how to cope?

hi, i'm really concerned about my BPD. close friends and relationships--i always alienate those around me. when i feel them growing distant, or maybe i'm afraid that they are growing distant, i become desperate. i cry, i desperately try to contact whomever i feel is becoming alienated, i consider suicide...then it all stops and i become normal. but it's a recurring cycle, and i keep going back to it. recently i was not doing so well, extremely depressed, and i can tell that's alienating my boyfriend. now, i have this underlying fear that he'll leave me and it seems like i'm on thin ice--whenever i become this way, it's an obsession, an all encompassing thought--about him leaving me, but also about how everyone always has and that this is how i'm destined to live. the other side is an extreme apathy. but i'd simply like to enjoy things and people without living with this fear of abandonment. i am soon starting therapy for this that i hope will help, but in the meantime i wonder-- is there anything anyone can do, is there anyway, when you feel like you're going to throw a tantrum or become "crazy" and freak people out---is there any thing to control it? detachment, a way of changing perspective... a good book? and if you have Borderline Personality Disorder, do you think you can ever have a normal relationship? my current bf tells me that i have too many needs and he feels like he can't live up to them, esp. with his career. but i don't want to find someone who fulfulls my "needs" bc i don't want to feed this fear of mine. i want it to go away, and i want these needs to go away. any thoughts?

[Nikki1220]

Hi, I can tell you a good book, you may want to look into reading. It is called" I hate you don't leave me" It is a great book . It goes into all aspects of BPD people and it is also for people in relationships with BPD's. It is very inexpensive. Any book store should carry it for under $10.00. I think around $8.00, not sure though. These are definatly SURE feelings that BPD's suffer. Just hang in there and go to therapy. Are you on any meds, there are some meds that can help control feelings and outbursts and stuff. Talk to your DR. , I am currently taking Seroqual at night 25mg to sleep and it calms me and my thoughts, and lamictal is like a mood stabilizer, to prevent the outbursts. Good Luck!

[LoosyLucy]

hi,
does the lamactil help you? they want to put me on that. and does it make you gain weight a lot or have any other major side effects? it may sound strange...but i've had experiences with horrible side effects...

[Nikki1220]

Hi, No, Lamictal did not and Does NOT make me gain weight at all. I used to be on a combo of abilify and Lamictal and I gained about 10 pounds in about 5 months, but I stopped taking the abilify and lost the weight and have not gained it back. I have not gained any weight from the Lamictal at all. I take 100 mg a day, 50 in am and 50 in pm. I am supposed to take 25mg of seroquel at bedtime and have , but I hate how it makes me feel in the morning. Also, have heard about weight gain with seroquel, more with larger dosages, but I do not want to gain any weight at all. I hate to deal with my monthly weight/water gain from my period. That is hard enough for me to handle. Anyway, Lamictal does help me, controls my mood swings and depressed feelings along with I have way fewer outrage feelings of anger. You should definately give it a try if your DR. has rec. it to you. It wont hurt. I have not had any side effects at all, so far so, hope you find what works for you. Nikki

[singingwillow22]

I feel your pain, sweetheart. I am always afraid people will leave me, to the point that I drive them away, and them beg them not to go. I am currently untreated and on no meds. I have been on Abilify....it made me shake all over. I hated it. I was on Well-butrin, but tried to kill myself on it, so that was a no go. I wish I had advice for you, but alas I do not, what I can say is you are not alone. You are strong enough to get through this. Every time you feel yourself getting clingy or afraid, go for a walk, put on some good music and dance, distract yourself. That is what I do, and sometimes it works. Good luck, honey.

[Kittenanthis]

I am lucky enough to have found a partner who has been with me while I struggle. I cannot say for meds, as they put me on Zoloft when really young, then respiridol, then seroquel and now lithium. I dont think anything is working and things just keep getting worse. I will hope that you are able to get through this with everything i have, just as I hope i do.

[LoosyLucy]

hey, thanks.
i decided to simply chill out. no more meds (except the high wellbutrin) and i just decided to leave myself alone for awhile. there are those that i alienate, and if they were a boyfriend they always come back telling me i'm the best ever. i am very loving and if someone takes me for granted then they lose out. i don't want to go to tons of doctors and stuff--it just makes me more depressed because i am spending all these copays and such, spending for prescriptions and i'm young...i just want to learn to be accepted for who i am, since i'm not bad. i have I Hate You Don't Leave Me...I dont like thinking that i have a condition as a way of making myself feel better. i just decided that if someone feels like they need space, i should LET them have it to be generous to them since they are asking for something. and i feel better now, at the moment, and hopefully i can keep myself aware that the universe isn't up to me and i need to deal with it how ever and whatever happens. i have a band that's going very well, i am loved by some people, and it's the people i don't need in my life who make me feel like i'm crazy.

