Need Help! Is he bipolar or borderline?

My bf father passed away when he was 10 and his parents got divorced before that he used to tell me how upset he would get when his mom and dad fought in front of him and when he saw his dad hurt his mom, he never went for help or spoke to anyone about it. He liked to party and use to sms me things like I feel so empty you won’t understand not even the alcohol would fill it
we had a stunning relationship we did so much together was so in love went on our roadtrips, did crazy cocktail evenings at home or had scrabble games at home it was incredible he said he loves me and all my friends could see how crazy he was about me and how crazy i was about him we use to celebrate our anniversaries every month at a different restaurant and all in all it was just amazing. then we had a fight I got upset as he kept on flirting with girls and then he got upset but he got so upset that he got in his car and left we tried to look for him and 4 hours later found him in a 24 hour restaurant he was UPSET he was ranting and raving about how can a pretty girl like you be so full of **** and I can’t believe it I only pulled out the chair for the woman and then he got even more upset and took a plate and smashed it against the wall then we left we got home he was crying i held him and asked him what is wrong what is hurting you so badly and he said that he does not know still crying he said he does not know what he wants anymore. the next morning he left for work and sms me to say that he will bring the cleaning lady the next morning but he wants to break up so i asked why and he just said it will be best
The Next morning he brought in the cleaning lady. He was tired he went to lie on the couch staring into nothing with tear in his eyes then he fell asleep woke up said he had to leave he was so distant and cold so he left then 45 min later he came and did my fish tank’s pump for me, when he got there he was a different person alive and happy he fixed up the tank and realized he needs a new pump so told me he will get one the next day
he kissed me and left. next day he sms to say he is going to buy a new pump and I told him that is fine but I am not at home but he is more than welcome to do it. then later he asked me where I am and I said I am on my way home are you still there when I got there he sms me to say he had to leave to go and get dressed for his sister bday party and will I come with him so I said yes sure I will go so we to his sisters birthday and when we finished he walked me to my car and I turned around and asked whats going on here now are we broken up or what and he said he doesn’t know how do you know how can you be sure this is the right one how don’t you  know there is someone better out there so I told him if that is how you feel fine but it either off or on between us then he said well lets just see how it goes and I told him I am not going to be stringed along and I am sure he can understand So he said yes ok we together and then everything went back to normal and it was awesome even better than before it was great lovely and it was like that for a few months again then one day we were just irritated with each other he starting sayings things like see we can’t even see eye to eye how can we waist anymore of each other’s time this is not going to work you know what this is over I want to be single I don’t want this relationship anymore it just does not feel right anymore I don’t feel the same anymore and dropped me off and got in his car and left. The next day I got an sms to say he feels his fire is out and dead he feels that he is soo tired of putting up a happy go lucky sharrade in front of all the people. So I left it and did not hear from him for a week.
He sms after a week to say that he is coming to my house the Saturday to come and bring me neon’s fishies for my fish tank. He came around put my fishies in and then asked me if I want to go and do something we headed off to the beach and bang we where back together and things was awesome and we he moved in with me and it was awesome we were so in love he showered me with presents it was great we were in love talked about marriage and this carried on for a long time and then boom we went to a braai he started drinking and he changed then 2 other woman walked into the room and he changed even more he spend the whole night chatting to them like I am not even in the room and then to top it off when I wanted to leave he told me that I am a drunk $%#$ so I told him nicely firstly that is not the way to speak to me  and I feel that you are not attentive to me I am here with you at a braai and I would rather want to go home than sit here all by myself whatever you are doing it is not nice for me so I got in my car and left. He never came home that night I phoned him the morning he went off about how could I get in my car and left and if I just stayed everything would have been fine and we would have gone home and that was that that everyone was drinking and partying and that he told everyone and in front of everyone well if this is why she got in her car and left and if these girls are the reason why she left then it’s over between us and grabbed the girl and kissed her in front of all his friends and got in his car and drove none stop and told me so I kissed her I kissed her so I cheated on you as well so deal with that info with it what you want to. Next day spoke to him and told him that I am sorry for my part of it but what happened to him. He just told me that he loves me he does not know what to say he just need some head space to sort out his feelings. So I left it for the week he still slept in our bed and he still acted as if we together.
After week I asked him if we can chat about things and he went off “there is nothing to talk about, I don’t feel the same way this is not how I pictured our future that is not how I pictured my future, and its killing me inside I know what I am giving up and it is tearing me inside I know what I am throwing away, but I will rather start with someone new than have to do damage control I am tired of damage control and I am moving out . So I left it the week he slept in the spare room and the Saturday morning acted as if nothing is wrong is playful with me and loving and kind and went to fetch his trailer started packing stuff so I confronted him and said ok well are you sure this is what you want to do and then he went off crying and said “ I don’t know if I want this suburban life of ours, yes there is never a dull moment and yes we have our odd complications and yes I won’t ever find anyone that does the things you do but is it worth it is it really worth it, I am tired of the healthy living and I am tired of this and that and that I just feel something is missing and I feel dead and that I don’t even feel hurt by what I am doing I feel hurt because I know what this relationship means to you but I don’t know if I can  love you for the rest of my life and I don’t know if I am just stubborn or emotionally low right now but that how I feel and its not you it was not like that from the beginning and that he is making himself unhappy. There is still stuff at my house his big two fish tanks and few boxes this Saturday he sms me to ask me what am I doing and can he come over and bring me some neon fish he came over walked into my door kissed me and spend 4 hours there in the cleaning pumps and fish thanks walking around he asked me what I’m doing for the rest of the day and I did reply he then invited me to come and have a braai at his moms house. I went I just left it had supper ate and left he kissed me goodbye. Then the next evening I saw him in a club with his new found friend, she was a friend of his that he knew before they used to hang out and party a lot. But he acted as if he is not hurt at all! He acted top of the world hopping around greeting people and acting as if he owns the place My heart broke!
Any advice? Please I am so confused

