sudden break up

Hi there,
I've been reading many of your posts and I have the feeling they've helped me a lot.
I still have some questions regarding my own story. Sorry, it's long. Maybe some of you have comments.

I've been with a man now for about 4 months. We both are over 30. He shows some behaviour which makes me think he suffers from bpd. Also his family story hints towards that direction. He seems to show some awareness, regretting actions or disruptions he'd done when angry, which he's easily. He'd also burnt himself with a cigarette some years ago. However, I didn't dare to bring up the topic of bpd and he didn't say anything.

At first we lived in two different countries and our relationship started out as an affair. From the beginning he was complaining about the boredom of his daily life and his emptyness. This was hard for me to imagine as I very rarely have that feeling.
For professional reasons I had to move to the same country but a different city. Our short time affair was taking on shape. We started seeing each other on a regular base on his day off. He very soon told me that he needed paper to go visit his home country. He didn't ask me for anything directly, though. I thought that we'd see how our relationship was going. He asked me later whether I had fallen in love with him and I said yes.

He was so sweet and caring, holding hands all the time, he cooked for me the best food I've ever had and made me meet his friends. I always found returning home very hard. It was as if had left part of my body with him. He said from the very beginning that he loved me. Then, after three meetings (one month) he wanted to talk about our future. I was happy to talk about it because I had a good feeling about us.
Then he started to talk about marriage. I said that for me it was not so important and that it was still very early to think about it. I proposed to go on and see how we'd be doing. (I just wouldn't do that with anyone after having met only four times). Then he said that for him it was very important, culturally and for paper. As he saw that I was reluctant he said that he actually didn't love me because he was in stress. If we got married stress would decrease and there would be a realistic chance that he would fall in love with me. I told him that this was emotional blackmailing and that getting married to him to wait for him to develop feelings (which he'd previously admitted) while I had feelings for him was just too painful for me.
This attempt to manipulate me into marriage was a big shock to me as I had experienced him very sweet before. Then he proposed that we just continue as before.
I couldn't sleep all night. I felt abused by the person I loved. I didn't know any more if what I had felt before was true or if I had made it all up. Also, trust had become difficult. I called him next morning to separate. He didn't really comment, just said ok. After that he was always on skype which he normally never was. It felt as if he was waiting for me to contact him. I did after some days. I asked him whether he wanted to talk. He did and we got back together again.

Since that he's been wanting to quit the relationship three times. Last time was two days ago. His points were always that I didn't love him enough, otherwise I would rescue him and get married to him. There's no compromise in love as he said. At the same time he was saying that there was no love at all in the world and that he loved nobody and never will. His only love was at the age of 20 and was never fulfilled. He was putting himself down, counting the years he'd left to live and complaining about his daily whisky and cigarette consumption, blaming it rather on his situation than on himself. So in a way he was asking me to get married to him not for love but to do him a favour because he was so miserable.
These episodes alterated with extremely attentive and lovable behaviour. He could just switch from one second to the other. The last time we saw each other it was very special. We went out dancing, going to the beach, it was magic. I could definitely feel it was mutual. After me being back home, he sent me lovely text messages. And I assured the feelings he expressed. I felt so happy. We were supposed to talk in the evening on skype. Then he was crying, saying that it's not good to love. Everybody before had left him, love always causes pain, etc.

I'd read in forums about the different phases people go through. So I asked him gently if he was scared about his feelings which he agreed upon. I proposed that he'd have to let go his past, for him to replace his old memories with new happier ones. The conversation ended with him saying that he wanted to learn how to smile more. He had forgotten about it. I was happy that somehow we seemed to have managed to not turn what felt like a depression into a fight. Next day I texted him about whether he'd slept well and I wished him a good day. The answer was only: thanks. Then in the evening he skyped and the whole thing started again. If I'd love him I'd get married to him, etc. I'm supposed to go away for a week. First he wanted to break up, then he proposed I should make up my mind till after my trip and call him if I wanted to get married to him. Otherwise it would be finished.

This again is emotional blackmail. I don't know anymore what to do. I wanted the relationship to develp solid ground before getting into marriage. Being left every second week doesn't really contribute to that. I told him that love is like a plant which needs water to bloom and that it won't grow if you'd cut its leaves every week. His attitude is always take me or leave me.

I guess the situation is a mix between the problems resulting from bpd and his personal difficult situation. I almost start questioning myself: maybe he's right and I should just get married to him because I love him. On the other hand I don't like the way he treats me when he wants his will go through. And the after me giving in, would he be happy? Wouldn't there just be something else he'd need me to do to prove my love to him?