[MsQuickFix]

I was never officially diagnosed with BPD, but the term was thrown around a lot with my psychologist when I was yonger due to my parents abandoning me and the cutting along with the depression and cycle of emotions flowing so fast- basically everything u were describing in your post.  I always feel like everyone is going to leave me in the end, and I will be alone.  I get severely depressed and bitchy and then 5 mins. later I'm wanting to joke around, it baffles my husband.  I just want to tell you that you are not alone, and unfortunenty there are a lot of us out here who feel your pain and feel the exact same way.  The issues with your spouse i can relate to for sure.  I had my husband read a book called "I hate you don't leave me" that really gets the point across to ppl who dont have BPD what its like to be us & know how we feel.  If he reads that it may give him a little bit of insight into how u r feeling so he can know what to do/say and NOT do/say.  Or just to understand you a little better.  I know its hard but try to remember that everyone isnt abandoning you sometimes yiou just feel that way.  For me its really hard to accept that bc my parents really did leave, i was raised by my aunt and uncle, and then my best friends both died when i was 18 so i honestly felt like my world was over and everyone really did leave me. But I moved on, got married and have a son and I know now this is where I really belong and they will never leave me, (oh am i gonna have fun with empty nest syndrome huh?)

[ray31]

I dont have any answers for you(sorry). I actually thank you for posting your question because im in the same situation and it feels better to know im not alone in feeling crazy but really really wanting to be well. thanks.

[diemyn]

No moment has a beginning and an end and neither does any relationship. It's not that they remain in your perceived present forever, but in some way(the way this infinite multiverse works) you are still with everyone you've ever known. I think they got the gist of it when they said friends are with you in your heart, but it's more like the acknowledgment of an infinitely loving universe allows you to be in whatever moment, in whatever frame of mind, with whomever you so choose.

It's our separation from self that triggers such extreme feelings of abandonment. It's like it's happening all over again(like it did when the one decided to become many to diversify it's experience) when you feel a profound connection to another human being and it's lost suddenly. Really, everyone you meet is also you, a part of you, and we want so badly to feel whole.

I used to think of the people in my life as leeches taking my soul(if there even was one) sip by sip, keeping pieces of me for themselves. But then I really thought about and realized that I was doing the same thing to everyone around me; taking what I needed when it was offered and leaving them when I could not gain any more from being with them. Dear humans, it's the exchange that is precious and we should never abstain from connecting to another aspect of ourselves for that one fear of losing them. Nothing is ever lost when you love someone, no matter how much or how little.
Love is all there is. That energy that powers your car is the same as the energy that powers your mind;it's love.

Love and Light,
Diemyn

[ILADVOCATE]

Borderline personality disorder is hard to cope with but I have a friend who is an ex-girlfriend who has it. It seems at the time like life is something undefinable and disturbing and relations with other people are affected. But she recovered after going on Abilify and was better able to enjoy her life and it brought an end to suicide attempts, drug abuse and the like. I have schizoaffective myself but both are treated with the same kind of medications and talk therapy as well of course. There are known side effects to antipsychotics such as diabetes as well as tardive dyskanesia which I have so Lamictal is another good choice as well and both are used to treat it and are effective. I was on Lamictal in the past for mood stabilization and it had relatively few side effects except for monitoring for the rare risk of Steven's Johnson Syndrome (a fatal rash, 1 in a thousand people get it) but you could look up more information and speak to a psychiatrist about it. The medication I am on glycine is still in study but when that is approved by the FDA I'm sure that it will be helpful to a lot of people because it does not cause diabetes, weight gain or tardive and its extremely effective and provides a full recovery.

[diemyn]

Medications for mental disorders have one thing in common, all of them, they plug you into the dark. If they really wanted to help you they wouldn't put fluoride compounds in them. When you use meds you're attempting to fix a higher consciousness problem with lower level methods. There's no evidence that chemical imbalances even cause disorders. There's no way to test for chemical imbalances in the brain. Even if you monitor a person's brain while they are having disturbances you are seeing the reaction there; not the cause. The entire mental health machine, which doesn't profit if you get better and stop needing it, is simply another, newer, way to brainwash the masses and suppress evolution. Consider this carefully before allowing yourself to ingest a drug that permanently alters your brain function. Whenever you want the truth, follow the money. And while you're at it look into the turnaround rate of meds going from helpful to harmful, to gone from the market, okay?

