Borderline Personality Disorder Community
Need to get some info..
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Need to get some info..

I have BPD and Bipolar 2, add to it a case of Lyme's and a few other things and I am pretty much a mess. The physical stuff is pretty much out of my hands, but I know that BPD is something that at least can be managed if a person understands the root of their problems. As a 46 year old man I was taught early on to bury any emotions, so I rarely open up like I am going to now. I am convinced my problems with BPD come from the fact I have serious abandonment issues. When I was 6 my Dad took off and I didn't hear from him again for over 20 years. The step Dad who replaced him was close to me, and after 7 years he too took off, never to be heard from again. The only real attention any of us kids got growing up was generally negative attention. My entire Mother's side of the family has issues, because every single father ran out. My two half brothers both have different fathers, they ran off. My Mom's Dad ran off, as did my Grandmother's. I believe the entire family suffers from BPD, and my Grandmother had a nasty case of bipolar disorder. Thus, for those afflicted with this disease, do you have similar stories? All I know is I either love or hate, there is no in between. When I love, it's intense, and when I hate, it's intense. I have gotten in many fights in my lifetime for this reason. I am tired of psych drugs and only take anti depressants now. I am trying to figure out the source of this personality disorder. I have no doubt I have it since I have every single symptom and have been diagnosed by several psychologists. I have spent at least twelve visits to psych wards in the last ten years. I more or less lived with these problems, until I got bit by a tick and got Lymes, which has been untreated for 12 years. After that everything hit all at once, and I lost all my friends, most of my family and all of my zest for life. I frankly could care less if I died tomorrow, at least the pain would go away finally.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi, and welcome to this forum.
I don't have BPD but my daughter does. She's 36 and was diagnosed a few months ago so we're still trying to learn everything about this disorder. There's a lot to know.
Have you ever heard of DBT? It's the best type of therapy for people that have BPD. From what I know about it you need to be committed for at least a year.
Another thing that I've read about and I know this to be true with my daughter, many of the antidepressants can actually make this disorder worse. Can you say what meds you're taking?
Hang in there, okay. There is a lot of hope for people that have BPD. You have to be committed to the therapy and truly want to get better. You will learn what your triggers are and what to do when those triggers come up.
I'm here to listen and help anyway I can.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Yeah I am pretty much an expert on the various mind medications out there, and know what DBT is. For the first part, I have found one anti depressant that works for me the best, plus it also happens to be a drug to help stop nicotine cravings, and that is Wellbutrin. With almost every mind med expect quite a bit of weight gain. I have tried virtually every combination at one time or the other, and found Wellbutrin for depression and Clonipin (in light doses) for anxiety issues or to prevent emotional outbursts, are the best by far. Never ever try Depakote, which is a "mood stabilizer" and anti-convulsant, because the side effects outweigh any benefit. Risperdal is another bad one, which is a anti-psychotic. With BPD we either completely love or completely hate someone, there is very little middle ground. Thus, because our love for others is complete and deep, we set ourselves up to be hurt constantly. So, at least in my case, I limit my close interactions to people who truly care, which basically is one family member and one friend. Often we can hate a person and then love them immediately after we calm down. It's a very strange behavior pattern, which I am convinced derives from being hurt emotionally a lot as a kid. It's a defense mechanism that prevents us from being hurt by shutting out many people. BPD is basically a system that modifies this behavior so the highs aren't as high and the lows not as low. I have found that simply being diagnosed and understanding the behavior pattern (it isn't an illness always remember that, it's important) is enough for me. I can thus modify my behavior accordingly. I am sorry your daughter has this, it is a trying thing for any family and for the person who has it. Please tell her she can contact me anytime, I am on yahoo at tonyw4322, and I will help out the best I can. It takes someone who has it to truly understand the problem.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm glad to hear you know about DBT. Many people that have been diagnosed with BPD do not know about it.
Funny you mention Wellbutrin. My daughter was tried on several meds over the years and did horrible on them. She did do good on Wellbutrin though. Many people that have BPD can not take SSRI's. It can make things much worse.
Yes, I do agree with you about shutting people out and the reasons why.
I'm glad to hear you've done better since being diagnosed. I think my daughter was kind of in shock at first and was'nt sure what to think. For years she was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I knew there was more going on than that. I thought maybe she was bi-polar but it just did'nt all fit. I researched BPD and everything fit!. She has been diagnosed by her therapist and a psychiatrist.
I would imagine both of you know the same amount of info on BPD. Since she is a member here I'll have her read your post. I think it does really help to talk to someone who can truly understand what you're going through. Thank you so much.