Does anyone have an idea how to get out of this situtation with its repeating pattern?
Many thanks.

[inneedofhelp82]

I don't really know what to say its complicated, he needs to want to change and you shouldn't allow him to blackmail you like that, ideally he would need to accept that he has BPD and get help for it. I can't say that he would be totally happy if you gave in and married him but you shouldn't have to marry someone just to prove you love them.
It is really hard to know how to change this but its unlikely that he will change and you don't want to spend all your life getting hurt either. Sorry i'm not much help.

[heather7870]

Thanks a lot. It helps to get an outside perspective.
I feel you're right about your points and — it is difficult.

He argues that marriage is very important for his legal situation and if I really loved him I would help him to improve his situation because it would help him and consequently our relationship. He comes from a cultural background where you'd nearly sacrifice anything for your family. He claims that I simply don't understand him and uses this as a reason for breakup. I'm wondering what I could reply to break the circle. Probably I should not reply directly to his demands?

I think it's a good point to address that the depressions he suffers from could be treated. He's talked about them before and I know he suffers from overreacting as well, as he often later regrets what he's done. I think that's as far as I could go. In a way I feel he'd be offended if I talked to him about BPD and then I probably shouldn't anticipate a diagnose.

On the other hand he will say that he doesn't have money for treatment. And again if I'd get married to him he'd be able to find a better paid job and have money for treatment.
That's the cons he would object. Then again I don't know what to reply to that.
Do you have an idea?

Many thanks!!

[inneedofhelp82]

Do you want to marry him, do you feel that he can make you happy? I f you love him and want to be with them then i guess its ok to help him what i was meaning was that you shouldn't feel forced into marrying him it should be your choice too.
Yeah depression can be treated that would be a start. Over reacting can be a big part of BPD.
I am trying to understand where he is coming from, i have BPD but i wouldn't see it as an excuse to keep breaking up with someone just because they wouldn't marry me. He really needs to accept that his behaviour is wrong at times, does he ever say sorry for how he treats you?
Has he been to see a therapist or a doctor about how he feels, that would be a good place to start.
No matter how he is feeling its no excuse to treat you badly.

[heather7870]

Thanks for your comments. It's true one shouldn't transfer their pressure to others.

About being happy with him there's one very remarkable thing: we only fight when we're at our respective homes but never really when we're together. We both have noticed that and we came to the conclusion that it's because physical contact makes us feel secure. Just like a child feels secure when their mum holds it. So, I'm very happy when we're together. Do you have the same experience? On the other hand these fights about marriage scare me a bit because they're so disrespectful and verbally manipulative. It's the way he tries to make me marry him. Absurdly it's counterproductive.
It becomes a vicious circle again because he claims that the fights wouldn't happen if we were married. So I'm left with the feeling that the only thing which disturbs me in the relationship will go away once we're married. How do I know it will and it won't just find another trigger?

To continue the most recent story: He got back to me on skype. I could see that he'd calmed down. Still he wanted marriage. I tried to explain my feelings that marriage is something big to me and I'd like to have a bit more time together to actually feel that it is right. We've only been together for about 3 months. His "either we get married or we separate" pressure, each time also threatens my happy feelings about us.

He said that I didn't understand him. So I proposed to see a therapist together to actually see why this is so. At first he refused because of financial reasons, then he said that it's a story only between us and that he was not sick. He proposed that I might be sick.

Then in the end he asked me what I wanted. I said "time". Then he cried and said that I could have anything I wanted from him because he was desperate for love.
So in the end I didn't give in. Nevertheless this made me really, really sad and I felt bad that I got what I wanted. On the other hand I know, his pressure will continue on another occasion.

I'm also wondering whether he wants me or just someone who loves him. How is this for you? Do you sometimes have the feeling you love the feeling of being loved rather than the person?

Thanks.

