Pregnant and BI POLAR w/ SUD

[ursunnshine]

OK so EVERYTHING is complicated when you are pregnant!!! I Get That! However throw in Bi-polar2 spectrum, PTSD, & Substance abuse (In recovery)...and I feel like I am always getting a "GOLD STAR" from my peers, however I am still suffering inside so much. I left the ER today for the 2nd time in one week to the day. On the 4th they took me off of 8mg of SUBOXONE, COLD TURKEY! I am NOW 8mos pregnant, from 4 weeks I consulted DR's to make sure I was making the right choice about keeping my baby girl, due to the meds I WAS ON AT THE TIME
-Dextroemphatimine 15mg a day
-Suboxone 16mg a day
-Klonopin- 3mg a day
-Lamictle (now) 400mg a day
the dr's kept me ON all my meds weighing the risk in mother and child. (it was to both our benefit for me to continue my meds so I did as directed. I sought out a psychiatrist that deals with bi-polar and pregnancy. She COULD NOT PRESCRIBE MY SUBOXONE however She worked with me on addiction. When I expressesd that I wanted to breast feed, she said do not worry we will take care of you. Fast forward a few months, and when it came time to refill my Suboxone and Klonopin (off the dextro) and she has the pharmacy hold my meds and tells them not to fill ANYTHING!!!!! I call her and want to know whats happening, she tells me I NEED TO GO INTO DETOX THAT DAY! & days and 8thousand dollars later, I end up in DETOX. Having taperd off the Benzo, and on a much smaller dose of suboxone, and higher dose of LAMICTLE "to eaze my pain" she tells the dr at the detox to make me go cold turkey!!!!
    I had a psychotic break 1 year ago after a dr gave me lexapro when i started showing signs of a BREAK. I had no idea what had happend til 6mos later. When this dr. decided to "take all matters into her hands without being knowledgable of suboxone, or really addiction but very much so on bi polar ( wich in my opinion are hand in hand ) I felt and still feel as if I am teetering on the edge of another BREAK! I have developed a peptic ulcer in 3 days of going off my meds, I dont sleep, I cant participate in social activities. My body is not "in touch" with reality. I am doing great in my trreatment program. I have "fired" her as my DR I desperately need a new one, but because of her I  Dont trust any of the dr's now. Which is a very common syptom (symptom) of bi-polar pregnant women come to find out. So i guess my question is, shouldn't I be feeling a little better now? Not worse? I will stay off the meds for my baby as long as I am safe. Other question, how do I tell someone how I am REALLY  FEELING? I feel like no one will believe me because of her!
Sincerely,ursunnshine