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Avatar_m_tn
I am a classic case of BPD, I am a cutter. Every time I get too stressed and can't talk to anyone I end up cutting myself, it clears my head very well. It's never to deep, just enough to draw a bit of blood. Weird, I know. I have extreme social anxiety. I used to give speeches in front of a lot of people with no problem, I worked in the grocery business for years, management level, and then the BPD hit full force and everything changes. Something triggered behavior patterns that I had developed many years before and I couldn't control them anymore. During this period I went through bankruptcy and a nasty Lyme's bite that tens years later has not yet been treated. That alone will cause a lot of mental issues, like the constant spaciness I have. I have a room mate who helps me with my meds and drives me to appointments. I have little ability to organize anything anymore, yet I used to do taxes for people for free. It is a very strange thing to deal with, from the family and the person afflicted with it. Communication is key. Tell her when you feel she is acting erratically, and assure her that your love for her is absolute and will always be. We seem to deal better when we are assured that people will stick by us. In my case of parental abandonment, and losing every single friend I had once I got very sick from Lymes, I am unwilling to open up to many , only a very select few. People who are real, compassionate, and who have gone through their own problems and can relate make the best friends to hang around. It is also very important for your daughter to have someone who can truly relate to chat with. I won't judge her, just listen and offer any advice I can and listen to any she has. Just let her know I am there to talk to anytime. When I was diagnosed, after being misdiagnosed with Bipolar 2, I read the symptom list. I had every single one of them and I knew without question I had found one answer, which is a huge step to fixing the problems. Because Lymes makes me very spacy, I forget many things, but I promise to check back on this site often. I have also given you my email address, just remind me if you email who you are so I don't delete. Lyme's is also very very painful when the flare ups happen, so I am taking an increasingly higher dose of pain killers. I get a lot more done, but they make the spaciness a bit worse. What choice do I have? After having Lymes this long it would take years of heavy antibiotics to even have a chance of eradicating it. Lyme's spirochetes burrow into muscle, brain, joints, spine and cartiledge (which has almost no blood flow so you can't get the antibiotics to the Lyme's). At best I can try to keep it from getting much much worse, to the point it can actually kill someone. Anyway, enough about that, just want you to know what I am working with in advance. On my bad days, which happen often, I am completely bedridden and don't get online, so tell her to never take it personal should I be away from the computer for a week or so here and there. What questions she has that I can't answer I will research to find the best answers I can find. Knowledge is power.
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p.s. As her and I get to know each other better and develop a good mutually beneficial relationship, I would be willing to give her my cell number so she could message me at any time, for any reason. That way, on the bedridden days, she can reach me with any questions, concerns, or just wants to chat. Just let her know that it is soooooo much better to know someone who has it . She will be amazed at how similar we are in the way we perceive things and the way we react to things. I am a very easy going guy, easy to get along with, and I never ever judge people. I just want to help anyway I can to give my current life some meaning again.
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Hi, Tony. I feel connected with your story. If you have time you can read my posts/stories here http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Borderline-Personality-Disorder/diagnosed-with-boarderline-personality/show/1951659 . I haven't met any therapist yet but I know that I have BPD symtomps. I wanna ask you,  till what point we can blame that our bad experiences/ reactions were caused by BPD. I'm afraid if I tell people that I might have BPD, they will think that it's only my excuse for my bad actions. I live in Jakarta, Indonesia. Personality disorders are not common here. If they know I meet psychiatrist they will think that I'm crazy. I don't have any family member/ friends which have mutual trust with me currently. It's very hard to try to trust someone because I tend to trust the wrong ones. Thx.
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Hi there tony1966!  I've been following your posts and the replies with a great deal of interest.  You've certainly struck up a kinship of kinds with '' remar '' and that's fantastic!  Understaning is what we Borderliners need but it's very hard to come by,  and I kinda understand folks reservations about us.  I am a 54 year old English lady and have been suffering BPD and all of it's horrible symptoms for over 31 years.  I was only officially diagnosed approx. 2 years ago,  therefore before that I received absolutely NO treatment.  During those many years before diagnosis I had many many addmisions to the Psych hospital,  held there for various lengths of time and then released back into a frightening unaccepting world.  I actually thought I was bi-polar,  or manic-depressive as it was called back then,  I was convinced I was BP but the Dr's wouldn't agree.  Different antidepressents were tried,  I became addicted to the '' benzos '',  to which I still have problem's today  (also in re-hab for painkiller addiction),  I become addicted to basically anything due to the BPD.  The '' ALL OR NOTHING '' syndrome is oh so apparent.  You hit a big raw nerve when you wrote about how you can intensly love a woman, but it can turn to hate extremely fast,  in an instant in fact - oh YES YES how I understand that!!  I've abused alchol big time but managed to stop completely for nearly five years,  still have to be very watchful that I don't slip!  I've also been obease and then '' dieted '' down to being anorexic and hospitalised to stop me dying.  So you see,  we have certain things in common for sure!  I'm still very extreme in everything I do even though I'm in therapy.  I absolutely agree with '' remar '',  DBT is def the way to go, def.  I believe another person mentioned it here too.  Yes my DBT one to one sessions are going well,  slowly but well.  I'm also due to start a course in group sessions on a programme called '' S.T.E.P.P.S ''.  This is an import from the US and is aimed only at BPD and nothing else.  I can't disclose the actual workings of it here because of the data protection etc, but I'll tell you the outline if you'd like to know at a later date  (when I'll have my poaperwork with me).  I hope you've found some contacts here,  I'm sure you will find support and maybe you yourself could help someone else.  I wish you luck and do leave a message for me if ever you think I could help you.  XXXXX
