boderline personality? or not?

okay. im 19 years old, ima female. i've read quiet abit about boderline personality but im not sure if i have it. i dont want to see a doctor, id rather just ask people on the net. what made me think i have it? my moods. my intense feelings, my sensitivity & my personality pretty much.

i have been with my bf for a year. we were bestfriends for 2 years and we started dating. his the best thing in my life he treats me literally like a princess. & i treat him good too but i SNAP alot at him, sometimes he'll say something that he could've said a few days that i would feel normal about but in that "mood" im in, i get so angry at it. that i think to myself "wtf is wrong with you, its not a big deal" then i kind of feel pain in my chest area not really physical pain but kind of emotional pain because its like im fighting with myself to stop but i cant. & what hurts me is that he treats me so good yet the smallest comment will make me so angry/upset. theres alot of times this happend but lately it hasnt happened much unless we're talking on the phone. but in real life when isee him its been the best because we havent been seeing each other because of him working & stuff.

.. well if u were to ask me what type of person i am? what the hell would i say? i dont know..
i could say im a energetic person, im a very attractive girl, iget attention everywhere i go yet im not really what you call "confident" i kind of put on an act that im confident but im not really, its like.. i know im goodlooking, but alot of social situations actually kind of scare me like for example a speech . i would rather drop out of a course or get kicked out then do a speech.
another thing about me is that, sometimes i feel like im a bad person, i want good things & i feel like i deserve good things but at the same time i feel like im kind of evil in a way because of the hate towards people that i have. i want revenge on anyone (except my family+bf) that has ever hurt me the SLIGHTEST BIT. i want to ruin their life . for example, if a girl has done me wrong by saying something behind my back or implied something to me, i would go out of my way to ruin her relationship with her boyfriend, ifeel happy , i feel satisfied if that person is miserable BUT i would do it in a sneaky way that i wouldnt let myself be the reason for her break up, i would make someone tell her bf that she cheated on him.. as soon as i hear that there relationship is going good it burns me, i get so hurt.

another thing is that.. i worry so much about what people think of me, i hate being in competition with someone else.. i wouldnt be close friends with agirl that is prettier than me, it pisses me off. & i want everyone to think im hot, cute, funny, i feel like when im around people i have to be entertaining .. i think these are social anxiety symptoms as well but i think im just a mess but at the same time im not that bad. its so weird. when i read all this i think to myself wow thats pretty bad, but i go on about my normal life.

i also kind of feel the love/hate relationship with my bf. i cant say  i ever hate him. his pretty much everything i want in a guy. but at the same time theres times where i think "but im too goodlooking i wish he was hotter" but right now because im in a good/okay mood, i feel mean just typing that about my bf. most of the time i treat him really good, i compliment him, i miss him, i show him alot of attention and love but if im speaking to him and he for example is tired & isnt too enthusiastic i might say something like "OMMMG u dont wanna talk 2 me"

i cant remember too much examples at the moment , i dont know why, i kind of forget how i really felt in that moment.. & in the moment i do think to myself "omg, why cant i just stop, his gna have work later, im wrecking the day" but then i get annoyed at him for "making" me feel that way..

I also have an obsession with how i look, not in a stuck up way but in a way of i feel like i have to look good all the time when im out . not just for my bf. for everyone. i want my bf'z brother to think im hotter than his gf. i dont like her. & i am hotter than her, shes not attractive but its like i feel like i have to impress him (im not physically attracted to him AT ALL) but even my bfs mum, i want her to think im pretty, i want everyone to think im pretty. i just love attention but then if you saw me you woudnt think im an attention seeker, i hide all these things well. people dont know the real me. i dont really know if this is the real me or the happy one is the real me. im not sad now but im just feeling weird, like im so caught up in this story that i cant stop typing about it & adding to it.

thanks for reading this please leave a comment no matter what it is & tell me what you think, do i have BPD or am ijust abit lost ?
<3 .

[Jaquta]

You would need to see a psychiatrist to get an accurate diagnosis.

Likely you have traits.  Part of me thinks that yes you could have it, another part has doubts.

There are elements of anxiety.  Maybe the looks stuff falls into the category of perfectionism or maybe even the idealised spectrum.
To me it feels like there may be elements of narcissism.  This can fit with bpd or bpo.

