What do I do?

I was diagnosed with Borderline about 4 years ago, but I've been depressed and all around screwed up since I can remember. My mom is bipolar and I can vividly remember her depression and mania and the hospital stay's throughout my childhood, yet my mom always seemed to try and be there for me when she could. Mydad on the other hand was a very verbally abusive man and physically abusive to my brother. My parent's finally divorced when I was 15 and  I haven't talked to my Dad since partially because he blamed me for the divorce and we are so much alike we just butt heads. I've been to numerouse doctor's and psychiatrists and been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, bipolar but none of them fit until I waas diagnosedwith borderline. I was relieved at first because I finally understood but it's killing me and the people I love.I Hurt a lot and when I'm happy it just scares me now because I know somethings going to change and I will go into a rage,and lately I'm just exhausted from the constant ups and down I go through i  a day. sometimes I can have a few months and I feel moderately fine but right now I feel like I'm battrling a monster inside and nobody get's to see that,they just see the crazy side. I'm only 25 and I can't do this for much longer. I used to be able to talk to my mom about this kind of stuff because she understood but I feel like she's pulling away from me. I moved away from home when I was 18 and breifly moved back in with my mom a few years ago because I needed help. I had justleft my first husband and I was very anorexic and only about 70 pounds and I just couldn't take care of myself, I really thought I'd hit rock bottom but my mom wasn't there for me. It's like she knows that I'm screwed up and always have been so why bother, and so another parent turns their back on me when I need them. Now I'm working on my second marriage and I'm losing my best friend. I've never loved someone like I love Adam so why do Ido the things I do to him? I've done so many things to him that now Idon't think he's capable of helping me, I've just hurt him to much. Iasked him for help and he just didn't want to talk about it because it might cause another fight, and I understand where he's coming frombut I wish it could be different. Him and I have a 14 month old baby girl and she's the most important thing in my life and I'm already hurting her just by fighting with her daddy in front of her. Inever  wanted kid's for this very reason but God blessed me with her and here I am now. I don't ever want her to experience the things I haveand I think sometimes she'd be better off without me. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm really at my lowest point, Ihad a really bad episode last night and I'm ashamed of myself and sorry only goes so far anymore. Adam and my baby don't deserve this and I don't deserve them so what do I do? I'm willing to do anything at this point to get help, I want to stop hurting my loved ones and my only other choice isn't an option. I need to know what work's do I go back on med's that just numb me? Iwant to live a life not just get by each day, I know deep down inside I'm a good person and I want that side to show, someone please help me.

[jennstuff]

I know it is so hard to controle your ups and downs,,im there myself,And most of the time it seems like knowone really understands,,But im here to say that i really trully understand what your saying,,I think going to a counciller on a regular basis would really help for you ,it will help by letting things out that are probly bilding up inside of you,,And writing your thoughts down everytime your moods change about how you feel at that moment ,,That will help too get things out,,Let me know how you are doing,,I hope I helped ,

[young46]

Gosh, I'm so sorry you're going through this Lisa. Get a GOOD psychiatrist and get on meds that won't numb you - in any case it's probably better for hubby and baby if you're not raging. I've been married 25 years and have no kids cause my mom was so stressed out that I felt unwanted. I didn't want to pass this legacy on. The mood tracker has really helped me be aware of how I'm feeling today and how I felt yesterday.

[Shytreasure]

It is helpful that you are at the end of your rope and sick of the ups and downs. That can give you motivation to commit to the work of getting help and learning how to change. There are books and support groups for the friends and family of borderlines. This should be really helpful to your spouse and to find out that he's not alone and what's happening is common for dealing with BPD

You need to find a therapist that uses dialectic behavior therapy. This seems to be the most successful with BPD's.

good luck and hang in there