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Hi there tony1966!  I've been following your posts and the replies with a great deal of interest.  You've certainly struck up a kinship of kinds with '' remar '' and that's fantastic!  Understaning is what we Borderliners need but it's very hard to come by,  and I kinda understand folks reservations about us.  I am a 54 year old English lady and have been suffering BPD and all of it's horrible symptoms for over 31 years.  I was only officially diagnosed approx. 2 years ago,  therefore before that I received absolutely NO treatment.  During those many years before diagnosis I had many many addmisions to the Psych hospital,  held there for various lengths of time and then released back into a frightening unaccepting world.  I actually thought I was bi-polar,  or manic-depressive as it was called back then,  I was convinced I was BP but the Dr's wouldn't agree.  Different antidepressents were tried,  I became addicted to the '' benzos '',  to which I still have problem's today  (also in re-hab for painkiller addiction),  I become addicted to basically anything due to the BPD.  The '' ALL OR NOTHING '' syndrome is oh so apparent.  You hit a big raw nerve when you wrote about how you can intensly love a woman, but it can turn to hate extremely fast,  in an instant in fact - oh YES YES how I understand that!!  I've abused alchol big time but managed to stop completely for nearly five years,  still have to be very watchful that I don't slip!  I've also been obease and then '' dieted '' down to being anorexic and hospitalised to stop me dying.  So you see,  we have certain things in common for sure!  I'm still very extreme in everything I do even though I'm in therapy.  I absolutely agree with '' remar '',  DBT is def the way to go, def.  I believe another person mentioned it here too.  Yes my DBT one to one sessions are going well,  slowly but well.  I'm also due to start a course in group sessions on a programme called '' S.T.E.P.P.S ''.  This is an import from the US and is aimed only at BPD and nothing else.  I can't disclose the actual workings of it here because of the data protection etc, but I'll tell you the outline if you'd like to know at a later date  (when I'll have my poaperwork with me).  I hope you've found some contacts here,  I'm sure you will find support and maybe you yourself could help someone else.  I wish you luck and do leave a message for me if ever you think I could help you.  XXXXX
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Oh I'm soooooooooooooooooo sorry everybody!!!  I'm just so stupid because I've gone and posted twice, how silly can a person be?  I thought the first post didn't go through,  well I know now that it did, SORRY FOLKS!  XXXX
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Avatar_m_tn
Hello and thank you for sharing, it is wonderful that you opened up so much.  I was diagnosed first with Bipolar, which made sense because my Grandma had it very bad. In time, however, it became clear I had Borderline. I too have had many drug and alcohol issues. Currently I am on just oxycodone because of the Lyme's Disease, it can be very painful. I have quit everything else. It seems that I enjoy the company of animals and kids the most, because they love unconditionally, whereas I am constantly trying to figure a person out, and whether they even like me, or are the going to just use me. My emotions used to be so extreme that I could beat some guy up (I used to be a pretty decent fighter) one minute, then calm down and help him up and become his friend the next. I used to drive fast, take more drugs and alcohol than anyone around me and still function, juggle knives, anything that makes the pulse rate go up and people around me shake their heads thinking I am nuts. I have given up on caring what others think about me. The way I look at it is at least we acknowledge we have a problem and are trying to fix it, rather than denying it and never getting better.
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Hi, I will read your posts, thank you for responding to my posts. You asked to what point we can blame our actions on BPD. Well, since it is a personality disorder that we have developed over the course of a lifetime, I believe it defines every part of us. I only ask from those I am friends with or my family that they show me the same amount of dedication and respect and love that I show them, no more, no less. I have found, however, many people have to get more out of a relationship than they put in. We just have to face the fact we see the world in a different light than most other people. We have what I call a "sympathetic heart" where we would give our last penny to someone who truly needed it, then be very hurt when we needed a penny and absolutely no one offered any help. I think we can make great friends, and great enemies to those who offend us. Middle ground is something that isn't in our vocabulary. It is quite difficult for anybody on the outside to understand how we think. At this point I simply don't care anymore if they understand it or not. I am the way I am and am working on being the best possible person I can be each day. Sure, I am moody and emotional, but unlike many so called adults I can at least admit I have faults and try to work on them. Anyway, that is how I view life with BPD or any other mental illness.
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I had mentioned in some of my various posts my email number, which I didn't realize was against the rules so they got edited out. So I will just have to stick to messaging in this forum. I enjoy chatting with all you, it's a learning process for all of us.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you Tony.
You and my daughter do have a lot of the same symptoms. They can really vary though. She's never been a cutter but her self destructive behavior and being able to deal with things was alcohol. She's coming up on 2 years sober. I am so proud of her! She quit before she even got a BPD diagnosis.
Yes. I tell her all the time how proud I am of her and how much she means to me. We never end a conversation without saying I love you to each other, even if she's going through an episode. When she needs her space I completely understand ley her have it. I don't take it personally because I know people with BPD go through this and need to be alone. At other times she needs me and we can talk several times a day.
I'm so sorry your father walked out on you. And then your step dad took off too. When you have a child you are a parent for life. That's the way it should be.
I'm not sure if my daughter would call you because she's not good at meeting new people. We were just talking yesterday about how people look at her and think, my gosh! This is is such a beautiful young woman with everything going on for her. Extremely intelligent, caring, gorgeous.They have no idea how much she struggles everyday of her life. People can have a very hard time understanding any kind of mental disorder. Is this something you've found in your life too?
