Personality Disorder

Hi, I have been in therapy since I was 12. I have DID or multiple personalities as I refer to them, and recently they have all collided and my world is out of control. My therapist is not cognitive in this field and can not reach me, I fear for my life because I feel in grave danger because of the state I am in. The memories are swallowing everyone up I've resorted to all numbing behaviors to function ie. sex, cutting, alcohol, excessive weed smoking, overuse of prescribed med use and smoking cigerettes. I'm so lost I don't know where to turn except to suicide...

[Jaquta]

I think that it would be appropriate for you to contact your therapist or to talk to someone at the hospital.

Actually go to the hospital.  This needs to be sorted rather urgently.  I think that until you get a level of containment you may not be able to find yourself.

You may also find a psychoanalyst quite helpful (after this crisis is resolved).

Good luck.  Sorry for taking so long to respond to your post.

[janice150]

Unfortunately, I just got out of the hospital two weeks ago. For some reason they weren't giving me my anti-depressant and all I was doing was going further down hill. I knew I was still suicidal but all I wanted to do was get out of there because something inside me told me staying would make me worse. I always check my meds but this stay I was so distraught I just took them without even looking at what I was taking, so basically while I was there I was only on medical meds not psych meds. The Hospital doesn't help, it's just a place for me to stay safe and not kill myself and sometimes I'm even leery of that. For now I'm just staying high or drunk, or when I go to work I take extra seroquel just to make it thru the day, or just in case they ask why I'm so stupid I can say I'm on extra prescribed meds, without getting into trouble. I can't let myself be in my body it's just too dangerous...Thankyou for your input it helped a little to know someone read it.

[Jaquta]

Hospitals can sometimes make things worse.  I guess you just have to trust yourself to make the best decision for yourself at that time.
It doesn't make sense that the hospital wouldn't give you psych meds.  Were you in a psych ward?  I just assumed that it would be.

Yes, but the 'extra' of the prescribed meds is you self-medicating.  The extra isn't prescribed (or is it?).

I was partially listening to a Jon Kabat-Zinn CD on mindfulness meditation.  He was talking about dissociating, etc to help deal with stressful events.
Have you tried mediation or other ways, besides the alcohol, etc, to relax?  If you could get your anxiety levels down some that would help.  What are things that you would generally do to relax that work?  Has anything helped you to regain control when things have been this bad in the past?

I guess your disorder is similar to bpd in the sense that anxiety is at the core of both.  In bpd we tend to split off a lot of parts.  In therapy the goal is to help contain (hold) these parts and to integrate them.
Because things are so bad for you at this time I believe what you need is containment.

The previous doctor, Dr Gould, on the mental health expert forum was particularly good.  You may like to type in DID or multiple personalities in the search bar and scroll through some old posts in the forum archives.

If it helps you to talk, keep posting.

[janice150]

Yes I was in a psych ward, I was in the State hospital. Why they were not giving me my psych meds I don't know, there has been a lot of cut backs and the place is like a zoo!!

I realize the extra meds I'm taking is self medicating,I hoarded them for that purpose! And I know I sound totally out of control here but I thought a doctor was going to help me here, not some off the street wanna be therapist!!!

You think if I could relax without selfmedicating I ****** would! Cause no **** I'm totally not enjoying the state I'm in right now!!! I have no idea where I am and I'm being chased by voices and memories and my entire nervous system is on overload!! I can't stop shaking and the only way to function is toself medicate!! I have kids to feed and I have to go to work..So I just live on the edge of darkness hoping to survive another day..People keep asking how can I help, well if I ****** knew that answer, I wouldn't be here right now would I???

[Jaquta]

That sounds like a fun place to be then.  Not!

Oh dear.  Hoarding isn't a good sign either.

Most doctors are on the expert forums.  If you want medical advice then you need to visit one of those.  I would usually refer people to the mental health expert forum but they have recently changed over experts and to my knowledge the new doctor isn't taking posts just yet.  You could try posting on the new mood disorders expert forum but again it has recently been set up and the expert hasn't answered that regularly.
The internet will always have limitations though and no advice here can replace that of health professionals where you are.

OK.  I hear you.

My advice would be to talk to your own doctor.  I feel hurt that you are attacking me.  I was trying to offer advice and support.  I have not been well either and I don't need abuse from someone else.

Try one of the expert forums (or a related community forum).  Hopefully someone else can give you a different perspective because I don't think what you are doing is either working or healthy.  I just think you need to go back to your treatment team.  Talk to your therapist, etc.

[janice150]

I am soooo sorry!!!!! I realize after browsing around these forums it's just for support... I didn't mean to hurt you I'm just in a lot of pain and I have know idea where I am or where to go. I thought last night would be the end. I wanted so bad to take all the pills but I'm afraid of being caught and living through it agsin. Again I'm sorry for attacking you...

