difficult to find a comparison.
Maybe I would perceive the comments as less offensive if they were directed towards a physical medical condition.  Consider what you are getting in for with a person with asthma, cancer, etc and the stress that would put on a relationship.

It is difficult for everyone.

You're a good person Joey and I know there is no malice in anything you say.

Some people do go into relationships knowing that their partner has issues.

What positives does your wife having bpd bring to the relationship?  Maybe the problem is that nobody, or very rarely, discusses positives.  Maybe that is why I also misattribute some things which are said??

I like you Joey and I respect you, I just have difficulty hearing that people should think about being in relationships with us, people with bpd.  Love should be unconditional, in my opinion.

[Joey381972]

         I can tell you care about everyone you talk to on here. You seem genuinely compassionate. I believe you feel you are protecting all people with BPD. That is great. I apologize if I made you feel upset or defensive. You are correct when you say I mean no harm to anyone.
     The truth is that I just want everyone to have a fair chance at having the best relationship possible. I do love my wife, and always have, and had I known she was dealing with the BPD 18 years ago, I do not believe I would have left, I just would have been able to not only help her, but, to also get her the help she needed, and be able to understand her more, and why she acted the way she di. I would have realized that there was no malice in what she was doing, but, just that she needed somebody to understand her, and give her boundries(just as we all need boundries. Because I din't know this, I took everything personally. Now the affair thing was hard not to take personal, but, everything else we could have worked on. Even when she was cheating on me I tried to get her help. I may have approached it differently if I had have known. Yes, she did cause me alot of pain, and you are right, we are not to judge others pain by our own. Everybodies pain is just as important as our own. I stood by(and still do) stand by my wife and hope she one day can be cured from this, but, I also know that it is long term and that no matter what, even if she never gets healed from this, that I need to be there and be supportive, just as she needs to still be accountable and be a wife to me if we are to be husband and wife.
         When I said I am not optimistic about the recovery, I was saying because of the systems they have in place, and the statistics. Does not mean that I wanted them to leave, just be aware and if they really love that person then it won't matter, they will just know how to handle it, and be more aware of the commitment they are will ing to make. I realized myself that I chose my wife for a reason, and that I have many faults of my own that have contributed to our downfalls. I am in no way and don't think I am perfect. Maybe I am wrong in what I say, and i do not believe all people are the same BPD's as well, so just my thoughts.
                  By the way my wife does have alot of positives, that is why i am with her. She has faults like everyone else, but, she is alos a good mother and really cares for our childeren, she is passionate and caring, she is a good person. When she finds something she enjoys, she perfects it, she is a great artist. I do love her.
         I appreciate you taking the time to tell me how you feel, I too feel you are a good person. And i feel that we can be honest and i respect that. You are a great support to the people on here, so keep it up. I don't want to offend anyone, that is not my goal. I was just giving insight(my own), and people can judge for themselves the commitments they want to make, and I do believe love is unconditional and most people are in these rlationships anyway, because they genuinely love the person.

Hope this helps, and take care.

Just curious, What is it that you like and respect me for? I too am always trying to be a better person, so, always like to have feedback to improve on myself, just want to know what those are.

[ally258]

I only recently was diagnosed with Bipolar, ( but sure I had it all my life) and I know it's a stress for the people that love us to deal with us at times and I have been in VERY bad relationships that were physically abusive because the other person didn't know how to deal with ( but not saying it's OK) Anyway the guy I am with now ( since diagnosed ) is VERY understanding and I know I push him to his limits, he still does everything with a smile, and understanding, for that I am lucky, he loves me

[Jaquta]

I'm not sure if I am protecting others.  Maybe that has to do with the all-or-nothing thinking though.  If you are talking about bpd, and I have been diagnosed with bpd, then surely those same comments apply to me.  ??  I should understand that it is a generalization and may or may not apply to me.  I mean, not everyone with asthma or diabetes or heart disease presents the same way or even has the same symptoms.

You don't need to apologize for me reacting to your comments.  My reaction is my responsibility.  I need to take it and learn from it.  That shouldn't preclude you from making further comments either.  Maybe you can learn from your comments too, I don't know.
I was told that when we are triggered we react and when we do it in a skillful way we respond.

Personality due to it's nature can take years to heal.  In good therapy that is said to be between three and five years.