It is a learning process. I truly am glad my daughter did finally get the correct diagnosis so we know what we're dealing with. Would I trade places with her in a second? Yes I would because I love her so very much and don't want to see her suffer.I wish no one had to go through this because it's awful. Since her diagnosis we do know what we're dealing with so it makes it easier. We're learning what we need to learn about BPD and how to handle things as they happen. My daughter has come so far in the last few months even without getting in to DBT. She does'nt have health insurance yet and since she's a single young woman taking care of herself she just can't afford to go. There's a lot you can learn from books and the internet though. Her therapist has her doing the DBT homework even though the therapist does not specialize in DBT. Thank goodness she was able to get her hands on some of this info for my daughter.
Gosh! I've written a whole letter. Thank you for being there. I do appreciate it very much.
No, we can't post any personal info here like our email and such.
I'm so sorry about the Lyme's disease. You said you took antibiotics for a long time. Are you getting your body back in balance after taking them? Probiotics like yogurt and such will help do that.
Take care. Talk to you soon. Remar
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Avatar_m_tn
Actually I haven't had any treatment for the Lyme's, and since it's a spirochete design, like syphilis, it attacks the brain in much the same way. So it's tough to distinguish between BPD and the constant spaciness and mood problems I have caused by the Lyme's. So, I focus on the symptoms I had before the bite.Thank you so much for your caring, I can tell you love your daughter very much and she is lucky to have you in her life. In my particular case, only my half brother ever believed I had these problems. He played sports with me everyday and was like a father figure growing up. He knows how strong and tough I used to be, and now sees how completely overwhelmed with fatigue and pain I am now. So, he doesn't question my diagnosis. However, the rest of my family doesn't really seem to care much, and many blame all my problems because I partied a lot when I was younger, even though I have been clean for a decade and have more problems now than ever before. It's so impersonal in my family that, believe it or not, when I had pneumonia and developed septic shock a year ago, my Mom and Nephew and Sister in Law thought I was on drugs so wouldn't call an ambulance. My youngest daughter was in tears cause she knew something serious was going on. Finally, my other Nephew said whether or not he is on drugs is irrelevant, he is going to die. When I came to at the hospital four days later (all of them in ICU), my Mom was there. Instead of asking how I felt or telling me she loved me, she said "there's no reason to be mad" because she knew they almost killed me. The doctor said I had hours to live and if I was a decade older I would have likely died. My nephew told me later I was incoherent, didn't know where I was, and was having trouble standing and breathing. My Mom was my only visitor, and my brother was my only caller, all the rest I had to call. Some didn't even know I was in the hospital. So, my entire life has been like this. Most of my family has mental problems but won't admit to it. I just want to get better and be the best father and person I can be, so I constantly try to figure out how best to recover. I know it's too late for the Lyme's, it's cause far too much damage to come back from. I can barely carry on a conversation because I space off too much, and the fatigue and pain are ridiculous. All I can say to your daughter regarding how others will treat her is this, based on my messed up situation, many won't even believe there is a problem. They will chalk it up to a person just being immature or needy. That's because with mental issues there is still this bad stigma attached to any disorder. I have learned after a decade that the best way to go about it is to just tell those close that I have some physical and mental issues so I may be in lots of pain and tired and go up and down in how I act, but I am still the person you used to know and love and I will try my best to not let this interfere in our relationship/friendship. After that, never again mention it unless it's vitally important and she needs immediate help. At least use this method with her not as close friends and family that doesn't seem to care much. The few people, like you, who genuinely care are the ones to open up to. Have her bear in mind though that everybody has their limit on how much they want to listen to. Everybody has something wrong with them after all. I know my case is far from the norm, I just happen to live in a very uncaring and impersonal family situation. What hurts the most is these people knew me when I was an all star athlete, never missed work, gave speeches, had many friends. Now I am none of those, yet they don't seem to acknowledge or care that I am sick and have a mental disorder. Sometimes people just have to leave their families behind and treat their few close friends like family, which I am beginning to do. My room mates both see how bad I am and are ticked at my family. They can't believe how they treat me. My youngest daughter, half brother, and one nephew are the only exceptions in my entire family. Hopefully I don't sound like I am whining. I just want you to know my situation so that you know I may not be the best person to ask how to tell others. My motto is "less is best". Just give out basic info to those who need to know, and leave the deep stuff for that one close person, like you, and her therapist. Research the subject top to bottom to learn ways to deal with it.
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Avatar_f_tn
Your daughter is really lucky to have you :) Today I had another session of self-pitying myself.. Knowing that I might have BPD makes me feel that I'm a bad news to people around me.. it's better for them to stay away from me because Ican lead them to an awful relationship.. so many books written for dealing if u have someone u care has bpd.. the contents upset me.. i don't know how to value myself rn and i feel horrible.. i doubt people around me will understand about my case, it's easier for them to see it as my excuse.. i should have known to control mylife because I'm already a young adult.. but i dunno now and i feel lost..
