Recovery and parenting

My name is Kim. I am 27 years old and I have been diagnosed with BPD. I have two children that I have not seen in over a year. My ex-husband has them, and this past month I signed over my rights. I love them, and because I was raised by a BPD mom, I refused to fight him in court only to have them tossed around in my crazy life.

What I wonder is with treatment, can I be a mom again? Can I recover? Can I be there for them, or should I just let their step mother be the mom I was incapable of being? I miss them, so much. I was a good mom once, but I spiraled out of control, became a drug addict, and they deserve better than me. What do I do?

[althepal39]

Your kids need you.  You owe it to them to be there for them.  they will always need you in their life.   No one can replace a child's real mother.  A diagnosis of BPD is not a death sentence and it is not something that can't be over come.  You need to go to counseling and get serious about getting help.  You need to train yourself to think differently as this is what is causing the BPD.  It is not some sort of organic brain disorder - it is caused by negative thinking.    Do not say your kids deserve better than you - I hate to say this - but it is a cop out.   It is much easier to just say "I have BPD and I'm going to do drugs and let someone else raise my kids" than it is to take control, take responsibility, get yourself into counseling and do the right thing.    

[singingwillow22]

You make it sound as though I don't want to be there,  and if that is what you think, then you are terribly mistaken. It is not a matter of hard or easy, it is a matter of not being in control. There was a time when I was somewhat in control, but everyday there is a battle raging inside my head, and I truly never know what side will win. I intend to get help, but that is incredibly difficult with no insurance. I can't get Medicaid, I don't qualify, holding down a job is very nearly impossible, I flip out at the drop of a hat. You tell me it is cop out...and yet you know nothing about me. I came here for support, not for someone to make assumptions. My ex-husband and his wife refuse to let me see the children or even have any contact with them over a year ago. I didn't just walk away. He told me that if I even attempted to fight him, he would keep me in court for the next ten years.

You are right, no one can replace a child's real mother. I am adopted, I should know that, but it is the lessor of two evils. I tried to fight for visitation. I was clean, and I got supervised visitation...he appealed it the next day. I never even got to see them before it was denied. He has a lawyer, I do not. I have a jaded past, he does not. I am a lesbian, he is a straight male with a new wife. You can tell me that none of this matters, but I live in the bible belt of the south. It matters, especially when you can not afford a lawyer.

The next time you see a post and you want to jump in and comment something negative and accusatory, how about asking some questions first. That way, you can make sure you have your facts straight, instead of making someone feel even worse than they did to start off with.

I am aware that BPD is not a death sentence. I know that it is incredibly treatable, with therapy and medication. What would be helpful is if someone could point me in the direction of organizations that help people with no health insurance. Instead of telling me in so many words that I am lazy, worthless, irresponsible, and a dead beat mom looking for a way out, how about giving me constructive advice as to how to go about getting help.

Also, BPD is not just caused by negative thinking, yes, distorted thinking patterns are a large part of it, but it is also a hereditary mental condition that causes severe mood swings, self mutilation, and a complete loss of control, risky behaviors, hopelessness, and in some cases suicide. I am completely aware that my kids need me, but if I am completely unable to care for myself...tell me...what good am I to them? Even when I do get myself straightened out, who is to say I will get to see them then. This decision was not made lightly. It was made out of selflessness, and a strong desire to do what is best for them.

You have a complete right to your opinion, and this is a public forum, so I can not tell you not to comment on my posts, but I will ask that next time you try a bit more compassion. There are those of us who in the wrong frame of mind would have cried for several hours or days upon reading such an accusatory post. I wish you a pleasant day.

Kim

[althepal39]

I am sorry - I did not mean to be sound so harsh.  And I know what you mean that someone in the wrong state of mind could of really gotten upset about this.  I really do apologize.  I meant it more as a push in the right direction -( believe it or not!)  You asked if you thought you could be a mother again - and what I was trying to say was YES!!!  Because BPD is highly treatable - but it takes a lot of work.   It also takes a lot of work to stay sober - but it can be done.    I did not know that you had no insurance - are you on disability? Maybe you could google state mental hospitals in your area and ask for advice?  I don't really know.. I mean - this is the US, we should all be able to get help.  (Should being the operative word here!)   Again - I apologize - I think maybe it just hit a nerve about doing drugs because my own father gave me up to some relatives after my mother died - because he was busy shooting up and so I mourned the loss of both of my parents even though he was in and out of my life as it was convenient for him.  Maybe I took it out on you.  I am sorry and I do hope you get help and get better.   I wish I had a better answer about the health insurance - but I don't.  Have you read any books on living with the disorder?  There is a book called "Bad Childhood Good Life"  that I hear is very good - I've never read it though.  I am sure the book stores must have something.  Also things like yoga, and good nutrition can have a BIG impact on people with mental disorders.  They say sometimes that can even replace medicine.    I wish you well.    

