Are there Members Out There??

[Tuckamore]

This forum does not appear to be very active. Are there members out there that are coming here frequently? I've noticed that some questions don't have a response

I am caring for my 80 year old father. I will soon begin year five. I love him very much but I am worn out. I also have a chronic pain condition and some days can barely care for myself.  I can't consider alternative placement at this time. Guilt would be worse than the increased pain I am experiencing if he were not with me. There are no alternatives, no one to give me respite. It would just be helpful to share with someone the daily challenges that a caregiver faces.

Are there others that are caring for elderly parents or grandparents?  

Thank You,
Tuck

[cath81]

i am sorry to hear abt ur pain... is there anything u can do to make it better?

perhaps see a dr to address the condition?

i understand what u mean by guilt, because i feel it too sometimes... but all caregivers need respite... i believe it wouldn't hurt for u to just take breather, even if it's for one day... or even a couple of hours each day...

ur dad won't be happy too if he sees u feeling more tired and frustrated each day... and u're all that he's got, u have to take care of urself...

u can post on the forum when u need support... i can't say that i can help very much, but i can listen to u as a fellow caregiver...

[Tuckamore]

Bless your heart Cath. Do you care for a parent?

I am being treated by a wonderful physician for my chronic pain. It doesn't help the pain in my heart for my father.

The last time I left my father overnight in our home (with his girlfriend) when I returned he was in severe pain and suffered another compression fracture. She put his feet up to decrease his edema and that was the end result. There is no one that can step in. I can't afford to hire a trained caregiver and he would never allow it. He has four new compression fractures in less than three months.

He has end stage lung disease (asbestos exposure). His spine is also literally crumbling. Therefore this once stanch, independant and kind and wonderful man is going through the grieving process. He trusts no one but me. He becomes very loud and angry when forced to go to the Doctor or hospital.

Indeed I just brought him home from a two night hospitalization on Saturday. It should have been a respite for me but I had to be at the hospital a minimum of three times a day so the running back and forth was extremely draining. I also used that time to clean out his room and wash everything in there.I had to intervene several times with him and the nursing staff. He can become very rude and mean to them. They are unable to do anything to please him though I think they give good care. And as a former nursing staff member of the hospital I know their patient care standards are high.  

I don't know how much longer my Dad has in this world. It could be a few years or a few weeks. I could never live with myself if I placed him in an alternative living situation. And he does know how to lay the guilt on me. So I am trying hard to hang in there and looking for answers to keep me going. Due to a traumatic MVA my health has not been good for some time. But I am all my father has.

I am trying to talk Dad into some home health care, for which he qualifies. So far I have been unsuccessful. Thanks for listening. It is appreciated.  

Tuck

[Kobuk]

Hi, sorry for your pain.  Here there are volunteers who give respite care.  Are there any in your area?  Home health care is also a very good resource.  I still have the arm pull up (?) for the bed and bath chair for my Mom, she is now in long term care.  She would try to run away from there and fall down and have to have the ambulance guys to pick her up.  Yes, we caregivers have a worldfull of guilt.  

[cath81]

Am I a caregiver? Yes and no. :) I was a caregiver for my 72-yr-old mum before her cancer remission... That was a really draining period, both emotionally and physically. She is better now, and my dad has retired to take over the role as primary caregiver..

But that also leaves me as the only one earning an income and also the go-to person whenever a health issue crops up for both of them... As the only child, I find myself having to take a lot of leave from work for their follow-up medical appts for chronic illnesses and other health problems that crop up now and then... It's been really tough to juggle my work with my family responsibilities...

Caregiving is one of those tasks that some people don't really think much of if they haven't experienced it, but when they are put into a situation where they have to care for someone who is completely dependent on them, only then will they realise how physically and emotionally exhausting it can get...

I think your dad trusts you so much because he knows that he is good hands... You sound really patient and caring from your comments... (none of the anger that we see in some other posts..) He's very lucky to have someone like you... who is still persisting in caring for him, despite his occasional angry outbursts and complaints...

Your dad's apprehension abt getting more help could be because he is feeling vulnerable, being ill, and only wants to be looked after by someone whom he can trust completely... And as you said, the previous time you left him with another person, it didn't end very well...

Hope you don't mind my two cents' worth... perhaps in your situation, you have to do what's best, not just for him, but for both of you... If you feel that extra help is needed, do try your best to persuade him to allow for other health care workers to visit him... Probably he needs more reassurance from you that the people who are coming to help him are trustworthy and qualified...

You might also try to find a way to address your dad's response when he has to see a doctor... Has he always been like this?

For my parents, they associate hospitals with illness and they generally have a mistrust of doctors... My mum especially has developed a phobia of doctors and needles after her cancer diagnosis... her teeth will literally be chattering whenever she sees her surgeon, because she's so afraid that he will say something bad...

It really takes a lot of patience to convince them that going to see the doctor is necessary and in their best interests... You don't have worry so much abt your dad's guilt trips... At least from what I've learnt... they only lay the blame because they are upset abt their illness and they cannot understand why they are ill... You could let him know that you don't appreciate him laying the guilt... and that although you are sorry that he is ill, it's nobody's fault... these things just happen when you grow old.. to anyone... please don't take his words to heart... it's not your fault...  

I'm glad that you have a good doctor you are seeing for your pain... Do try to take some time off for yourself... Might it be possible for you to ask another relative to relief you of your responsibilities for a brief period?

If you feel guilty abt wanting some respite, tell yourself, you've already done so well for so many years... You deserve some rest...

[jo929]

I am sorry that you have to go through this can you get some home health it is free for some that have soc security, I care for my husband and have for 9 years he is now on oxygen and does not walk. he has to have total care, and yes it is a job, but i have to do it, i am not in very good health i have had open heart surgery, but we have no neighbors or freinds so i am it, i used to be on this column all of the time, but no one ever comes on it very much so i just have stayed away from it, as it seems no one really cares about what happens to the elderly, especially the nursing homes   luck  jo

[Tuckamore]

What wonderfully wise ppl I have found here. I am so glad that I posted. And I will not be a stranger. I have years of experience in geriatric nursing but it is so different when you are caring for your loved ones.

As I write this I am waiting for a HH Nurse's first visit.(I did that for awhile too but did not enjoy it as much as I did other aspects of nursing.) I have been able to talk him into at least an assessment to ascertain what he qualifies for and how they can make his life easier.

He has always avoided doctors and has no respect for most of them and the health care delivery system. So this is not knew but as his condition has deteriorated he has required more and more medical care.

I thank you all for you kind words. It's just great to know that I am not alone and there are others that can relate.

I have no family members that are willing to relieve me. It's a long story but mu parents were divorced when I was 12 and my brother and sister never really knew Dad as I did (do). I am the oldest by a number of years. This afternoon I will begin my "turn" caring for my elderly mother in my home also. So I will have the two of them for about 3 weeks. At least my sister (next oldest) comes home for a month to 6 weeks and helps with the care of our mother. She is also a nurse but lives 550 miles away.

I try not to take the "guilt" trips that both my parents try to lay on me. No I am not angry. I am sad for them and that their lives have come to this. I am in my fifties and God only knows what lies ahead for me. I know that someday in the not to distant future I will not have my parents. That thought is very sad one.

And Jo you are right. Out society does not treat the elderly with the respect other nations do. At least they don't wonder into the wilderness to perish when they are no longer productive.  

I will look forward to chatting with you all again soon. I appreciate your suggestions and will try to apply them.

Tuck.