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Hi again tonyw1966!  I'm really glad you replied to my message to you and firstly I meant to say last time that I was amazed when you mentioned you stay in  bed like 24/7 sometimes!  I honestly thought I was the only one,  I'm very embarissed by this behaviour because it's not '' normal ''.  When I'm on a '' downer '' I can't leave my safe place bed except to use the bathroom,  that's it though,  I can't function at all.  Also when these episodes eventually draw to a close,  I find I can't remember much about what was said to me during my '' safe place '' time out.  For example,  if my Dad (who I live with) tells me something,  or tells me what someone has said on the phone to me,  I don't remember anything about that happening - my brain has shut down.  I find these bedridden phrases frightening,  what would happen if I were alone and this happened?  I've never actually lived alone for prolonged periods,  I'm not capable with the severe mood swings.  It's the same with work,  there's nothing I can do for a living because I'm toooooo unreliable and the anxiety of worrying about when my next '' downer '' would hit makes me even worse! As regards to what you told me about Depokate and the weight issues  -  yes,  I knew about this and as an ex anorexic/bulimic/binge eater,  gaining weight is horrifying,  yet that's exactly whats happened,  I've gained 14llbs (one stone) and at first I actually felt like killing myself,  that's not a joke either.  Cutting was a better side track,  yes I'm a cutter too.  I have always felt I was not '' normal '' and didn't fit in,  I wanted to be '' normal '',  not the obese kid I was.  I've also always had to moderate my feelings torward people,  trying not to '' love '' them one minute or '' hate '' them the next.  Even now I'm forever trying to '' buy '' friends and a safe future,  terrified of abandonment and having no home.  Yes I can buy people at the moment but when the money's gone, what then?  Also I'm trying to come to terms with the weight gain but it's not working,  even though my Psych said there's no way the Depokate has put on my weight,  stating that it would have happened withing the first two months of treatment (it didn't happen then) so being fat is my own damn fault!!!  I agree that having places like this to share does make a difference.  Oh and I meant to tell you the name of the new DBT type therapy which is becoming available in the UK,  being imported from the USA.  It's called S.T.E.P.P.S.  This stands for  '' Systems Training (for) Emotional Predictability & Problem Solving.  There is a lot of individual and teamwork involved,  and homework.  I think you have found a very good medium of living to be your personal best for today,  it's all we can do and all we can hope for isn't it.  We were unfortunately born with BPD and we will die with it,  what we don't want is to die OF it.  We hopefully can learn to live with it and aim for a as full a life as the next person.  Sadly I feel I've already lost the best years of my life and I'm thinking of stopping the DBT etc so somebody else younger can make better use of this facility which is expensive to the medical system.  If I'd got the treatment 31 years ago I wouldn't be in the sorry position I'm in today.  This is why it's so importment to seek help and get a diagnosis as I'm sure you'd agree.  Thanks again. :-)
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I joined this forum to help my daughter. I want to thank all of you for the support you have given me.  Reading your stories and knowing what my daughter has been through is so hard. It is truly heart breaking. I just can't imagine a parent not being there for their child. It makes no sense to me. All of you are helping me to better understand what it's like for someone that has BPD. I do know a great deal about it already from my research and from my daughter. To talk to other people that have it helps me more than you could ever know. What I want most in life is for Tara, my daughter, to be happy, to live her dreams and to enjoy her life. Oh yes! I love her more than any one could ever imagine. Some of our family does understand and some do not. Tara does not have anything to do with the members that bring her down. Why would she?
I keep finding myself writing a book every time I come to this forum. I hope all of you don't mind.
I'm trying not to read some of the books out there because Tara asked me not too. Some of them can put all the blame on the person with BPD and that is not fair. All of you need as much good support as you can get because this is such a serious disorder. I try to read about ways to help Tara, not blame her in any way.
All of you are wonderful. I really can't thank you enough for the support. Please know that I'm here to support all of you too.
Tony, you sound like a great father who truly cares. I'm so sorry about the Lyme's disease. I'll have to research that because I did think there was treatment for it. It's hard to believe there is'nt.
Waggiedog, Please don't give up on your treatment. Try to hang in there because you deserve this.
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey there! Yeah my bedridden phases either come from an utter lack of energy and wanting to escape the world, because I simply don't feel I fit in anymore, or they come from the indescribable pain from the Lyme's disease, or both at the same time. You would think that I would sleep all day. To the contrary, I am an insomniac. I have been awake for four days now and nothing can get me to sleep. I tried Ambien for awhile and it seemed to work, but then all I did was sleep walk. I was caught by people talking to walls in this state, so I stopped taking it. Nothing else I have ever tried has helped, and I have tried lots of things. I too tend to "buy" friends. Of all the people I personally know, by far I am the most giving and generous. I hope that by showing this side people will see me for who I really am, and not see the illnesses I have. What generally happens, however, is those I am generous to grow to expect it and then try to use me. When that doesn't work they don't want to be friends anymore. I have put up such a wall anymore to prevent being hurt. The wall started when my Father, and then Step Father, took off without an explanation. As for Depakote's weight gain. Don't believe him, it happens well beyond the first couple of months. It's easy for him to say it's in the first couple of months because he doesn't take it, and he doesn't want any trouble from you down the road for excessive weight gain. I gained the weight over the course of just over a year, not two months. Too bad all of us who have this dreaded BPD didn't live closer, we would all make great friends. At least we would be there for each other in good times and in bad. Unlike my wife of 25 years who bailed on me after I got so sick I needed help. This was after she took all the money out of the bank accounts and left me completely broke. So, as my thank you to her, I am refusing to attend a class that finalizes the divorce. It's a dumb "how divorce affects your children" four hour class that is only designed to make money for the state. My youngest daughter is 17, I think she can handle it. I survived through my Mom's five marriages. Lori, my friend and roomie, is fed up with my family and how they treat me. She says I should change my phone number and never have anything to do with them again. When I told her about the pneumonia episode and the fact only my Mom bothered to visit me in I..C.U. for the four days I was in Critical Condition, she flipped out. When I went to the regular room after I.C.U. the only person who called me was one of my many brothers. I had to call everyone else, until I realized nobody even wanted to hear from me. I can forgive almost anything, but not this, not when I needed them the most. I had a fifty percent chance of dying, according to the doctor. When my Step Sister went to have a small portion of her bowel removed, the entire family was there visiting or calling or sending flowers. So, now I know how I stack up in their eyes, so I am in the process of moving on in life without them. When I finally change my phone out only my youngest daughter is getting my phone number, and maybe my oldest daughter because I want to keep in touch with my new grandchild. I am so empty inside because of all of this. It hurts to my core, and I just want to know why. I asked my Mom and all she could say is to stop being so needy and self absorbed. I asked her how I was being needy by simply believing my own family should care enough about me to at least phone me in the hospital one single time. Does anybody out there want my family? I sure in the hell don't anymore.