[Jaquta]

I was insensitive.  I shouldn't have snapped at you.  I too feel frustrated by the lack of support offered to me and can partly understand how trapped and unwell and frustrated you feel.

Taking excess meds isn't the answer.  I have been there too.  Being in icu on a ventilator isn't the worst thing that can happen though.  There are other things much worse.
Would you want to do that to your kids though?  Leave them without a mother.

In my experience the best thing is to allow your treatment team to help you.  Be honest with them about how you are and what you're thinking and feeling.  There should be a balance there somewhere where you can ask them for help (but feel safe doing so).
I was threatened with ect for suicidal issues I had so I have to negotiate support that feels safe for me.

I'm sorry for coming across as unsympathetic, etc when I do care and are trying to provide good advice.

I hope you have a better day today.

[janice150]

Unfortunately. my treatment team is playing a major role in my depression right now my therapist has cancer. I don't know if this is the reason for her non existent help, but when I got out of the hospital i tiold her everything I was feeling and doing ie. drinking cutting, etc... she said I was on a very slippery slope and to make sure I called the next day. Well i didn't instead I was with this guy and I got trashed all day. I saw her about 5 days later trashed out of my mind and screamed at her you can't help me, and that was a week ago, she hasn't been in touch since... My friends and family for years have told me to get a new therapist so I put in a call to a new center, so will see. Still feeling suicidal and drinking and using meds to get thru the day... But at least I'm still here. Thanks for talking to me Jaquta.

[Jaquta]

It doesn't help when a therapist is unwell themself.  I had a T who became pregnant and she wouldn't allow me to bring any new material to my sessions with me.  It was frustrating for me and then I became resentful because her pregnancy was progressing and if anything I was going backwards.
I have a close relationship with my doctor and I sometimes worry excessively that he, or his family members, may become unwell and that I won't have that support.

Having cancer does not mean that your T will die.  I had surgery and radiation ?last year for breast cancer and apart from being tired and stressed I am OK.  Having cancer can be a distraction and it can make a person emotionally unavailable.
People with physical illnesses get way more emotional and physical support than those with mental health issues.  It feels invalidating to have people ignore you when you are suicidal but to have them sympathize when you have cancer.
I would say that mental illness is a far worse battle to have to fight.  It is so debilitating.

I don't think even a semi-decent T would allow you to continue like that.  Can't she see that you are in pain and need support?

It sounds like with the lack of certainty around your T and her not helping that accessing a new one could be a good option.  I hope the process doesn't take too long.  I can't imagine being placed on a waiting list would be very helpful.

That's the main thing I guess.  While you are alive you can still make changes.  Has anybody mentioned the dbt skills to you?  They might be helpful in your situation.  Anyway, part of the philosophy is that you try to make a life worth living but during the really bad patches just try not to make things worse.

I'm glad you're still here.  You sound like a good person.
It is I who should be thanking you for talking to me.  I understand how distressing and upsetting it can be when you're unwell.  I know that talking can sometimes be really hard but ultimately I think that is what helps us.

Do you talk to your friends and family?  My family don't understand so I often don't talk to them.  I do share things with other people though (my doctor, an old T and a phone counselor).

If you could, would asking your family for support with your kids, help you at this time?  I mean, would that take some pressure off you so you could have some space to yourself.  Is space a bad thing for you at the moment?  Some people need people around, others don't.

Keep talking here if you find it helpful.

[janice150]

i'm sorry to say but your conversation about the therapist confused me a lot...Not that that's not hard to do at this point. my family is not support never has been. My kids ar 24, 20, 19 and almost 16. They know I'm suicudal but because I have been so many times they just ignore me they have no idea how serious my condition is at this time and they are making things 10 times worse. my 24 yr old just moved back in and my 19 yr old won't let her in her bedroom so she took my room and I'm on the couch! I feel like my life is just deteriorating before my eyes...

You''re kinda right..I was a good person, but she's dead now, and now I'm here, not such a good person.  I hate and I hate with a vengeance and I could care less who gets in my way. It's showing up in my job and in every asset of my life. My intention is to destroy every relationship, so that i will not be missed so that I can leave without guilt.

talk to you again

[Jaquta]

I just thought that your T should be able to see and understand how distressed you are and to do something about it rather than let you continue to struggle.
I think you need containment and that can come from a good T.

So your kids are old enough to cope and to manage by themselves if need be.

