What's wrong with me?

Hi. First of all, let me say I've used these forums before (in the relationships section) and everybody has been SO helpful. So I'm hoping maybe folks in this forum will be helpful as well.

I'm 29 years old. Since I was 21, I've moved away from where I was born, (over 600 miles to be exact) had numerous failed relationships with many different women, never managed to finish college, and feel myself stuck in a dead-end (although relatively well paying) job. Since I was out of high school, and until I was about 18, I pretty much was a complete narcissist. I thought the world revolved around me. I was able to motivate, co-erce, and manipulate people because of a 'charisma' I had learned to express over the years. I was attractive, I was convincing, I was avaialble. I didn't care what anyone thought, or how my actions affected other people. I just simply did what I want. While this may have hurt my family and a few of my CLOSEST friends (ie, girlfriends, etc) this method of living my life worked for me for all this time. I think we can all agree, most people are attracted to those who do what they want, who look the "rules" of life in the face and blow them off, even if they aren't the right things to do. I think this happened because my parents raised me strict Roman Catholic, and I felt like I could never live up to the excruciatingly difficult rules they imposed upon me. So when I reached the age of 15, I decided to stop trying. It was easier to live a 'NORMAL' life----'OUT THERE,' than trying to live the strict, rediculously difficult life my parents pushed on me. Now, though, I feel my age setting in. I will be 30 years old in July. I've started drinking heavily. I need rum, wine, whatever--every night to help me get through. I look forward to coming home from work, opening the bottle, and sitting in front of the TV until I pass out.

Truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared of being...normal...not 'special' in some way...not a "celebrity" in other people's minds. I know it sounds rediculous, but it's true. I was engaged to the love of my life when I was 26. She finally left me in 2007 when she got tired of things always being about ME. So I entered therapy. When I started therapy, I beleived the issue was my fiancee. I thought SHE was the 'narcissist.' As I read more and more material, I eventually realized that it was indeed ME who was the narcissist. It was ME who was sabotaging my relationships through my selfishness, my need to have total devotion, support, etc. My ego and my needs were most important. It was this terrible, frightening experience that brought me to the realization that others have problems. Others have needs. It's not just me. I was shocked to learn that relationships require effort. They require maintenance, just like a car. You have to work at it.

Anyway, in my mind, I set out to find a relationship with someone who I could try and have a 50/50 relationship with, and use all of the new "knowledge" I had found to have something awesome with someone, something that would last. Unfortunately, I've discovered that this narcissism problem is more widespread with others than I thought. Our culture, especially among us younger people, teaches us that WE are the best, we DESERVE the best things in life, and they should be given to us without much effort. How do you try to be normal when they are breeding us and teaching us to believe that we are #1 ? How do I come to have a "normal" relationship with a girl my own age when the ones I meet either want ME to be their savior---or I cower at their feet, hoping they will be MY savior? There is no 50/50, no open communication. Nothing but a continuing, dead-end game. The only way I seem to fit in is if I act the part of someone I'm not. I'm too afraid of showing people who I truly am--a loser. Someone who can't see commitments through.

As I go along trying to find my individuality and confidence to be myself again, and still somehow care and support every family member and friend who truly cares about me, I still find it much too easy to slip back into my former pattern of letting people follow me--my deceptive, false life--and I can't quite do it. Hence...the drinking. I'm stuck. I want to be a good man, a good father to my 5-year-old daughter, a good boyfriend to my current, much-too-needy girlfriend, a good employee at my job. I don't know how to do this. I'm so lost. I want to be a good person. And I want to be able to do this every day without the alcohol. When I drink, I have the confience to stick up for myself. If someone calls, I defend myself and I stick up for what I TRULY believe. I have confidence to do things without worrying what other people will think about me. I feel OK telling the truth about myself. When I'm sober, I slip back into my box...closed off, cocky, arrogant, defensive, controlling. Why would alcohol HELP me be the best I can be? Why can't I do it on my own?

I'm rambling on and on, and I should stop. Thanks for your help.

[Greatgreebo]

maybe you should check out the addiction forum? that's where i hang most the time-we are mostly pill poppers over there (oxy/vics/ etc) but we know something about addiction and the self loathing it causes. you are stuck with a catch 22 my friend and you need some help to get out of this vicious cycle you're in.
you need to work on you period. don't go looking for a 50/50 relationship right now. you need to focus on getting yourself togther and then maybe, somewhere down the line you might consider getting a significant other. i'm sure you have some co-dependency issues with the current girlfriend.
i think admiting there is a problem with the drinking is a big part of the battle-and you are on the way to doing that.

come visit he addiction/substance abuse forum. you will probably read a lot of familiar storys there my friend.
stay strong and keep posting
Greatgreebo

[Amphitrite]

I have to agree with Ggb. Def check out the addictions forum, they're great everyone there. And IMHO, for now work on you and not of finding someone that fits with you. As you work on yourself and the issues you want to change, those things happen and you along the way find what your looking for and what you want. But as I said, you need to do a little working on you before you add another part to your life i.e girlfriend that's going to cause youstress, confusions, etc and perhaps end up back in teh situation of nit being your suthentic self but someone who you think they want to be with or know.

Relationships take alot of work, but so does working on yourself and you can't do both at the same time right now IMO. You may love this woman but you should love you too and I can see you are having some conflicting thoughts about how you feel about yourself.
I would never tell anyone to get rid of another in a relationship...that's your decision. All anyone can do here is give you their opinion and what they might do in the same situation and leave the decision up to you.
But if your always trying to meet the needs of another and figure them out...how do you begin to work on yourself, find out who you are and what you truely want?

That's my opinion for you...and I wouldn't say there is anything wrong with you but that you need to have some time and space to work on you and being able to shed the facade you put up and be comfortable with your authentic self.
But as long as your drinking, that will always cover up your feelings, numb them out so you don't have to deal.
If you don't stop drinking, fixing anything won't matter because you won't be able to.

Best, Amph