The struggle gets too much some days

[max718]

I am a sophomore in high school. Some days it’s hard to believe I have BPD. Others, I feel like I just want to kill myself to escape it. I thought my depression was  just a result of my environment, but as I learned, it comes from something I carry. Some days it’s the heaviest load imaginable, others it’s a speck of dust. Whenever things are going well, I feel cured and scoff at the psychiatrists that said I had BPD.  Now I am convinced I will always have it, even in the ‘good times.’ BPD doesn’t make me depressed, it just makes getting depressed a whole lot easier. Because I had it my whole life, I assumed it was normal, but when I was 15 I got diagnosed. Things started to make more sense afterwards, but the future seemed less optimistic simultaneously. I will always have BPD. I can never escape it. Before, I thought if I was just in the right environment I would be ok. Its scary to think that I will try to kill myself if I get a B in school. I mean, I just found out my average in Algebra II was a 94 and I already went through the whole cycle of suicidal thoughts  and self-harming impulses. I mean, for us, it really is all or nothing, isn’t it? I wasn’t so mad that it was a 94, im mad because my grade dropped 3% because of a paper I wrote for the class. It was a descent paper, but I got counted off 14 points because I didn’t cite inside the text. I only made a bibliography. The catch is that I was never told to cite inside the text. This is a new school for me, and all the kids who have been here in the past knew to do it, but I was never told. If the teacher would have spent 5 seconds telling us to cite inside the text I could have salvaged my grade. But here is where my BPD really comes in, my teacher said she will give me an 3% bonus extra credit assignment next quarter because I didn’t know how to cite properly, but I still want to hurt myself. Even though I know that I will be compensated for my loss on this assignment, I still want to hurt myself. I DON”T EVEN KNOW WHY, BUT ALL I KNOW IS THAT I WANT TO CUT! There is no logic here, but it still controls me. I have also noticed something very peculiar. When everything is going well for me, when I fell as if I don’t even have BPD, I am a very analytical person, question everything, and very curious about the workings of the world around me. But in moments like these, I am completely impulsive and irrational. I can’t explain myself to others or even me. Logic flies out the window even though it’s usually my guidance. Does this happen with any of you? I still want to cut, but I am stopping myself. Im not cutting cause from the past, I learned that worse things happen after you cut. Im really sick of ERs and hospital beds. But sometimes the knowledge of the pain and misery that will ensue after harming myself doesn’t always stop me. But im scared. My average is a 94, but what if it was an 84. What is going to happen when I make a B? What am I going to do? I can stop and control myself now, but will I be able to then? Im scared that im going to get myself pulled out of school. If I hurt myself and my dad finds out, im going to get pulled out. I have gotten pulled out before and sent to a wilderness camp, but it didn’t help. My dad only thinks it did because I stopped hurting and trying to kill myself. I only stopped self-harming because he offered to send me to a nice, fancy school from a public school. He doesn’t know that’s the reason. He thinks its because the wilderness camp helped. Someone talk to me. I can’t talk to anyone at school or family because it will ruin my life. Friends will run away if I tell them what really goes on in my head, and my dad will pull me out of school if he finds out I still think like this. Im scared that im not going to be able to function in later years of life, when things start to get harder. If I wasn’t at a fancy school, but at a public school, I would have already stabbed myself in the arm (my usual MO). That’s how close I am. But I can’t tell anyone I have these thoughts because it will ruin my life, and when things are going well and I feel like I don’t have BPD, life is pretty sweet. Someone talk to me, someone who knows what I feel like.

[ILADVOCATE]

Medication is neccessary for BPD but its only part of the answer. DBT therapy can be quite helpful for many people with BPD to find a better emotional understanding.

[max718]

sorry to be harsh, but i am just looking for someone to relate to right now. I am already on top of meds and DBT....

[angelnichole620]

hi, a sophmore in high school huh? i remember those years.. my best years were my freshman and sophmore..  my most memorable lol. anyways.. i was diagnosed with bipolar at age 17 my junior year.. and i felt like my life went to hell.. i actually used to be fairly popular at school no body really "loved" me or worshiped the ground i walked on or anything but no one really hated me either.. after i tried my suicide attempt i had to go back to school.. and although no one actually knew what had happened.. they could tell i was different. it didn't take long for them to figure out something was terribly wrong. and so they ran.  I'm saying this not to make you think that your fears are right about your friends. but just to say that i learned from them while they were running away. it hard to look at the big picture especially when your still dealing with high school. but in reality out of school.. those people don't mean a thing.. and they never did. if they're just going to run away from you because you've been deemed "crazy" by them.. what good were they anyways? i had a lot of friends in school and i walked out of that school still holding on to three. but I'm happy to have those three than i was having all the others especially knowing now that they weren't willing to stick around.  i'd say to open up to someone. you cannot pin this up inside you.. I'm proof that it does not turn out pretty when you don't talk.  if your "trusted" person runs.. go to the next.. you will find at least a handful of good ones.. and on the bright side it saves you time and money maintaining the friendships :P just kidding..
you were right about needing to "control" your environment.. you need to control who you are around. if your around a bunch of negative people that are going to put you down for feeling the way you do.. get rid of them. they don't need you and you don't need them. you need positive people who are going to pick you up and help you.
as for the cutting. I'm a current self harmer as well.  with that said, I'm a CURRENT self harmer I'm still fighting it. the best advice i can give you for that is fill your life with as much positive things as you can.. create some really good coping skills that work. listen to music, play a game, take a walk, play with a pet, read, take a hot shower, clean, whatever it is that you can do that will completely occupy your mind.. i tend to play video games until the thoughts are long gone. or read a book. whatever it is.. keep it nearby and always try to use it first. if that one don't work.. work yourself down the list of coping skills. but also remember, we are human, we do fall, we just have to keep getting back up and trying again. keep a contract to yourself. say ok i won't do it for two day (or how ever long you think you can accomplish with just a little bit of a challenge) once you made it that two days or whenever your contract date is up.. REWARD yourself. do something that you ABSOLUTELY love. fix your favorite meal. go watch a movie you've been dying to see. go visit a friend or loved one you miss. do something nice for yourself that makes the days of not hurting yourself worth it. then, add two more days. reward. two more days, reward. it eventually adds up and each day you get through the closer you are to the contract date. and soon as you hit that date. you feel sooo accomplished!  these are just some suggestions. hope it helps. i know what your going through. I've been there and am still going through it.. (although a lot less rough) it does get better. hang in there and open up to someone.
i hope this all helped. if you need to talk or anything just message me. my ears are open.

[Carolina43]

You sound like such an intelligent young person, and it would be a loss to society if you did something to yourself.  MAKE SURE YOU GET THE PROPER MEDICINE AND TAKE IT!  Famous people like Carrie Fisher (Princess Leyla in Star Wars) and Jim Carrey (the comedian) had been bi-polar for years, yet they have survived and were very successful!  But not without medication to "level out" the highs & lows.  

Please, reach out for help if you are not on meds!  There are people who care about what happens to you and want you to have a happy, normal life.  Your parents are the first to speak with, and then your Psychiatrist.  If you didn't "bond" with the Psy. then consult with another one.  Lady doctors are usually more sympathetic than males.  I am 65 and can say that from years of experience with doctors!  

Involve yourself in school, sports, activities, and take your medicine!  You can control this, and I wish you the best of luck in your life!  A smart kid like you deserves it.
Don't allow yourself to get depressed or entertain "dark thoughts".  When you start having them, put on a favorite dance CD; go out and take the dog for a brisk walk; and force yourself to change your mood.  You can do it!  I'm sending you good thoughts from North Carolina.