There are signs of bpd.  The best thing would be to discuss it with a doctor or therapist.

[deebaybie]

okay thank you sooo much for your reply, looking back now at the post i feel like i didnt express it properly - i made myself sound more bitchy than anything. its not that i want revenge on good people, but mainly girls who are ******* or are sneaky especially if a girl says anything about me & my bf . example ; my bfs brothers gf lets call her sarah. Sarah pisses me off so much, she is a drama queen, shes a liar , shes fake & ugly yet thinks that shes the hottest thing in the world, i was once friends with her n tried to help her fu*ked up relationship but now i wanna ruin her life & make him leave her.

im not the type of girl who loves drama, at all. i actually like things to smoothly, im not dramatic , i dont care.. but its kind of like, i do worry about things alot, i have been diagnosed with anxiety & depression.

right now im in a good mood so its like .. i dont know what to say? if i was angry right now i would right an essay about how much everything pisses me off. i do feel like my feelings are intense.. sometimes i get excited over little things like if i have a shower & i go outside to have a ciggerette i would kind of me be "omggg yayayayayay" & im very very moody.

I have been sexualy assulated when i was young, not raped though & i have never in my life told any1 about this..
i was bullied when i was in primary school i wasnt the cutest kid then, so when i grew up & had goodlooks i kind of obsess with it, i cannot leave the house with no makeup. NEVER!

im pretty insecure, i kinda take things personal. but i don't show it. people would NEVER EVER EVER think im like this. write now i feel embarrased writing this because im in a good mood, so it doesnt sound like me as i write it but later today ill probably be so pissed off at nothing & il write again ,
thnx somuch, any feedback helps xx

[deebaybie]

oh and i looked up Narcissistic, it doesnt sound like me , at all. i know someone who should be diagnosed with that disorder but thats not me at all.

[hesmyeverything]

Wow u haved just described me exactly lol. My fiance takes alot from me. I honestly dont see how he puts up with me. One minute i can be in a really good mood and the next i can be on a rampage. Then i cool down and realize i was being a ***** to him and get pissed again. And when i start fighting with him i cant stop. I feel like its been getting worse. And i am completely jealous if another girl gets near him or talks to him. Even if its my own family! I have bipolar anxiety and depression. I was going to counciling to see if i have borderline personality disorder but i quit going because my insurance expired.

[deebaybie]

aww glad to hear that you liked my post . yeh its pretty harddd, do you get the jelousy thing too? wow. i get jelous if my bf is talking to another girl even though he doesnt talk 2 other girls but for example -my bfs brothers gf i really cannot stand her & till now i feel like i want to ruin her relationship because she doesnt deserve one & what pisses me off is i was friends with her bf but as soon as they get back together he doesnt really talk 2 me anymore. annoying? i helped him so f*cking much & then now he sticks up for her when my bf talks to him about her - but i dont make everything a big deal.. we dont fight that much because of him, he doesnt do bad things to me, its usually me that gets angry & then i get over it when my mood changes (by itself) i feel like i cannot control my emotions. i love my bf i honestly dont know where the hell i would be without him, he does everything for me. i dunno what my disorder is , im not sure if its borderline, but its the closest disorder that i found myself relating to . bipolar is abit too much, i dont go through maniac phases where i spend money & stay up all night & stuff like that , im mainly depressed or angry.

[Jaquta]

I didn't mean narcisisstic personality disorder.  It's more subtle.  Borderline personality organisation includes traits from other personality disorders as well.  How our personalities are structured can be quite difficult to explain.

Being pretty or beautiful seems to be a theme in your post.  It could be that you've been told you're ugly or have been made to feel that way and are now trying to prove or convince yourself and others that you're not.

For me I'm insecure around weight and intelligence.  I was told at an early age that I was fat and then dumb.  Those comments kind of stick and I guess hurt.  They also severely affect our self-confidence.

I think not being able to feel something in another mood or state is related to splitting.  Part of our personality is made up of good and bad parts.  In 'normal' people these splits (good and bad parts) are integrated.  That means they can view people as being both good and bad.  In bpd, the splits are unintegrated (either good or bad) which means we can see something as either good or bad.  When we're in one state we don't have access to thoughts, feelings from the other state.

