how to live after anal cancer

[Dyingdaily]

I am 5 1/2 months out of the brutal and cruel protocol for stage 3Bnodal 1 anal cancer- I was the picture of health-57 years old-never smoked-perfect pap smears my entire life-no filthy sex practices-never a yeast infection-did a workout and weight routine, yoga,pilates,taebo(even did a routine with Billy Blanks)-had a near perfect diet(quinoa and brown rice are staples in my kitchen)-never abused alcohol-never sick with any virus, flu,etc. and I've used sunscreen religiously since I was 23 years old. Needless to say I am devastated-I detest my body as I can't grasp why something I've given a lifetime of care and respect could betray me like this.

I feel all guidelines for good health are a sham and total cruelty. The worst feeling is there are no brownie points for good habits- I had ten pounds of muscle-my last body fat was 18.87- I weighed 138 pounds and looked vibrant and healthy- not one doctor has in any way made me feel good- I could have smoked for 40 years, waddled in at 250 pounds, and been a total couch potatoe.

My tumor is completely gone- two petscans have been clear. I now see a deformed monster in the mirror everyday. My hair and nails are ruined- pelvic lymphedema is a near daily misery-I have fecal incontinence every morning so self esteem is nonexistent- the horrible stomach pains are greatly improving from my digestive tract being totally destroyed
but every inch of me aches as I try pathetically low scale exercise tapes-my near perfect flexibility before treatment is nonexistent.

I am so depressed at every 3 month checkup and pet scan that I'm sick when I get home as no one knows when side effects will subside if ever. I was told how horrible my protocol would be but no information on these side effects and how I would look and feel or how limited my daily life would be from side effects. If I could go back, I would have dyed from this filthy, extremely rare, and humiliating disease.

Clearly, I will never understand how this happened to me and the medical profession can only tell what didn't cause it.I am at a loss as to how to live the rest of my life. I am open to suggestions.


This discussion is related to Overall joint and muscle pain..

[Foxes]

I look at this as sort of a blessing. I look at life differently. I don't let trivial things bother me.

I retired the day my cancer was diagnosed as being gone.

I buy fun clothes..(even though I gained a bit ..and can't wear underwear).

I have to buy swimsuits in a 22 WIDE...instead of my normal 14 so they don't cut into my tender legs.

It's like the serenity prayer...accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and have the wisdom to know the difference.

The good news about anal cancer is that if you live three years without relapse you are considered cured. Not so with other forms of cancer.

Yeah, I was suicidal during treatment but I never felt why me..or sorry for myself..unitl I thought it was back.

You can take L glutamine to help passage through the stomach.

I don't have Pelvic Lymphodema.. I was stage one T1N0.

I'm sorry this happened to you..it may be crazy (lots of people call me that) maybe working with people that are disadvantaged will lift your spirits...or any accomplishment..maybe a new hobby.  

I bought a Bow Flex..and am trying to get a little muscle tone.

One of my friends with cancer bought herself a little stuffed animal for every procedure.

ME? I decided gems were my reward...so for every poke, radiation and sticking my butt up in the air in the jackknife position...I'm getting a nice bauble. I've bought tons of beads and faceted gems...and will be making up some fine stuff.

I threw myself a party when treatment was done.  

How you handle this is up to you. You can collect green stamps for every injustice...like a glass half empty..or you can focus on what you do have..glass half full.

Just as you cannot get to heaven based on good works...you cannot avoid all disease based on a healthy lifestyle.

Someone once said "Fair is not stamped on your birth certificate".

No it is not fair you got anal cancer. But it was not fair, I got it either.  

Have a marshmallow roast...Through all your anger into the fire...

Maybe your cancer is teaching you,...life is too short..have dessert once in a while.

[katarina777]

I am really, really sorry you feel so terrible, and that you have this anal cancer. It does sound horrible. I am also not going to tell you to think positively and to think about people who are worse of than you. I really don't think that is helpful, and I do not believe that we chose how we feel. You feel like you feel and when I feel like **** it has nothing to do with my attitude. And when I feel like **** and this is heard and responded to, i feel better. i feel much worse when someone tells me to not feel sorry for myself, and to have a good attitude. There is just no empathy to it, and it feels like one was not really heard, and I hear you. You feel both horrible and devastated.

And to tell you the truth, almost all people I know who have cancer seem to have lived a very healthy life style, and they did not smoke, and eat too much, and drink and all that.  (and I know my experience contradicts what is generally communicated as being the opposite way around.) But it's still my experience.

I don't know anything about your kind of cancer but i have thought about what it must be like to have cancer in such an awkward place, and I was somewhat glad I have breast cancer, even if mine is a very bad kind and advanced stage.

All I want for you to know is that I hear you, and that I have no advice otherwise.

I hope things will become better.

I wish you the best, and better.

KAT