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panicking

i am trying to get pregnant, but i am worried that because of my bpd behaviour, if i have a child that it might get taken away from me, which i think would drive me mad especially after my son was stillborn last year i just can't stand the thought of losing another child in any way
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Avatar_f_tn
I think that it's wrong to try and bring a child into the world when you're mentally unstable.  I can understand why you would want too but I also think that you need to look at the bigger picture.  I think that you should better manage your mental health before trying for another child.  That's my personal opinion.  It may be harsh but I think it is unfair on the child and the parent/s to do so.

Were you able to get advise from the other forums?

What has your doctor said?  Are you in therapy?  Is this something you have discussed with your therapist?
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Avatar_f_tn
i have spoken to psychatrist and he agrees, that it is something that will help my recovery, as this was when my problems came to the fore, i was very stable before hand i know that i could look after a child, i should be looking after a child marcus was planned, it was only after losing him that i lost it and was reminded of the sexual abuse as a child i am currently awaiting cbt
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Avatar_f_tn
If you have your psychistrist's support then that is good.  If things did turn to custard later, which they may or may not do, then surely he would support you in keeping your child.

I almost sense that a baby is being used as a defense against looking at the deeper issues.  Maybe a baby just completes everything though without some stuff needing to be trudged through.

You do know that any child you do have is not going to be Marcus.  Nobody will ever be able to replace him.

You have lost Marcus and you need to grieve for him and move on.  You need to be able to function again.  Focusing on reality and what each moment brings can be helpful.

Is there stuff you can do in the meantime to help yourself become stable again?

How is your husband/ partner coping with the loss?  Where are you at with the infertility?  Have you spoken to someone about this?  Been tested?

I'm sorry if my posts come across as being insensitive.  I can not begin to comprehend the hurt you are experiencing.
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Avatar_m_tn
Well.im+not+going+to+say+youre+wrong+for+wanting+to+get+pregnant.but+i+will+say+get+all+the+help+u+need+to+get+on+a+healthy+level+before+having+a+child.+Believe+me.angry+behavior+damages+a+child.even+later+on+in+adulthood
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Avatar_f_tn
i know another baby will not replace marcus he will always be my first child, i have spoken to a lot of people who have experienced a stillbirth, and they confirmed what i already thought, they felt better once they had a living child, and i am 100% sure i will too, i was never like this before i have been grieving for marcus for the past 13months , once i have a child my focus will be that child i am becoming stable have been off meds for 2 months and am doing well all they did for me was mask the problem, i suppose its not like that for everybody but for me it is
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Avatar_m_tn
hi, as I read, u say u have bipolal behavior so where did u get that,
if u were diagnosed as bipolar then it is near impossible to believe that your Psychiatrist believes for u to have a child again that it will BE GOOD FOR U
   yet;
(U SAY U FEAR the state would take the child SO WHERE did u get that idea)
. . to me; I would have to see and hear the Psychiatrist say such.

. . . and BTW u never spoke of husband so who is it u r trying to get u pregnant?

good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
lauraj has spoken to her psychiatrist about it.  It is her life and she was present for the consult and that is all that matters.  this is between her and her doctor and her and her support people.  We have to trust that laura and her doctor do what is best for her.

It's probably assumed that it's a husband or partner.  That part of the equation is important too but perhaps not all that relevant to what is being discussed.  To have another child they are going to have sex or go through IVF, etc.  Their business.

I think that we have to be well ourselves before we have children.  Children born into dysfunctional homes can sometimes heal them though.

I think that she's making the effort to get well.  Has done what she can to protect her child from potential damage caused by meds.  I wish her well for the future.

I would just recommend evaluating things as you go and getting help where needed.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you jaquta i have a partner and ohcalctagirl it is not bipolar i have it it borderline personality disorder, and if you had read properly what i said at the start of this post maybe you would understand a bit better i fear because that is the paranoia coming out as i said my probs began last year after my son was stillborn the post mortem couldn't give any reason for this
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Avatar_f_tn
I think there may have been other info on another post.  I know that your first post was transferred to another forum.

It's amazing though when you go back and re-read something how you can see different things.  Or pick up stuffed you missed, etc.

It would have been nice to have had some more info about your child, especially if it could have helped another.  Bugger putting your child through that process as well.

