Hey so I'm 23 havnt had the best of lives there was a lot abuse from a very young I was a silent child I would read books and climb trees and hide I got on with my school work rarely interacted with the other school kids could only have one friend stupidly gullible stupidly emotional up until 13 when my whole world shook up over night I all of a sudden had a voice and a very spiteful tongue I hated everyone except my bestfriend at the time we were inseparable anyone that tried to get between us I hated and tried chasing off I hated the thought of settling down I fell pregnant at 15 I kept my baby as much as everyone said get rid she's now 7 and the best thing that's ever happened to me things carried on being crap but she kept me going I got into a fight and eneded up with alot of internal damage and was told I would never have anymore kids I was already on a downward spiral and ended up kind of seeing someone he was a very well dressed drug addict I didn't know until I caught him when I was 6 weeks pregnant I left with my daughter and moved away for a few months then ended up in a relationship with a friend just over 4 years later were still together but even though he knows everything about me he never seems to understand stand me or how things work in my head iv had various different diagnosises and 8 months ago I was diagnosed with bpd it hit me like a ton of bricks I was scared confused but it made sense I started to understand myself tried to get everyone to understand including my partner but he wont take in the fact that I'm ill and it really effects my life the paranoia drives me crazy I don't know who to trust it feels like everyone is against me nearly all the time o bottle up pretty much all my feelings so I don't hurt anyone but then it all comes out my family kind of understand but his family ignore it because I don't have a runny nose etc how do I get them to understand I now have three children I really struggle with the younger two sometimes I wish I didn't have them and that they are an inconvenience but most of the time I love them I don't understand I didn't have this with my first child I one friend I can talk to that doesn't take the **** and I have another friend who just uses me as a baby sitter because I don't go out much because of the social phobia there's a lot going on there and I'm really close to getting really angry with her iv spoken to my partner and my other friend and they have seen how angry I'm getting about the whole situation but I just cant talk to her I dont even know why I really want to work but my partner wont let me in case I wander off even to the point of refusing to look after the kids for me saying he's got things to do or telling me he will pay me the same amount to stay at home if I'm out longer than 20 min on my own and I don't answer my phone he phones people to find out where I am if no one knows then he phones the police and they start looking for me because he rubs on the vulnerable adult thing really thick it drives me nuts yet his family say my track record doesnt help because I go for walks alone for an hour or two to clear my head before I snap I see it as safer that way I'm really quite in tune with myself so I know when things are going wrong and I try to stop it sometimes I fail but I'm working on it I feel like I'm being treated like a child I wish i wasn't like this I hate it and I hate my life I feel soo trapped and permanently judged and don't know what to do
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