Whose house is it?  You should stand up for yourself and take your room back.  Your daughters can share.  Having space when you are that stressed is a necessity.  If things get really bad you always have a place to go where you can shut the door (if it has a door.  We've only had walls and doors for the past year or so.).
I think that you should insist on having your room back, for your sanity and because your daughter is being disrespectful and seems to be taking it and you for granted.

You're the same person.  Even if you were to split a personality off you are still you at the core and a good, decent human being.

That's how I was after I was discharged from hospital.  I was angry, I was frustrated, I was unwell and I was vulnerable.  I was also extremely anxious.  More than anything I was just extremely angry.  I don't generally swear and every word was f this, f that.  I didn't care.  I called my mum a *****.  I was rude, I was obnoxious and I was out of control.
I hated everything too.  I hated myself, I hated my life, I hated my family, I hated my doctor, I hated people who were trying to help me.  I hated the cat for wanting to be petted.  I hated the dog for barking.  I hated the traffic for going so slow.  I hated everything.  I recall writing a letter to my doctor and I remember writing I HATE, HATE, HATE.  It was all capital letters and left big indentations in the page.  There was so much anger and frustration and hurt and rage.

I don't know if anybody could ever go without leaving someone feeling guilty.  I felt guilty and responsible when a kid shot himself and another jumped off a building.  I felt guilty and ashamed when I made mistakes.  I even felt guilty when my cousin hung himself last year.

Can I ask a question?  What would you like to change or what would you like your life to be like?
I would like to be married, to have children, to be fit and healthy, to have friends, to have a job, to be secure and confident, to be flexible, to be intelligent, ....
I would probably also like to work towards a degree in health care (a nurse, a psychologist or a paramedic).

What would you like to do or be and what would you need to do to make it happen?

Maybe I'd like to travel some.  Have enough money to buy a house and a car.  Go to the gym.  Access a good therapist.  Learn to type a little faster.

[janice150]

Honestly I don't want anything I've had it all. The house the great job the kids the great love of my life that left me,  I exercise every day, I eat healthy I've lost 20 lbs in the last 4 months and I'm still working towards losing more,  I registered to go back to college a month ago and then reality set in and i realized i was out of my freakin mind! There isn't anything I want, i have no more dreams left to fulfill  have even traveled.

i didn't see my therapist today, so my psychatrist called and reminded me I was on a conditional discharge from the hospital, and if I didn't go to see her he' put me back in. I told him she's making me worse but he didn't want to listen. She didn't even call to find out why i didn't make it.

my kids are very frustrating to say the least, still on the couch. I've been battered and bruised my entire life by every human being that's touched me and now i let my own children do it... I'm not a victim I'm an *******!!!

[Jaquta]

I feel a need to nurture you and mother you.  That feels like the way sometimes and that is when you're down you get kicked and beaten/ run over.  Someone once knocked me down, then ran me over.  Stuff just seems to happen to some of us.

You're lucky that your psychiatrist gave you a warning.  I had my leave revoked and ended up being threatened with ect.  It was pretty traumatizing.
Somedays now I wish I was on a compulsory community treatment order so that I could justify health visits.

Can you ask to see another therapist?  It doesn't help when a T doesn't show any concern.  Phoning would at least communicate something to you.

[janice150]

I can't thank you enough for taking the time every day for writing to me. No one knows where i am right now and the fact is I don't want any one to. I don't see a solution. The hospital at this point just looks like it would make things worse and I know that would be everyone's answer.

I burnt myself yesterday. Three times on my wrist. i took my cigarette and put it out on my wrist and now I have these blisters. I can see myself doing it but don't have much recollection of what it felt like or why it happened. I'm a cashier at Hannaford, which is a grocery store so I don't look forward to the stares today or the questions from the fools that might ask what happened. my kids haven't seen them yet, I'm sure they're going to flip their freakin lids when they do. I have to work an 8 hour shift today which i never ever do, but they needed the help and I need the money so i volunteered I just hope i make it thru.

Thanks again for always writing back I appreciate it!!!!

[Jaquta]

The problem with most health care systems is that they have to fix the problem.  I think in doing so they lose us in the process and end up doing more damage.  It would be nice if people could work with us with where we are.  Many just use an old model of care in which the patient is a passive recipient of care.  Forcing stuff on us doesn't help though.

I guess that is what they mean by dissociating.  Once you get to a place where you can start to look at thoughts or feelings or even events then things should start to get better.
Maybe you could try ice or a rubber band on your wrist instead of burning which can scar you permanently.

You don't want people to understand where you are because if they did they would lock you up?  Did I understand that correctly?  It's a difficult place to be in.
My doctor phoned today to say that after nearly two years he has found a doctor who can give a second opinion on my care.  I feel over it.  It seems like nobody is ever there when you need someone and when you shut yourself off and don't want to talk to anyone, there they are.  It's hard to know what people would advise after hearing me talking about what I think and feel.

