tried to help bff

My hope is someone can help me.  A very close friend has been given to fits of rage, threatens suicide, can't work or even get out of bed some days, even unable to clean the house(it is like one you see on hoarders).  Our families are very close many have expressed concern for her, even her significant other.  When we tried to encourage the family to get help, it backfired..........I thought we were soooooo close, now they won't even speak to us.  I feel just horrible!!  Now I've lost my BFF, when I just wanted to be there to help her.  Did I do the right thing?  She has children and I feared for them and felt I had to do something. The family said her dx is bipolar but with the rage, insecurity I can't say for sure. Either way it is not controlled and she is very good at hiding the issues.

[freddie8605]

I am sorry you are going through this. It is a hard situation and you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped even if that is hard to accept. You can maybe possible leave her to calm down and get back to you and tell her, that you are there for her and want to help her but at the end of the day you can't make her do anything include getting help. You are a good friend for caring enough to come on here though. If she does want help, you could go with her to see a doctor or therapist, just being there for here is good.  

Sorry i can't help more.
Freddie

[rudyhorse]

Thank you so much Freddie..........It does help just hearing what I thought.  That is how we left it, but it has been several months.  She stayed mad for 2years with someone else, so I can only be here when/if she does want help.  She won't let others go to the therapists with her-----no one she doesn't want them to hear what he says, I believe.  Now she won't even go to him as I think he figured it out, so she quit going all together.  

It really hurts my child as when we do run into to her or her family she is so angry, visibly so, it makes my family uncomfortable.  So I feel like I should step away a bit to have safe boundaries for us.
Thanks again!!

[freddie8605]

Your welcome :) Sounds like you are very smart person with your head screwed on straight, and are handling the hole situation he best anyone can, i just wish your friend would realize how amazing a friend she has instead of being so difficult. But i have been that person who didn't want help and it took me some time to realize, I did in fact want help after all. So i hope it happens soon for yours and everyone's sake.

Best of luck and wishes
Freddie

[Jaquta]

From what you've written it sounds feasible that your friend has borderline personality disorder.

A messy house, and lack of energy and/ or incentive to clean it, could be part of a depressive episode.  If she is hoarding it could be due to anxiety.  depression and anxiety are common in bpd.

The family sound as though they have become defensive.  Sometimes having someone acknowledge stuff out loud can be perceived as threatening and as a personal attack.

I believe that raising your concerns with the family was the correct thing to do.  In time a friend would come to understand that you only ever had their welfare at heart and that speaking out was not intended to alienate or hurt them.

Bipolar and bpd are frequently mistaken.  An accurate diagnosis can take time.  The treatment for the two are significantly different, in my opinion.

Anger helps a person with bpd mask their hurt.  Peel away the anger and you're left with incredibly raw emotions.

Some people with bpd like exclusive relationships with others.  A therapist could listen to families concerns but I think that it is inappropriate that a therapist disclose sensitive material with others, unless they have the express permission of the patient (and then maybe only with strict limits).  Safety issues are another issue but they should be discussed with the appropriate person.  Again, it is more an opportunity for you to express your concerns.  Therapy should be a safe place for any person receiving counselling and should not be interrupted or disrupted by others.

I believe she probably doesn't see her therapist because he wasn't listening to her and didn't understand how to manage or treat her.  Some people believe it is one way but a T needs to work with a patient.  They need to work with the healthy aspect of the patient and develop that.  If a patient acts out (is angry, treatens suicide, etc) then the T needs to look for what they are not hearing.

If you need safe boundaries to protect you and your family then that is a positive step.

I am wondering if visiting your friend, when you don't have your child, would be beneficial to you both.
Maybe choose a time that you think is most convenient to her and sit down and talk about feelings and how things are affecting you both.
Don't attack your friend, don't blame her.  Having someone validate or acknowledge her feelings may help her.  She may not have the skills to describe (coherently and without the rage) what she is thinking and feeling.

Just a thought but sometimes when others say we need help it can make us feel very isolated and unwell.  Unwell can sometimes also represent being broken and never being able to be fixed.

I believe your friend has bpd (maybe bipolar too but I doubt it).  BPD is a scary illness and is often contradictory.  I think that a lack of understanding by others and in particular some health professionals can drive a huge wedge between us and wellness (or recovery).

Be patient.  Talk.  Remain accessible but set limts.  You don't have to tolerate abuse and most of the time people with bpd will respect and comply with the limits.  Anger is her being uncontained and in need of more support, not less.

[rudyhorse]

Thank you so much.  What you say makes so much sense.  It seems as if you have been here with us. :)  I wish she would talk to me, I hope I can get her to.  Your suggestion about approaching her without the kids and others I think is the best thing.  To be very honest I am afraid she will reject it and/or I won't know how to help.  I feel I failed her already.

The help you and Freddie have given me has really helped me understand much more, especially about her anger.
Thanks!!!!!!!!!  I hope it will give me the courage to reach out again.  Others are saying give her time to calm down, it is soooooooooo confusing.

[Jaquta]

Just be a good friend, that is all you can do.  I guess if she continues to reject offers of friendship and support you may need to respect that.

Anger is often referred to as a blanket emotion.  Some people struggle to label emotions and as such a lot comes out as anger and/ or frustration.
Some people tend to lash out more when they are hurting.  The harshness of it can drive people away which further alienates them and makes them feel misunderstood.

Many people don't understand.  We don't understand often times either.

I think that reaching out is the right thing to do.  I worry that the anger may last until she has gotten appropriate support.  After I was diagnosed with bpd I was angry for years.  I think my anger finally subsided a little after I had a therapist who was able to relate to me and my experiences and who accepted me for who I was.  Being consistent and explaining things helped a lot too.  Really listening to what she is trying to say is important.  If she is unable to label her thoughts and feelings she may need help with this.

Her not listening or getting help is not your failure.  Nothing she does is because of you, she is responsible for her own behaviour, etc.

Good luck with your visit.  Don't forget to pack your flame suit, it may be needed.  Just be patient, understand that it is her illness and not her behaving this way.

[rudyhorse]

Thank you!  What you say makes sense which helps me a lot.
I won't forget the flame suit and the water hose LOL :)