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Where would I even start to get better...?
I'm 23 and I haven't technically been diagnosed with BPD, my psychiatrist only said I showed some symptoms but he never got to see how I really am when I'm not talking to a professional. I only went to him for a few sessions but I stopped going because I didn't want to get sucked into taking meds for the long run (I was on Effexor before but I stopped taking it on my own terms. I weaned myself off them on my own). My ex boyfriend also convinced that I'm BPD, but he's bipolar and he really screwed with my head for over a year and a half so I don't know what's me anymore. Last year I was hospitalized for being suicidal and extremely depressed (that's what my relationship with my ex ultimately led to) and I feel like I'm going back downhill again. I truly believe I have borderline, with all the extreme emotions and by how muchtI hate myself. I hate how I think and I can't stand myself. I literally drive myself insane. I'll have one positive thought and then I'll automatically think of how weak-minded I am, how I barely have any friends, how it'd take all of my effort to even try to get better. Since it's my personality that's the problem I know it'll be way more difficult and painful to fix. I'll think I want to get better, but then it's like I don't want to. Why? Maybe I know that if I don't get better I'll just slowly erode away and hopefully my life will end. Right now, living is such a burden and it'd be relief to not be here anymore. My life seems like it's meant to be just pain and constantly fighting with myself. I don't know what to think anymore, and I always feel ashamed/embarrassed when I'm feeling a bit more positive, after I've been so down before. I don't like letting other people (friends) know when I'm down because of this. I just feel so stupid for how I acted. I despise all of my negative thinking patterns and it won't stop. I always get back to this point, no matter how great I've been feeling. I wish I could explain all these things I'm thinking but words could never express. This is extremely frustrating for me. I don't want to get better because I know it'll take a lot of effort and I don't have that in me anymore. I always give up after a week or so, or I "forget" the tips I've learned. I tried a bit of CBT last year but I ditched out on that. This feeling always comes back and it's getting worse. I now hate who I am and I can't stand thinking about living with myself like this for the rest of my life. I'm afraid to go to therapy, I know I'd have to explain my life story in order for the therapist to even remotely understand where I'm coming from. And who's to say that the therapist will understand BPD? I live in a smaller Canadian city and I don't even know if I'd be able to find someone/something to help. It all seems so hopeless...
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I also have a lot of (social) anxiety and I overthink/analyze everything. I even dread talking to people at work. I lose interest in everything that I do and I'm never proud of myself. I feel like I have nothing to be proud of, and what gives me the right to believe that I'm a great, talented person. Self-confidence seems like cockiness to me, and I don't want to be that. So I become self-loathing and don't believe there's anything unique about my art (I'm an artist). It all seems fake.
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3187938 tn?1344822548
I feel this everday.
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