JEALOUS 11 yr old lashes guilt trip to her mom over helping terminall child.
Help! 11 yr. old girl is upset her mother is traveling along w/her sister & their mother w/very sick terminal child to Disneyworld for X-Mas. This is sick child's only vacation/wish in yrs. It's all about her last "trip/wish/vacation." She does deserve it, for she has endured much pain and heartache due to her fatal disease. This sick child is living w/her Aunt and family along w/her mom. Her mom need's the help of her sister and their mother. The hotel room is going to be too small 4 all but 4 poeple. The sick child need's quiet time and can't be out very much at all due to her disease, so it limit's the fun. It would be no fun for the cousin, but she is upset, angry, sad, and jealous and making it KNOWN to her mother leaving her feeling guilty as to not taking her. The child has school, as this trip will take place in week 1 of Dec. It is obvious it is not a option to take her due to the demands needed of the sick child and her mother need's the help of her sister.
The father of the 11 yr. old is upset as well, feeling everyone should go! I've heard the story and it is BEST for the sick child & financial wise to just have the 4 people go and give this child a "dream" vacation at the very least.
How can it be resolved? THis child is upset, but more "acting" out we think just because. It is really worrying the mom and now the father.
This family need's some help with this, and I'd like to offer it to them if ANYONE out there will help answer what to do/say? If U R a medical professional/homemaker/grandmother...WHO… help me find answer's to help them "help" resolve this sad situation. It's not that they don't understand the child's upset, it's just they seem to NOT know how to handle it and being a good confidant...I don't have any answer's for them. I
IF YOU CAN OFFER ADVICE, PLEASE DO SO. I'LL PASS IT ON TO THE FAMILY AND HOPE SOMEONE CAN FIND THE RIGHT WORDS/SCENARIO TO PRESENT TO THIS CHILD FOR COMFORT, AND SHE IS I SUPPOSE TO YOUNG (MAYBE) TO UNDERSTAND THE SEVERITY OF THIS ISSUE...MUCH APPRECIATED...THANK YOU. FYI: ill child is 18 YRS./bed-ridden/O2dependant/extremely weak but this is her wish.
What a difficult time for them all. And an 11 year old child is going to be upset under any circumstances if she's missing out on a fun trip to Disneyland.
What I'm not clear about is this: the ill child (?18 years old?) is a cousin? And the 11 year old girl's mom is going on the trip? Is it really necessary for the mom to go or could they enlist the help of another close family member or friend? I think part of the jealousy is seeing her mom go on a trip with someone else.
It would also be a huge help if dear old Dad would work with mom and be in agreement about this situation. He is not helping at all and the little girl probably knows this. In some ways his behavior is no better than the child's. Surely he understands how much this trip means to the dying child.
I don't have any clear answers. I do know after raising 3 kids of my own and now dealing with 4 grandkids, there are times we have to be the adults and simply say no. We can be respectful, try to explain the reasoning behind our choices but we still get the final word and sometimes it is "no." Our kids will fuss and fume because they're not getting their way. Eventually they move on and will fuss over something else. I do hope one day this 11 year old girl will look back and understand the difference between a dying wish and a simple fun vacation.
When I was ten years old I had a cousin who was dying of leukemia. She was brought over and attention fawned on her. My irrational behavior towards her and interference with her being provided with pleasure haunts me to this day. I was a jealous monster. I recently visited her grave. Frankly I should have been ignored. The dying childs pleasures should come first and the tantrums ignored. In years to come the child who has been "hurt" will fully understand and forgive you. If you allow her to ruin this cavation you will place upon her a burden she will remember for the rest of her life.
Hello ireneo, I commend U when U stated:
I do hope one day this 11 year old girl will look back and understand the difference between a dying wish and a simple fun vacation. This is the way it is:THIS WIL NOT BE A FUN-FILLED vacation. It will be visiting the park for maybe 2-3 hrs. w/ a wheelchair/w/10 L. of O2 for the ill child, slowly making her way as far as her energy level and oxygen surfice. Most of the time will be in her room, resting, as she has not enough Energy to even "laugh" or talk for a few minutes. THIS WILL BE A Last Hoo-Rah. and I'm here, I see Disneyworld...I'm just so glad I have placed my feet here while I am alive and can see it. This will be no fun for the mom, grandmother and yes, "mother" of the jealous 11 yr. old, but the other caregiver's NEED her help. It takes them all to do this and more.