Physical abuse is frequently seen in people with bpd.

I don't think you have bipolar.  I don't think all the relationship issues make sense for that.  Your mood seems much more reactive.

I think that you should speak to a doctor or a therapist.  Getting these issues sorted while you younger is much easier.
Likely you do have bpd or some other underlying issue/ condition.

[Jaquta]

It would be good if you could get back into some counselling.
It sounds like you might have bpd.  Getting an accurate diagnosis is crucial to good treatment.

[deebaybie]

yeah, it's not that i try to convince myself i'm beautiful, its that its a big focus , like i said i wasn't the prettiest kid when i was young so getting good looks as an adult, i kind of held on to it & yes i do like showing people that i am attractive, when i go out i purposely look at people or turn there way so they can see me and maybe make a comment to me.
i love the splitting thing you talked about, omg. it sounds very accurate for me.
its weird for me because its mainly my BF that cops my bad side, not really my family - i seem to always get angry at him for some reason.

aw another thing about me is that i love hearing about myself , like i wanna know what people think of me. maybe it is insecurity from when i was a child. i was a very anxious child, i used 2 worry about little things.

thanks for ur reply, its just that the past 2 days i've kind of been good so i dont want to see a doctor its as if i dont "need" it, but then when a mood comes i might change my mind (i've done that before but didnt end up seeing the psycologist the doctor referred me to after the bad mood was gone)

[deebaybie]

n i forgot to mention my drug addiction the past. for a whole year last year i was taking drugs everyday, liquid extacy - weed - pills mainly . but i tried all other drugs too like speed,coke,DMT, etc.

[Jaquta]

I think splitting explains a lot of things for many people with bpd or people who use primitive defense mechanisms.

I wonder why that is with your bf.  Maybe there are times when he just doesn't get it or get you and you feel frustrated by that.  Maybe your family have set limits, which is emotionally containing, and you don't want to violate those boundaries.
Anger could be used to control someone too.
I suspect there are a number of different ways in which to interpret that.  An experienced therapist would be able to understand what is going on.

I tend to split sometimes too.  I'm open and honest with my doctor and feel great while I'm seeing him but as soon as I go home I start to feel stressed and anxious and I tend not to disclose much to my family.  My family have often taken stuff I've shared with them to attack me with.  For me it just seems safer to have a limit on what I am prepared to share with family.

To me your comments sound very grandiose and/ or narcisisstic.
Me, me , me.  Could be a survival thing.  When we're struggling we tend to become quite self-orientated.  Could be that you're in the idealised (good part) of a split.

I read somewhere once that feeling good can be due to something that has happended in the relationship.

I use to feel good (motivated, energetic, etc) when I had been hurt by someone and I was angry and had walked away from the situation.  I guess the leaving or walking away gave me a sense of power or control over the situation.

Drug abuse fits with bpd.

It's a good idea to get help even during an OK period.  Sometimes it makes therapy and the learning of new skills easier.  The need for help still exists even in a good phase.  BPD, etc is complicated.
I think that it would be worth commiting to therapy.  BPD can take a huge toll on ones life if left untreated.  Like I said before.  Change is much easier when done when younger.  Think about it.  If your symptoms aren't disrupting your life then great but if they are you should strongly consider seeing a doctor and going to therapy.

[deebaybie]

yeah , i do kind of have the whole "me,me,me" thing happening now because its the internet and its a forum so i just want to write down what i feel & how i am , it depends who im talking to though, because its the internet, i can just write whatever i feel without holding back, in real life when i talk to someone - its not that i COPY their personlity but i do something that others dont notice that i do, i kind of mirror them in a way of if its a conservative person, i watch what i say & how i act so they dont think bad of me,  but if its someone for example that takes drugs, i would be more outgoing & in a "confident, who gives a fu*k '' type way. using my own experiences (not fake ones) just depending on the topics suiting the person.

right now, im kind of PMSing, but it hasnt been bad, im abit snappy but nothing like some other months that i've had where i just feel like dying!
nooo , my bf is great he is very understand but when i told him i could have BPD he disagrees he says "well with me ur always happy" i said ''yeah just lately.. i do snap , i am moody, i do get angry etc" hes just kind of trying to support me by telling me its all "mind over matter" but i think the reason i get angry at him is because he is the closest to me, im not that close with my family they dont really know much about me.

