How do I help my mom deal with her cancer

[ArmyPrincess819]

Hi. I just found out last thursday Oct 9 that my mom has lung cancer and it's rapidly killing her. The oncologist told us that in fact he thinks it went into her Adrenal glands, If that is the case surgery is not an option. I will find out tomorrow which days this week she is having her 3 procedures done. I'm a wreck. She has chosen not to do chemo and if it gets confirmed the cancer spread she has a few ons. If anyone can give me some helpful advice that would be great. I'm pg right now and suffered a M/C the 14th of last month. I'm a ball of stress. My mom is all I have besides my hubby and his family. I'm not close to my moms family. I can't face my mom since finding out I'm afraid I will get even closer and I don't want the added pain when I lose her. Is that selfish? I know you guys aren't dr's or therapists but some of you are cancer survivors or family of people who are suffering. I guess I just need some support from people who are suffering as much as mom and myself. Please help I'm desperate for any helpful words or advice. Thank you so much and best wishes to all of you.......

[snootynan]

We deal with stress the best we know how.  Some  will think we are selfish if we don't go see them.  We aren't, we just don't want to see them knowing that they are dying or going to die.  When my mom way dying from lung cancer ten years ago, I had a hard time seeing her, but I called her everyday and explained to her that it was just too hard for me.  Every time I thought of her, I cried.  Cancer is ugly, very ugly. It's very painful. My 39 year old niece now has cancer and she is already in the middle of stage 4.  It's hard Army Princess.  You have to do what you feel is good for you. too. Your mom doesn't want to see you crying and upset either. You're not selfish.  Call her, talk with her and laugh with her over the phone,  It will feel good for both of you.

[PinkTissue]

I hoped the very best for you. I know it could be difficult for you and you are not selfish in finding it difficult to face your mum. You are going through 1001 emotions - you need time to process your emotions which cannot be done overnight.

I wrote you a private message - and once again I apologize if I sound rude since I keep talking about spending time with my mum since she was diagznoed with advance cancer.

Hugs and kisses - I hope that you would find peace within yourself which your really need. I am really sorry to learn that there seemed to be a few things going on in your life - I hoped things would be better soon.

[babyprayers]

first and foremost let me start by saying I am oh so sorry. I have lost both my parents and it is devastating. with that being said, I will try to offer you some advise, please understand this is only one persons opinion, and I am trying to help you over the internet get thru this difficult time. you asked if you were selfish.


1) I would have to say NO!! however, as hard as it is to face your mom, I think long term, years down the road, you may be happy that you were with her in the most difficult times of her life. I will not bore you with my sob story, this is about you not me, I will tell you my dad had cancer as well, and went thru tons the last 3 months of his life, I stayed with him at the hospital. etc... I hated doing it, I resented my brothers and sisters. looking back now, I am so glad I had the chance to make his last days comfortable, there were times he screamed at me, and made me feel awful, but the nurses would tell me he would call for me when I would leave the hospital to go home and shower etc.. some said I did not know you had brothers and sisters your the only one your dad talks about. enough of my story, but do you understand. you can only be as strong as you allow your self to be, whatever choice you make, some of us will stand beside your decision. I wish you all the best

sincerely,
Luci

[cirella]

You have just found out 4 days ago that your mom has cancer.  There is no way to describe what you feel and there are probably 1000 emotions coming and going at one time.  As Spicy1 said, everyone deals with situations differently.  She gave you some wonderful advise.  

Concerning her treatment: You did not come here asking questions in that respect.  Just know, what works for one doesn't mean it will work for all. No one here is a doctor and should not be touting methods of any sort when the entire picture of another's health is not presented here.  I hope your mom has a team of medical doctors who will explain everything and direct your mom in a helpful way that will enable her to be comfortable.

Just love your mom as it is so apparent you do.  It's OK to be scared, sad, mad or whatever you want to be.  It's not selfish.  I pray for peace and comfort for you and your family as you digest this whole situation.

Take care, hon.