Love and Light,
Diemyn

[ray31]

medications are grossly overprescribed, but to say that they will harm everyone and not help is absolutly false. my mother died of an accidental overdose at the age of 52 after struggling with addiction for years,so i know first hand that medication can harm. on the other hand, my father suffers from severe  schizophrenia, would die if he did not take medication.be informed.studies have PROVEN that people who suffer from bpd do have different brain patterns than those who dont, read the book called bpd unmystified to see the studies that have been conducted. I am informed and would not give advice on this subject if i were not. i dont really know where Diemyn is getting info from.

[ILADVOCATE]

Please understand that how you define your recovery is up to you but that if other people want treatment then they have that right and you shouldn't deny it for them and say that it is the wrong choice. In the independent living model a person with a psychiatric disability has a right to choose treatment or not. No one forces treatment on anyone. As for brain changes psychiatric research has had some understanding of them for a while but now is getting a better grasp as to their exact changes in the brain and with the identification of the exact neurotransmitters involved its better understood. The current antipsychotics (which if people are taking should continue them as stopping them will bring a return of symptoms) can cause tardive dyskinesia which in myself is severe as Parkinson's and potentially (as my psychiatrist is corresponding with a researcher) tardive psychosis. So yes they have severe side effects that permanently effect the brain but many medications have severe side effects. But there are new medications in development that don't. I've posted links to the glutamate antagonists which are one class of study medication that don't cause any of these effects. I am on glycine which is one of them. These medications will be out in perhaps 5 years but I am advocating for them to be released sooner through posting on various sites (including anti-psychiatry sites, against what they stand for) and partnering for recovery with my psychiatrist who is allowing me to publicize this effort so that my advocacy can benefit all mental health consumers. As regards the glycine, it doesn't affect you like other medications. I took it at 9 P.M., my scheduled time. It enhances mental clarity and creativity while at the same time keeping you fully grounded in the real world. I have no connection to the pharmaceutical industry and my work with psychiatrists is as an equal partner. I don't find the system or the idea of recovery to be frightening. We are all working together as consumer/provider and advocating for better treatment that everyone will benefit from.

[diemyn]

"The dark, shattered underbelly of the american dream. Avoid it like the plague, as it stares you from your bathroom mirror...drown"-Jello Biafra

"Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken"-Edgar Allen Poe


Any person who is taking medication should already be aware that there are dangers in abruptly stopping or decreasing dosage. I wasn't suggesting you stop taking them right away or even at all, if you really don't want to. But for those who have not started, they should have more of the big picture as it does factor, should factor, into every huge decision being made. I stand firm in the belief that no one needs medication for any mental illness once they know themselves or at least know that at their core they are an all knowing, all loving, creator.

Medications I've been on:ritalin, prozac, paxil, zoloft, celexa, serzone, seraquel, neurontin, zyprexa, welbutrin, depakote, trazodone, xanax, lithium, effexor
these are just the ones taken for extended periods, the others had immediate adverse reactions and after a couple of doses were discontinued so I don't recall their names now

While a lot is unknown, one thing known about antidepressants is that they suppress REM sleep.

I've been warned and this has been my reply.

Love and Light,
Diemyn

[LoosyLucy]

Hello,
I had no idea that I had asked a question which turned into a general discussion. As for myself, I have have had BPD for a long time. i was, like many people, "actually" abandoned or something, i was told by a parent that they were leaving because of me specifically and so on and so forth. i am feeling a little better now. honestly, i think that borderline personality disorder is a pattern of thinking. but any cognitive pattern is almost a habit. i am on enough medications for various things; i do not want anymore. i do not like to be "sappy," however i have found that meditation helps a lot. and i really believe that i respond to stimulus with a habit that spirals downward. my lover pulls away-- i start to panic. however, now i have found that, when i recognize what's happening, i can stop. my lover pulls away, i let time pass. i might respond, but i've found that freaking out doesn't help.
when i was on all these anti-psychotic meds and mood stabilizers (tons of prozac, klonopin, risperdal, remeron, and something else, all at the same time, not to mention street drugs and lots of booze. the medications made me gain thirty pounds. i stopped taking them. now i'm on some things, but nothing major like that. and i have found that i like to stop and try to find clarity and whatnot, and meditate a little bit. i do not want to go on prescription drugs; i have been a drug addict for a long time, and the last thing i need is to be emotionally and physically dependent on MORE chemicals. so that's the choice i've made. it's up to everyone, but i think that borderline personality disorder is a habitual way of reacting; a knee-jerk reaction, and i believe that habits can be changed once they are recognized.
thanks.

