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Will my ex with BPD ever contact me again? I want to restore our friend...
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Will my ex with BPD ever contact me again? I want to restore our friendship.

This is a chaotic story!!!  Ok, I ran into an old friend of the family about 2 years ago on Facebook and He said he had been diagnosed with BPD and that his wife had cheated on him and that he was seperated and getting a divorce. Ive known him since we were kids and he was my brothers best friend. Anyway, e started this emotional affair on Facebook, which I fell in love with him, and him with me, and we both desided to move back to our home town and start over together, i seperated from my spouse, and away we went back to our home town to set up a new life. Weve knon eachother since we were kids so I totally trusted him, asnd didnt really know to much about BPD and was very ignorant to this disorder. We spent 15 days together in total bliss to see if it would work out between us, but he desided he needed to go back to say goodbye to his kids, get all his stuff and come back. I got really paranoid that he was going to not come back to me, he had asked me to go back to Oaklahoma with him, but because I was going to be in a custody case, i couldnt leave, I would loose custody of my kids, so we agreed he would go back get his stuff, say goodbye to his kids, then we could arrange all the other things that go along with kids and divorce together, he told me kids are resiliant and that they all would be fine. He goes back to his wife and kids and I had a really bad feeling that he was cheating on me with his soon to be ex wife, well he was! So I broke up with him out of anger and hurt, adn then he told me he couldnt leave his kids and hasnt spoken to me since, he has recently got back with his wife, which they had been separated for 3 years, and hasnt spoken to me, I know this situation sounds crazy so please dont put any harsh comment, I was ignorant to his BPD disorder and want to know hat to do, how do I restore our friendship?
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi.  

