Need help with behavioral problems.

I am recently married to a woman with two boys, ages 13, and 15.  She was divorced 4 years ago and her ex husband has totally brainwashed the boys into absoutly hating her. They claim that she has ruined thier lives and are disrespectful, dishonest, sneaky, and abuse her verbally and mentally when I am not present. They do seem to be more respectful when I am present. Their father was a verry controlling individual who told her where she could go, who she could talk to, etc.  He has involved his sons in adult matters such as money, sex, and family matters that should be off limits.  For the first three years they lived with her and were  having visitation with their dad twice during the week and one overnight on the weekend. They begged to go live with their dad and were so abusive and disrespectful that last year she went back to court and had the boys go live with their father. Now the visitation is at our house twice a week after school and one overnight on the weekends. When they are here they go straight to their rooms and will not converse with us, refuse to follow any simple rules that we set, such as asking for something befor taking, swearing is not allowed, or just having simple manners and being courtious. They refuse to go anywhere or do anything with us and will not even get into the car when asked, unless going home. The emotional outbursts have gotten worse and we have even had to call the police on an occasion or two. At one point counseling was ordered by the courts, but the father said that they needed no counseling, that they were fine when they were with him, and if she couldnt control them that was her problem and just refused to go. We have called our local dept. of child and family services for help befor this escalates into violence, but every one has passed the buck in this matter and it seems they will only get involved when it is too late! We have exhausted our money with legea fees and seem to be up against a wall as far as getting any kind of counsuling. The father has told them many lies and has put them in the middle of this divorce and used them to get revenge on the ex wife for divorcing him, and dosnt seem to care that they are on such an emotional rollercoaster. You can actually see the change in them from arrival untill time to go home.  Their mother loves them very much and has tried to show them and offered to take them places and to do things, but they always refuse! It's almost as if they feel that doing something to make themselves happy will upset their father because they are not allowed to do anything with her. Trying to tell them that they are loved and that they could be happy in both places just seems to fall on deaf ears. I understand that the father was abusive to his own mother and now see that same traight in them. I also see the 15 year old being controling and verbally abusive to his girlfriend on the phone. Where can we seek help and counsiling for these boys befor it is to late to help them? We live in southeastern Conn. I am afraid to leave them alone with their mother because the abuse may escalate into violence.   How do we make their father understand how this is affecting them outside of his home? Any help we can get will be more then what we are getting now and we have exhausted our finances to the point that we can not afford to spend money on lawyers to go back to court and try for court ordered counsiling and the boys are trained to lie for their father and say untruthes to anyone in regard to the treatment of their mother. Please help!!  John in Ct.

[jo929]

I do hope that you do not get offended at my post, but the boys are 13 and 15 their lifestyle began early and this all should have been addressed when they were small the Mother should have put some boundaries for the children to follow, and she is at fault if they were this way at a young age they should have been punished in some way I am not putting all of the blame on her, but she had the right as a mother to help raise her children the way she wanted, also now they are a litle old for that, but if it were me i would set some boundaries or just send them home to dad, it seems like there is really nothing ou can do for them at this age have MOM tell them she loves them, bur will not put up with their ways and if they want to visit they will behave or not come back, this may sound harsh but they learned this behavior at a young age and it will stick. There are free clinics if the Father will agree, but it sounds like they were spoiled rotten when they were young and were not taught to respect their elders I do wish all of you luck. if it were my children they would follow rules or else just stay away    jo

[jo929]

I forgot to say that if you will post in thr Relationship column you will get lots of answers  luck  jo