Angry

Hi, I visit my Mom in long term care, she is getting dementia.  I get mad at her because she keeps repeating herself, yelling for "Help" when she doesn't need it.  I know I should just ignore her repeations and try to reassure her, but I find myself thinking of how strong she was and now she is so helpless.  I am also caregiver for my 50 year old sister who is brain damaged.  Some times I get so overwhelmed.  My brother and sister live far away and my other brother , who lives in town, has suffered 3 strokes in one night and he cannot speak or walk.  He can understand, but he cannot get across what he wants.  Thanks for listending.

[juan41]

Ask for help! You can't shoulder all that alone. There must be someone out there who can share your caregiving. Perhaps someone to visit your mom once a week or to help with your sister. I've asked a friend of the person for whom I'm primary caregiver and she's come over one day a week so I can have a "free day". It doesn't always work out, but when it does, I've enjoyed being able to go shopping or just take a nice walk without having to wonder if all is well. Stay positive. It really does help. And try to laugh about some of the "funny" things your mom does. She can't help it, of course, but it does help to view the situation with a little humor. All the best to you. j

[dianecarbo]

i have just joined the group and thought I would weigh in. kobuk, you have a very heavy burden that you should not be doing alone. First, have you checked with your state to see what services they offer to assist you with your sister.
you are experiencing care giver stress and burnout. You are not taking care of yourself. It is really important that you find time for yourself. This is difficult for many caregivers, especially women, but you need to take care of yourself.
You need to allow yourself down time, fun time. time to enjoy. And you need to do it on a regular basis.        
Think of things on a positive note. Get rid of the "I should" and "I must". instead view things with "I choose" and I need"

As far as your mother, she has no control over her condition. what you are feeling is fear and frustration that you cannot control what is happening to her. You may talk to the staff and see if there are times of the day when she is better than other times. You may try to visit during those times, to make it easier on yourself.

you should see if there is a support group at the facility that you can attend. It is difficult seeing your mother in her condition. One thing that you may ask the facility is if they have behavior techniques to redirect her. thsy may come up with some solutions that will make you feel less frustrated and fearful.          

[Kobuk]

Hi, thanks for your input!  I have help for my sister - a non-profit company that help with disabled people comes for 2-4 hours a day on week days.  There is a group that is for caregivers that I should go to for support.  My neighbor is taking care of her elderly mother too and we get together and talk.  (She drinks tho.)  Sometimes I get so frustrated, I wonder who will take care of me.  I have no kids, long term care is so expensive and I have no insurance for that.  Well I guess that I'll have to deal with that when it comes.  Again thank you for your support it helps!

[jo929]

I do know where you are coming from, i to am a caregiver and have had open heart surgery and i still have to do for my husband , he is on oxygen and does not walk, i get frustrated, and then i feel so bad about it, I to had my mom awhile before she passed away, and felt so guilty that i could not really take good care of her, good luck to you  jo

[Kobuk]

Yes, guilt plays a big part of caregiving.  My husband passed about 10 years ago.  He went fast, went into the hospital for a check up befor Christmas and passed Feb. 1.  Colon cancer, we didn't even know he had it.  Good luck to you. Gloria

[KLT83]

Hi, first of all, I think you are a wonderfull person to take on so much, they are lucky to have you. I have an aunt who took care of her mother-in-law that had dementia. She would do the same thing, scream "help me, help me, help me!" over and over she told me a story of a time in a department store where she was aproched by a security guard because of her mother-in-law screamin "help me". of course when the security guard touched her arm to ask if she was ok, she agin scremed "help me" so he saw that there was obviously somthing wrong with her. My aunt said that she was so embaresed. I fell for you. I know that it is a round the clock job. good luck

[Kobuk]

It is so nice to have someone to talk to, even if they are far away.  Sometimes I cannot talk to my psy doc (I have had clinical depession for 20 years) .  Thank you all that are in this group!!

[dianecarbo]

kobuk,
Your psych gives you 5 minutes and gives you a script. you need more that. As an individual that suffers from clinical depression, it is important to have the ability to vent and talk to others about our feelings. This is the right place for it, as everyone here has a story and no one here is to judge. hang in there. One day the hollering will stop and there will be quiet. you will either find comfort and relief or sorrow and guilt that the yelling disturbed you. As a caregiver we cannot win. this is truly a guilt producing role. hang in there.        

[Kobuk]

Thank you so much!