[singingwillow22]

Thank you. I am also in a very bad swing right now, and getting control from one moment to the next is very difficult. I have managed to push everyone I was close to away. My three very best friends are gone, now. They were the only family I had, but I love them too much to put them through this and I need to learn to be ok alone.

It is just scary, because I have no one. Want to freak out someone with BPD, leave them all alone. It is sad. I am 27 years old, and am already exhausted from life. Can we stop the ride...I want off.

It must have been very hard for you, losing both of your parents at once.  I know the feeling. I am searching the mental health bracket in my area. I am trying very hard to stay clean, and it is a very difficult thing, especially when I am all alone, but I am ok. I have not read any book son it, yet, but I want t. Thanks for the suggestion.

Maybe one day I can have a relationship with my babies...I wish you well, also.

[althepal39]

Well, that's a classic symptom of BPD - pushing everyone away and then being scared to death because you are alone.   At least you are smart enough to "see" what you are doing and realize that you need to learn to be okay by yourself.  A lot of people don't see what they are doing and they really wonder why everyone left!     I hope you can find a therapist somewhere that can help you.  I spent so much of my time at your age feeling exactly like you.  I felt  like I could of been/should of been so much more in life,  but instead I had to work through all this mental ********  because of my childhood and I was so MAD about it.   I felt like I was robbed - like they took any chance of me being normal away from me.   I think that 80% of my problems all stem from how I was treated as a child.    I think the other 20% was genetics ( I think my real family has a tendency toward ADD and my brother is bipolar - which doesn't help) and then there is also the horrible hormones that wreak havoc on us.   All of this translates to pure hell!   I just wish back then at your age I would of realized that I didn't have to feel the way I was feeling.  That I could of gotten help - that I could of helped myself - (instead I drank, hung around bad people, never went to counseling - never pursued any of my dreams that would of boosted my self esteem, and worst of all I was mean to myself!  I constantly put myself down!!  I knew I had ADD - but instead of getting help for it - I constantly berated myself for being a slob, being a scatterbrain, being hyper!  It was like I was just continued the abuse I suffered at childhood when I was finaly free of it.)  It wasn't until my early 30's that I got serious and started to read a lot of self help books and really changed my whole attitude.   I think that and the fact that my hormones calmed down.   Now that I'm 39 - I don't put myself down anymore, I eat good food, I try to exercise,  I take care of myself - whereas when I was your age I didn't.  I didn't feel worthy of being taken care of.   But it is so important to do that and to be nice to yourself.  With BPD there are all these horrible toxic thoughts running rampant in your head.  A lot of them are directed inward at yourself and you have to learn to stop them.   Sorry I am telling you my life story - I just feel like if you knew that when I was your age I felt the same way and now I feel so much better (most days!) - mostly from reading self help/ motivational books and really trying to understand my disorder - that maybe you would feel there is alight at the end of the tunnel and that it is possible for you to be happy.    

[singingwillow22]

All I can muster through the tears is thank you...so much.

[althepal39]

If you ever want to talk or vent drop me a line.   I do wish you all the best.  

[UpOrDown]

Just my two cents here - my stepmother is mentally ill. She doesn't have BPD but she has periods of psychosis, sometimes months long at a time. She lives with my dad and their child, who is 8.
It's amazing what children can understand, as my little sister copes well when her mother has an episode now, and I think it's all down to helping the children to understand the illness, talking to them properly about what the illness is and gently explaining what can happen to mommy.
I've had one of my breakdowns around this child, and while it's never nice for anyone involved, as soon as I was a bit more calm she put her arms around me, kissed my forehead and told me she loved me. I'll never forget it. Perhaps as I underestimated her capacity for understanding!
Never feel unworthy of your children, it will ultimately make you feel worse and they'll pick up on that. I think kids understand a lot more than we give them credit for! And it helps to be (carefully) honest with them.
Just my opinion, anyway, I don't want to make anybody mad or anything.
Kim