I think that you'll make a great mother.  I think that another important thing for us all to do is to follow our dreams.  (Being realistic though.)
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Avatar_f_tn
thanx i just feel i want a child, marcus was a very wanted child, myself and my partner planned him, it breaks my heart that he is not here for me to cuddle and shower with affection, i think i was a bit traumatised by his birth as when i gave birth to him i was expecting him to look different as it turned out he had been gone for a couple of weeks before hand, and didn't look good at all  i kept thinking he was moving but it was the waters that was making it seem he was, apparently a lot of people make this mistake, its not one i will ever make again, i think what freaked me out the most was realising i had been walking around doing everyday things with my baby dead in my womb for so long  i guess i felt contaminated, but i am coming to terms with that now, i try not to think about it now
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Avatar_f_tn
I wouldn't know what that would feel like.  Have you thought that that could be a bpd splitting thing (with the all good and all bad).  The baby was dead, which was bad, so you associated other stuff as being bad too?
Sometimes if I get a newspaper and then someone reads it first I feel that it is contaminated (maybe not with germs but with ?themselves and their personality).
I don't know how much he would have decomposed in that time.  It must have been pretty gross or anxiety-inducing for you.  Traumatised is probably a good word.

My sister's friend had to go through labour and deliver her stillborn child.  I expect that must be extremely difficult.

It was Marcus inside you.  It's hard to even say that you would never be contaminated by him because intellectually you know there was a chance you could have become ill.

I would suggest you cherish all the beautiful memories though and perhaps focus less on the end point.  It's like that line between a persons birth and death.  They say the line or the life is the important part.  He was alive during his growth.  People can be brutally murdered or tragically killed, etc.  The death should never minimise the life or existence.

What were some of your most favourite times during pregnancy?  Just don't overlook all those precious memories and feelings.  They're priceless.  That is something you all shared together.

I think that you needed to see him for closure.  It may not have been what you would have liked to have seen but in time you will heal from that.  Not seeing him may have left you with a lifetime of regret.

Did you bury him?  Do you visit his grave?  Do you talk to him?

My questions are insensitive.  I just don't know what to say other than how desperately sorry I am.

Do you talk about this with other people?  It's probably a really important part of the grief and healing process.
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Avatar_f_tn
i had him cremated, when i was sitting in the crematorium looking at his coffin, i thought about picking him up and running out of the place it took all my will power not to, i visit his grave, if hadn't seen him i know i would have regretted it i held him aswell i don't associate everything bad where marcus was concerned just his death, i have never loved or wanted something or someone so much in my entire life, i wasn't contaminated by him it was the death of him, he was still my baby boy either way
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Avatar_f_tn
It would make sense to want to do that.  If it were my family member I wouldn't like to be confronted by the truth that they are dead.  Much less be forced to accept that fact.  Denial can be a good thing.  It can protect you from that overwhelming pain.

I like having a physical place where you can go to grieve.  My Pop's (grandfathers) ashes where said to be spread over some rose bush.  I found it hard coming to terms with the fact that someone who I cared so much about was just treated dismissively.  We later learned that he hadn't just be dumped somewhere summarily (although had been sitting on a shelf) as I was able to gain some closure through a proper burial.

People often become selfless when they have children.  It must have been extraordinarily painful not being able to right what was wrong and to have a healthy child.

Another child would be a strong way to force out any residual feelings of contamination, etc.

Can I ask you a question?  If it were to happen to you again do you think that you would cope?  I know that you would struggle but you would cope.  Do you think that you've done enough work, are stable enough, in case that were to happen again?  I don't expect it would.  I guess maybe you just can't prepare for stuff like that.  It would make sense to go into something incredibly optomistic.  Are you able to look at stuff positively like that?
With my bpd everything is often shrouded in negativity.

Hey, you're making me feel all clucky.  A child is a huge asset (gives so much).
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Avatar_f_tn
i don't think i would cope if it were to happen again, i tried to kill myself after marcus i just wanted to be with him, but my consultant said its highly unlikely it would happen again, and i would be closely monitored throughout another pregnancy, i would probably be neurotic as hell, understandably i think any mother would be, i mean technically i am a mother, just not in practice although i feel like it sometimes i have 8 nieces and nephews aged between 15 and 2 and stepchildren aged 13 and 15.
it was very painful not being able to do anything for marcus, one thing i struggle with is the girl in the flat next to me has just had a baby when i hear it crying it makes me feel so empty and i'm thinking i should be looking after my baby, not mourning him but i can't change it hes not here, sometimes it feels like hes still in me kicking away
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Avatar_f_tn
Maybe those feelings, of him kicking you, are just a reminder that you need to let him go, in a sense.