[ILADVOCATE]

Yes I respect what you are saying. First of all within the independent living model its a choice whether a person takes treatment. I've always encouraged it if a person needs it to recover. And there is a huge difference between illegal drugs and medication unless people abuse legitimate medication for recreational purposes which can happen. But ultimately its a choice they must make for themselves unless they are activately suicidal or engaged in destructive behavior. But it shouldn't be about "compliance" or "they put me on medication". Its about "partnering for recovery". Its a different way of approaching things. Anyone can read the journal entries I've posted about how this works (my psychiatrist has read them and supports them). As for medication side effects, I sympathize. I was not able to tolerage anything out there either. And I have to live with severe tardive dyskinesia in a variety of extreme forms.
But don't give up.
There are better medications in store. This is a link to new medications in study:
http://www.psychmeds123.info/
This is the anti-psychotic I am on in Phase II FDA study (in myself its a primary antipsychotic given from my psychopharmocologist, not the one interviewed here)
http://www.schizophrenia.com/research/javitt.htm
and a glutamate antagonist (the new class of antipsychotic) that should enter Phase III (the final stage of studies next year) http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/03/business/03drug.html
If people (this would include the original poster, I am addressing it to this one post) can cope without medication and recover I am not here to promote anything and I am not associated with the pharmaceutical industry obviously. I am a consumer advocate and if people can deal with current treatment (anyone who reads this message) send me an onsite e-mail and join my advocacy campaign to have the new medications released. They do not cause tardive dyskinesia, diabetes, weight gain, sedation, cognitive blunting or movement disorders.The difference in recovery and side effects is day and night. When they are released everyone will see but if you want to advocate to let the public know that the current treatments have side effects you cannot tolerate or don't work for you and that you want the study medications to be released to the public, there is one voice out there and more could be used.

[l-horn]

But I call this thinking too much. It's funny to me...not haha funny ...but 'interesting' funny that I think this is something people experience more when they are young. I think it's probably most common to young people...that is...say...under 30 ? I think the older people get the less they care about this and 'find their groove' or 'grow up' or whatever you want to call it but it can be done at any time. I think one common theme of many people that are young is their inability to be alone.  Do you enjoy being alone ? Not lonely or friendless but being alone. If not, you can burn your friends out and then you're 'deemed 'too needy'. A clinger. One aspect of growing up is having a livable relationship with YOURSELF.  Until you do that, you can't have a relationship with anyone. That whole 'fitting in thing' is highly over-rated. I'm not suggesting a person be an A-hole, and not civil, but I think for many they confuse that with 'judgement'. They fear being judged, harshly.  Further, there can be an inappropriate desire for intimacy. Like telling people 'all about you' when you don't really know them that well. In fact, people that have known you for years don't need to know everything about you, or you them. Not every thought is grist for the mill, even with a spouse.   You have to 'test drive' people. Not everyone is FOR everyone. You pick and choose those you can hang with and they you. But nothing beats 'know thyself'. Nothing speaks for itself like confidence and acceptance of ones self. It's the most powerful friend maker in the world. With that said, 'knowing yourself' doesn't mean obsessing about your every thought but rather, knowing what is trash thinking and how to brush it aside and move on to more productive thinking and behaviour. Sometimes that means, doing nothing. Sometimes it requires action. You can't think your lawn mowed, for example. A great deal of a persons time is spent maintaining their life doing mundane things. Laundry, cleaning, mowing the lawn...etc etc...education...work, keeping fit. Those things take TIME. You can't do those things if you're constantly worried about having friends. Do what you need to do to make yourself 'attractive' as a friend that someone would want to know. Friends and social activities are a result of 'proper management' of your life.  Take that for what you want.

[ILADVOCATE]

I couldn't tolerate Abilify either but there are new antipsychotics in development that dont' cause akathesia (motor restlessness) tardive dyskinesia (as I have from the treatment I was on before) or diabetes/weight gain. I am on glycine which is in Phase II FDA study and is a glutamate antagonist a new form of antipsychotic that has enabled me to make a full recovery from schizoaffective disorder. There is going to be a national symposium on new treatments and even if you can't tolerate the current ones its good to keep updated with what's going to be available:
http://www.narsad.org/help/campaign/publicannouncement.html
For anyone reading this remember that I am part of the advocacy to have these medications become a reality (in the studies they were safe and effective, I am a consumer advocate and represent my viewpoints not those of the companies that studied them and personally testify to this) and someone could send me an onsite e-mail if they want to become a part of this or find out more about how their psychiatrist could potentially obtain glycine which is available now over the shelves but must be given under the care of a psychiatrist as with all medications.