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Avatar_f_tn
I think having BPD is like being thrown into a vicious circle.. I don't want to be alone yet I find that it's hard to trust others.. I will push them eventually.. I try to make others understand by explaining what I feel but they will see it as an excuse, see it as a selfish act, see me as a self-centered person.. when I try to tell that i'm in pain, lonely, empty, and feel unworthy, they'll see me as an attention seeker... it's like people who have BPD is fated to be alone, to feel lonely.. We want to be loved but not sure that we deserve to be loved.. We want to love but too afraid of being abandoned.. I feel sorry that u have to deal with those horrible experiences.. I hope you have a great day..
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Avatar_f_tn
Thankyou dear ' remar '.  It's very heartwarming to read your touching posts,  not only concerning your unfailing devotion to your daughter,  but to each and every member of this BPD stronghold.  Even I,  as a long term sufferer have to admit that BPD IS very difficult to understand and sometimes most certainly IS extremely trying to live alongside.  On the many days/weeks/months when the sufferer goes into a self destructing '' downer '' it's draining to say the least,  both to the sufferer and even more I guess,  to the carer.  With all this in mind,  I have to give you a great deal of credit because there are,  and tonyw1966 is a prime example,  many Moms/Dads/family members who do actually give up and '' run for the hills ''.  Thankyou once again,  and yes,  I am feeling pretty **** at the moment,  but it's nothing new,  retreating to my bed for escape usually brings me back to the living world sooner or later.  :-(   :-)   <3 <3 <3 xx
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi love.  I have just read your last post and I will say straight away that I totally AGREE with EVERY SINGLE word you have said.  Indeed I'm always but always keeping people at arm's length (mainly much further) and delibretely pushing them away,  one,  to make sure they do not find out my '' real '' character,  not that I have one,  and two,   it's a kind of test to see if they make any effort to come back to me.  The latter is probably part of the '' abandonment '' part of BPD.  When the symptoms of BPD first appeared I really thought I was manic-depressive,  that's called bi-polar today.  The extreme mood changes,  the highs which always plummeted to the dreadful low's and then back up again.  This seemed to manifest itself in becoming an eating disorder.  The first '' diet '' which started in a sensible healthy diet ended in starvation and anorexia,  consequesntly I was hospitalised.  Yes obviously everyone was very worried and concerned because the mental problem had manifested itself in a physical problem,  much easier to understand than any complicated name like BPD.  All those years ago BPD was not generally know about in the UK and for some reason the Dr's wouldn't agree that I was bi-polar.  Anyway,  present day and sitting here as fat as a porker,  I'm heading into a '' downer '.  Having pushed nearly everybody away I actually can hide and retreat to my bed.  I'm not working at the moment but it's very very hard to work with BPD,  the up's and downs as you will know.  I too feel fated to be alone forever,  I want to be,  it's '' safer '' to push everyone away.  I too have been called an attention seeker a million zillion times and mostly by the so called '' professional ''  people of this world.  I too have been told I'm self centred,  yet I'm paranoid of hurting anybodies feelings!!!  I have put people to the test,  to see if I can trust and rely on them,  in 100% of these people - 100% failed dismeally and most ran as fast as they could in the other direction!!!  I feel I already know my fate,  to die alone and homeless (that's based on fact as home is only tempory),  tis indeed a sad and lonely existence being BPD.  Thank goodness for this BPD site.  <3 <3 <3  xxx
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Hi again tonyw1966 and thankyou very much for taking the time to write a nice long reply to me.  I can't write as much as I would like to write to you at this time,  but I most certainly will reply and I need to re-read your message so that I can reply properly and also answer/ask a few of your question/remarks.  What I will say right now is I def def DO NOT want your family and the sooner you can change your telephone number ( apart from your daughter) the better.  You have managed very well,  dispite the awful things that have happened to you,  basically alone, so that's the way fortward isn't it?  I'm comforted greatly to hear you say that you too have/maybe still do,  '' buy '' people.  I don't know that I mean to buy them,  mostly I like to see them happy to receive something that they never thought they'd get and at the moment I am in a position to be able to do that.  What I do know is that as soon as the money is gone - so will everybody be gone too,  that I DO KNOW FOR A FACT.  My future in the not to distant time is one of homelessness and hopelessness.  My funds WILL run out ( I'm not working, can't with BPD ) and my home is tempory.  It's not giving me any incentitive to be '' well '' knowing what the future really is.  Anyway dear friend,  for now we have this great understanding site where we can share,  so lets do that and help each other!  Thanks again and I WILL get back to you ASAP.  Hang in there!  <3 <3 <3 x
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Thx for sharing your story /hugs/ You are a tough person cause you're able to live with it till now. Reading the stories that have been shared here makes me feel that I'm not alone. There are some people who understand what I feel. I contacted a psychology center in my town this afternoon. I'm considering to get professional help although there are some parts of me that still don't trust them.. In my mind there are just some people whom I will pay to listen my problem.. I'm trying so hard to push my negative thoughts like "what if your psychologist will laugh behind your back while sharing your problems to others" "what if they just want your money so they will prolong your session" "what if you don't have BPD, you just overreacting cause you don't want to deal with your trauma" I decide to try a session soon maybe they know how to help me handling this before it's too late. I feel like I wanna throw up everytime my triggers come out.. I don't know how to ask my mom to pay for my session without letting her know about my condition tbh..
