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argument, how to rectify with BPD daughter
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argument, how to rectify with BPD daughter

hi, new to this forum, din't know you were there. What a result. I am Mum, daughter ,30s, BPD, but won't accept.
Have read all the books but... she is very angry with me at the moment. refuses to speak to me, she's hurt and  injured. Moved out about a year ago but comes nearly every day. Don't mind, I'm all she's got. Love her, worry about her, so stressed can't sleep now. Want to cuddle her and make it all better. I'm really tring to do what it says in "Stop Treading On Glass" but I feel her pain.
Could a Bpd or a better, stronger carer than me please tell me what to do. I'm not calling her (had the upset yesterday) but she has caled and text 3 times to find out how 90 yr old nan is doing(lives with us). When I ask her how she is she says "I have nothing to say to you". I know it's hurting her to do this, I'm her only unjudgemental support, but it's hurting me so much. I just say "o.k, I'll speak to you soon, love you" in a pretend cheerful voice.
Please advise.
Should I:
Ask her to come over to talk about it? I'm scared cos she'll scream at me but I will if that's what to do.
Write her an email to explain what she has misunderstood? (But how can I get her to rationalise an irretional reaction?)
Leave her until she runs out of food, money and has to come? (Can't go there, really near but have bad CFS, also reason why I cant be as strong as I'd like)
She's a lovely person and has always been there for me but she has alienated most of her friends. At first i Thought it was  because she has such high standards  for relationships but other people let her down. Now I know that although she is a very loyal, moral person, she would take offence at the least little thing.
Anyway, she is the stone in the pool and has affected all my family life for years. pleases advise on the current situation and if someone could give me some insight about how she thinks I would be grateful. Thankyou to all of you and brilliant to all the BPDs who have believed the diagnosis and who are actually trying to get help. You are very, very brave. Also hello to all carers out there - believe me you are not alone!
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Avatar_f_tn
When you strive to be perfect being given this diagnosis can be devastating.  It took me several years to come to accept it.  And that was mainly through reading extensively about the disorder.  It hurt a lot.  I would cry myself to sleep most nights.  I felt victimized.  I was then diagnosed with a complicated adjustment disorder which just traumatized me more.  It's a difficult process to work through.
For me the most constructive thing to ever happen was I was given 2-3 sessions a week with a qualified and experienced psychotherapist.  It made a huge difference.

Your daughter is hurt and defensive despite needing the contact with you.  The thought of being with you may make her feel more connected and feel more contained.  Only for some reason I don't really understand as soon as the contact is made the stress returns.  It could be that the other person hasn't magically made all the pain go away.  It could be an abandonment/ engulfment thing.  Where people are either too far or too close.  ??  bpd is extremely complex.

People can sometimes better understand something when it is written down.  Not having the stress of the face to face contact and emotion can help.

You don't really say what the issue was about so it is hard to offer a perspective on that.
Maybe talking about neutral topics would work.  Her grandmother seems a comfortable topic and a way into your life.

Leaving her till she runs out of food, etc would probably leave her feeling powerless.  If she's able to fend for herself it would be an OK option though.

You need to talk to her.  Set boundaries and try and get her to access therapy.  With the proper therapy and therapist it could make a huge difference.
There are dbt classes online which is one treatment used to treat bpd.  While I don't think it is the best one the skills can be life changing.
Maybe you could even set aside a little time each day with your daughter to work through them.  ??

Sorry this is so rough.  I'm struggling myself and was trying to feel better by reading posts.
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If you pretend everything is okay and talk in a happy tone, she will view it as you dont care and thus betrayal. I would go with honesty - usually even when I am blinded, honesty can see through that. People are still people, honesty is powerful.
Usually when I use threats along the lines of "i have nothing to say to you", or "go away" or "leave me alone" it actually means = "you better not walk away or it will prove you dont love me," which also means I want you to bend over backwards and do everything in your power to give me what i want, to try and solve things, to apoligize, to try and help me.
When my mom is at her weakest, soft, and agreeable... after I have emotionally abused her into it, is when things look okay. BUT she also has an amazing talent of communication, she tends to get me to sit down, think calmly, and tries to distract me from any huge uprise of torment caused by disappointment of any kind.



