Why do my parents get mad when I ask a question about what the Doctor Said

Okay so my Dad has an accident the other day and ends up fracturing his shoulder but also had a bump on his head that warrented a CTScan which revealed an Aneurysm.  Which has really tore me up.  So they hospital sends him home (yes, that evening) and we wait and we wait... for the doctor to call to schedule appts for Dad.  So, in the meantime, I am at their house and notice Dad's feet are swelling and said to him that he should prop them up and my mom (who has always been my best buddy) says you need to quit being so bossy, he can take care of himself.  So, I bit my tongue and then after the doctor finally calls the day after the accident at 5 P.M. to tell us that he was going to schedule an appt. with the orthopedic doctor and that he felt the fracture needed to be dealt with first because the aneurysm wasn't a big deal (this doctor is my dad's cardiologist).  So, while he is telling my brother this on the phone, I ask Mom if we are going to get a second opinion considered this was coming from a cardiologist and that we should start looking for a good neurologist... wow, you would have thought I'd given myself over to the devil.... "You need to quit telling us what to do, we are handling it, you are acting like a know it all" and on, on... so I left... and it's been like that for the past 3 days.
My brother lives 5 hours away and this weekend he and I and some friends were going to attend an event that I had been looking forward to for months.  At the hospital, my Mom says that I am really going to have to stay home and not go, which I said that was fine... I wasn't going to live either.  So, my brother had planned coming up yesterday and I thought well atleast he will come up this weekend... NOPE - He is going to the event and invited some of our family to go along. I guarantee that my family has told him that he doesn't need to come in, that they are fine... so why am I feeling so stressed out and overwhelmed with it all and he gets to live his life... I don't understand.

[vickie5989]

First, how old are your parents?  My parents are 83.  My dad is the same way.  He had a bad fall last year that resulted in head trauma, along with Vascular Dementia.   Your parents have been taking care of themselves for a long time and they just don't like it when someone tells them what to do. It's like giving up and admitting your getting old and there's something wrong.  My dad use to be a strong person and took care of mom, the house, very active.  Now he can't do that so he is very angry.  Dad's have a ego they're suppose to take care of you.  You not take care of them.  I'm my parents caregiver now - they both have Alzheimer's/Dementia and it's the hardest job out there.  I do not wish this on any one. You lose your own live because you are taking care of them.  They lose touch on how your feeling and only on their well being.  That's my dad.  Sorry, I didn't mean to rattle on.  I'd be glad to talk further if you wish.

[Tuckamore]

Hello Moodyone,

I am glad that you found the Caregivers Forum and took the time to post. I am sorry to hear that you are having some issues with your parents. I too wonder their ages?

Parents often do not like taking advice from their children. Some times  they have great difficultly taking suggestions from their children because they fear role reversal. They have always been "in charge."  They do not like relinquishing that roll, even when it is appropriate.

I assume you may be the youngest of the family which makes it even more difficult for parents to heed advice from their baby. No matter how old you are, you will always be a child in their eyes. That can be both a blessing and a curse.

Actually you should be proud that your parents have asked you to stay behind. You will be near-by if you are needed. If it were my parents I would want to be home with them rather than leaving them alone with your dad's medical issues. You may be needed.

I know that parents can be difficult but too quickly they are gone or debilitated. Please try to enjoy them while you can. And try to resolve your current dispute.

Best of Luck,
~Tuck

[Lilredsmom]

I'm not yet in the position of your parents but I do have grown children. I do however have three grown children and feel as though I am still parenting at least some of the time so when they try to tell me what to do I definately don't like it so I can understand how your parents feel. It's hard to relinquish your control especially when when you think your right and your child is wrong. I cared for both my parents when they were both very I'll and close to the end. It does help to have some one to talk to so don't be afraid to rant if you need to. Ii believe that's why we're all here to support one another.  

[VVInner]

Probably, your parents are stresses out too. What many parents don't realize is the amount of stress that they pass to their kids when they are stressed out themselves. Perhaps, you could try doing a chore around the house and help your mom on a regular basis, be it a small one. And then slowly ask your question when she is in a peaceful mood. Even when you are right, asking others when they are in a wrong mood can blow it up.

[caregiver222]

First of all I am very proud of you.

You must recognize that your actions have been in accordance with the "doctrine of the reasonable and prudent man".

You did the right things. You gave the right advice.

It is difficult to be ignored in such a situation.

As you go through life you will encounter many situations where you will have to decide whether to "throw yourself over the railroad tracks". Often, in doinhg so, you make everyone mad at you and get no thanks.

The arbiter of your actions should be:

"Is there a life-threatening situation and will my actions make a difference in preserving life"?

Your dad is very fortunate to have you as one of his children.

Everything you did meets that criterion.