His BPD is probably what caused him to want to end his relationship with his previous partner when he met you.   They are scared of people getting too close to them,  so if his wife was getting too close,  he probably pusher her away,  and then became scared of being alone,  and immediately started putting you on a pedestall.  I know this is not fair,  as he has now caused you to leave your husband,  and you have obviously developed an emotional attachment to him,  but his condition causes a strong desire to be needed,  and if for whatever reason,  he was feeling 'detatched' from his wife for however long,  he has run to you.  Now he has got used to the fact that his wife is no longer there,  and become scared and detatched to you,  and gone back.  See what happens.  If he tries to work things out with his wife  I'd let him carry on with that,  as being friends with him might encourage him to want to break up with her again,  run to you at the first hurdle,  let you develop more feelings for him and then for him to let you down again and run back.  If he really has had enough of his wife,  and comes looking for you,  I'd say to him tht you want him to get some help first and prove to you that it is you he wants,  before you end up getting hurt.  I've been in this position before, both being the new woman and the existing partner,   and it isn't nice, very emotionally draining.  Take care and good luck.
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2032392_tn?1329358419
that was awesome thanks!!!
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Avatar_f_tn
I think in this case your best to cut your losses and politely walk away.  I guess I am afraid a friendship of any sorts will just keep these negative feelings stirred up. Run, Run, as fast as you can!
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2032392_tn?1329358419
well just found out that he is back with his wife, BUT hates her, he is still giving me the silent treatment, recieves my emails but never respondeds. We all grew up together and all had the smae friend crowd, so Ive been hearing how he regrets going bak to her, they have nothing in common, and he is there only for the kids. Ive been going to coucleing for over 4 months now and found out Im Bipolar, GREAT, a BPD and Bipolar thats a nightmare, my feeling for him are not the same anymore, but I pitty his sickness, ive got this feeling he is going to get ahold of me soon, what should I do, Im back with my husband now, this is all crazy! Ive read alot about the devaluation, splitting and the silent treatment, but all y friends say that he cares for me and has never said one bad thing qbout me, but leaving me the way he did hut so bad I thought i was going to die, what should I do if he does try to restore our relationship, its only been 4 months and he is already sick of his wife, which doesnt surprise me at all, but I dont know if im strong enough to resisr him.
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Avatar_f_tn
You need to take good care of yourself... Put yourself first and forget about this man.  I am married to a man with BPD, and like you, knew nothing about the disorder.  There are serious complications with this kind of personality and I can tell you my life has been turned upside down over the past few years.  He is not the one for you.  His poor wife will have gone through hell with him... He will tell you what you want to hear, all bad things about his wife....half truths so you feel really sorry for him.  Anger outbursts when he does not get all his own way.  He will be loving one minute emotionally distant the next.  He is not capable of friendship and will use you to make his wife feel worthless.  They are very dangerous personalities and you need to focus your attention on you and your husband and leave your "friend" alone. Please look after yourself.
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Avatar_m_tn
I have been in what I thought to be a serious relationship with a man for the past 6 years. He was my night in shining armour and loved me like I had never been loved before. I had never experienced any kind of abuse...emotional, verbal, or physical before until him. At first it was just angry tirades that left me feeling confused. I felt like the more I let my guard down and loved him the more he pushed me away. When I gave him space he  became very needy. Over the 6 years I came to depend on him deeply because he said he wanted to protect me and everything he did for me was because he loved me so much. And I bought it. I believed him. He wanted to marry me and we planned a life together. During the past 6 years we have broken up many times but he always came back apologizing. He would call or text me numerous times or hunt me down, and I took him back believing this time would be different. He was extremely jealous and possessive, and would sometimes just show up whereever I was. He kept in constant contact with me and I went along with it because I thought wow this guy really loves me! Maybe he was just keeping tabs on me. I changed myself to accomodate him because when things were good they were the best I had ever experienced. I cannot explain in words how good his love felt. Our arguments have become more frequent and he has been pulling away and been very verbally and emotionally abusive. We argue over the smallest things and it's always my fault. Last Friday we argued and he yelled at me and threatened to end the relationship...yet again. I told him if he didn't want to be with me he didn't have to be, and I havent heard from him since then. My heart is broken, and I feel like I can't breathe. I want to call him so badly, but I just can't. I don't even know what I would say. My life is hell. It is hell with him and hell with him gone. I keep thinking he will call and apologize, but I'm starting to believe he's really gone. I am utterly devastated. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, and I feel like our entire relationship was a lie. I truly believe he has bpd. He is textbook. Everything I have read...and I have read a lot...about BPD is him to a tee. It's like reading my life over the past 6 years. I just don't want to believe it! I so want him to come back to me and be the man I once knew. At the same time I am so afraid because I know if he came back, I would crumble and the cycle would repeat itself. I don't know how to get through this and the worst part is not knowing if I will ever hear from him again. How do you plan on spending your life with someone and then just walk away cutting that person out of your life? This is incomprehensible to me.
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Avatar_f_tn
Women in general are true rescue-ers at it's best, instead of them being our knight in shiny armor we are trying to be the retarded in tin foil. FACT... You can not rescue someone who has a mental  condition. FACT.... You cannot rescue anyone if you are drowning too.... FACT.... You can't go from husbands to lovers back to husbands and still live in hope your lover is going to come back to you especially with a mental issue and even more hopeless if you have a condition too. You need to be giving yourselves the advice you would give your daughter if she was in this predicament. YOUR hearts will mend but in the mean time get a support person to help you keep out of harms way..... Go with grace and dignity that you will be a better person in the end of all this.....
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Avatar_m_tn
I have gone through the same only I had my ex BPD's baby, he made me feel so wanted in the first 3 years we were together with the daily contact, I thought we were going to get married as he had hinted time and again but he started to constantly put me down after our child was born for no good reason, then he left me for another woman whom I found out had been seeng him being my back for 1 year!! He just cut me off!! Now about to go to court for a parenting order & he is so angry!! Threatened me that his gloves are off!! The relationship I had with him has destroyed me inside and out, I'm a shell of the person I used to be :(
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Avatar_m_tn
I really feel for you. The pain of this type of relationship is unbearable. The guy I've been seeing never called but he showed up in the parking lot across the street from the building where i work. Of course we talked and he told me how much he loves me and needs me and of course we started up again. He was great and sweet for a while and now here we go again. He's cold and distant, and when I ask him what's wrong he starts yelling that he can't do anything right when it comes to me. I don't even know what to say. I can't break this cycle! I feel so weak when it comes to him. I KNOW the right thing to do. I KNOW i should go and never look back, but every time I try the pain is just so much. It hurts being with him and it hurts being without him. I don't understand why he just can't be happy when things are going good.
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Avatar_f_tn
i know exactly what you mean.. you're last sentence touched me.. i feel the same.