If you have a decent treatment plan then you should be able to move forward.  That's how it should work in theory.

I hope work goes well.

I enjoy talking to you.

[janice150]

What a long freakin day!!! OMG I didn't think I'd make it thru... thamk God for my seroquel because after 4 hours I started to shake like crazy and I took it and calmed down. No one said anything about the burn holes in my arms which I was grateful for. And rubber bands ya doesn't work, when I want to hurt I cut the hell out of my stomach which right now looks like a road map and burning well it was what it was.

My therapist called me while I was on break today, threatening me to come see her saying I know your hurting right now, how the **** would she know she hasn't seen me for two weeks!!!! Anyhow I said I'd stop in for a few minutes on monday. I have an appt tomorrow with my psych he'll probably hospitalize me who knows, I think i'll lose my mind if he does... it's just not where i want to be... course honestly i have no idea where i'm suppose to be right now i'm so lost...

[Jaquta]

Someone was once told to explain her scars by saying she had been in a ski mobile accident.  Whatever works.

The psychiatrist who spoke to you would have spoken to your T and given her an update.
In some respects I hope he does hospitalize you.  You have been sounding slightly calmer though but I expect there is a world of pain under all that.

I find the subject of accessing support quite difficult sometimes.  While I can acknowledge I need the support I don't need the pressure of being in a place that is more stressful and having to let my family know that things aren't great.
Often while I would like the intervention and safety I feel so overwhelmed it just isn't worth the effort.  So I pretend things are OK or bury the pain somewhere and try to plod on as best as possible.  Sometimes things get easier over time but sometimes they don't, they get worse.

I would suggest going for a full length session with your T.  Also good luck for your psych appointment.

Let people help you and guide you but also talk to them about what you're thinking and feeling.  That way everyone is on the same page and you're not constantly fighting each other.  I hate it when support feels like a tug of war.

[janice150]

I think the calm you hear in my voice is the safety i feel when i talk to you. Outside of this forum, I return to a whirlwind of running from what's chasing me.

last night i got wasted and burned myself again and these memories came rushing in it was the weirdest thing... my brother penetrated me when i was 4 yrs old and i have been raped at least 2 other times that i can recall. Well when i burnt myself it felt the same only i enjoyed it. I somehow remember enjoying being raped? Is that crazy or what?

Well if you don't hear from me tomorrow know that i;m in the hospital, and i will write back as soon as i get out.

[janice150]

I am so freakin high right now. my anxiety level today was crazy. I was so enxious about being sent to the hospital that i cancelled my appt with the psych. Then the voices were out of control and the burn marks ar just a reminder of how funkin crazy i am right now, so ive been taking seroquel every 2 hrs to try to calm my heart down and be able to breath. right now i feel the calmest i guess cause i'm so stoned or it might be cause the dr leaves the office in an hour and i know i'm clear for the weekend. Clear for what i'm not sure of because weekends i'm most suicidal for some reason...

i keep walking around saying i don't care if i go to jail... I talked about that on another site, I haven't paid a bill for two years and it was court ordered to do so and i lost the bill and then i just stopped paying it. Well now the lawyer is pissed because he has been trying to get in touch with me via phone and mail and i kept ignoring him cause i thought it was for another credit card i owe money on. So now the judge has the right to impose a $500 fine and/or jail time, plus I will be ordered instantly to pay the money i owe or go to jail because i'm in contempt.

Well, for a family of 4 our grocery bill is $95 right now, which is ****. I have no extra money at all. which means i have to go to jail to pay off what i owe. and from what i hear it's $20 a day towards what you owe.

Anyway, I say the words but i can't get in touch with that reality. My whole life i always said i have two fears, going to jail and burning in fire to death. I just find it ironic, and why not me? My life has completely and entirely sucked and maybe just maybe if i'm bitchy enough to the meanest ***** it there they'll kill me!!!!!!!!!!!  

[Jaquta]

I get that when I go to my doctor.  My life feels like it's in chaos or falling to pieces, yet when I see him things feel fine, then when I go home the crisis begins again.  Sometimes it happens the moment I step outside his office.

So talking here is containing.  I think that containment is something we strive towards in our own lives.

No, not crazy.  Memories can manifest in many ways.
I'm not even sure I could or should interpret that.  (Could be dangerous from a wanna be T off the streets.)
It could also be that you feel that you need to be violated to be loved or nurtured.  Being abused could feel soothing to you, maybe because somewhere you believe you deserve it or don't deserve better.
On a more general level I am the same.  I don't tolerate compliments or praise, etc very well.  In my life I am so used to being abused that positive things feel dirty and anxiety-provoking.  It has taken a long time for me to be able to self-soothe or do nice things for myself.  Often I have to justify them to myself by saying that they are for my health.
While criticism, etc hurts I feel much more comfortable with that and I don't feel stressed or anxious about why it is that people are being nice to me or wondering about their motive and what they want.