I sense that you may be a little frustrated that you aren't getting your own needs met.  Your wife having this disorder also represents a loss for you.  Lost stability, lost relationship, lost ...  Lots of very personal losses.

My philosophy was that people with bpd shouldn't become involved in intimate relationships until they had resolved some of their own issues.  Talking with you has helped me to see how it affects others.  Relationships happen though and denying them can also mean that we are not being true to ourselves.  Somehow we have to negotiate our way through this minefield that is bpd.

I agree that there should be limits and boundaries as to what behaviors will be tolerated.

You're entitled to your own thoughts and opinions (as I am to mine).  I think for me what stood out was that if a person needs to weigh up the relationship then perhaps there isn't that love, commitment and trust, etc.  I'm not sure I'm saying this very well.  It's almost like that by highlighting conditions it makes it conditional (versus unconditional).  Does that make sense?  It's almost that by asking the question it shows that the feelings aren't that deep.  ??
In contrast to that, I see that it would make sense to evaluate things and be honest with yourself about how much you feel you can give.
My perception of relationships are that they are strong, deep and forever.  I know that not everyone is fortunate enough to find true love (or find it the first time, etc).
If there are questions though surely that says something about the relationship.  ??

Mental health services are particularly atrocious in treating those with bpd.  Some services and clinicians are good while others are mediocre to poor.  Some actually do untold damage to the person with bpd (and no doubt their friends and family).

Thanks for taking the time to help me understand where you are coming from and what you meant, I really appreciate that.

I like your honesty, your openness, your commitment to your wife, your values and beliefs which come through in your posts, your flexibility or willingness to try and make things work for you.  Is that enough?  People with bpd are intuitive so sometimes it is also just a sense.  A sense of security, etc.

There is something I don't like too that comes through sometimes.  I can't quite pinpoint it though.  I think it perhaps comes through when you're stressed.  A sense of needing to control things??  Not sure.  I could be projecting here.  I know that control is something that is important to me, even though it is unhealthy.  In a healthy sense I think that control probably relates to structure and limits.  Or maybe that it is just frustration with your wife and where things are at.  It doesn't come up that often.

Having bpd I had to balance the good with the bad.  Is a great way to integrate them both and to see that people have both positive and negative attributes or strengths and weaknesses.  I see myself as having more negative qualities.  I think that perhaps you have more positive ones.  I forgot to mention patience too.  You're patient.


It says a lot about a person when they can treat those in adverse situations with respect.  I'm glad that you've found someone who can treat you in a healthy way.  Nobody deserves to be abused.

[Joey381972]

   Just an observation, don't know if it is true or not. Thanks, I will definately learn, and try to from my own comments as well!

     You are right, I definately see a loss, and feel it. Hard to deal with it sometimes, but, getting better at it.

             Just curious, so, you have never really chatted with many Non-Bpds? Yes, it is sometimes hard being the supporter and not getting your needs met, and I know I have my own issues. It sometimes feels that it is always about her, and who cares about me, so, yes, sometimes I do get frusterated. On the other hand, when she is feeling good, it is great, and I enjoy her passion at that time, so, it is a toss up!

             I have only just now started putting up boundries, and it is very difficult for me, as she has always dominated our relationship, I know I let this happen, as I was just too tired to do it after awhile, tend to give up after awhile. She sees me now for the boundry thing, and is really starting to respect me more. Feels good.

   Every relationship has it's ups and down's just find whenit is with this disorder it just makes things that much more difficult to work through, especially if the BPD is fighting it and still wants control and does not see it. As you can tell that was and still is sometimes the case in our house.

         I think that deep down my wife has always seen that I am committed to her, but, sometimes she has a hard time realizing it. My parents divorced and I saw what it did to me, and never wanted that for my kids. It is painful, and I have always respected women and I love my wife. Just always wanted it to work out. I believe in family huge. I paid for that a bit when she had her affair, but, we are slowly coming back.

You are correct in that I do have control issues after the affair, I am still deathly afraid of being hurt again, so that has been hard for me to let go for that reason. It was so painful, i don't want to go through that again, so, I guess I am protecting myself.

thank you for letting me know you think I am patient. I know you are a good person, I can tell from your writing, you are very caring. that is a good quality to have.

Take care