[marie3B]

No.  You are not selfish.  Your love and pain shows through in your words.  Everyone handles their parent's illness in their own way.  When my mom was ill I stayed with her in the hospital.  My brother did not.  Some assumed he did not care as much as I did.  Quite the opposite was true.  He and our mom were so close it was too much for him to see her decline so fast.  Mom understood more than anyone and did not want him hurt further. I hope you are able to find comfort and peace in this time of sorrow.  I have cancer now.  I don't know how long I have.  I pray that my daughters will do whatever is easiest for THEM to get through it when my time comes.  I wish I could hug you now.  You deserve it.  Marie

[Spicy1]

ArmyPrincess..it is so hard to lose someone you love. I think your emotions are pretty normal, with being pregnant and all...tragedy and hormones are tough right now.  You have to do what you feel is right, but I will tell you a tiny bit about my recent experience.  

The love of my life had non hodgkins lymphoma.  We had every hope that he'd beat it, but it wasn't meant to happen.  I was able to see him for a week back in August, (we live in different states) I was terrified in my own way, but I went, and once there, I couldn't hug him and touch him enough.  I knew that it would be the last time I'd see him..I told him how much he meant to me, how much I loved him, and at the end of that wonderful week, we parted ways, still with hope in our hearts, but we both pretty much knew that the clinical trials weren't working.  I lost him 3 weeks later. That was just September 26th, so its pretty raw yet.

Your momma seem like a pretty special and important part of your life, and I know how hard and scary it is to know that you're going to lose her.  Just remember that dying is part of living..we'll all have to go thru it at one time or another..it's just getting to be her time.  Try your very best to keep that baby safe.  I know it's easier said than done..your momma wont be able to physically hold your baby, but IF you feel strong enough to see her, she can still hold HER baby...thats you.  I found an odd comfort in seeing Joseph, even though he was dying, but thats just me.  Do what you feel is right for you hon, and don't let anyone tell you how you SHOIULD do things.  Every single person is different.  I have a daughter, and if I was terminal, I'd understand if she was angry, sad, hurt, or couldn't bear to see me that way..Moms DO understand, and we're not selfish.  You'll find that out soon yourself.  ;)  

Just follow your heart.

[ArmyPrincess819]

Re read my post! I'm, not your daughter so please if you have nothing nice to say keep it to yourself. I could care less about you or your opinions. You should listen to my friend and remember alittle compassion goes along way. If you didn't like my post you should have skipped over it. You are a very rude and nasty person for what you wrote. I even asked if I was being selfish. Again my mother was given a death sentence unlike you if it spread to her adrenal glands surgery and other treatments are not an option. AGAIN ALL THINGS i STATED IN MY POST YOU OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T READ IT. I'm done explaining myself to you or anyone. I'm me and I can feel any way I want and my feelings are far from selfish they are fear. I didin't post everything so before you have all the answers try asking questions first!!!!1

[ArmyPrincess819]

PLEASE READ MY POST BEFORE SENDING COMMENTS ETC!!!!!!

[ArmyPrincess819]

Thanks my friend for reading my post before clicking on Post Comment. I re-read my post and I even asked if I was being selfish. I just don't need someone telling me to deal with it. My mom is a gonner she knows it the dr's do and so do I. I"m pg again and knowing my mother is never going to see or hold my chid is very sad and very painful. I'm left to help her and I can't even help myself. This woman was so nasty to me I read what she said to my hubby and he said obviously that woman didn't read what you said. I didn't say half of what she wrote to me. I wish I could figure out how to get out of this forum it's amazing I have more support from women who can't get pg than women who have had children and have other problems. I think I will stick to the m/c forum and fertility ovarian and women's health. This nasy lady makes me hate cancer even more. At least my mother isn't such a witch about everything!!!! Thanks again!

[leighanne143]

i think it is a perfectly normal response that if you find out your mother is passing, you have lots of mixed emotions, most of which come from not wanting to deal with reality.  it takes a while when you find out news like that.  I am sure you did not welcome your diagnosis with open arms at first, it took a while.

that was the point i was trying to make.  give her a little bit to process and realize that her mother needs. her.  there is a very nice way to say it, which i think your second post did a better job of.