brain damage. concussion + alcohol

[mlhNL]

Hello,

I would like to tell my story as well as ask a few questions.

I'm a 24 year old man.  I was born and raised in The Netherlands in a family of three children.

As a child I suffered from meningitis and because of this I don't have proper vision, although this did not really disturb me much. It actually took me till age 12 before I realized not everybody has these kind of vision problems. I was a very happy active child, full of jokes etc, but slowly became more quiet and was always reading and being introvert. The negative consequence of this was that I became very naive. I was too impressionable and later paid dearly for this naivety.

As age three, I got my first concussion. My older sister smacked me on the head with a shovel. I passed out. I was so young I cannot remember this, but I my father was coincidentally filming us and I have it on tape.

My second concussion was in elementary school. Some older guy pushed me off some stairs and I fell with my head against an iron bin. Apparent I walked all the way to the other side of the field and the only thing I remember is that someone said: 'Hey you're bleeding and someone got the teacher'. I had a few stitches. For a while everything went well, but in hindsight I already think I had some brain damage. In high school I started getting some bouts of depression, which became more serious when I was in university. My parents commented on the fact that I just be such a happy child and that I really changed. I just kept going and then started feeling a bit better.

In my third year in university I made my biggest mistake. My previous concussions were accidents and I couldn't really have prevented them. I joined a very big fraternity, called ****. It is a national fraternity with about 5000 active members spread over 8 cities. It is supposed to be fun. I thought I would make many connections which would be beneficial for my later career and because my study was going so well I also felt confident that I could combine the two. During the introduction period, the first accident happened.We had to crawl in the dark through all kinds of dirt and someone stepped on the side of my head. It hurt, but I did not lose conscious. I'm not sure how bad this was, but I think I was okay. Barely two weeks later I ended up in a brawl. I didn't do anything, but softly bumped against someone I was very drunk. I got smacked on the side of my head and briefly passed out. I don't remember how I got home.

After that my depressions got a lot worse and I started drinking more and more alcohol. This went on for 6 months and then I intervened with myself. I banned drinking all alcohol. I still couldn't concentrate. My brain didn't work anymore. At least that was how it felt. I became more compulsive and even almost harassed a girl. I felt deeply shocked afterwards, that I had become this bad at controlling my impulses. I barely managed to graduate (took a year longer). I thought my problems were because of alcohol, but I realize now that the concussions might have played a bigger role.

I have not drunk any alcohol for many months now and altogether the amount of alcohol was not really that much. Can the concussions have harmed me to this extend? I don't feel like living my life anymore. I used to be so smart. I studied physics at a university in the top 100, but cannot even pass simple tests for a job interview or think quickly. When I apply for a job I feel like a faker. I don't even feel as 'certain' biking or driving. My senses and thinker are slow.

Does this get any better? I would have committed suicide, if I didn't have my parents. I love them a lot, but my life just crashed. I blame myself for the retard decision to join that fraternity. I wanted to make connections and get a girlfriend etc, but it back fired so bad. Now I'm sitting here with a physics degree and with the impression I can barely work in a store. What should I do?