borderline personality disorder

[joannemcfc]

im so mixed up i feel as though im hanging on to a very thin thread from going over the edge.i feel a terrible sickness in my stomach,probably through anxiety,god i hate feeling like this.i feel as though im not coping as there is nothing to turn to,my partner has tried to help but im fed up of being like this and i feel as though no one can truly help  me.i feel like screaming.i feel the need to just go away and have a rest but i cant for my childrens sake and theres no one to take over.i just want to feel ok and in control again and not some sad case who cant help herself.i know im strong deep down but all my strength has been zapped.my emotions are comparable to a pinball machine pinging from one sound to the next but always ultimately hitting rock bottom.

[joannemcfc]

i also didnt mention that i feel so very tired.i have to pretend to my kisd that im ok bless them,but im not coping.i feel as though i need to go into hospital to stop myslef from spiralling more,i keep having self harm thoughts,,,are all these part and parcel of having bpd,ive only recently been diagnosed,i know i have alot of the symptoms but to feel like this is absolutely terrible and i dont know where its all going to end.im on prozac propranalol and a small dose of diazepam.i feel so alone but at the same time want to be alone,,,,i need some help,,,i feel angry and that ive losing control rapidly,,thanks for reading this,,,joanne x

[triedeverymed]

I know the feeling. I had to tell my son last night that I was sick. Almost broke my heart but he needs to know it cureable, may not seem like it now but it is. I'm like you I want to go away, alone and try to get better but it's not an option. I guess we just get on the ride and hang on tight-knowing that someday it will stop. it's all that gets me through. Dumb question but have you told your doc the real severity of your illness right now? He may change up meds to get you through it. Shoot, I'm sure you did, I'm sorry. I will just pray for you & be here for you like others were here for me.
Hugs!!

[joannemcfc]

thankyou so much for your comment.yes,it does feel like that we have to just keep on hanging in there until the rollercoaster ride stops and we can get off,but by god,isnt it tiring?i feel a alittle better than i did yesterday.i had a couple of vodkas last night because i had to do something just to be able to relax for a little while.its not something i would make a habit out of as my mum was an alcoholic when i was growing up so im aware of how it can become a crutch,,i just needed to have a bit of  rest from it  and relax.As for my medication,the kids are off school at the moment so its a bit difficult to get to the doctors and my daughter goes in hospital for a leg operation next week so again its going to be difficult getting time for an appointment to see him,i think im just going to have to put my head down and muddle through it at the moment,,,once again,,,thankyou so much for your message,,,keep in touch,,take care ,,,,joanne x

[Paulm2008]

wow. i wonder if i have the same thing. my emotions and feelings have been 'spiralling' for about 15months....and i had a 'melt-down' in january at work because i didnt know what was wrong with me and i was tired of it. i just always feel pressured to do what i have to do but i really cant without having some kind of an emotional break-down because i feel guilty that i could have felt good all these times but instead it felt like i was living in fear. so i end up feeling bad about the past and worry that im going to have another break-down or just have to shove the feeling way down deep, which is just as depressing. my doc says that i have "some kind of" GAD and depression. so he prescribed me .25 mg of xanax 2 times a day and im currently on 100mg of zoloft. the zoloft seems to help but i still feel upset because of my condition. but latley, the xanax has lost complete effectiveness so he just prescribed me 50mg of seroquel for once a day at bedtime a few days ago. it seemed to really work for me the 2nd day, but today, i feel VERY bad again. i figure that it may not have worked and i just had a 'good day' yesterday. i really have to get a job so i can start saving for college and i dont know what to do, i just feel very un-comfortable around people and im afraid of what they will or are thinking about me when i show my extreme frustration and impatience. i was on oxycodone for my enlarged spleen from my inflammatory bowel disease and i felt great! i felt like i was in-control and i could start doing things again. but ever since i switched to a regular abdomin (abdomen) pain-killer, ive been back to my old self. i just want this feeling to be gone. i just want to feel like i did 2 yrs ago. does anyone have an idea of what my condition is? thanx.

[joannemcfc]

i understand what you mean,,,as in do you go with the flow of emotions and 'crack up' so to speak,which in english terms cos i dont know where you are means,,,,go loopy lol ,or try and bury it,,,,but ive found out that burying emotions means its buried in a very shallow grave so to speak,and sometimes once you have had a very bad experience that its scary to think that you might  be reaching that stage again or maybe even worse?its all a rollercoaster ride its just a fact that you have to stay on the ride till the ride has finished grasping at what you can to make the ride more tolerable if only a little less.,,,i hope this makes sense,and maybe ive only skimmed the surface,but i wish you well,,,keep in touch,,,joanne

[Jeannielou]

Can anyone tell me what definition you are being given for BPD? I will pray for all of you. I get to feeling like that at times. I know my cardiac meds depress me and I want to run away and just live all by myself with no one to tend to but I know that's not possible and would be selfish. (BPD people are selfish and would run away and not care what anyone else thought). I am so glad I found this site. God bless you all.

[lonewolf07]

I've wondered the same thing; in fact, I think I posted the same question.  What is borderline personality disorder?  It has to be more than what we read in the DSM - if it is in there.

Would like to run away too but can't run away from myself ....