I think it's because it's the end of the day for the doctor.  I know you are desperate for help yet extremely frightened.  Canceling your appointment will make you feel more anxious in the short-term.  I have done stuff like that and my anxiety levels just go through the roof and I feel on edge in case someone sends the police or whoever or makes me go to hospital.

The weekends can feel worse because you are alone.  If you need support the doctors, etc aren't there.  It is just the after hours team or psych emergency team.  Emotionally it feels like you have to deal with the whole weekend by yourself.

That stuff's just crazy when you are unwell.  You need help to help you sort through all that.

Do you have bpd by any chance?  You talk about multiple personalities but you seem to have traits of bpd too.

What if you were to cut back on the drugs, etc?  Do you think you could save a little that way?

Putting you in prison would be a huge mistake when you are clearly unwell.

Cops would probably tazer you instead and not shoot you.  I wouldn't go there though.

Probably you are also stressing because you know that your doctor will be gone soon and won't be able to help you.

Likely it's too late now but could you call him?  Too late?  I would phone the out of hours service and ask for help.  Help them to help you.
I think you need to sort some of the stuff out.  The court stuff is just going to hang over you and stress you out until something is done.

Suicide is not an option so don't even consider that.  Could you call a suicide hotline, etc for advice and support?  It's another contact.  Another person to talk too.

Take care.  I hope that if at any time you feel you really, really can't deal with anymore that you call the police or go to the hospital.
I can't say I ever liked hospital but I think it wasn't a bad thing that happened to me.  It has helped me to learn so much about myself.  About how strong I am, etc, etc.

Please ask for help.

[janice150]

i covered my wrists with band aids, that was a good idea cause they look nasty. last night i got trashed drinking and smoking weed then i burnt my stomach, it was like an addiction it was the most amazing feeling in the world...

I know i'm crazy and out of control but somehow i feel more in control now.My thoughts are crazy or i don't no just different.

[Jaquta]

Just keep checking your cuts and burns don't get infected.
Do you think that any of your behavior could be due to the drugs?  Some people have really bad experiences from smoking weed, etc.

I understand but it's still pretty self-destructive.  I would still be asking either your therapist or psychiatrist for help.

Careful with the drugs they can cause you to become psychotic and do stuff you otherwise wouldn't.  Same with the alcohol.  Sorry for sounding like a parent.  Just doing it because I care and don't want to see you hurting any more than you already are.

I hope you've had an OK weekend.  Is Sunday evening here.

[janice150]

I wouldn't know what they would look like if they were infected? Sorry don't mean to sound like a child lol.... I don't think the drugs and alcihol are making me psychotic, this is just where I need to be right now to deal and I'm ok with that. I've really come to a place of calmness about it. So if i hve to hurt myself once in a while drink smoke weed , whatever. I'm going to work I still walk wveryday, my house is clean i do my chores, I'm just not emotionally available to anyone.

I know that sounds like it's probably the most important, but wheen I think of her, when I think of that woman that used to live here I hate her frigin guts. and i don't want her back. It's sunday morning here 6:40 to be exact i go to work at 9 I hope you had a good weekend.

[Jaquta]

Is Monday morning here now, nearly noon.
I don't understand about the other woman (a split off personality??).
What about this person don't you like?  What did she do?

I feel exhausted.  I feel like going to bed for a short period.

[janice150]

Yes she is another personality, someone that lives in a fantsy world, I guess that is what i hate about her.

I have todo double duty today. See my doc and my T. Back to back sessions. Then i have togo over to the emergency room cause my burns are infected. i didn't know how to take care of them so now they're infected.

hope you get some rest today.

[Jaquta]

Is it a fantasy world or a world of hopes and dreams and of possibilities?
I'm wondering if I'm doing the same sort of thing regarding my weight.  I sabotage myself every time I lose weight or are at goal.  Seems to be some aspect that I am afraid of or dislike.  I haven't sorted all that out yet.  Maybe I just don't get that me or my sense of self or my personality remains pretty constant regardless (with the exception of self-confidence, etc).  It would help if a T could work through it with me.

It sounds like a busy day.  I'm sorry I didn't provide info on how to treat your burns.  I'm sorry they've become infected.
I hope all your appointments and work goes well.

Good luck.

[janice150]

Well because my burns were infected and there were so many they revoked my CD. I went in to the hospital Monday night and came home on Wednesday morning... The point of that that... Anyone anyone... who the hell knows the answer to that question????

