When I was 15 I was told by a psychiatrist that I had bpd. I am now 20, married and have a 1 year old. Until recently I did not even know what bpd was. My sister went into college for psychology and told me that I might be showing some signs so I did a little research and I have all of the symptoms and have had them since I was a lot younger. - sob story just to explain why I think I might have this. When I was 9 my mother passed away leaving 6 kids and a husband behind. My father moved 5 of us to Texas from NY (unsure why the one kid stayed- it depends on who u talk to) in Texas we lived with my grandmother and pawpaw. None of us got along with her! My father moved us from time to time to different relatives but it never worked out so er always ended back up with grandma. Until we got our own apartment but my youngest brother and oldest sister stayed with grandma. Which left 3 of us with my father. Things were ok. During the summer I got very close with my dad (which wasn't easy bc he shut done after my moms death.) I was
11 btw. One morning a loud pounding on the door so I answered it and there were 4 guns in my face.. FBI. Took my father and we were back with my gma againn. Fir a couple years we were in the dark about my father well at least I was or maybe I blocked it out idk. Well something I did block out for about a year was that right before I moved with my father the last time I was molested but I didn't understand it. It came out during cps questioning. Well noone believed me.. thought I was just trying to get him into trouble. So I was kind of hated.. started seeing and hearing things so I started counseling at 12 and they didn't believe me.. I was put in antidepressants which didn't help and one day I took all my meds .. I hated myself and knew everyone hated me so I wanted to die. I was constantly cutting which got me into trouble but it wad the only thing that helped.. so I wanted to die. Be with my mom and away from everyone and everything ..I was excited to die! But I got caught of course and sent to a behavioral health center.. I didn't want to leave! But then at home 3 months later my sister got caught with a lot of pills and got sent there and then my gma kicked her out and me too. Sent us bk to NY to live with my aunt who we haven't seen in 6 years and my brother (the one tht stayed) and a few months thts layer my twin brother in TX died. A year later I was told about bpd and about being manic depressed bipolar , psychotic features and something else. I still think about death never gunna do it though I love husband and son dearly but I can't cope with things stress is very hard to handle I have horrible outrages that are hard to control and I can only control around my son. My feelings change very fast my brain seems to move slowly . I'm petrified whenever my husband goes to work he won't make it home same with my sin ay babysitters. I typically go to my sisters when I'm home alone bc I hate beingalone. there's more but .. the rest is hardto explain. I'm sorry its soo long but I figured that maybe some background would help. How do I make this stop I feel like its getting worse.
It doesn't sound like BPD. Your behavior is not irrational given your history. So what you have to do is flush the nastiness of your history out of your system. Therapy would help. But what helps most is your loving relationship with your husband and child.
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