I feel as you said, the child will understand one day that this was NO fun trip, and if she went she would have NO fun. taking time to think about her going with her parent's later on by herself with her parent's is the FUN way to see it....I the devoted friend can only hope she will see this of her first cousin and be happy the child had the chance to live her dream. ty
thankyou so much for your sharing your feelings w/us. I can understand what you say. Do U remember why you were so upsetting to the child? Did U do it for attention, or just the fact she received attention more than you even though it it "different" attention in almost everyway. People, caregivers, the nurses, they are all "doing" bringin""working"to just give this child a way to just be in existance...she has a IV in her chest, she is wrapped up with a tight binder holding her food contents because her g-tube can't be placed correctly due to her body breakdown. Her body will not heal anymore from cut's, etc. Her lung/heart are scarred and not functioning but just minimal. She is in constant struggle against this horrible condition...she deserves her famililes help and love,and yet I hear she NEVER complains...she just want's to live out her dream of the "magic" of Disney. It is a sad situation. We can not help or save them all, but we can do what we can to make them comfortable while they are on this earth. why GOD chooses to uproot a child's life and from birth I might add, is something I will never understand.
Please share more of your thought's when young if you can remember. It does help the adult's that read this to understand how a child could "think" of this in their head. ty.U R blessed.
I was jealous because she was receiving very special attention, being fawned over and I was being ignored. I cannot understand to this day why I threw such tantrums and did my best to make her life miserable. Just being a kid, I guess. I didn't understand she was dying. I know this. That even though this was over a half-century ago I still regret my actions to this day and wish that someone had put me in my place.
I think I Understand you. These"special need's" children,and the same with "terminal" written before a parent on paper or just in there "head" is enough to send some parent's on a roller-coaster ride spinning out of control, and most feel (in my opinion from hearing them talk) they will do anything they can to ensure a "happy as can be" enviroment for them on eath.
I'm trying now to learn "how:" the innocent children that live with "special" chldren might feel, and as you say, feel later on in life.
I think your feeling were normal. You are just one person, you R you! Whatever you did or did not do during that time is not YOU now. U did not know how to act, how could you, you had no one to teach you, this is not something we learn from life as a child...it is not expected as a everday lfe lesson. I hope my question did not stir up much feelings that will hang around and bother you. Please don't let that happen, I understand, I might well have done the same if I where where you, or this 11 yr. old is right now...We are all a miracle in this world, U should let go ot the regret. U did not know how to react. I'm sure U weren't the only one then, and certainly not in the world today not knowing what it mean's to be "different" "special" "terminal"...hard words, but true. I'm glad U understand now, that's all "I" think that matter's....Peace to you always', & thank U for sharing w/me...U have tought me valueable information...ty
Does the mother of the 11 year old even care anything about her daughter? I'm sorry, but why is this woman completely devoted to her niece and completely neglecting her own child? That is why the 11 year old is lashing out - it's because she knows her mother loves her cousin more than she loves HER! It's clearly obvious!
It's not really about the trip, but the fact that this girl knows that she us unloved and ignored by her mother. Her mother would rather be with the family of the ill cousin than be with her daughter. And that family should be ashamed, they knowingly are taking a mom away from her own family so she can care for theirs. They know that the 11 year old is upset but they don't care about her - I bet they don't even feel guilty!
Relay THAT to them. It seems the only children that are valued and held as precious to them are sick ones.
So how did all this turn out? Personally, I think it should have been a family/extended family trip. I am the parent/caregiver to a child with significant special needs and for us, family means everyone. It is very difficult to be "the other one", the non-special needs child. The "others" need to feel cherished and significant and inclusion is a means to this. Its also important to help kids understand that "urgent" doesn't mean "favorite". We have to take care of medical needs first because they are urgent. We aren't doing so because we favor our child with special needs. Urgent means life or death sometimes. Best to this family!
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