Unfortunately my T and psych think that my depression is because she my T has cancer...that made me almost go thru the f'n roof, cause where i am and what i am going thru has nothing to do with her it has to do with the fact that my memories came crashing thru and my body couldn't deal, but you'd think they'd fkn know that wouldn't you!!!! I am so fkn sick of this therapy sht because it gets me no where because who the hell is paying attention.

I'm the eighth child of nine I was raised to be ignored I don't need to go to therapy to reinvent the wheel. Yet they insist on it!!!

I understand about the whole fantasy world i have noticed my eating has gotten worse over the last 2 weeks, I gave up sugar and flour in april and recently it's crawling back in and i'm making excuses about walking and not doing it, but I'm doing it today no matter what and back on track with my food. I don't give a sht how depressed i get these two things are a must , I don't know why they just are, even if i'm cutting drinking whatever they are a must!!!

[janice150]

It's just after 12;30 in the morning here and i can't seem to sleep. I had a session with my psych today and it was very intense. He told me he was hurt by what i had done the other day. By going over to the er and not telling him i had burned myself and having him find out by a third party. He said it made him feel deceived.

He also said that he feels that i am a very dangerous woman right now and that people around me are just waiting for me to kill myself. Weird cause i was having this discussion with my 24 yr old and she mentioned not blaming her brother for my committing suicide when it happens. Like the kids have finally all come to terms with it being inevitable.

At work things seem to be crumbly down around me and i don't know here i'm just this robot pretending to fit in so no one knows how exactly far away i really am...  

[Jaquta]

No point really.  I guess it gave the staff time to treat your burns and also being only a short admission made you aware that it is you who has to take responsibility for you.  People sometimes think we become too dependent on them and hospital but like you say, hello it would be nice if you could provide some decent support so we don't reach that stage of a crisis which many of us just seem to live in at times.
I believe many health professionals treat us disrespectfully and inadequately or inappropriately.  I think this is damaging but I'm not sure of a better alternative.  I think in most places whole systems need an overhaul.

I have had a number of rubbish psychologists whose treatment left me feeling severely suicidal and homicidal.  I would recommend seeing another T.  Psychoanalysts are great in my opinion, but then I am biased because the only good T I ever had was a psychoanalyst.

It doesn't sound as thought they are listening to you.  What would you like them to know or do?  Sometimes we don't know ourselves and I think that listening and guiding us towards becoming healthy is their responsibility.  That's a bit scary if you really think about it.  Would you really trust these people more than you would trust yourself?
Maybe that's the problem, we need listening too on our terms and in our world.

I think you need therapy but I think you need and deserve better therapy.

Cutting back on the alcohol is no loss.  I know you feel differently about that though.  Sorry for not being even a little bit sympathetic there.
Why are you giving up sugar and flour though?  To me it sounds a little extreme.  Maybe that is your way of taking back some control (by deciding what it is you put in your own body) or maybe it is a way to punish yourself?  A slightly more balanced approach would probably be healthier for you.  For me too.  I sometimes have extremes in dieting (and exercise).

Those are his feelings.  Let him deal with those.  It just shows that you didn't feel safe sharing those things with him.  Maybe he should be looking at why that is??
I expect part of the problem is that you don't feel contained with him.

Nothing is ever written in stone.  You can change which direction or path your life goes.
What they say actually really p (fill in the blanks yourself) me off.  If your T was good and contained you you wouldn't be so out of control.  What they're saying is that if you hurt yourself it is your fault when really what you're doing is asking them for help.  It is their way of absolving themself of responsibility.
You are going to stay strong.  You will prove all these people wrong.  It is wrong of them to be so negative and not help you.  I think you'll be OK though.  I know things are probably very, very bad but you're probably a little like me, resistant and stubborn and strong.  Those qualities can be both positive and negative.

Look at everything you're going through, is it any wonder that you're struggling at work?  Probably that you're even going to work says a lot about you.

What do you think would help you to get better?

I hope you're OK.  I need to tact this on.  If you have any safety issues you need to talk to someone or go to the hospital.  You can do this.  I'm away next week for five weeks (not sure about how much internet access I will have) but I will try and keep up to date with the posts.

Stay safe and take care.  Chat soon.

[janice150]

It saddens me to hear you'll be away for so long... but whatever just another downfall.

I have been with my psych for 11 years, he's very close to me, calls me from his personal cell phone just to make sure he returns my calls goes out of his way when he cans, but i've distanced myself this year and he's allowed it to happen. Then yesterday he says he's watched me unravell over the past two years going in and out of the hospital. And i do agree with you they should know what to do, he asked and i told him that i hated when "you people ask me that" like i'm the one with the frigin answers ...if i knew wouldn't i already be doing it?????