wow.. i just got out of a relationship with mixed emotions. i don't know if he has BPD but he fits into every criteria.at first he was charming and you would think WOW what a catch. he seems like everything a girl is looking for. but after a while it started.  he would pick a fight on anything. and when we were (at least i thought so) at the happiest place and i felt great! and loved. he would somehow mess things up. when i needed him, if he had done something i would try to tell him that i dint like it. and often would the response be that he had done everything right, why was nothing he ever did good enough. sometimes he would not care, and when i said so i`ll just leave then? he would somehow say i don't know. and get angry.. say stupid things to me and end up in tears. and i would be there for him ..

wow.. sorry 3 weeks after the break up now. and I'm just so confused. i miss him.. i should not.. but i do.. just don't know how to break away from this swamp I'm in.. :( he was really good when a lot of the time (at least i feel it was a lot of the time, i don't think that is soo true, but right now it feels like it. ) the red flags were up from the start. before we were a couple he slept with a friend of mine. (not her fault, she didn't know about us) he was sorry, and i was hurt. and i wanted my chance. so we got together after a while.

5 months later he cheated. and was wondering why i loved him, and why i just didn't leave. and i sat there holding him while he was crying "being sorry" for what he did. then a year a go. he played a sick game, where he wanted to se if the gras was greener on the other side. sleeping a lot around unprotected as always. lying, telling me stupid reasons for the breakup like he wasn't in to me because i was to fat. or he just got bored. and i didn't like his humor.  long story.. but it was like i was in hell.. and then he regretted it with everything he had.. and told me he just said those things to push me away, and he didn't mean them. - this he said after every fight. i told him 100 times do not speak to me that way. he said he would get better at it. but it never happened. it was just a question of time to when something was not right again.

BUT in-between all this he would get mad for nothing, call me things. need a lot of attention, had low self esteem. but on the outside u could not see anything. he would get drunk and fight over nothing. just a text. and sober could talk to him and all of a sudden if he felt like i was in the wrong about something or not supporting him he would make a fight. ask me to go to hell, i was cold , i was this i was that. i dint care. +++  and now after we broke up. he is telling me the same thing i told him in that conversation. i was always in the wrong. and he never cared for things i did for him. i never did anything to hurt him. never did any revenge respected him. and his "tantrums" and encouraged him to see help. but the response was that he was scared. didn't know that to do. but he knew he had a problem. but i have heard that story for 2 years. and now before we broke up he booked a doctors appointment to see someone. but will he do it? probably not.

sorry for the bad english .. not from the states :P

again i don't know if he has BPD. but he has a pattern and it just is not normal. have so much more i could list up. now that we are over he said he wants to be friends. and does not want to loose me from his life. he said he just can't put us through this again. and sends text every now and then how hard it is and he misses me and then after i reply he just gets cold like he is over it.

i just don't get this. i never would have thought i would get into something like this. and my friends don't get this they are here for me. but they don't know him like i do. he was nice and fun most of the time around them. and they just se him as a guy that was a jerk to me so therefor i should dump him. i can see that.. but this just goes a lot deeper.
i think only a person who has been through this knows how this is. he is really good for hiding this from everyone. and not saying anything about the reason it ended. he would just say. "well i just didn't feel it, so you can't be with someone you don't have feeling for" and then we became a couple again. surprised that his friends don't se it.