[Samantha_Dragon]

I would say he's bipolar because if he was borderline you or someone else would have noticed before but bipolar disorder can hide and come out randome times. It sounds like he needs some perfeshanal help. But it also sounds like the best thing for you right now would be to have some time away from him.
Good luck I hope he gets the help he needs and that your ok.

[LillyLee123]

Hi samantha

So you would say we would have noticed before we met that he was borderline or maybe noticed from his past relationships?

I also had a feeling it might be bipolar the two seems so similar but i guess only a professional can make that assumption

Yes i am taking my space right now it is difficult alot of his stuff is still at my house at the moment i am just trying to take some time out to reassess the situation

Thanks for your advice and reply

[MissHabersham]

Of course only a professional could make a diagnosis but I see some definite BPD traits there:

* troubled relationship -- especially "on again off again" where you are idealized and then later totally devalued and where you think you're broken up because when he's upset he ends it rashly then everything is "fine" the next day or so because he's not upset -- classic BPD

* blaming you for his actions and feelings in an irrational way ("if you would have stayed at the braai we would have gone home together and everything would have been fine" -- totally clearing himself of blame and ignoring the fact that his actions caused you to be upset)

* disassociation -- the times he'd be so "cold" and distant could have been times that his emotional pain was so intense that he'd disassociate and feel empty/dead inside as a coping mechanism to take a break from his own inner turmoil

* promiscuity/cheating (which can also be a bi-polar trait, so hmmmm) and "moving on quickly" (a BPD hates to be alone...some cannot be alone)

* rejecting you (BPD major trigger is rejection, so they will be quick to bail when things start going wrong because it's so much easier to be the one to leave)

I guess the bigger question here is do YOU want to live your life this way?  Especially if he's either bi-polar or BPD and doesn't recognize that there is a problem with him that he will need to work on and get help to fix?  You will have the wonderful intense happy close times but it will be a rollercoaster until he takes responsibility for how his "condition" affects others. . . and it doesn't sound like he's there yet.

[LillyLee123]

Hi MissHabersham  

Thank you for your response.

No he is definately not at a space and place at his life where he wants to do soemthing regarding how his actions affects others he has lost so many friends and he is stubborn really stubborn and i guess he has to get there himself that I cannot really do anything about that

I dont know at this point if I am ready for such a rollacoaster ride... i miss him terribly and it is sad for me to see that someone that you love can be this way

But I have decided to give myself about 6 months to just focus on what I want and need and to find myself again find the true me again.

He is acting so weird and as if we not really broken up the only time I do hear from him is when he wants to come around to check on his fish tanks that is still at the flat and when he does he stays here forever he is distant and then warm then distant and then warm. I dont know if is perhaps because he feels guilty about what he did cheating on me and that he maybe dont know how to fix it.