[inneedofhelp82]

I think you are right 3 months is too soon to commit to a marriage and if he truly loves you he will wait and respect your decision, don't feel sad about it, it would be much worse if you married too soon and then realized that you shouldn't have.
I do love my partner not just the feeling of being loved and we have been together for 13yrs although sometimes my partner will say he gets the feeling i am only with him to have someone help me with our children, he says this because i am not an affectionate person, he knows i love him because i treat him well and look after him and our children but i'm not really into hugs or stuff like that.
I am in no way perfect i get angry and smash things and say things i shouldn't but my therapist said everyone does this just not people with BPD.
The biggest problem i have because of BPD is that i am way to sensitive and i precieve people the wrong way i feel rejected and abandoned alot by everyone and i take alot stuff the wrong way thet people say and get hurt easily by that.
You use the word counterproductive my therapist has said that someone with BPD is so afraid of being left alone that they behave in a way that is counterproductive and then they end up being left alone.
I am scared of giving you the wrong advice, have you any close friends to talk to?
My relationship isn't perfect but then no ones is and every relationship is different but i know i would never try to force someone to marry me it just doesn't feel right but you need to do what feels right for you and stand your ground if thats what you choose.
BPD isn't all about being manlipituve or trying to get your own way people with BPD feel hurt and let down alot of the time and thats why they act that way.
Its hard to say if your boyfriend has BPD or not he would need to see a psychiatrist to find out for sure.

[heather7870]

13 years of relationship is a very long time for everybody. That's good. The longest I managed was 7 years. Yes, nobody is perfect.

What you're saying about being overly sensitive I experienced with my boyfriend as well. Sometimes I say things or laugh and he'll get offended and I had even forgotten what it was. I know he feels hurt a lot but can't always anticipate it.
He's also very caring and warm on the other side.

I also feel that after the fights, when I have assured him that I love him and I'm there for him, he's able to continue the relationship just like that and gives me love back.
Maybe the whole mariagge idea has a much deeper root. He seems to look for affirmation. If I think about it, he'd done some emotional blackmailing in the very beginning about us spending the night together. I didn't give in that time and took it more of a joke. I had hardly known him.
He also says he doesn't want to come home from work and be alone. He wants someone to be there. And he always brings up the marriage topic when he feels alone. I too miss him a lot when we're not together, especially right after we have spent some time together.
Some years ago, he was not allowed to get married to the girl he loved because of their families. He had asked her to run away with him and she refused. I guess that must have hurt him a lot. So I'm the one to refuse again...

My close friends are rather uncompromising. They know about our problems and say I should not tolerate this behaviour and better leave not to be unhappy. On top of it we come from two different worlds which brings many difficulties anyway. He was brought up muslim quite traditionally and I was brought up catholic even though I don't practise. Over the years, I've learned to become quite automonous. I don't have children but would like to have some.

I guess spending more time together and see how it's going is probably the best I can do.
Thanks  a lot for your help. I think I understand a bit better now how he must feel. I hope I can make him understand the same about me for it to be a balanced relationship.

[inneedofhelp82]

Yeah spending more time together is a good idea, you need to be sure its right for you as well its not all about him. I understand he has been hurt in the past but its not your fault, just keep telling him how you feel and how you need it to be for you, i hope he understands he is very lucky to have you as not many people take the time to help or to try to understand their partners if they have BPD or any other mental illness. I wish you all the best with it.

[heather7870]

hi again. Your advice has been very helpful to me and for some time i thought our relationship was improving. now, it looks like this breakup is final as he's erased me from his skype contacts, etc.
only one day before the breakup, he'd asked  me about how many children i wanted, etc.
i think what happened was that i didn't recognise his depression (because he never had one when we were together before). i had picked him up from the station. he would not talk and buy a bottle of whisky at the cornershop. so he would just be in my room drinking whisky-cola, smoking and playing with his blackberry and when i asked him about his mood he didn't answer. when he asked me to take him back to the station to go back home the next morning (this was one hour after he'd arrived) i took it as a provocation and replied that if he wanted to, he could as well leave now (in the middle of the night). that's what he did. of course, i tried to call him right after but he'd push me away, etc.
that was it. he now refuses contact. i think if he'd only talked. of course i regret for what i said to him. i sent him two emails trying to explain my perspective and that i wanted to be with him. i find it difficult to understand how he would forget about everything good we shared and break up just like that without trying to reconcile. i have the feeling that i'm there to understand him but never makes this effort for me.

can you forgive your husband for things he did?
did you want to breakup in your relationship?
i still love him. do you think it makes sense to struggle for this relationship?
i guess many things must be different for you as you actually get treatment. i was thinking that he might have been too embarassed to admit that he's depressed. that's why he wanted to leave in the end. i guess being a male muslim there're also issues about who is in control of the relationship.
i'm curious to know your thougths. many thanks in advance.

