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caregiver losing job to nursing home-heartbroken
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caregiver losing job to nursing home-heartbroken

Hi all. I've only just found you. Can you not advertise your forum on other forums? Many of the people who post questions are caregivers but they're just asking med, condition type stuff. Anyway, writing from UK, have been looking after mum (90) for 13 years. Heart problems, blood disease, dementia, all the usual attendant difficulties.
She never complains and is always thanking me. It makes me feel so bad because sometimes I'm thinking that did i really go to uni and go into a profession just to clean up wee and poo? Garden , ciggie, beat myself wth proverbial sticks and it doesn't feel so bad when i come in.
i am so angry, so fuming, so frustrated and so helpless you cannot imagine. I feel like my head's about to blow apart.
Firstly, we are ordinary people and have to rely on the authorities to give us help. I have carers to help me for a total of 3 hours a day and do the rest of the 21/7 on my own.
Last week mum was rushed to emergency >resussitation. I had been up for  weeks, snatching sleep when i could. In the middle of this life and death activity, I was watching the stainless steel moving and the floor started rising towards me. I alerted a nurse before I collapsed.
Mum now in hosp and I have been told it's enough now, I can't do it any more, it's too much for me. OK. I see that. I am mentally and physically exhausted. So i  asked the Community for more help. They were wonderful -  not.! more hour day and no night care atall! I'm devastated! I don't want my little mum to go into a nursing home, I can't bear the thought of it, but what can I do?  I haven't stopped crying for a week- I'm in bed re conking out - and haven't seen my mum. Plus, my sister's been to the hospital and they've mixes up all her meds. Can you imagine how I feel? I was on here for 3 hours last night writing to the hospital. I told them my mum does not need any help up the Stairway to Heaven thank you, she's in there so we'll have her a bit longer. They've given her aspirin even though i gave them a list in big red writing of all her allergies, Stopped her heart meds which keep her going, refuse to put sides on the bed and I nearly burst a blood vessel when I heard she'd fallen out of bed.
So, anyone out there who can tell me how to cope with placing my little mum in care? also, anyone know any UK laws re. this joke of a *** hospital?
And, whoever believes, please send me peaceful thoughts cos I am exhausted but the adrenalins going re. all the hosp stuff and i am so so agitated. Thanks in advance
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547368_tn?1332173665
Hello Sweetie,

My heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry you have so much on your plate. Bless you for giving so much of yourself to your Mum.

I can imagine how you feel. I dreaded the possibility that my dearest father would become more care than I could handle. I was blessed to be able to care for him until the Lord called him Home four months ago.

I am sorry that I do not know the laws in your country. I'm sure ours in the USA are a bit different. We cannot put up side-rails on both sides of a bed because it is considered restraints by law...... That is unless the patient would request those side-rails up. Crazy huh? We have soft mats that are placed by the bed in case someone fall out of it. We also have bed alarms that alert staff when a patient is attempting to get out of bed.

I so wish there were alternatives for caregiving in your home. Have you spoke with the hospital social worker? Is he/she able to offer suggestions other than an extended care facility?  

If you have no alternatives but to agree to extended care please know that you have done your best. Many daughters or sons would not have cared for their mum as long as you have. You've done your best and I am sure you have done a good job.

Certainly if your mum had a voice in this she would not want you to risk your health and sanity to continue to care for her. Sometimes love just isn't enough and we have to allow others to provide the care. Please don't think that you have failed. You have not!!

You can visit her often and monitor her care. If the facility does not meet your standards insist that she be moved to another. If they know the family is interested and watching the care of often better. I do know that in our country there are some wonderful long term care facilities. Unfortunately a few give them all a bad name.

I do believe and I am sending you peaceful thoughts. I'll also keep you and your mum in my prayers. Please stop by again and let us know how you are doing. You are a sweetheart and I am sure your mum is very proud of you and all you have done for her.

Blessings,
~Tuck
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Thank you so much for your kind and loving response.  I am so sorry about your dad and you're very brave to carry on with this project when you probably feel so sad and vulnerable.
Time doesn't heal but it helps you to get used to the difference.
I know what you're saying is right and I've been down every social work avenue to get more help here. The answer is always no. It would be good to have some cash so we don't have to rely on these people  but that's life.
The whole reason I want to look after my mum is that I know she would never let me down and I want to do the same for her. But you're right in that she wouldn't want me to hurt or suffer. So, I'll probably have to go along with the Nursing home.
I'll keep in touch and let you know what's going on. Thank you for being there and for being so wonderful.xxx
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547368_tn?1332173665
Just wondering how you are doing. I hope you are checking this site from time to time.

How's your mum? You've both been in my thoughts and prayers.

You're right, losing my father was and continues to be extremely difficult. I have been a caregiver my entire life. I never thought I would also be caring for my parents. We never think that time will come.

I tried to impress upon a young friend never to take her parents for granted. I explained that because our parents have always been with us on our journey through life, it is very difficult to think of them as no longer being here. But that time does come. We lose the only unconditional love that we'll ever have on this earth. We lose our best friends.

I hope you have found some resolution for your mum's care.

Blessings,
~Tuck
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Avatar_f_tn
hi! haven't been able to concentrate on anything including pc. thank you for caring. I am still so stressed, even more so now. Went to see mum in hosp on Saturday, she was sitting there soaking wet with her feet ina puddle of wee on the floor. I nearly got thrown out because when i complained the nuirse in charge said they were serving supper and she'd do it later! I insisted that they do it that minute-after which my daughter took me outside to calm down.
I haven't been able to eat or sleep all weekend. If that's hospital what on earth will happen in a nursing home?
Anyway, sent a very strong complaint to the ward manager who called me today. She was even more fuming than I was! (not there on the weekend). She promised that all staff will be reminded most strongly that all patients must be toileted every 2 hours. Also, to remember that one day their own mothers may be in the same position as the patients.
I asked her what she thought about nursing home. (We've known her for some months now with mum in and out of hospital). She said since she first met me, there has been a marked change. I have large bags under my eyes, no colour in my face and look like I've never been to bed! Said I have done my absolute best but any more and I'll end up in the bed next to Mum - and even skinnier!  (Mum is a whole 84lbs)..
It's time to admit that mum is too ill and I'm not strong enough - the spirit's so wiling but the body's weak.
She made me feel better about everything but it's still such a wrench.
And do you know what? My sister told me to throw all Mum's old clothes away. When i told her I couldn't and could she come and help she said sorry, no time. She just doesn't understand, it's like throwing mum away. Apparantly mum has to have all new stuff to go into this nuring home!
Do you wonder that I'm stressed?
Seeing the social worker on wednesday -minus sister - to see what's happening next and if the NHS will fund the nursing home.
Will let you know what happens. Thanks for caring, Tuck. do you know, I've been grieving for about two years now as my mum deteriorates and loses another piece of herself. That's why moving her stuff out and trying to come to terms with her not being here and never returning to sleep in her room is one more loss on the way to the inevitable. It hurts, Tuck, oh, now i'm crying again. It really does feel like grief. I've got to stop this but I just feel so emotional and so sad.  My husband can't bear it either! i thought he'd be a bit relieved but he so wanted her to be with us to the end. Also, being a man, it's something he can't fix or be in charge of. It does make you feel so helpless.
Right, this time I'm going to bed, 11.00p.m. in UK. Love and blessings to youx
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