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Hello again tonyw1966.  I haven't seen you about on this site lately and I sincerely hope it's not because you have gone into a '' downer ''.  I'm trying to find a way to contact you somewhere here but so far have not.  I'm prob looking in the wrong places!!!  I'm very very fed up but heading fast into depression - I know all the signs,  well I should do after suffering borderline for the last 31 years.  Hope to hear from you sometime sooner or later!  XXXXXXXXXXX
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Hi there hun!  I'm just wondering where you are and how you are?  I haven't looked in for a while because I had no email update.  When you drop by do let us know how you are and if you're not doing so good,  then let us know that too and hopefully we can support you.  HUGS  XXXXXXXXXXX
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Avatar_m_tn
Sorry I haven't been on much, I have been doing the Facebook thing. I would send you my address for email and Facebook but this site will just pull it, I don't know about my phone number. I have been going through a particularly tough time right now because of continued family problems. I am full of anger all the time, and I hate being this way. The problem is with my family it doesn't do any good to get it out in the open, because nobody seems to be capable of doing anything wrong or interested in mending fences. Denial runs deep in many people, it just so happens to affect much of my family. I have always felt that friends and family will always show their true colors when times are bad, not when they are great. My room mate, who is like a sister to me, is so mad at how my family treats me she is ready to go off on them. I must tell you at this stage I have NEVER been the type to want or need sympathy, just understanding. When I was half dead in septic shock with pneumonia, my family proved their true colors and didn't even call me a darnned ambulance (only my nephew finally decided to, doctors said 4-5 more hours I would have been dead). You see, my Mom, Sister in Law, my other Nephew all knew I had a history of doing drugs, so they figured I was screwed up. I guess the fact I could barely breathe and was incoherent didn't bother them in the least. My youngest daughter was there and was crying, begging them to call an ambulance. Whether or not I was on drugs is besides the point, I had a medical emergency which was obvious to all. My blood pressure was 67/34 and my oxygen level was 82, which is about as close to being dead as one can get. The fact I had quit drugs a decade before eluded them, and I would never get messed up while my daughter was visiting. I only did drugs because I was self medicating from coming down with Lyme's Disease and Bipolar 2 and Borderline all at the same time. So, since I can't communicate with most of my family, I have this built up anger and don't know how to handle it. I don't want to dump everything on the few friends I still have. See, I have always believed in the "in sickness and in health" part of my wedding vows, my ex wife sure didn't. I have and always will stick by any family or friend no matter the illness. Now my own Mother believes all my problems come from drug use, even though it all started AFTER THE DIAGNOSIS of everything. I was the one hope in our family, my brothers were terrible in school. So, it was all on me, I had to go to college (and pay for it which is fine), I have earned my own way in life from 16 on, had to be an honor student, never got to go out with friends because my Mom was afraid I would screw around like my older brothers did. Everybody told her she was mistreating me and needed to allow me to have a life outside of school and work. To this day she won't admit to ever doing anything wrong, even though she lied to my half brother about who his father really was for decades. I wonder what I would be like if I had any semblance of a real family. I envy those families who can get together on Thanksgiving and just get along. We don't even do that anymore, so I sit at home and eat a frozen dinner. I am too damned sick to cook anymore, so I can't hold it. If not for heavy doses of pain medication I wouldn't even be typing this, I would be laying in bed in constant unrelenting pain from the Lyme's. Thanks so much for being one of the few who actually seem to care. Believe me, I don't vent like this to many people, but I gotta get it out. When I described my family situation to my psychologist he said my entire family needed help, yet I am the only one who will admit to having a problem.
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Avatar_m_tn
Sorry for such long posts. I start writing and don't realize how much I have written until I post it. Then it's "yikes, I wrote yet another book!" I probably repeat myself a lot in my posts, since Lyme's screws up my memory very badly and I don't go back and re-read my posts. I used to write in college and was actually published in a college writing manual on proper technique, although I don't remember the book's name. Please vent to me anytime you need to, that's what this forum is for, a place where we can all say how we really feel about life, family, friends, and our disorders.
