I have been seeing a man who is prone to short bursts of unreassonable and unprovoked temper tantrums.example recently went together on a short cruise. Last day onver the public address system came an announcement that we could not dock at the termination port due rough weather. He flew into a rage,abused me, told me how much he had hated the cruise,never wanted to see me again etc.
This is exactly the pattern of similar bursts since I have been seeing him over the last 9 months. He later apologizes and says he realizes he was unreasonable but what causes him to do this? I never retaliate,never shout back in response.
It would be hard to say as it would depend on what else is wrong in his life and what other symptoms he has whether its psychiatric and if so what it is. All I know is that is emotional abuse and perhaps there is physical abuse as well. Regardless get away from him. Its good to help someone like that but not when you are the receiving end of their abuse. Quietly seperate from him and then if he continues to contact you take out a restraining order because he hasn't been physically abusive he could and/or will be. If you want him to seek psychiatric help speak to someone who knows him and let them be the one to explain it. If you do it could make things worse. Let it come from someone whom he won't confront.
I believe I know exactly what your going through as I was in a 1 year relationship with a man who would typically react much the same way that you described the man in your life.
From what I personally experianced with my former boyfriend, the anger is a manifistation of deep inner frustration that comes as a result of an inability to cope with change, particularly sudden change.
My ex-boyfriend would "blow-up" over any minor change that to others would seem benign and insignificant. For instance, if someone was to sit too close to us at a park or at a beach that would provoke a very angry outburst laced with profanity. One day, the battery in my car's keyless remote malfunctioned; so, we went to the auto dealership to have the device checked out. When the dealership custodian informed us that the facility was closed, my boyfriend grew so angry that I thought that he was going to beat up the man. Likewise, if someone was to park their car too close to where we were parked (especially, if there were plenty of other empty parking spaces) that would set him off. Another time, my ex-boyfriend got so upset over a oil change policy at a local automotive store that he chased the store's manager around the store's parking lot.
And, I saw a lot of road rage coming from him as well so, I usually insisted on driving. Ultimately, we broke up over a change in plans. I caught a bad cold and had to reschedule a 1 day out-of-town trip that we were both looking forward to. He accused me of "...thinking only of self, while not liking self." And, that was the last I've heard from him.
So, whether or not you can relate to any of this, I'm not sure. Like you, I never engaged
my "ex" in an arguement. I would do as the saying goes... "suck it up!"
But, at least your guy apologizes... and, I would see that as somewhat promising.
My guy rarely, if ever apologized.
And, when he did, it was always in the form of sarcasm.
If your interested in helpful reading, I would recommend: "Stop Walking on Eggshells,"
by Paul Mason; "Breaking Free from Boomerang Love," by Lynn Melville and "I Hate You,
Don't Leave Me," by Robert O. Friedel.
I wish you well.
Thanks so much for your comments. Iam1Butterfly apologies do wear thin after a time. To me, if I am sorry for something and say so then I am indicating I will do my best not to behave in such a way again,otherwise such apology is shallow ands futile. "I am sorry" does not always make everything right.
Your comments re change is significant as the man in question has had some big changes in his life recently.
IlAdvocate it is not so easy to give up on someone whom one cares about but I understand where you are coming from.
Again thank you both...Given me lots to think about. Mytimesanger.
if your bf is abusive get out quick and quiet. if he has a problem he needs to fix it u can't. i've been in many abusive relationships ,extremely abusive. and the famous words are i'm sorry! i was stupid and accepted later to face guns to my head, being thrown out a moving car ext.... don't put yourself through it. with out help once an abuser always an abuser. take it from someone who knows.i wish you all the best and hope things work out for you.
Thanks KMathis..not worried about the guns...I am in Australia and guns are illegal and I cannot imagine him throwing me out of a car either.
The tantrums are exactly like a naughty child who screams and yells in a supermarket because he is denied a sweet-certainly not like a person nearer to 60 years old than 6!
But the man in question doesnt seem to think he has ANY problems so there will obviously be no solution.
I did ask him if his brothers/sisters/parents/daughter/ex all had short fuses and each answer was afirmative, so i reminded myself to be glad that i had never had to spend Christmas with that family! **smile**Imagine what it must be like?
Interested to note that usual remark of "well it must be YOUR fault because i have never treated a lady thus before" etc etc is also a common excuse. and I admit he did until now succeed in making me feel perhaps I WAS in some way to blame which is why i began asking questions about the different causes.
The suggestion of 'Iam1Butterfly' is interesting as the man in question is going through some huge changes in his life at the moment. Thanks for your interest. Appreciate your input. Mytimesanger.
i wish guns were illegal here and in some cases they are but you can still buy them on the streets so it doesn't matter. i'm glad yours is only yelling although that is rough too. you seem very strong to deal with it. wish i could. i get yelled at i yell back. hope you never have to go to a family gathering if they are all that way.
Change (or, rather... one's immaturity in accepting change) is the triggering factor
(no gun pun intended!) These individuals, with the anger issues, will indeed percieve anything that disrupts their sense of continuity and balance as a genuine threat.
Perhaps, it's a primal instinct; but, most likely it's a negative learned behavior and an
overt display of poor coping skills. In either case, these emotionl outbursts are well beyond juvenile; extremely destructive; embarassing; and unacceptable... as you have no doubt already discovered.
You could be a submissive pacifying support to him, should you so desire to do so
(for too long a time, I did so with my guy). Just make sure that you don't become his doormat (as I was becoming, with my guy).
This has certainly developed into an interesting discussion. i am so pleased i discovered this site.
I have told "Mr Grumpy" (as one of my friends has christened him) that I have joined this forum site in the hope that he will also read it and see how ridiculous and potentially dangerous his behaviour is.
However, he misinterpreted this and has accused me of "trying to push him over the edge so that I would have something to write about" - I am a writer - some poetry, eulogies, weddings etc and a monthly newspaper column but I would certainly never write publically about anything so personal and close to home other than in an annonomous situation such as this.
It seems unlikely I will see him again and of course I will suffer withdrawal symptoms for a time but ultimately we move on.
Yes Kmathis i agree with you about the therapeutic value of poetry writing. I have swung my tongue into my cheek and written some doosies at times after waking in the night almost to the point of dispair over some problem , then have laughed myself back to sleep after my imagination has run riot and thus influenced my pen..
But now I am wondering how much our upbringing influences our behaviour?. I have a post middle aged spinster daughter who has been known to throw tantrums and as i reflect on her up bringing i wonder how much of such behaviour is because I was so ambitious for her I concentrated too much on her academic achievements at the expense of ensuring she had the necessary social skills?
Certainly in her case she would under no circumstances have "looked that gift horse in the mouth" -the cruise above mentioned was a retirement gift from myself to the less than appreciative' gentleman under discussion- but I have noted similar character traits between the two.
I am trying to work out how to delete some nerdy "person" (actually obviously a business with lots of sub agents!!) called DAVID OLIVER off my case! Originally when i thought mytime's condition might have been bipolar I wrote to that site. Now, i receive up to 4 or 5 spam emails per day from someone who deports to be 'David Oliver" Try putting such person on ignore....all his subbies just come right in anyhow! G-r-r-r! Enough to send anyone who is actually quite stable around the twist!!! DAVID OLIVER PLEASE GET OFF MY CASE!!
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