need help dealing with mother

[sallymay65]

I had previously posted on this website about my mother's odd behavior. I think she has some sort of personality disorder. She was abusive and neglectful growing up, stopped drinking 7 years ago though, but still displays odd behavior. She shares a birthday with my sister, which is also on Mother's day sometimes. Last year, she had to share the spotlight with all the aunts and grandmother's at a luncheon. We had gotten her and my sister a birthday cake and proceeded to sing happy birthday after lunch. Upon finishing, she told the room full of 15 family members to start again and wait while she got her video camera. She pointed the camera at herself and forced us to repeat happy birthday. She sang loudly along and emphasized the "happy birthday to ME" part while smiling into her camera. It was painfully embarassing.
I am thinking about having a small wedding soon, but when I start thinking about her being there and the possible antics she might display, I chicken out. I can't bring myself to go through with it. She still gives my sister grief for not honoring her enough at her wedding 6 years ago. She ruined my highschool graduation because she felt her ex-father in-law was snubbing her. She is always expecting grand displays of honor from people, yet she is lucky to even have the relationships she has. If things don't go her way, she will scream and yell at people like a bully. My poor 85 year old grandmother is usually her target.
I am afraid she'll grab the microphone at my wedding and give a speech about her past alcoholism and our strained relationship. If given the spotlight, she will abuse it. She'd talk until someone cut her off, then she'd get mad. She has no idea what it means to respect others, its all about her. I want to have a suite reserved for me and my girlfriends to prepare for the ceremony, but I know she will crash it, then I'll have to be a total a-hole because I will make her leave. Then she'd spend the rest of my wedding crying, and she may talk about my abuse of her in her wedding speech.
Perhaps I am worried for nothing, but I've seen her in action MANY times. She doesn't understand her role as my mother and never did. I do not want to be friends, I do not want her to come to my bachelorette party, but she is so desperate to be my friend, she would find out where we were going and show up. Last week she went to a bar I go to and asked everyone if they knew me and introduced herself. Last year  she tried to get me back in touch with an ex-boyfriend from 7 years ago who was an alcoholic and later a drug addict. She hoped that perhaps I would leave my wonderful fiance(who doesn't have addiction issues) for the addict she can relate to.
I want to have wedding so bad, but I am too scared. I am a very sensitive person and I can't stand socially innapropriate behavior. I am 33 years old and she embarasses me just as much as she did when I was a teenager. My fiance is very publicly embarrassed by her as well. He is fine if we just elope but I'd really like to celebrate with my friends.  Talking to her about it beforehand won't help, she has a one track mind. When she goes into manic mode, nothing stops her. She will literally tell you that it is her life and she will do whatever she wants.
What can I do?
any advice?

[ILADVOCATE]

Two issues. First of all plan the wedding and be happy. Secondly as for your mother she needs to speak to a psychiatrist and they might consider histrionic personality disorder as well as borderline personality disorder as a criteria. Medication, talk therapy and behavioral therapy combined can be of good effect in this hard to treat psychiatric disability but she does need help.

[sallymay65]

Thanks for the feedback. I know I just need to live my own life and be happy. I would love for my mother to talk to a psychiatrist, but there is no reasoning with her. She has been to MANY doctors, pyschologists, etc but stops seeing them as soon as she disagrees with them. Also, how would I ever find out what they say?
She is paranoid too. I knit her a poncho and she accused me choosing hateful colors (red and black). Once, she called an ex boyfriend's older sister and accused him of sexually mistreating me. She accuses people of harrassment all the time. In a restaurant recently, she told me that my dad used to beat her (they divorced 30 years ago, you'd think it was last week). He is not a violent person. I suggested she try to let it go and she got up and left me alone in the restaurant. She can't let go of anything and is always fabricating scenarios of abuse, with her own mother, salespeople, contractors, her neighbor,me. Everyone is out to get her and ripping her off. If I don't get to the phone when with my sister, she accuses us of avoiding her, and screams and hangs up on us.
I am SO afraid of a wedding because she will hate to see all of my lovely friends and my relations, I have always kept it separate. She gives me grief about having a father that has money and chose to  help me in college and life, as if I can help it, and as i I should feel bad about it. She had a great dad, why is she jealous that I too have a dad?
She would never help with life stuff, but if you wound  up homeless she'd be the first to come find you and take you out to a steak and lobster dinner.
Which is another thing, she told her large side of the family I was homeless (when I went camping for a month with a boyfriend), then thought he was a murderer and went searching for me in ditches when she couldn't find me. She loves turning stories into failure stories and will let you fall so hard before helping you out. And if you are down, she'll kick you further.
I have come so far in life despite the lack of guidance and I have so much anger. I am afraid I will lose it at my wedding because she strikes a chord so deep.
My sister thinks it's all me now, and I just need to not judge so hard, but my sister is kind of trashy and accepts behaviors from people that I find totally unacceptable (like animal abuse and such). Also, she prides herself on being able to let things roll off her back, while stuffing 1/2 a cake per day down her throat (NO JOKE,she is addicted). She is obese and has an eating disorder. I don't think she is dealing with it.
Anyways, I need counseling, I know.
Thanks to anyone reading this, it feels good to write.

[ILADVOCATE]

Its all part of her disability although clearly its impacting on you. The family has to unite and be supportive but firm about the idea of her seeking psychiatric help. Clearly its gotten out of hand.

[tory1967]

hi-
i just read your post from january where you were asking for help dealing with your mother and what to do about your wedding plans.  i don't know if you have gotten married yet, but i hope things went well.

i have been dealing with my mother who has borderline personality disorder...i didn't know that was what she had until i was taking a psychiatry course in medical school and suddenly realized what was wrong with her.

i am now 42, married with a little girl.  i didn't have a wedding because of her (eloped). she ruined my medical school graduation. she will not go to a therapist because she has no logic or insight. the problem in her mind lies with everyone else.

i have spoken with several psychiatrist friends and they all agree that these patients are the hardest to treat because they externalize all blame and will not accept the problem is with them

my advice to you (as you will be dealing with your mom for many more years) is for you to see a therapist to help you deal with your mother.  i have been seeing a psychologist for about a year, and it has been very helpful.  i have accepted that she will not change and that i don't really have a mother in  the traditional sense.  i am determined to give my daughter a normal life and not have her grandmother have a negative impact on her.

if you haven't gotten married yet, i would suggest a small, intimate wedding with a few friends or elope.  you realize that if you don't, the wedding will have to be all about your mother and not the bride and groom.  it may take therapy to let go of the resentment you may harbor toward your mom regarding how her irrational and unpredictable behavior negatively impacts your life.

good luck to you.