Anyway, good luck with your travel.

[Jaquta]

I'm sorry, I know it's not great timing for you, me either actually.  My parents booked flights for me because my sister is home alone at this time.  They were anxious that she may do excess lifting, etc when she is pregnant.  Her partner is currently away.
I will post when and if I can.

So why hasn't he done anything helpful during that time?  What happened two years ago to precipitate the deterioration?  (Did your T have cancer two years ago too?)

I am often left feeling fragmented and confused when health professionals don't set boundaries or the boundaries are arbitrary.  Being clear about direction can be helpful.

Just a thought.  The doctor on the Mood Disorders expert forum is back posting.  He might have some ideas about how to approach stuff that is going on for you.  I don't know if there's anything to lose from posting.  ??

Thanks for your best wishes.  My immediate concern after packing and other mundane, although stressful stuff like that, is whether the plane will crash.  Hopefully it won't.

[janice150]

I don't know if you will get a chance to read this, but air travel really is the safest way to travel...I realize the panic it brings on while doing it though the way the plane brings on heart palpatations and such but I'm sure you will be just fine, deep breaths and concentrating on your breath will help a lot.

Good luck with your sister.

I will go to that post that you suggested cause i will indeed miss not seeing you here everyday. I look forward to it every morning with my coffee, you've become a constant in my life.

My therapist just found out she has cancer a couple of months ago. I have no idea what happened two years ago. I had a major blow out with my daughter my oldest last night. For years she has been giving me little digs about paying for the family's cell phone bill and the fact that she's always lent me money (which I have always paid back) so I flipped my wig and in a strong voice started to tell her that I'm fed up with her always making me feel less than for having her pay that and that I will pay my share, and that she can finally shut up about it and that last year i asked her to hold onto my tax money so i wouldn't spend it, and she ended up spending about $600 of it and never thought about paying me back for it and over the years whenever i borrowed money i always fkn paid her every cent back and she told my next daughter in line "good now it's your turn for mom to take all your money" and i resented that. She bawled for about 4 hours. I have been holding that in for years because she had a brain tumor and her emotions are all over the place because of it, the brain tumor fkd with her hormones.

Anyway, I have no idea really if i was right or wrong guess i don't really care, but i felt like sharing with an objective person.


Enjoy your trip, can't wait for your return!!!

[Jaquta]

Thanks!  I'll remember that.  Lots of deep breaths (and try not to get stuck in the loo when the plane is boarding).

My sister phoned today and said she was feeling better.  Hopefully she's not too ?hormonal.

When we become dependent on others or other things then I think it shows that we aren't coping and in need of decent therapy.  TV, the computer and my GP are things things that I can rely on quite heavily at times (plus a hot shower.  Just wondering how I'm going to cope with a short shower and not being allowed to flush the loo, etc, etc).  Doesn't sound like much of a break in some respects.

Despite having a tumor she still needs to be told the truth.  Good on you for saying what you needed too.  It sounds as though there are issues around money.  Would having a kind of family conference help to get everything out and enable you all to set up some sort of budget or financial plan?

Your daughter is angry.  Isn't she in your house though?  Not sure of what your arrangements are.  It sounds like having a social worker or someone involved could help.  Not sure.  I think people know their own situations best.

I think it was good for you to share your thoughts and feelings.  Did that make you feel empowered standing up for yourself?  (I can see now why she got the bedroom.  You feel compassion and guilt maybe for her having a tumor.)
Maybe your daughter is struggling financially or maybe she is just frustrated with the little she does have and maybe she has plans for other things but can't afford it.  ??

There is no reason why your daughter can't learn to better manage her emotions just as there is no reason why you can't.  Your household sounds a little like mine and that is like a chaotic mess or a nightmare.  My mother has severe head injuries and they can be difficult for her to manage and for us to tolerate.  My father acts like someone with Alzheimer's or dementia.  Which also can be frustrating.  Plus I have bpd.  It can be a mess sometimes especially when we are all tired and stressed, etc (like we are a lot of the time).

I think you were right and used good judgment.  The world doesn't change for anyone and therefore necessitates that we adapt.

I have another one a half days at home.  Will post till I leave and then play the rest by hear.

It's nice to have someone want to talk to me, I appreciate that.

[janice150]

It was good to see you putting in some info about yourself and living situation, makes me feel like we have more of a relationship instead of you always advising me,  I'd rather know we're in this boat together.

