mother daughter bad relationship

well it is a long story so hang on with me please , iam 22 years old pharmacy student and engaged -wedding is within 1 year as soon as i finish studying- i USED to have a loving understanding mum for the past 20 years yeah sure we had ups and downs like any other family but she has been changing dramatically the past year she is being un supportive non carying saying the worst stuff to me , even she said that my fiancee deserves someone better than me she also said that she is just doing he duties with me just for god but nt because how she feels towards me as she feels nothing for me ,she is always trying to put me in trouble with my dad or my fiancee i got her flowers on mother's day she gave them to the woman next door ...i have two other brothers she is good to them maybe even better than she ever was ....even though am the one who cares  when she is sick or something i do stay beside her i am a very loving daughter i always treated her as my best friend ...she gave me a hell of time during preparing for my engagment party ,yeah my party was a fancy one but she gave me a hell of time preparing for it i was a bout to call everything off just one day before ..my birthday she gave me a hell of time , just had a break for like an hour when my fiancee took me out, she got me no present or a cake to celebrate with the family like we with any of us ...the day after i didnt get an internship i was keen on having so i stayed in room sad and depressed she didnt even ask whats up with me , now i ended up not talking to her life is better this way ,they only thing i cnt get WHATS WRONG HAPPENED TO THIS WOMAN she turned from being a supermum to a step mum and iam stuck in this for a yearf ...help

[Jaquta]

Maybe something's happened in your mothers life and it isn't about you?  Maybe she is pushing you away because she feels like she's losing you and that is her way of coping.  Could the change represent an undiagnosed medical condition?

[Dmarie_76]

Just from some personal experience, I would say its possible this is part of the BPD that creates a feeling of abandonment. You're accomplishing things and she might feel you are leaving her behind. The BPD seems to cause one to only think of one's own survival. You're getting married and leaving her behind. I have also noticed in times where everyone else is happy and celebrating, the person with BPD is not feeling attention and feeling out of control so in acting badly, its at least a way to feel some control. I would recommend doing some reading on BPD and realize that your mum's issues are her own, and not a product of anything you're doing. You're a good and worthy person-worthy of love and respect, these are things that you just may not be able to receive from your mum because she is unable to give them. I hope you are able to enjoy the time with your fiance and focus on your needs and your worthiness. Best wishes to you and your fiance!

[Jaquta]

I don't think it's about attention but I think that when others are enjoying themselves it can trigger our own losses.  Acting badly can be in response to the stress.  I don't believe it's intentional.

Parents can feel hurt and sabotage our efforts to move on.  Whether that is conscious or subconsious.

The party stuff I perceived may have been due to your expectations.  I also believe that you may have your priorities wrong.  I know my family love me even if they don't give me a card, cake or present.

The above poster is right.  Your mother may not have intrepreted your cues exactly right.  It is sometimes easy for people with bpd to assume that others know what we think or feel when the reality is that their thought patterns are totally different to our own.  It doesn't even necessary have to apply to a mental health issue.  Sometimes just different experiences and different values and beliefs can create discrepencies.

It could be called empty nest syndrome too.

If there are things that you don't want to compromise on, set limts.

[inneedofhelp82]

Does she have BPD or is it assumed that if someone behaves in any way unloving that they have BPD? I have BPD and i love my children totally i believe in giving what you recieve and would only mistreat someone if they done that me. Maybe i am way wrong about this but i am confused as to why this post is here.

[Jaquta]

It didn't strictly say bpd.  Relationship issues can often be attributed to medical causes.  If we were looking at the post in a strictly bpd black and white way then no the post shouldn't be here.

I think as posters we sometimes need to look at our own behaviours too.  Meaning, is it me or is it mum?  Sometimes it can be a combination of both.

[inneedofhelp82]

I was just curious thats me and my BPD i get so defensive i hate the way we are labelled as bad or horrible people, people can be bad and mean without having BPD, thats why i was wondering was she just assuming her mother had BPD because of the way she was behaving.

[Jaquta]

Me too.  And it seems that some antisocial borderlines are how some perceive us all.  We are who we are because of our past experiences (and our temperament).  Maybe if people were more compassionate about other peoples stories they would come to understand.
I didn't understand either though till mental illness happened to me.

Some people, often feeling desperate for help, just don't know what it is or where to go.
Yeah, funny though that relationship difficulties are attributed to bpd.  I had no idea what bpd was, and still don't really to be honest.  As it only affects 1-2% of the population it seems a little strange that people would be so (partially) knowledgeable about it.

If you don't think that a post should be in this forum then just report it.  I have and I know others have as posts are shifted.

[inneedofhelp82]

It doesn't bother me that much i was just curious and a little offended if they were just assuming she had BPD because of the way she behaved, i never understood what BPD was until i was dx with it and i am still confused but i never assume that every person i meet who has a temper or is rude in anyway has BPD actually anyone who i have spoken to who has BPD are far nicer and more understanding people that people who don't have BPD so i don't know why we are judged so badly if only people got to know us first before assuming things about us.

[Jaquta]

That is true of many things.  I am guilty of judging and labelling too.  If not with bpd then with other labels.

I learnt that assume thing.

When you make assumptions you make an *** of U and ME.

I think that sometimes labels come with a lack of respect too.  Sometimes I feel they are to hurt and not just offer diagnostic information.  I sometimes feel that health professionals don't work on the true meaning of the diagnosis and instead choose to focus on the negative, stigmatising and discrimintory stuff, like people with bpd being manipulative, etc.

[inneedofhelp82]

My driving instrustor taught me that one the assume thing i have always remembered it.
I still can't get over how badly i was treated because of my label its horrible to think that someone can judge you so badly without knowing anything of your past, the social worker who gave me a bad time did alot of damage by assuming that i was something i wasn't he just saw my label and gave me a pile of abuse without knowing how i was feeling or why i had acted the way i did and worst thing is he got away with it, nothing i can do about it people say let it go but i have trouble letting go espically of that.

[Jaquta]

I tend to hold onto things too.

I was just telling my GP how when in hospital they don't treat you with very much respect (I said like a piece of trash).  He seems to have this perception that people listen to you when you have something to say.  It's hard having a label.  Some people can cease treating you as an individual.  If you are labelled as having bpd or as being mentally disordered they don't care and they don't seem to care that you have thoughts and feelings of your own.  Many people can't understand how traumatising that powerlessness can be.

[inneedofhelp82]

I can totally agree with this but know whats funny is that before i was dx with BPD i never thought that way i had mental health problems but i wasn't afraid of people knowing now i am terrified i won't tell anyone its like its ok to be depressed and have OCD and argraphobia but to have BPD is a whole other story i am now ashamed to be me because its my personality that makes it my fault and something i should be able to change makes me feel like a freak like i don't belong or fit anywhere.

[Jaquta]

With personality it feels like others are attacking us personally.  With other diagnoses it can hurt but nowhere near as bad.  There is so much stigma attached to bpd.