Will my ex with BPD ever contact me again? I want to restore our friendship.

This is a chaotic story!!!  Ok, I ran into an old friend of the family about 2 years ago on Facebook and He said he had been diagnosed with BPD and that his wife had cheated on him and that he was seperated and getting a divorce. Ive known him since we were kids and he was my brothers best friend. Anyway, e started this emotional affair on Facebook, which I fell in love with him, and him with me, and we both desided to move back to our home town and start over together, i seperated from my spouse, and away we went back to our home town to set up a new life. Weve knon eachother since we were kids so I totally trusted him, asnd didnt really know to much about BPD and was very ignorant to this disorder. We spent 15 days together in total bliss to see if it would work out between us, but he desided he needed to go back to say goodbye to his kids, get all his stuff and come back. I got really paranoid that he was going to not come back to me, he had asked me to go back to Oaklahoma with him, but because I was going to be in a custody case, i couldnt leave, I would loose custody of my kids, so we agreed he would go back get his stuff, say goodbye to his kids, then we could arrange all the other things that go along with kids and divorce together, he told me kids are resiliant and that they all would be fine. He goes back to his wife and kids and I had a really bad feeling that he was cheating on me with his soon to be ex wife, well he was! So I broke up with him out of anger and hurt, adn then he told me he couldnt leave his kids and hasnt spoken to me since, he has recently got back with his wife, which they had been separated for 3 years, and hasnt spoken to me, I know this situation sounds crazy so please dont put any harsh comment, I was ignorant to his BPD disorder and want to know hat to do, how do I restore our friendship?

[myfairladyisasleep]

Hi.  

His BPD is probably what caused him to want to end his relationship with his previous partner when he met you.   They are scared of people getting too close to them,  so if his wife was getting too close,  he probably pusher her away,  and then became scared of being alone,  and immediately started putting you on a pedestall.  I know this is not fair,  as he has now caused you to leave your husband,  and you have obviously developed an emotional attachment to him,  but his condition causes a strong desire to be needed,  and if for whatever reason,  he was feeling 'detatched' from his wife for however long,  he has run to you.  Now he has got used to the fact that his wife is no longer there,  and become scared and detatched to you,  and gone back.  See what happens.  If he tries to work things out with his wife  I'd let him carry on with that,  as being friends with him might encourage him to want to break up with her again,  run to you at the first hurdle,  let you develop more feelings for him and then for him to let you down again and run back.  If he really has had enough of his wife,  and comes looking for you,  I'd say to him tht you want him to get some help first and prove to you that it is you he wants,  before you end up getting hurt.  I've been in this position before, both being the new woman and the existing partner,   and it isn't nice, very emotionally draining.  Take care and good luck.

[Melissaduran]

that was awesome thanks!!!

[jones21498]

I think in this case your best to cut your losses and politely walk away.  I guess I am afraid a friendship of any sorts will just keep these negative feelings stirred up. Run, Run, as fast as you can!

[Melissaduran]

well just found out that he is back with his wife, BUT hates her, he is still giving me the silent treatment, recieves my emails but never respondeds. We all grew up together and all had the smae friend crowd, so Ive been hearing how he regrets going bak to her, they have nothing in common, and he is there only for the kids. Ive been going to coucleing for over 4 months now and found out Im Bipolar, GREAT, a BPD and Bipolar thats a nightmare, my feeling for him are not the same anymore, but I pitty his sickness, ive got this feeling he is going to get ahold of me soon, what should I do, Im back with my husband now, this is all crazy! Ive read alot about the devaluation, splitting and the silent treatment, but all y friends say that he cares for me and has never said one bad thing qbout me, but leaving me the way he did hut so bad I thought i was going to die, what should I do if he does try to restore our relationship, its only been 4 months and he is already sick of his wife, which doesnt surprise me at all, but I dont know if im strong enough to resisr him.

[MmHo]

You need to take good care of yourself... Put yourself first and forget about this man.  I am married to a man with BPD, and like you, knew nothing about the disorder.  There are serious complications with this kind of personality and I can tell you my life has been turned upside down over the past few years.  He is not the one for you.  His poor wife will have gone through hell with him... He will tell you what you want to hear, all bad things about his wife....half truths so you feel really sorry for him.  Anger outbursts when he does not get all his own way.  He will be loving one minute emotionally distant the next.  He is not capable of friendship and will use you to make his wife feel worthless.  They are very dangerous personalities and you need to focus your attention on you and your husband and leave your "friend" alone. Please look after yourself.

[arj211]

I have been in what I thought to be a serious relationship with a man for the past 6 years. He was my night in shining armour and loved me like I had never been loved before. I had never experienced any kind of abuse...emotional, verbal, or physical before until him. At first it was just angry tirades that left me feeling confused. I felt like the more I let my guard down and loved him the more he pushed me away. When I gave him space he  became very needy. Over the 6 years I came to depend on him deeply because he said he wanted to protect me and everything he did for me was because he loved me so much. And I bought it. I believed him. He wanted to marry me and we planned a life together. During the past 6 years we have broken up many times but he always came back apologizing. He would call or text me numerous times or hunt me down, and I took him back believing this time would be different. He was extremely jealous and possessive, and would sometimes just show up whereever I was. He kept in constant contact with me and I went along with it because I thought wow this guy really loves me! Maybe he was just keeping tabs on me. I changed myself to accomodate him because when things were good they were the best I had ever experienced. I cannot explain in words how good his love felt. Our arguments have become more frequent and he has been pulling away and been very verbally and emotionally abusive. We argue over the smallest things and it's always my fault. Last Friday we argued and he yelled at me and threatened to end the relationship...yet again. I told him if he didn't want to be with me he didn't have to be, and I havent heard from him since then. My heart is broken, and I feel like I can't breathe. I want to call him so badly, but I just can't. I don't even know what I would say. My life is hell. It is hell with him and hell with him gone. I keep thinking he will call and apologize, but I'm starting to believe he's really gone. I am utterly devastated. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, and I feel like our entire relationship was a lie. I truly believe he has bpd. He is textbook. Everything I have read...and I have read a lot...about BPD is him to a tee. It's like reading my life over the past 6 years. I just don't want to believe it! I so want him to come back to me and be the man I once knew. At the same time I am so afraid because I know if he came back, I would crumble and the cycle would repeat itself. I don't know how to get through this and the worst part is not knowing if I will ever hear from him again. How do you plan on spending your life with someone and then just walk away cutting that person out of your life? This is incomprehensible to me.

[tom176]

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[Friendsunited]

Women in general are true rescue-ers at it's best, instead of them being our knight in shiny armor we are trying to be the retarded in tin foil. FACT... You can not rescue someone who has a mental  condition. FACT.... You cannot rescue anyone if you are drowning too.... FACT.... You can't go from husbands to lovers back to husbands and still live in hope your lover is going to come back to you especially with a mental issue and even more hopeless if you have a condition too. You need to be giving yourselves the advice you would give your daughter if she was in this predicament. YOUR hearts will mend but in the mean time get a support person to help you keep out of harms way..... Go with grace and dignity that you will be a better person in the end of all this.....