another thing i dunno if a BPD symptom but whenever someone says something about me thats not so good, i would dwell over it for a while, not cry over it, not get depressed, but it kinda stays on my mind until i prove that person wrong, OR get revenge on them. . .

oh & atm i have no real close friends (after my drug taking) i only had drug buddies .. & i just finished a makeup course about 2 months ago & im doing nothing with my life :S .. i dont know what im into, i dont like studying, im more into creative type of things .

anyways thanks for the reply :) hope u can write back again, tell me about ur personality abit , i would really like to hear about it , thanks xx

[deebaybie]

and i just realised how in ur earlier post you said that boderline has traits from many different personality disorders ... i like that too, everytime i would read about a personality disorder i would pick out a few things that sound like me but then the rest are completely opposite/different to what i am so i would be like 'omg i have abit of everything'
thanks for that, it helped !

[deebaybie]

i forgot to add this -

i kind of want to have a mental disorder? i dont fake my symptoms or anything but i love researching mental illness, i love reading about it & watching youtube videos & reading forums.. at one stage in my life when i was at school at the beginning of year 12, i dropped out of school to "focus on being depressed" i felt like school was exhausting because i was around people who always made jokes to eachother & made fun of eachother (everyone was like that) & i felt like, me laughing & talking & acting like a funny bimbo was making me hide my depression instead of dealing with it, so i left school so i can get more depressed.. in a way it was kind of like .. i was on the edge.. i would laugh & joke around people &  they wouldnt take me seriously if i was to tell them i had depression, so i left & just stayed home & made myself kind of get into a funk of depression.. the best way to explain this is that, i felt like if i got worse then maybe i would get help & get better to the point of happiness. but being up & down or "sad" but not "miserable" was just annoying, no1 would take it too seriously because i wasnt "that bad" to them.they couldnt see it.

right now, everytime i read about an illness that has some of my symptoms i would say ''omg, maybe this is what i have" then the more i researh it, i think to myself 'nah wrong one'' now im starting to think i dont have borderline, and its probably something else , i know, to find out i have to go to a doctor but i feel like they just dont know what i REALLY feel.

[deebaybie]

and i get realy annoyed from certain sounds, like someone sneezing loudly pisses me off & my sisters cough at night time really really annoys me. if that helps !

[Jaquta]

Everybody has various traits of the different pd's.  It only becomes a pd when it interfers with a persons ability to function.  The dsm-iv has the definition of pd as well as the various ones.

BPD is bpd.  BPO has the mix of other pd's.  You might find more info on it on the net.  Really not into going into it in depth at the moment or trying to figure it out so that it comes across clearly.

A lot of people don't understand about depression or mental health.  Many don't really get it until they've been through it or experienced some sort of adversity.

Playing the sick role can absolve us of taking responsibility for ourselves and our lives.  Being sick is usually associated with others helping or nurturing us.

Many people don't see how mh affects us.  A physical disability yes and a lot of people have a lot of compassion for those people but people with mh issues, it's not as obvious.
bpd can be more debilitating than a physical issue.

No one can know what you feel unless you tell them.  Be honest with them.  They can try and relate that info back to treatment that might help.

Me?  I'm quite conservative.  Traditional.  I like sport and out door activities.  I am probably more a physical versus mental person.

I have issues with anxiety, depression, trauma, etc.

Other stuff is maybe a little too personal.

I have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer and have surgery next week.
I have long standing issues with the mhs.  I was sectioned under the mh act for severe depression and then later threatened with ect.  I have attempted suicide and ended up in icu several times.

I like animals, music, reading.

You sound a little like me in researching stuff on the internet.  i think that can be almost like an obsession.  It relates back to anxiety.  Not entirely sure if that is part of ocd.  I have ocd too.

That's heaps for now.

I'm really sensitive to noise too.  I starting to wear earmuffs around the place because everything was so loud and it really grated.  Like that feeling you get when people scratch their fingernails up and down a blackboard.
I hate people burping and farting in my personal space.  I hate listening to people eat.  that and them slurping.  I choose not to sit at the table because the noise just drives me nuts.

Your sister could have asthma if she's coughing at night.  She should get it checked out.