[inneedofhelp82]

Hi, sorry to hear this has happened. I can forgive my partner for stuff he has said but it takes a while usually after he has apologized and i have calmed down a bit, we are together a long time so i think that makes the difference i know my partner and he knows me, he says stuff when he is angry and then i take the wrong way but i know that underneath he loves me and he knows  i love him. There has been times i have hated him and didn't want to be with him but we have children and that held us together through those times.
At the time when we fight i feel hurt and sometimes totally devastated and let down but i still want to be with him.
Things are different for me i think just being female is different, i don't recieve treatment for BPD yet i get treatment for depression and soon to start treatment for bpd. I would be classed as a quiet borderline i tend to internalize my feelings instead of taking it out on other people.
It really is hard for me to say what this guy is thinking or what you should do, i know people with bpd can love someone and be in a good relationship but he needs to make the effort as well as you and he also would need to accept that he has depression and get help for it.
Maybe he was hurt and over reacted to what you said people would bpd are very sensitive and often over react to comments. In time possibly he will calm down and talk to you, you see people with bpd only see things in black and white to him and me people can't be good and bad so now if you have hurt him in his eyes you will be bad and that makes it easier to forget all the good you had, this is probably hard for you to understand because as my therapist keeps telling me people have good and bad in them.
I don't know if its worth the struggle or not you will probably end up getting hurt, it really is your choice though, but for it to work he needs to accept he has a problem and get help for it and he needs to stop putting all the responsibilty on you. I hope i was of some help. Take Care

[heather7870]

Thanks so much for your perspective on things.
Yes, splitting is very strong for him. He's told me many times how he sees things always in black and white. Almost as if he was proud of it. It's so sad to think that I'm only black now for him.
I feel, I have put a lot into this relationship and the fact that it seems to be all over because I made a mistake, makes me really sad. I'm not perfect, of course. It's so stressful to have breakup overshadow a relationship as a sword of Damocles all the time fearing that everything I do wrong will end it. It looked like that on different occasions before. It seems totally normal to me that a long-term relationship goes through phases, as you're describing yours.
In the end it's true, it's so important for him to seek treatment. I guess it's the only way our relationship could have a positive perspective.
Thanks again for your help. Take Care.

[inneedofhelp82]

There is a chance you know that he will come back to you and then you need to carefully think about it, do you really want to live your life like this. I know splitting is a big part of BPD and its very hard to overcome this but with treatment he could be helped. You are right no one is perfect and if he can see your faults then he needs to see his own as well. I hope it all works out for you. Take Care

[momo537]

WoW, you have definately been on a rollercoaster. You "Most Definately" need to walk away from this relationship!!! This is Not healthy for either one of you, and it shouldn't be this hard to make a new relationship work. I'm not saying this will be easy for you however, you are important, a worthy person who deserves to be treated with 100% of whatever you need when you need it. Its a give and take, and it sounds like you're doing all the giving. I have been married for 22-years and there has been some difficult times...but trust me, you don't need this in your life. Move on so you can allow the person out there that you're meant to be with to come into your life.

from imomo537

[heather7870]

your last comments were in the end: do you really need this?
i think you're very much right. and i have to make up my mind now that he's come back to me last night. he called me at 10pm asking me to come see him NOW, which means travelling through the night for 2 hrs and then return in the morning because i have things to do.
The day he'd left (one week ago) I started having fever which developed into the flu. Since I don't know anybody who's got the flu I assume it was all psychological. I'm still recovering from it, feel weak and have a cough. Yesterday was the first day without fever.
I'm self-employed. Today I have an appointment and on Wednesday I have an event that i have prepared for half a year.
I told him all this and he still would say, you don't care for me, your work is more important than me, just forget about me. He also said that he was depressed because i was never there when he came home from work. In the end he just hung up on me. a text would follow explaining that he had been emotional, that i should not call or text him, and: have a good life.
i'm getting tired of his demands not taking into consideration my situation like: if you don't do this, it means you don't love me. It's emotional blackmailing. he would not skip a day at work for me. i think some more calls like this will make leaving much easier. but then i should not count on this. it's better not to depend on them as an impulse to leave.
thanks a lot for your support.