I think that having nieces and nephews can sometimes also increase your sense of loss.  I expect it must be extremely hard to have to tolerate the baby noises, etc from next door. Having to live through that each day can't be easy.

Did you end up discussing infertility with your doctor?  Would a break away from everything help you conceive, do you think?
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Avatar_f_tn
i have an apt friday with my gp, i have been trying to conceive for a year now so maybe i might get some fertility help,
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Avatar_f_tn
Duscussing it with an expert would be a good place to start.
My sister went to a doctor to discuss infertility and during a routine ultrasound found out that she was pregnant.  I guess she was pretty lucky though.

Good luck with your appointment.
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Avatar_f_tn
i went to see my gp he is sending me for blood tests to check my hormone levels and to see if i am ovulating, i have to wait until day 21 of my cycle
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Avatar_f_tn
It's a bit of a bummer about the wait but it must feel good that some action is being taken.  I hope you still have eggs, etc.  Some people have run out of eggs in their 20's.  That's me projecting my fears but I hope your blood tests come back fine or point to something that can be easily fixed.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.  One day you will be able to look back and perhaps appreciate that there was a reason for all this.  Sometimes everything just seems plain cruel but somewhere there is meaning in it.
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Avatar_f_tn
yeah i know what you mean but i'm feeling more positive because its getting investigated, i was talking to a friend of mine yesterday she is 25 wks pregnant, she also had a stillbirth last year, and she said that once she had come off anti-depressants she got pregnant a couple of months later, if there is a problem with my eggs they can give me clomid which stimulates ovaries to produce eggs, the dr said it looks positive about ovulation cos my cycle is like clockwork, i think your probably right about things happening for a reason i wouldn't have known about the bpd if this didn't happen, i always thought there was something wrong with me now i know what it is
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Avatar_f_tn
It's good to get the bpd diagnosed and treated.  It's encouraging about your friend.

I have to go.  We have painters here and they've just come in to do this room.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'M PREGNANT!!!!!  i feel so happy!!
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Congratulations.  Wishing you and your husband all the best.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you xxx
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Avatar_f_tn
You're welcome!  I actually envy you a little.  It sounds like an exciting (maybe somewhat scary) time.  You sound really happy though and that is extremely important.  It feels so right somehow.  It has this magical feel about it.

I hope you all remain healthy throughout the pregnancy and have a healthy child at the end of it.

Good luck.  Will be thinking of you.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank  you i am very anxious but i'm hopeful, and your right it does seem right to me also, i am extremely happy haven't felt like this since i was carrying my son Marcus xx
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Avatar_f_tn
The main thing is that you get good support from your husband and medical team.

I was just reading a Mills and Boon medical romance where two women, both working in the NICU, had lost new borns.
It highlighted some of the stresses put on the parents.  One couple was asked to turn off their baby's life support.  The other woman had to have a hysterectomy.  It was fiction but it mirrors what can happen in life and it was sad.

The woman the story was about then went on to have healthy twin girls.  She was freaked by her pregnancy but would not terminate the pregnancy.  Her and her husband just took everything one day at a time.

I thought of you and your story when reading this book.
I doubt I could even begin to understand how this whole process has affected/ is affecting you.
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Avatar_f_tn
i have had a missed miscarriage i am currently walking around with another dead baby in my body, apparently it died early my body still thinks its pregnant i am having a d and c not sure when they said it could be up 2 weeks, i feel i am being tortured and that i should give up don't think i am meant to be a mum this is twice my body hasn't recognised a dead baby in it i was walking around for 2 weeks not relising my baby was dead and i was 33wks gone this time i am 11 weeks gone the amniotic sac is still growing but the baby is dead i feel so depressed wish i was dead
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Avatar_f_tn
First, I can't believe that ANYONE would say to not have a child because if bpd. That is horrible.
Second, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know many who have been through multiple miscarriages, and its hard, but they all have children now. Work with your doctor. Never give up on life.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Also, dialectal behavior therapy. will change your bpd forever for the better. You will be able to regulate your emotions insyeaf if then controlling your life.
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