Theres not much you can do right but be honest. If you try to be stubborn and stand up for yourself it will turn back on you, she will most likely take it as an extreme insult and betrayal.

You cant be too weak and soft because she will continue to use that. You need to get over the problem, so i would advise to go over there and talk things out. But you cannot be supermom, you need to realize only professionals can be therapists, and taking the care giver approach is only going to ruin and damage your relationship. She may need assisted living or something, someone else to be there for her, so she can live independently, and when she does visit, you can have a real relationship instead of you trying to be her saviour.

we think we want those insignificant things - until we realise that void in our lives cannot be solved by throwing tantrums to get meaningless things.
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Avatar_f_tn
I cant remember the last time my BPD daughter and I have gotten along for more than a few weeks when we live together and she will be the first to agree. Let me say first how sorry I am for all you are going through. Having been raised by a borderline mother has probably given me a bit of an edge in  dealing with having a daughter with the same.You said she isnt speaking to you yet she comes around every day. Why is that? I think your doing the right thing by telling her ok I love you. In dealing with borderlines you will never win and there will never be a right answer. The best you can do is keep up a strong front . stop feeling guilty.  Make sure she knows you love her but that you have rules of how she is to conduct herself when she is in YOUR home.You have a right not to be disrespected in your own home. All this was advice given by a number of very good therapists. I would also recommend you see a therapist yourself to help you with all the stress.
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Avatar_n_tn
You made the post a while back, but I thought I would make a comment anyways. I was diagnosed with BPD and cyclothemia at age 19 (started symptoms about 13).

I was forced to see therapist but would find reasons not to continue... I dont see halucinations therefore I'm fine, she was incompetent, he was rude, etc.

I read "Sometimes I act Crazy" (can't remember the author now) in my mid 20s and that is when I realized I identified with the people in the book more then with the people surrounding me. It took me another couple of years to seek help out of denial, but it did make me more aware of my situation. I would recommend searching for someone who actually deals with BPD, a little difficult but it made a HUGE difference for me and my family.

A big thing for me was consistency. I looked for patterns and when that pattern changed I would panic and be filled with overwhelming feelings of being unloved/unlovable, rejection, abandonment, failure, etc.

(ex. talking to my mom every other day for a couple of weeks then she didnt answer the phone  sent me into a rage because she abandoned me even though she was just napping or if she had a different tone then usual I would percieve it as rejection instead of her working a 14 hour day and was tired). The feelings may be irrational but they are still feelings none the less.

I would become even more enaged when my mother would belittle them saying they were the wrong emotions expressed or I felt to intensely about something or completely ignored my outburst. Wrong or not that is what I was feeling at that time. I didn't expect her to agree with my emotions but acknowledge them and move on.

After the rage I would drop into a "depressive" type mood. One of two things would happen:
1. I would feel guilty/shame/embarassement for my actions and wanted to be left alone because I was not worth loving/I was a horrible person for doing/saying horrific things to someone I love. How could they forgive me? Then once contact was made I would start the what's wrong with them to forgive me when I am horrible...The vicious circle continues.

2. I would play the "don't talk to me game" to see how long it would take for them to "force" their way back into my life. By this I would judge how much they loved me. Sounds crazy... I know!

Living with BPD for me was and still is to an extent a vicious circle of negative thoughts / self doubt and the outbursts are a defense mechanism when uncertainty arrises or shakes my belief. I tend to see things as black and white / good vs. evil and it's been a struggle to learn about the grey area in which life seems to be lived in.

As for the friendship thing, from my own experience that fear of abandonment / dissapointment becomes overwhelming so you take a little incident, blow it out of proportion and that gives you the rationalize to be friends with them no more. That takes the control from their hands to yours. You can't be abandoned/ let down when you want/expect nothing from them.

All the best of luck with your daughter. It may take a while, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” Author Unkown
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