[stillhanginon]

Hope I am not butting into the conversation but I wanted to respond.  I know how you feel in many ways, I have been in a relationship for several years with someone with bpd. I know the description can include those with varying behavior but you have to come to the understanding that you can't "fix" them.  You can be loving, understanding and suggest or lead them toward help but the underlying problem is still there.  It can be made bearable with meds and therapy.  We have been able through treatment and meds to make things at least manageable for now but we have blow ups like most in a relationship with someone with bpd will have. There are times I feel like her emotional punching bag and I know in one sense she can't help it but it doesn't make it any better for me.  For some it is a cycle, for others it is a single event can cause all sorts of conflict.  I know you say you love him but why should you subject yourself to this from him?... and then complicate things incredibly by marrying him?  Value the experience you have gained in this relationship and remember the good things but I would recommend you find someone who will treat you with respect and not try to manipulate you.  From my experience, someone with bpd is very talented at handing out guilt and manipulation.  If you decide to stay in this relationship I wish you the best but please think about it long and hard and make your decision without his influence.

[heather7870]

Thanks a lot for your comments. It always helps to get the opinion of people who are in a similar situation, especially because sometimes it all feels like my imagination.
As it is now, we're not in contact. After his rather demanding call where he didn't take into consideration that I had been sick and busy as well, I haven't heard from him. I force myself to not contact him either, which of course is difficult. I have reasons in mind justifying to get back to him such as: "someone (which is me) has to work on a relationship, if no one does, there wouldn't be relationships at all". I've been fighting these internal arguments successfully till now. I hope I'll manage to continue.
Probably you know from your experience that when things work well, it's just beautiful.
He can be a total gentleman, doing all his best to make me feel comfortable and I can see how he's happy when I acknoledge his efforts (on the other hand, this might not be about me but about him getting affirmation that way). Of course, it can all switch to total darkness in no time.
I've been thinking about what I need or what I'm missing. I feel it's difficult to relax in this relationship because I'm constantly trying to do things perfectly for us to have a good relationship. I guess I'm balancing his behaviour in a way and when I do a mistake there's nobody there to balance it. In the end it seems, he controls the relationship by threatening to end it if things are not his way or if he feels alone. I find this stressful. I especially realised how exhausted I feel after being in bed for a week with fever which started the day he had left. I still really like him and I know many things he does he can't help but I feel really tired.
Thanks again.

[stillhanginon]

You are welcome.  I know how taken we can become with someone that rational thought is sometimes an after thought and that is usually after things have become much more complicated.  I can understand what you say about your situation and I very much know that when things are right, they are a joy.  Looking back at things, I think it is human nature to remember or store the good thoughts and somehow repress or dismiss the majority of the bad ones.  I dearly love my wife but our relationship can at times become almost like torture to me because of her demands... similar to the one you mention above.  I am balancing work, school two nights a week and some on line classes and traveling to see her when I can.  Our schedules didn't mesh to her liking just the other day and you would have thought that I was the most cruel, unthoughtful, inconsiderate (insert bad word here) that had ever been born.  My only way of dealing with the situation is to change my plans so they mesh with what she wants.  It will take a lot of effort and will mean asking some others to change their schedule to accomodate but in her mind.... If I was any kind of a husband and was really serious in our relationship this should be no problem at all.  She expresses that she will destroy or sell my belongings when I am not there in order to basically blackmail my compliance.  I am just trying to convey to you that there is a lot under the surface that you don't know and I would hate to see someone put themselves in that situation with the idea that you are going to either make them "better" or that you will be the relationship "compromiser".  That is no way to live.  From how our relationship began, I would have never thought things could evolve to this point but it has.  Sorry to sound so negative but I am living it now.  Again, good luck with your situation no matter what you decide.

[heather7870]

You've made a good point about things normally being better in the beginning of a relationship and getting worse later. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
I know I couldn't be around all the time as I travel a lot and not to travel would influence my career in a negative way. Already this has been an issue in the relationship even though being away makes me very much looking forward to seeing my partner.
At the moment we still don't have contact (since almost 4 weeks). Sometimes, I find the silence very difficult to maintain and I miss him a lot. I wonder about his perspective on the split up. It would be great if he could keep some good memory of the relationship and if he didn't blame it all on me which probably is the case. Sometimes, I think that maybe he is thinking it over and comes back with an idea for change. Probably this is an illusion.
The crucial moment that made  me stop investing more into the relationship was when I got fever. From there I felt too exhausted to continue working on it. It's been like a reflex. It could have helped if he'd made an effort but he didn't. I guess this means that it is over from my side as well and after four weeks the decision seems to be there naturally.
Thanks again.

[stillhanginon]

You haven't posted lately, I hope things are going well for you.