Thanks for the kudos on standing my ground with my daughter.  The next day everything was fine, which is typical with her, like I said her hormones are crazy so all is well. She does feel a lot of guilt for living here and not being able to contribute more, she was unemployed for 6 weeks in May, and she has a lot of medical bills and her prescriptions just to stay alive run about $200 a month! That's a lot of money here, especially when your not making any!!! So I know part of her digs to me were out of the fact that she was mad at herself so she was taking it out on me. Yes I definitely felt empowered, actually I felt totally out of control, it felt like a train off the tracks really, couldn't contain what was happening and the situation felt like someone else had taken over, but whatever, alls well that ends well.

Your household sounds as crazy as mine does... totally different situation, but the fact that everyone has their own issues that are completely out of your control sounds exactly like mine. I guess that is why I am right now in a place where I say "I don't fkn care" 100 times a day. Life right now around me is too overwhelming and I have no idea where I am inside, I have never been here before and every day I just struggle to get to the next and hope that in the day I don't do too much damage ie. don't get fired or hurt myself too badly or those around me...

Talk to you soon and thankyou again for allowing me into your world.

[Jaquta]

Everybody has life issues.  I was just thinking today.  I heard that our bodies take in carbon atoms from our environment and that we have parts of everybody in us (Jesus, The Buddha, etc).  If I extended that I could say that I have parts of important people in me, like my doctor, for example.  I guess going away makes me need to grasp onto stuff like that.  I kind of find that a little soothing knowing he's not too far away.  It may sound a little strange to those who can't comprehend it and haven't dealt with abandonment issues.

I got that you reacted to something but it sounded as though you kind of did it in a way that was empowering.
I can understand how devastating it must feel for your daughter and how hopeless and helpless that can feel (not being financially secure).

When I was really unwell and just diagnosed I started to swear heaps (not something I've ever done).  I think you go from caring too much to not caring at all.  I think on a particularly down patch everything feels way overwhelming and it's hard enough to survive, let alone care.

That's OK to do that.  Give as much as you are able and then hopefully things will improve.  People can't ask you to give more that you have or are able.

Was surprised that you didn't mind me sharing my stuff.  I think I post mainly because I am so dysfunctional and I am not in therapy.  Hopefully will have a review done when I get back.  It's taken over two years.

I'm not sure if I'll have time to post tomorrow.  I'll try but I have heaps of stuff on, probably too much.  =(  guess I'll have time to chill later.  It will probably be good for me to get away from my family.  My doctor said it would be good and would be a good opportunity to see how I cope.  Hopefully I don't come back worse or more stressed.
Maybe a rest or respite would be a good option for you, just to get away from everything and to have some breathing space.

Please take care of yourself over the next little bit.  I'm sorry if I'm not there over the next little bit.

[janice150]

I totally gat the feelings of abandonment. My T before this one I had for seven years and I absolutely adored him. All of a sudden he decided to change careers after being a T for 15 years and they thought it would be best to give me a two week notice!!! Well he was concerned about me after telling me and had left a message on my cell phone and 3 years later I still haven't erased it. It gives me comfort to still hear his voice every once in a while....

i understand you using posting as a way of therapy for yourself. I have been in treatment in several different occasions and have counseled other patients as a way to get out of myself. Not to ignore my problems but just as a soothing mechanism. Cause it does soothe knowing you're helping... but and that's a BIG but, if that's all you do, it can become a deterrent to dealing with our own issues.

My house was fkn crazy last night. My 15 yr old's best friend woke me up at 1:00 in the morning off the couch, saying he was looking for his phone, when actually they were looking for a pipe to smoke pot out of that they can't find!!! Funny thing is I have it cause I found it and I have it hidden, when they wake today I'm gonna kill the little A-holes!!! They have no respect for anyone.

I would love to take a respite, but I got to find a $1000 to keep me out of jail, because of that whole bill thing I didn't pay... whatever.

Talk to you soon.

[lymeball]

Hi.  I am so sorry for your distress.  I do not have mental health issues, but have felt I was falling into depression, even a little bipolar.  I knew I didn't like the feeling, so I tried a therapist myself.  I was only 16, but the therapist made me feel a little sorry for my self, so I knew that wasn't working for me.  I then went to the book store and bought only positive, self improvement books, Christian ones.  I started reading them, and would force myself to only think positive, and throw away any negative thought that came into my mind.  Slowly but surly, it worked.  You see being negative is contagious, as is being positive.  Surrounding yourself with positive people, avoiding negative situations, and always trying to make the best of everything helps.  You have to be in control of your thoughts and not let your thoughts control you.  I know it's easier said that done, but mental illness runs in my family, and I have seen it's effects first hand.  I know that I could have easily fallen into the same cycle as my brother, and my aunt.  My mom had the same problem, but she was able to defeat her mental illness.  You guys can too.  God is merciful and can do anything. May God Bless you both, and I will pray you have peace, and a safe journey to health.