Too attached?

Hi there, I haven't posted in a long time.  I have a 17mo old baby girl that I am still breastfeeding.  I never thought I would go this long, but,she's been a great nurser, and I've enjoyed the bond...however...she has extreme seperation anxiety and clings to me constantly!  Is it due to breastfeeding, or is it just a phase she's going through?  Over the holidays, she wouldn't let anyone hold her, no family members, friends, etc...she just cried and cried for me. When she first started doing that, I loved it, I thought it was so beautiful that she knew me and only wanted me...but now....I can't get a break.  I can't leave her with a babysitter, she will just cry and cry.  Have any of you been through this?  Some say to let her cry it out, and to leave her for small increments of time...others say, when she crys to just hold and be there for her because it won't last forever.  Well, I've been doing that, and I can't get anything done.  She goes freely to my husband as well...but she has such seperation anxiety with others I don't know what can help...do you?

[Super_sally888]

Hi,

I am sure that this has nothing to do with breastfeeding, it is just a phase she is going through.  17 months is still a baby.  She is now aware of the world and she finds it a bit scarey, and you are her safety point.

This is a perfectly normal developmental phase and it will pass.  Be calm and consistent with her fears. Keep introducing her to new people.  To get things done, can you put her in a stroller next to you.  MOve the stroller around as you do tasks.  Talk to her reasurringly.

Am sure others will post.  This is a bit of a quiet time here.

[AnnieBrooke]

I breastfed my son to 18 months and would have done so longer if I hadn't been going to go on IVF hormones and worried about what they would do to him.  He wasn't unusually heavy with the separation anxiety, so I don't think breastfeeding does it.  It's really all about the individual child's personality.  (Even if you had another child, you'd probably find that she didn't follow the same pattern.)

I appreciate the difficulty in getting things done.  Dr. Sears always says "If you resent it, change it," so if it is blocking your life so much that it is getting irritating, I'd work with the fact that she is happy with her dad and slowly work in someone else, such as a mother's helper (a young teenager who just plays with her for about two hours a day).  You don't hand her off and go, you are around, so your child learns that you like the person and the person is there to be fun for her.  Then slowly, slowly be in the other room for a short time when the mother's helper is there.

Good luck, that's just a first idea but unfortunately I am being stood over by my husband who needs to go somewhere and I need to give him a lift!  So I have to run.

[tiredbuthappy]

you are describing me as an infant/toddler/preschooler. And I was only breastfed a couple of months :) It has more to do with the child's personality and temperament.

I don't think letting her cry when you leave will help much. This is something that you can work on very slowly, very gradually. The holidays are the worst time you could try to have her go to others. Children that age are very sensitive to changes in routines, and the unfamiliar crowds can cause a lot of additional stress. It is only natural that any child, let alone a "clingy" child, would not want to go to anyone other than mommy during these times. I agree you need to start small and in the home. Have dad take her more, even if you are home, since she is comfortable with that. Have relatives or other person you would like to have eventually babysit visit in quiet times. Have others become engaged and play with her, and with time physically put yourself further away. Start with the other end of the couch, casually to the other side of the room, maybe eventually to the point where you continue the conversations from outside of the room or outside of view. If she starts to show anxiety, be casual and reassure her that you are there by responding immediately or popping your head back into the room. Once she becomes comfortable with being with someone without you in the room, you can slowly work your way up to bigger distances.

I wouldn't let her cry too much because when she thinks back she won't recall that you eventually came back. She will instead recall that she was crying and you weren't there to respond. Not to say that you can't let her get a little upset and have the person with her try hard to distract her. And that's another point- have some of her favorite, most exciting activities on hand for that person to try.

Another thing you can try, if she enjoys going for walks, is having someone else take her for a walk in the stroller. Whenever I was anxious about leaving my first with a sitter, this is how we did the separation.

[30something13]

I have had 5 babies and two out of 5 have been like that. Mine little guy now who is 6 months will be shy and cry around people unless I have him in the sling then he interacts with others.

My second she was liek that past age two. I wore her also but also since she was active and a climber and I had one 13 months older and one 15 months younger. She nursed for over two years.

I will try to find the dtudy but there was a recent stdy posted that had over 800 independant studies in it ( one of the largest studies done) Well it talked about how babies till around age 5 had a connection to mom and dad that they needed the closseness of them and that BF and co sleeping helped ower the stress hormone released when they were away from mom and dad. It said that babies and children automatically released the stress hormone when someone came clae if they had ever been left and away from mom even once as they would remember and that they released the stress hormone when they were put in a bed in a different room from the parents. The study concluded that up to around age 5 1/2 when the childs mind developed to process the seperation the child should be BF and co sleep and not left. It showed that the children whose hormones went up had weight and eating issues, digestive issues, had trouble in school with lower grades, were sepceptieble to getting sick easier. etc...


It has nothing to do with BF and making them cry it out will only casue more trauma emotionally that can have lasting effects. Babies and children left to choose when to stop nursing and their own needs of comfort (when they can I know some parents have to work) were more ajusted as older children. They also learned more in the first three years of life.

Encouraging and talking to them when it is not time to leave is a good thing but only if it is not causing stress for them talking about it. In time she will come around! I loved nursing too and have nursed all of mine. I plan on doing baby lead weaning with my little guy even to age 4 if he wishes. or beyond, but I am sure he will stop before school! LOL


I intend not to ever leave my little guy unless it is wiht daddy, I have a few times and he was fine. But I won't leave him if he crys for me and I was only gone for less then 20 min when I did leave him. I guess I might bite my tongue if soem day I need to be gone and he is devistated but I pray that never happens!


My little guy will yell for his daddy when we go away out of town for a day or two to see my family and he calls him on the phone and will talk to him for ever! He will scream if I taek the phone away and has fallen asleep talking and singing to daddy:) You might try getting walkie talkies and going in another room and talk to her and then have a phone available so she can talk to you and she would nto relieze you are away so far. IDK just thinking

[AnnieBrooke]

You sometimes just have to trust your heart.  If a child is needy, it's for a reason, and you can respond the way a loving person responds, with reassurance and thoughtful actions.  Ignore the people who tell you to "be tough" or "not to teach her bad habits."  You are responding to a real need in your child.  She's not being willful, she is anxious.  Let her grow out of it with support.

[PamelaBee]

Thanks ladies, you all had great advice.  Anniebrooke and tiredbuthappy...you are so right.  I know a mommys helper would be a great idea, also the slow introductions as you mentioned tiredbuthappy.  I don't believe in letting her cry it out...as you said, it is for a reason.  There's nothing that imperative in my life that I can't console her when this happens.  Thank you, Happy New Year!  Pam