[heather7870]

thanks for asking, that's nice.
i hadn't heard from him in six weeks.
after dreaming of him i just dropped him an email saying how sad i was that things had gone that way and that i didn't see a solution, that i was missing him. i wished him all the best and said that i hoped we could be friends one day. i didn't expect a reply since he had never replied before but he called and also replied to my email accusing me for having made thing badly and for not giving him what he needs: marriage. he wasn't even saying that he was sorry or anything. he gave me all the responsibilty about our fight and shifted from one argument to the other. then he asked me to come see him. i said it would be best to do that on his off-day. then he called again the next day asking me to come right away. when i argued that he had to work next day and i was going to have two appointments, he said i should call the persons and cancel. i refused to do that as they were professional meetings with people i had never met before. i said i would come the night before his off-day. in the end i didn't even feel like going. i was tired of being accused and i didn't see a chance for us. on that evening, he texted me about where i was. i was having dinner with friends and was initially going to see him after. then he called. i asked him what we should do about our relationship, hes said: nothing, and hung up. that was it. i feel now, it's up to me to tell him that i don't want all this. i'm sad and today i'll be going to asia for 5 weeks, so way for us to see anyway.
i guess i should be stricter and tell him that it's over.
it's so hard to cut everything.
what do you think about it all?
it'll be good to go away and to have some change.
how is your relationship going?
many thanks.

[stillhanginon]

Ouch, that sounds rough.  I have been in that situation before and still am occastionally.lol.  I have been away for a while working and don't see her all the time like I did.  She had learned to manage being alone some and had actually been giving me some space and hadn't made me account for every moment of the day like she had.... I went to be with her for a week and I hate to say it but it seems it did a lot to undo her progress.  It was wonderful while I was there until I had to leave.  Now I have to talk to her at every opportunity on the phone or she is upset again.  She is always concerned that someone is out to steal me away from her.  It just really wears on me.
I think you did the right thing and I also know how conflicted that can make you feel. You want things to work but you know that you just can't do as they demand.  I know how bad that can make you feel.
I pray that you are able to move on and that someone will come into your life.  Please pray that our situation works out.
Be careful in your travels.

[heather7870]

i really hope that our situation works out.
it's true, i feel very conflicted. i feel guilty for not coming to see  him as he wanted me to. somehow i think that maybe this time everything would have worked out... i guess making me feel that way is the whole point of his behaviour. It's a bit like he tries to establish a dependency, so he would have to worry less about being alone. it seems to work. i miss him so much. i have my friends remind me that the relationship was not healthy for me. and then i start thinking again, maybe it would have still worked out, maybe i'm just too sensitive about us fighting and maybe turmoiled relationships have their qualities as well...
what i find very difficult is that there was just no space for arguing—a normal thing in a relationship—without breaking up. if i look back at it, every single time we were fighting, he wanted to quit it. critisism of the relationship seems to create a lot of distress for him. as for me as long as it is constructive and creative it'll lead to improvement, not separation.
i also know what you've experienced that being geographically separated can be almost unbearable for the partner. he always wanted to leave that state of uncertainty to either break up or to be together all the time. probably, this would be called splitting.
it's good that she obviously learns how to become better at being alone. i'm sure seeing her achievements must encourage her.
i've noticed that we used to get into fights especially after we had been together and things had been especially beautiful. Most of the time, it was one day after being alone again that he used to start questioning the relationship. This was also the case when we finally broke up. Right before that our relationship had been at peak i would say. i felt we were totally in love and i would have never expected the end to be so near.
finding someone new is a good idea. although it will take time to forget him. i still think that he was my ideal man if only there were not these downs which is ironic because of course that's part of him. i think finding the right person for me now will be a lot about thinking about what i'm looking for. probably then it'll happen.
being in hong kong for the next couple of weeks will surely distract me and he doesn't even know i would be away because we were already seperated when i got to know and after that there was no occasion to tell him.
i wish you good luck.

[stillhanginon]

I hope you have a good time in Hong Kong. I have traveled some in the far east but never there.  I hope things work out for you, no matter which path you chose.  Just expect some rough path if you do reconcile...lol.  There is so much to this type relationship that it is really hard to describe to people and have them stand a chance at understanding what you mean and how you really feel.  I think you are correct about turmoiled relationships having their own qualities...lol.  The highs are oh so high but the lows come from no where and are oh so low...  It is just hard for someone who is what I would conservatively call "normal" to deal with.  I have wittnessed some of the most cruel words from one that I love and that supposedly loves me during those lows.  But I am here because I chose to be.  Regardless of how our relationship works out... I will always love her no matter what she says or does.  I just may have to chose self preservation over subjecting myself to some of those emotionally wrenching lows.
Be careful in your travel and be safe. (careful what you eat)