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Hi, thanks for your concern :) It means a lot. I'm busy w/ my study rn.. My uni called my parents that I need to finish my final report or I have to resign before they drop me out.. my mom and dad met the head of my faculty and they apologized for my behaviour.. everybody who's around me don't have any idea about what has happened to me.. i was a good student, I was an assistant lecturer in my uni too.. it feels *****.. i wish i were not me.. I feel angry, ashamed, guilty to my parent.. fortunately, my uni gives me additional weeks to finish my final report.. finally,i told one of friends that i have bpd symptomps.. she hasn't finished her study yet so we're kinda close because we have the same uni problem.. we're kinda alike too, we create a safe distance to others.. not too close nor far.. she showed me her concern and didn't react negatively.. i think she's kinda understand because one of her family member has scizophrenia.. i hope i still can manage to graduate..

I hope you're doing well :D will talk to you again soon.. /hugs/
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Thanks for sharing your stories.. I don't mind reading your long posts which i can relate it to my experiences.. I also can learn from it.. most of the time people blame the drugs that ruin someone's life or the drug users who chose to consume drugs.. There are not many people who care enough to understand the real cause behind the action..  i oftenly misunderstand people action towards me most of the time. uhm, i just want to express that i feel grateful to meet you and others here. have a great day^^

P.S: Sorry if i made mistakes in my english grammar. English is my second language. It must be annoying for you to spot my grammar mistakes. Just kidding :D
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Avatar_m_tn
Actually your write quite well, especially considering English is your second language. I have tutored many people over the years to make them better writers in English. Mostly I have worked with Vietnamese students, so I have learned to look beyond the occasional errors and read the heart of the message. Thanks for the friend invite, I gladly accepted. Yeah I have been off drugs for many years now, and finally my Mom sees that it never was the drugs, but the diseases I have. They just happened to hit all at the same time so I went from being very outgoing and a public speaker to being afraid to step outside, depressed, in pain constantly, and usually bedridden in a matter of a few months. It was then I started doing some drugs so I could get through work. Unfortunately my family is not very understanding. That is why a place like this and people like you are so important to me!!! Thanks for being a friend, hugs and kisses back at you!
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Oh hello tonyw1966!!!  I've not been looking in of late because I didn't see any notifications in my in-box.  However,  the main reason is that I now have a kinda full time job in a riding school,  lots of stable work etc.  I used to work in stables and also had my own three horses, so this subject I do know a bit about.  I'm going to go back over all of the posts you have written and obviously the ones you have done to me (which I've just seen but not read!)  I feel SO SO guilty now,  on seeing you had written to me and I hadn't written back!  Please DON'T take that personally in any way,  it's literally that I haven't been on line so much recently.  Right,  I'm off now to read what's been happening with you!  I'm not bad now,  had a complete nose-dive before I found the voluntary stables job and was heading into depression - managed to save it so it didn't get that far down.  Take care.  HUGS   XXX
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Oh dear - and that's being very very polite!  There's much more colourfull language I'd like to use in response to your heart wrenching message, about your families disgusting behaviour to you!  I find it extremely hard to understand how anybody,  even more so a mother,  can't be assed or bothered to try and help their nearest and dearest (or should be!).  They surely see you and have seen you,  going through some distressing worrying times and because of this I can't make them out.  My family didn't have a clue what my issues were,  but it never stopped them loving me or trying to support me,  even when I was absolutely horried (and I was!).  Thankyou so much for all of the sharing you've done with me and I wish we could give out our email address's but I understand the reasons why we can't do this.  OMG I thought I had it hard,  but you have things many times worse,  what with the bi-polar and the Lymes - tough times eh?  By sharing here though,  you and the other folk can provide a lot of insight into the various disorders,  our posts,  no matter how long or short helps no end.  I will be looking in much more now as I def do NOT want to miss anything that you may write to me.  My new job as a volunteer at the equestrian centre is good for me I feel.  My psych Dr and the mental health team were keen to encourage me to do some work but to be honest horses are the only thing I know.  I was a trained chef when I left school but no way can I do this,  not with active eating disorders,  it would bring all that problem up into the forefront again and I'm doing oki on that front.  I'm also now riding out so keeping really busy,  I need to be busy to stop me thinking bad stuff,  which always happens when I've too much time.  Anyway hun,  I'm sending you good positive vibes and do keep posting here,  you are DEF helping yourself and others too without a doubt.  I'm here if you need me too.  HUGS                 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Better just say here that I need to apoligise for and in advance of my extremely bad spelling and grammer!   Yes I most certainly DO know it's bad and I also know I shouldn't make excuses!  I have no excuse other than,  if I had to keep looking up the correct spelling and grammer of everything I write,  then I'd never get to write anything!  So yes,  I am sorry but please could you bare with me!   Thankyou friends!   HUGS    XXXX
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Avatar_m_tn
Hey if it wasn't for spell check I would spell a lot of words wrong. We understand what you are writing, that's all that matters. Last night I had one of those nights where they pain from Lyme's was so bad that even narcotics didn't help. Nothing helped. Finally I fell asleep and it must have taken a physical toll on me cause I couldn't get out of bed for hours. I hate the flare ups associated with Lyme's Disease. The arthritis aspect is getting bad in my spine and hips, it's getting hard to get into cars. I am only 46, I shudder to imagine life ten years from now. There is a song where the lyrics go "it's better to burn out than to fade away...", I have lived much my life like that, very fast. I spent many years playing guitar and partying harder than virtually anyone I have ever met. In fact most of the people who know me shake their heads in disbelief that I am still alive. My brother and I have the same competitive and addictive personality, and we are both sick as dogs now. Go figure.
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