splitting

[mary95]

i understand that splitting is a combination of idealizing and devaluation.  i have been split bad for about 1-2 months now by my best friend who is an acting-in bpd.  she gives me the silent treatment, however, about twice a week she can be really nice to me from anywhere from to10 minutes to 4 hours.  then she ignores me again completely.  she won't answer her phone or return any emails.  

if she split me bad, then why does she behave this way every so often?  will she idealize me again for a longer period of time?  we hung out everyday together with our kids and now she is best friends again with her former best friend who she reconnected with after a period of time.  should i just continue living normally and hope she eventually misses me and comes back?  

[ILADVOCATE]

I have an ex girlfriend who is exactly the same way and is diagnosed with bpd but then again I rarely keep in touch with her. Generally if a person follows up with medication and dbt therapy that can and will improve but I'm not sure if it will go away entirely. You might want to go to a NAMI friends and family support group to find out how other people cope with it as well.

[Jaquta]

I disagree with the above post in regards to dbt and medication because I think they both have limited success in treating bpd.

She will continue to split (idealize/ devalue) you until she has integrated important aspects of her personality.
I would think it would be unlikely that she would idealize you for longer periods (which by the way is unhealthy) as she is currently idealizing someone else.  It's possible she may now be viewing you as the bad object (and this other person the good).  Something has happened for her to do this.  Either something you've said or done or not said or done or possibly something this new person gives her or appears to give her.  It could be anything.

You should continue living normally.  You should hope her to come back not because she misses you but because she has invested in the relationship and can give and take.  You could invite her, or encourage her, to engage with you in a meaningful way.
Put limits on her behavior and tell her what you will and won't accept.  She can't just keep changing the rules to suit or accommodate herself.