But for now I guess I have to break free for myself and get myself sorted out

Thank you
L

[LillyLee123]

I am so confused

He phoned me yesterday to say he is coming over and will be making a nice breakfast for us he got to the flat started cooking all in high spirits and funny and witty and we had an awesome time, then after we ate our breakfast he took me to buy some fish for the fish tanks and walked around in the pet shop having loads of fun it felt like old times again with him and me whe got back home again and we planted my new plants into my fish tank and then we watched a movie one thing led to another and I slept with him and then after that we watched another movie cuddled and he told me he loves me and then he left kissed me goodbye and I felt half used

I was left so confused not knowing whether we are back togheter or not or what his plan was for doing what he did why did he come over why did he want to spend the day with me is this his way of softening me up so that he can come back without having to apologise for anything?

any advice?

[MissHabersham]

Sweet Lilly -- you've got a good head on your shoulders to give yourself some time to process and focus on what you need to be happy.

A typical borderline trait that my therapist mentioned recently that I hadn't really thought about is "desire to merge with another person" (an intense emotional intimacy/closeness) clashing with "fear of engulfment" (pushing everyone away and walling them off).  I've often frustrated partners with what they call "on again off again" affections -- so close one moment and so distant the next.  Though talking to him when he's not ready to accept he's got a problem probably won't do much good, and I see you recognize that.  You can't save him; he's got to do the work himself.

[LillyLee123]

Thank you MissHabersham

I am trying very hard its difficult as I still see him and that is confusing cause every time I do I cannot help myself reading into each move he makes asking why and it is tiring and exhausting

His mom watched this program on television the other day and she called me the program she watched was about bipolar people and children she cried over the phone she said that when she watched the program about bipolar she saw her son and she feels he needs to get help she thinks he is bipolar....

I feel what makes it even harder is the fact that I know that nothing I can say or do will make a difference if he does not WANT to get help or do something about it himself then as sad as it is there is nothing left for me to do... sometimes I also feels scared telling him I feel he needs help cause I feel I might loose him forever...

Its soo confusing as he is out with other woman all the time its like he is feeding his ego with them, like he needs it its like he wants to have it he is like craving the affection he gets from these strange woman entises and flirts with them like they fill up the emptiness inside him so sad to hear and see especially if you in love with this person....

I just wish I knew what to do... I am going on a long holiday so maybe I should use that time to really think about like you say what makes ME happy and find my boundaries

maybe before I go just send him an long nice email explaining how I feel and that I feel that he needs help and why I feel that way and that I wish in the future he will seek it... and then maybe go on holiday and cut all contact and keep it that way and just move on with my life....sad... but time heals right

Thanks for your advice and replying to my post it feels great cause i dont feel like i am lost here without someone to talk too :)

[tarzanjane]

I am sorry you have to go through this.  I have been married to an undiagnosed BP man for 20 years.  He is diagnosed with a mood disorder, which is kinder when it comes to insurance companies....
I have had a lot of the same blow ups, and it will only get harder when you have children; that's if you marry him and go that route...
I am now getting divorced, and I feel like I am taking my life back.  The hardest part with BPD, is you never know what to expect.. things are fine one moment, then something trivial sets off an emotional tirade.   He has alienated many friends and even family members.  I am fortunate to have wonderful friends, and I am working to repair much of the damage he has created with my family.  I know it is an illness, and I have offered support, and he is medicated, but continues to drink and blames all of us; including our children; for all that is wrong.  I cannot get past blaming our children who are wonderful, and also for making them question whether he loves them or not.
So.. I am offering you a glimpse of what might lay in your future if you choose to stay by his side, and he does not get the proper help.  I hope he gets the right help regardless of you staying or not staying.
Best of luck to you and to him, sincerely, I mean it.  It is not easy.

[tarzanjane]

Sorry, my above post was meant for you , lilly lee

[LillyLee123]

Hi tarzanjane

wow 20 years, what an eye opener it is to hear your story.
Are you currently living together? you saying you are taking your life back how did you manage to stay strong and keep your foundations through everything?

Did he leave you on numerous basis as well through the 20 years? did he ever flirt with other woman? Did he ever come back and say sorry or did he only acted as if nothing happenend?

[LillyLee123]

Another thing is that he will never admit that he has made a mistake ever he wont come to me and say hey you know what I should not have broken up I am sorry but I want you back, no he will act as if nothing has happenend and its like he is waiting for me to make things right, its like he is waiting for me to say hey lets get back together... why is that?
Its like he is playing for time as this is the way he wants things for now he wants the one foot in the door with me and the other foot outside so that he can be single, flirt around, have his freedom

how do you setup boundaries with them and how do you stay strong i guess what I am asking is waht will be the correct way in dealing with people like this?

his mom also said that throughout the years he has burn so many bridges with friends, that he makes friends so quickly but they see through him so quickly too then he messes up and he just walks away like they meant nothing to him... and so the cycle continues each time...