anyway..  i think to my self as well why could not just be happy when everything was good and we were close? really good to read your stories, at least i try to convince my self that there is nothing i could have done. i have never given this much to a guy. and forgiven for things i never should have because i believed him. but he just never stopped the mood swings and the blame on me for nothing.

i hope somehow i can get over and out of this and not feel guilty when i hang out with a guy. ++ i don't want to miss him.. and the advice i have for people is this is not a joke. RUN as fast as you can. you can't fix him. he can get help but even then it can take a lifetime commitment and as a young girl you don't want that. there are a lot of good guys out there that will treat you good. without wanting anything back. appreciating what they have. not making you feel horrible in one minute and loved in another.

had this had been a normal relationship this wouldn't feel like this. i wouldn't feel butterflies again when he spoke to me and tells me he loves me and misses me and how alone he feels without me. so empty. and i wouldn't feel sad the next minute when he acts like he does not care and wishes me luck, and tells me he is confident i will be happy in the future. ? Just RUN! no one needs to be heartbroken like this. i wish i had figured it out sooner. that this is unfixable, and no one is working there *** off for something they deep down know is a failed project. at least i learned it in a young age. just hope i can get him out of my head. and NOT miss him and NOT put him first.
he said he will respect me this time. not sleep around for a while and not have a gf for at least a year. i sooo want to believe that.. but i kind of know deep down inside that is just ********. and that hurts. just hope he can leave me and my friends alone. good luck to everyone going through the same thing.. i feel for you..
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't think you should wait for him. they come back if they feel you are slipping away. or if they are down one day..(after they break up with the new x, or have a really bad day ++) but you know how it goes.. he will probably switch again.  
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Avatar_m_tn
If you are really looking for a friendship as you say you will have to accept with BP there will always be this roller coaster...it will at times send you spinning. Always remember it is not about you or what you have done the BP individual treats everyone in their life this way their family, their intimate partner and their friends.  I have a close male friend who i love dearly and often worry about as he can't maintain freindships, partner or family relationships, but none the less i still love him and do my best to be there for him.  This is however often torture as we attempt to place logic on the behaviour and there is no logic to any of it. Lecturing and trying to make it right only further erodes the BP's already damaged self.  Sometimes you just have to think of a good memory of them  or look at the right photo to remind yourself of the good times to get you through the more often bad times.

it will wear you out, bring you to tears and at times make you want to explode.  It is more work that any of us typically put into a relationship so just ask the question is your friend worth it...i know mine is but i also accept this is likely how it always will be... there will at times be silence, there will at times be no response, i will be ingored...it is about him not about me

and after all if you leave it will be you who grieves not the BP friend

kimbal
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Avatar_f_tn
want to say thank you thank you thank you to bishop jakes more for everything so far. To everyone who doesn’t believe in spell, I was one of those ones at first. I wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to do this since I’ve tried others so-called spells casters and they did not work and was a waste of my time and money. However, when I read through the testimonials of other people at this website and after I talked osoba who answered all my questions and was very nice about everything, I decided to give it a try. I figured it would be my last try to get my guy back. So my story is that I was at my office when the guy I am in love with told me that he wasn’t in love with me and never will be and that he didn’t want to speak or see me again, especially since he was talking to this other girl. When I talked to Bishop Jakes , he let me know which spells would be most appropriate for me and I chose the ones that was to get him back to me and stay with me and want to marry me.As soon as he started on the spells, my guy came back into my life! It was a miracle to me and I’m so thankful for that. Things have been going well, and pretty much according to what Bishop Jakes said would happen. He’s always there when you need him and that’s also after the spell is done. I’m still waiting for the spells to completely manifest, but with all that has happened so far I’m very happy because given only four months ago in March, if you asked me or my friends if I would have anticipated how things were right now…no one would believe it! Lara. contact is email address bishopjakesmore(@)gmail(.)com
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Avatar_m_tn
Be Strong, things will get better, hold ur head up high and be positive.
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