husband 's mental health

My husband is retired after 21 years active duty military. He did well with a structured life. He retired 7 years ago. Since retirement he has been getting continuously more aggressive & mean. # years ago he stared to steal things from ourr house,blankets linens,my rare gemstone collection,antique china,my diamond rings. He stole from his job to the tune of $10,000 worth of stuff. He said he deserved it because they didnt pay him enough. He has since quit the job after getting into it with the boss. He is in constant need of attention,he acts like a child,pretends to fall down & gets very angry if I dont come to his rescue. He goes from doctor to doctor,but never does what they tell him. His mother is the same way.
He gets angry when I aske him where all my stuff is,he says ::I misplaced it"" an entire household of goods. He is verbally abusive,mentally abusive. I have had to call the sheriff on him too. He has a whole arsonal of self torture devices,a mini butanne torch,knives{which he will resharpen} to cut himself,nail clippers.
Is this a behavior or a mental illness.
I should also tell you he takes adderal and effexor xl 350.He admits to being depressed.He only seems happy when there is constant chaos in the household. After 25 years I dont know if I can do this anymore.

[Jaquta]

Behavior of a possible mental illness.

It sounds like he needs an outlet for his anger and aggression.
It also sounds as though he may have an addiction.  Is he sourcing stuff to sell for cash?
Could he be into drugs, alcohol, gambling?

My father is a bit the same.  He will sit in his late mother's chair and pretend to be asleep and pretend to snore.  He will do this during a TV program we are trying to watch.  I personally find it aggravating and immature.  It does capture people's attention but underneath it I think there is an unfulfilled emotional need.

So he gets confrontational (angry) when asked about your belongings.  I think whatever he is doing with it all will provide some clue as to what's going on with him.

People can often become depressed after retirement.  I expect this would be more true for some people with a military background.

An obvious thing to look for in a serviceman is post-traumatic stress disorder.

It sounds like he could do with a structured, intensive, rather physical hobby.

If you have concerns then speak to either your doctor (for advice and support) or his doctor.

Could the medications be causing him to be aggressive?  Some meds are stimulating which may not be what he needs.

OCD is also a possibility if he is hoarding your stuff.  That could help him to feel safe and secure.

Ideally he should be in therapy to work through his issues.

[caregiver222]

First of all, my advice is make plans for a divorce and to get away from him. Do this this week.

This situation is going to get worse, not better. There is no reason whatsoever to put up with this nonsense.

You still have a life to lead and the world can be a nice place.

Yes, your husband is mentally ill.

He has chronic brain syndrome.

Prediction of dangerousness is not somthing that is possible, but life in hades is nothing to look foward to.

[Jaquta]

I don't always understand why someone would choose to throw away the key on someone who has a mental illness.  

I expect after coming back from active duty you need to renegotiate the relationship.
I expect for some people it may become a challenge to be with a spouse 24/ 7.  I expect you both have experienced a lot in your time apart.  I expect for some people that could become a barrier.

I don't know specifically what your problem is, whether it is a marital one or one where your husband is legitimately unwell.  I mean, certainly he is unwell.

Usually I would tell someone to set limits and boundaries but I feel that your husband would have issues with that.  Mainly due to the discipline and authority in the army.  My concern is that he could or wold retaliate.

Non-compliance can sometimes be due to not feeling understood.  Sometimes people need to feel accepted for who they are before they will change.  Change can be scary and sometimes the thought of moving on can leave one feeling as though things weren't that bad.  Often in the moment things can feel extremely negative and overwhelming.

The safety aspect is a huge concern but you will be in a better position to judge that.
If you have concerns for either his or yours or others safety then you need to call the police.  Since he is so aggro I would have him committed, assessed and treated.

Maybe the falling down represents what has happened to troops and the anger is directed at those who haven't helped or who have put him and others at risk.
Does he need permission for what he has done and to be able to put the past behind him?

Self-torture seems to indicate that he is angry with something he has done.  Or is about an aspect of himself that he is having trouble tolerating.

I think the need for chaos is a need for stress and high adrenaline.  Sometimes it happens when people are anxious.  It can feel a bit like withdrawal if it's not there.

He sounds lost and unwell.
I would urge you to get advice as to how best to deal with this situation.
If your husband does snap there is always the potential for him to kill himself and/ or others.

I generally prefer the expert forums (and I would refer you to the mental health expert forum, only the expert is away) but there are other community forums which you may find helpful.  There is one specifically on military health that you may find helpful.

If you feel burnt out a break is sometimes advisable.  That way you can make better decisions with a fresh mind and a more stable perspective.